When you find it hard to love yourself.
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Originally Posted by Clover71 
Have you discussed what each of you are looking for? A relationship or a casual dating thing? You might be looking for something different and have differing expectations. maybe he isn't the type of guy that stays in touch every day, etc. I've had a lot of friends go through this. Some were simply with chicken guys (that wonderful story in that stickie), and some were with guys that simply don't communicate every day with someone or didn't have the same expectations
I suppose I'm trying to figure out how to be vulnerable, show my true insecurities without scaring someone off. Maybe if it's the right person theres no scaring them off.
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13 days ago you said:
Been dating a new guy the last couple of weeks, dinners out etc, he's nice, normal likes conversation etc. He doesn't text a lot between meet ups which makes me wonder if he's interested. My ex would text constantly, was addicted to his phone.
if new guy did start texting you, it wouldn't be enough.
you were unsure is he "liked" you because he didn't behave as your very recent ex did. you have been on 9 get-togethers in the month of january, but you are still unsure, because he isn't behaving the same way the ex did.
new guy already stated that texting is not his thing. but you want to CHANGE THAT so you feel more reassured, and it feels more like it did with the ex.
you do see what you are trying to recreate here, right?
Been dating a new guy the last couple of weeks, dinners out etc, he's nice, normal likes conversation etc. He doesn't text a lot between meet ups which makes me wonder if he's interested. My ex would text constantly, was addicted to his phone.
if new guy did start texting you, it wouldn't be enough.
you were unsure is he "liked" you because he didn't behave as your very recent ex did. you have been on 9 get-togethers in the month of january, but you are still unsure, because he isn't behaving the same way the ex did.
new guy already stated that texting is not his thing. but you want to CHANGE THAT so you feel more reassured, and it feels more like it did with the ex.
you do see what you are trying to recreate here, right?
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
13 days ago you said:
Been dating a new guy the last couple of weeks, dinners out etc, he's nice, normal likes conversation etc. He doesn't text a lot between meet ups which makes me wonder if he's interested. My ex would text constantly, was addicted to his phone.
if new guy did start texting you, it wouldn't be enough.
you were unsure is he "liked" you because he didn't behave as your very recent ex did. you have been on 9 get-togethers in the month of january, but you are still unsure, because he isn't behaving the same way the ex did.
new guy already stated that texting is not his thing. but you want to CHANGE THAT so you feel more reassured, and it feels more like it did with the ex.
you do see what you are trying to recreate here, right?
Been dating a new guy the last couple of weeks, dinners out etc, he's nice, normal likes conversation etc. He doesn't text a lot between meet ups which makes me wonder if he's interested. My ex would text constantly, was addicted to his phone.
if new guy did start texting you, it wouldn't be enough.
you were unsure is he "liked" you because he didn't behave as your very recent ex did. you have been on 9 get-togethers in the month of january, but you are still unsure, because he isn't behaving the same way the ex did.
new guy already stated that texting is not his thing. but you want to CHANGE THAT so you feel more reassured, and it feels more like it did with the ex.
you do see what you are trying to recreate here, right?
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Originally Posted by FireSprite
Why is your anxiety so high this week Glen? What is the source of that?
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I think you'd be far better served spending this time figuring out what started this self-hating spiral & what set off your anxiety than anything else you could spend time on right now.
If you can figure out where you started to feel the loss of self-control & trace back to what triggered it, you have a chance to CHANGE it. No amount of examination about this relationship is going to fix this part of you or keep this from happening again in the future. This is the part that is fully within your control.
Think back.... when did you notice the anxiety rising? What happened (or DIDN'T happen) around that time?
Here's an example - I triggered over the weekend & it spiraled quickly into an argument with my husband but when I stopped & made myself saturate in the Right Now, I realized it was completely unrelated events with a friend that tripped me up to begin with. It was ME that transferred/projected all that rising insecurity onto him & our relationship & suddenly made him responsible for me feeling better the second I felt the discomfort & insecurity taking over.
