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Originally Posted by Wamama48 
My husband is 1 year into recovery but he's had several of those episodes. Some lasting days, some a month or two. The alcolic brain just can't seem to process feelings I guess, and it seems to overwhelm them.
When my husband gets like that I just leave him alone as much as possible. Mainly because he has a total personality change and he's irritable, unmotivated, and just mean. Does you husband have that angry look to him? Like he seems to be really depressed but also seems to angry and barely able to contain it?
If he won't, or can't tell you what's wrong, there's nothing you can do for him. As much as that hurts, like we can't make them stop drinking, we can't snap them out of their mood. I've learned to just go on with our lives, and mainly leave my husband to himself. I do keep an eye out for suicidal behaviour, and in that case I'd defiantly not ignore it, and try to get him help,
When my husband gets like that I just leave him alone as much as possible. Mainly because he has a total personality change and he's irritable, unmotivated, and just mean. Does you husband have that angry look to him? Like he seems to be really depressed but also seems to angry and barely able to contain it?
If he won't, or can't tell you what's wrong, there's nothing you can do for him. As much as that hurts, like we can't make them stop drinking, we can't snap them out of their mood. I've learned to just go on with our lives, and mainly leave my husband to himself. I do keep an eye out for suicidal behaviour, and in that case I'd defiantly not ignore it, and try to get him help,
mine is still drinking and gets the angry look. I even see him giving me nasty looks out of the corner of my eye
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Originally Posted by Awal
l just thought someone else on here may have encountered this type of behaviour.
Recognizing a change is good IMO. Wondering about it is also IMO about knowledge. As long as you arent obsessed about it .... That's my feeling anyway
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I'm just throwing this out there because I have read some on the A side discuss this and have witnessed it in my stepson. I think when not really accepting total abstinence or embracing recovery, an alcoholic starts to get mad...
Mad that they can't drink normally.
Mad that they aren't like "everyone" else.
Mad at where they are in life (not thriving, behind their old friends financially, etc.)
My stepson's immaturity and 'woe is me' attitude caused him to blame everyone and everything else for his problems. He would get mad and rant and rave about how "unfair" it all was. Typical active alcoholic thinking even during periods when he was not drinking. Just mad at not being able to drink.
Needless to say, he's still drinking.
Mad that they can't drink normally.
Mad that they aren't like "everyone" else.
Mad at where they are in life (not thriving, behind their old friends financially, etc.)
My stepson's immaturity and 'woe is me' attitude caused him to blame everyone and everything else for his problems. He would get mad and rant and rave about how "unfair" it all was. Typical active alcoholic thinking even during periods when he was not drinking. Just mad at not being able to drink.
Needless to say, he's still drinking.
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Originally Posted by Clover71
Recognizing a change is good IMO. Wondering about it is also IMO about knowledge. As long as you arent obsessed about it .... That's my feeling anyway
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
Or it could simply be the next stage of progression of the disease and that is not in your control--
So sorry AWAL--have you thought about seeing a therapist who specializes in alcohol addiction for a few sessions for extra support and to learn more?
So sorry AWAL--have you thought about seeing a therapist who specializes in alcohol addiction for a few sessions for extra support and to learn more?
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Alcoholics don't make the best parents.
Sounds like this relationship with the Daughter has been dysfunctional for some time. Why would anyone want to pursue that relationship, why would the Daughter contact him?
I know you have had your own falling out with her but keep in mind that he has helped in burning this particular bridge. Most adult children are not going to jump in to the pity party with an alcoholic parent, no child wants to parent their alcoholic parent. So she has detached, just like you have, seems inevitable in some ways.
He is going to have to deal with that just as he deals with the current situation I suppose.
Sounds like this relationship with the Daughter has been dysfunctional for some time. Why would anyone want to pursue that relationship, why would the Daughter contact him?
I know you have had your own falling out with her but keep in mind that he has helped in burning this particular bridge. Most adult children are not going to jump in to the pity party with an alcoholic parent, no child wants to parent their alcoholic parent. So she has detached, just like you have, seems inevitable in some ways.
He is going to have to deal with that just as he deals with the current situation I suppose.
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Originally Posted by FireSprite
I think it's a lot of time wasted on the wrong side of the street.
Who KNOWS what could be the driver - never mind that it might just be