I lashed out looking for something to latch ONTO to make myself feel grounded again.
If you can figure out where you started to feel the loss of self-control & trace back to what triggered it, you have a chance to CHANGE it. No amount of examination about this relationship is going to fix this part of you or keep this from happening again in the future. This is the part that is fully within your control.
Think back.... when did you notice the anxiety rising? What happened (or DIDN'T happen) around that time?
Here's an example - I triggered over the weekend & it spiraled quickly into an argument with my husband but when I stopped & made myself saturate in the Right Now, I realized it was completely unrelated events with a friend that tripped me up to begin with. It was ME that transferred/projected all that rising insecurity onto him & our relationship & suddenly made him responsible for me feeling better the second I felt the discomfort & insecurity taking over.
I lashed out looking for something to latch ONTO to make myself feel grounded again.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
Also my anxiety is sky high this week, feeding into this.
or is it the other way around?
or is it the other way around?
Only thing I can think of is this started last Saturday night. We were meant to meet up but he cancelled to help his mum out with a plumbing issue. I straight away remembered how I could never ever get to meet with my ex on a Saturday night. Sounds stupid but he never would and I never found out why. So perhaps this brought that up for me. Why am I never good enough to spend a saturday night with! He rearranged and we had lunch the next day but I could already feel the anxiety upon me so I think it started then. The whole thing comes down to self esteem and not feeling good enough, and fear as Trailmix said. Before last sat I was feeling great.
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In fairness, sometimes it's difficult to know how to be with someone new, and especially with technology. His actions seem consistent, right? Are you longing for some constant feedback from him? I think maybe you were so used to answering that ding of a text, and even though you say you don't want that, that it became a part of your routine whether positive or negative.
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
I hear what your saying about being triggered.
Only thing I can think of is this started last Saturday night. We were meant to meet up but he cancelled to help his mum out with a plumbing issue. I straight away remembered how I could never ever get to meet with my ex on a Saturday night. Sounds stupid but he never would and I never found out why. So perhaps this brought that up for me. Why am I never good enough to spend a saturday night with! He rearranged and we had lunch the next day but I could already feel the anxiety upon me so I think it started then. The whole thing comes down to self esteem and not feeling good enough, and fear as Trailmix said. Before last sat I was feeling great.
Only thing I can think of is this started last Saturday night. We were meant to meet up but he cancelled to help his mum out with a plumbing issue. I straight away remembered how I could never ever get to meet with my ex on a Saturday night. Sounds stupid but he never would and I never found out why. So perhaps this brought that up for me. Why am I never good enough to spend a saturday night with! He rearranged and we had lunch the next day but I could already feel the anxiety upon me so I think it started then. The whole thing comes down to self esteem and not feeling good enough, and fear as Trailmix said. Before last sat I was feeling great.
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
I straight away remembered how I could never ever get to meet with my ex on a Saturday night. Sounds stupid but he never would and I never found out why. So perhaps this brought that up for me. Why am I never good enough to spend a saturday night with!
See this is the crux of that situation, I think it's really important to break it down.
- Having a date Saturday night woo! All good
- Plumbing problem - he needs to cancel
Now what goes through your head?
-
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Notice how you went from him having to help his Mom with some plumbing to never being good enough to spent a Saturday night with - that's quite a leap!
See this is the crux of that situation, I think it's really important to break it down.
- Having a date Saturday night woo! All good
- Plumbing problem - he needs to cancel
Now what goes through your head?
-
See this is the crux of that situation, I think it's really important to break it down.
- Having a date Saturday night woo! All good
- Plumbing problem - he needs to cancel
Now what goes through your head?
-
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
What goes through my head.........he's not that into me.
I don't know if it's normal for someone to go there in their head or not, some people do, some don't I would imagine, for whatever reason.
The key is, what do you do with that thought. Do you coddle it and flip it over and over in your mind. He's not that in to you so therefore he's probably taking 10 minutes to fix the plumbing then sitting at home watching Netflix.
Why doesn't he want to watch Netflix with me, am I not Netflix worthy! In fact am I not Saturday night worthy! Maybe not, maybe I'm just annoying.
Blah blah blah.
Oh so negative!
Now that, comes from somewhere of course - and eventually through self analysis you will work that out. In the meantime, you need to use tools to stop that kind of (incorrect) negative thinking (this applies to family, friends, romantic interests or the person you are talking to on the phone from the bank).
Which goes back to the - it's not you.
Whether he is at his Mom's for 10 minutes and then goes home and watches Netflix probably has absolutely zero to do with you - nothing. He might just be having a bad day, has a headache, wants to be alone - again, nothing to do with you.
In the case of your ex - whatever he got up to on Saturday nights, whether that was cocaine or wandering the streets, nothing to do with you.
You are not "less" than you aren't boring or needy or annoying or any of those things you probably call yourself. You are just you. Even the most together person is not perfect for everyone, but you are perfect just as you are (yes even if you are co-dependant!). Again, we all have things we work on, co-dependant or not.
So of instead of listing the 10 reasons why someone isn't with you this evening, you need to believe it's not about you.
Now, let's take the other road. What if he really isn't in to you (he rescheduled, doesn't seem to be the case here, but let's go there). Again, that's not you, that's him. Let's say he doesn't like your eyebrows or the way you talk or the fact that model cars are your biggest hobby. Nothing to do with you, that's him, he is the way he is.
How someone is or isn't is not a reflection on you.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
So, I totally understand this.
I don't know if it's normal for someone to go there in their head or not, some people do, some don't I would imagine, for whatever reason.
The key is, what do you do with that thought. Do you coddle it and flip it over and over in your mind. He's not that in to you so therefore he's probably taking 10 minutes to fix the plumbing then sitting at home watching Netflix.
Why doesn't he want to watch Netflix with me, am I not Netflix worthy! In fact am I not Saturday night worthy! Maybe not, maybe I'm just annoying.
Blah blah blah.
Oh so negative!
Now that, comes from somewhere of course - and eventually through self analysis you will work that out. In the meantime, you need to use tools to stop that kind of (incorrect) negative thinking (this applies to family, friends, romantic interests or the person you are talking to on the phone from the bank).
Which goes back to the - it's not you.
Whether he is at his Mom's for 10 minutes and then goes home and watches Netflix probably has absolutely zero to do with you - nothing. He might just be having a bad day, has a headache, wants to be alone - again, nothing to do with you.
In the case of your ex - whatever he got up to on Saturday nights, whether that was cocaine or wandering the streets, nothing to do with you.
You are not "less" than you aren't boring or needy or annoying or any of those things you probably call yourself. You are just you. Even the most together person is not perfect for everyone, but you are perfect just as you are (yes even if you are co-dependant!). Again, we all have things we work on, co-dependant or not.
So of instead of listing the 10 reasons why someone isn't with you this evening, you need to believe it's not about you.
Now, let's take the other road. What if he really isn't in to you (he rescheduled, doesn't seem to be the case here, but let's go there). Again, that's not you, that's him. Let's say he doesn't like your eyebrows or the way you talk or the fact that model cars are your biggest hobby. Nothing to do with you, that's him, he is the way he is.
How someone is or isn't is not a reflection on you.
I don't know if it's normal for someone to go there in their head or not, some people do, some don't I would imagine, for whatever reason.
The key is, what do you do with that thought. Do you coddle it and flip it over and over in your mind. He's not that in to you so therefore he's probably taking 10 minutes to fix the plumbing then sitting at home watching Netflix.
Why doesn't he want to watch Netflix with me, am I not Netflix worthy! In fact am I not Saturday night worthy! Maybe not, maybe I'm just annoying.
Blah blah blah.
Oh so negative!
Now that, comes from somewhere of course - and eventually through self analysis you will work that out. In the meantime, you need to use tools to stop that kind of (incorrect) negative thinking (this applies to family, friends, romantic interests or the person you are talking to on the phone from the bank).
Which goes back to the - it's not you.
Whether he is at his Mom's for 10 minutes and then goes home and watches Netflix probably has absolutely zero to do with you - nothing. He might just be having a bad day, has a headache, wants to be alone - again, nothing to do with you.
In the case of your ex - whatever he got up to on Saturday nights, whether that was cocaine or wandering the streets, nothing to do with you.
You are not "less" than you aren't boring or needy or annoying or any of those things you probably call yourself. You are just you. Even the most together person is not perfect for everyone, but you are perfect just as you are (yes even if you are co-dependant!). Again, we all have things we work on, co-dependant or not.
So of instead of listing the 10 reasons why someone isn't with you this evening, you need to believe it's not about you.
Now, let's take the other road. What if he really isn't in to you (he rescheduled, doesn't seem to be the case here, but let's go there). Again, that's not you, that's him. Let's say he doesn't like your eyebrows or the way you talk or the fact that model cars are your biggest hobby. Nothing to do with you, that's him, he is the way he is.
How someone is or isn't is not a reflection on you.
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How about a long drive, music, meeting? lol, oh yeah, that is exactly where I am heading!
12 step thing. We take the actions first. Feelings follow. Tonight's meeting comes with 3+ hours in driving. It's worked for me many times.
12 step thing. We take the actions first. Feelings follow. Tonight's meeting comes with 3+ hours in driving. It's worked for me many times.
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Are you familiar with the terms transference/ countertransference? They are Freudian concepts that were originally used in therapeutic relationships. Like maybe your therapist subconsciously reminds you of your mother/ father, so you transfer those feelings (positive or negative) onto her/ him. The therapist is then picking up your feelings, and in response, has counterteansference feelings towards you.
I think this kind of thing happens in other relationships too. Like when you see a teenager reacting negatively towards what he perceives to be an authoritarian coach or teacher or cop, and that person in turn reacts negatively toward the teenager, and it ends up being a big mess.
Anyways, I’m wondering if maybe the situation and what you experienced with the ex was so upsetting for you, that a similar event (plans canceled on Saturday) ends up triggering all of this stuff about the ex, and your feelings around that, and about yourself? So maybe it’s not really this new guy at all, but some old stuff that’s being transferred onto him (either about your ex, or maybe traced back to childhood, IDK how deep you want to go)?
Also maybe a trust thing? I can tell you in my own life, I have this one friend who does that intermittent chicken thing with me, and I don’t really trust him, because I never really know when something is going to click in his head and change. Like everything will be fine, and then all of a sudden he doesn’t respond to a text / I don’t hear back, and I don’t know wtf is going on. Yet I have a few other friends who I trust, and don’t really give it much thought if I don’t hear back right away, because I have trust in the relationship and in them, and I have object constancy with them (they will come back), so my interpretation of what the not hearing back, or a canceled plan, means?
I think this kind of thing happens in other relationships too. Like when you see a teenager reacting negatively towards what he perceives to be an authoritarian coach or teacher or cop, and that person in turn reacts negatively toward the teenager, and it ends up being a big mess.
Anyways, I’m wondering if maybe the situation and what you experienced with the ex was so upsetting for you, that a similar event (plans canceled on Saturday) ends up triggering all of this stuff about the ex, and your feelings around that, and about yourself? So maybe it’s not really this new guy at all, but some old stuff that’s being transferred onto him (either about your ex, or maybe traced back to childhood, IDK how deep you want to go)?
Also maybe a trust thing? I can tell you in my own life, I have this one friend who does that intermittent chicken thing with me, and I don’t really trust him, because I never really know when something is going to click in his head and change. Like everything will be fine, and then all of a sudden he doesn’t respond to a text / I don’t hear back, and I don’t know wtf is going on. Yet I have a few other friends who I trust, and don’t really give it much thought if I don’t hear back right away, because I have trust in the relationship and in them, and I have object constancy with them (they will come back), so my interpretation of what the not hearing back, or a canceled plan, means?
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Try to stop beating yourself up. Be gentle with yourself. Allow time to pass...treat yourself to something nice, pamper yourself. You are worth as much as anyone else on this planet, bad experiences have made you forget that.
Allow the feelings to come and go (and they willgo eventually). You are going to be ok, let time do its thing xx
Allow the feelings to come and go (and they willgo eventually). You are going to be ok, let time do its thing xx
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Originally Posted by Awal
Try to stop beating yourself up. Be gentle with yourself. Allow time to pass...treat yourself to something nice, pamper yourself. You are worth as much as anyone else on this planet, bad experiences have made you forget that.
Allow the feelings to come and go (and they willgo eventually). You are going to be ok, let time do its thing xx
Allow the feelings to come and go (and they willgo eventually). You are going to be ok, let time do its thing xx
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Originally Posted by pdm22
Are you familiar with the terms transference/ countertransference? They are Freudian concepts that were originally used in therapeutic relationships. Like maybe your therapist subconsciously reminds you of your mother/ father, so you transfer those feelings (positive or negative) onto her/ him. The therapist is then picking up your feelings, and in response, has counterteansference feelings towards you.
I think this kind of thing happens in other relationships too. Like when you see a teenager reacting negatively towards what he perceives to be an authoritarian coach or teacher or cop, and that person in turn reacts negatively toward the teenager, and it ends up being a big mess.
Anyways, I’m wondering if maybe the situation and what you experienced with the ex was so upsetting for you, that a similar event (plans canceled on Saturday) ends up triggering all of this stuff about the ex, and your feelings around that, and about yourself? So maybe it’s not really this new guy at all, but some old stuff that’s being transferred onto him (either about your ex, or maybe traced back to childhood, IDK how deep you want to go)?
Also maybe a trust thing? I can tell you in my own life, I have this one friend who does that intermittent chicken thing with me, and I don’t really trust him, because I never really know when something is going to click in his head and change. Like everything will be fine, and then all of a sudden he doesn’t respond to a text / I don’t hear back, and I don’t know wtf is going on. Yet I have a few other friends who I trust, and don’t really give it much thought if I don’t hear back right away, because I have trust in the relationship and in them, and I have object constancy with them (they will come back), so my interpretation of what the not hearing back, or a canceled plan, means?
I think this kind of thing happens in other relationships too. Like when you see a teenager reacting negatively towards what he perceives to be an authoritarian coach or teacher or cop, and that person in turn reacts negatively toward the teenager, and it ends up being a big mess.
Anyways, I’m wondering if maybe the situation and what you experienced with the ex was so upsetting for you, that a similar event (plans canceled on Saturday) ends up triggering all of this stuff about the ex, and your feelings around that, and about yourself? So maybe it’s not really this new guy at all, but some old stuff that’s being transferred onto him (either about your ex, or maybe traced back to childhood, IDK how deep you want to go)?
Also maybe a trust thing? I can tell you in my own life, I have this one friend who does that intermittent chicken thing with me, and I don’t really trust him, because I never really know when something is going to click in his head and change. Like everything will be fine, and then all of a sudden he doesn’t respond to a text / I don’t hear back, and I don’t know wtf is going on. Yet I have a few other friends who I trust, and don’t really give it much thought if I don’t hear back right away, because I have trust in the relationship and in them, and I have object constancy with them (they will come back), so my interpretation of what the not hearing back, or a canceled plan, means?
As for trust you know it was something I really liked from talking to him. I felt I could trust him, says he didn't drink much or go partying etc, runs his own business and seemed genuine. However, since around Saturday night I did start to question the trust so perhaps this triggered mistrust too. I was thinking, how well could I know him after 9 meets, what if he's actually on a date with someone else etc etc. When we met the next day he explained what happened the night before yet I was sceptical which was probably my stuff then. I really dislike that feeling of not trusting. So now haven't heard from him since Sunday and my feeling is that I won't! So to relate to what you said, very probably cancelled plans means to me, rejection, not good enough, I won't hear from them again. I take everything so personally 😂.
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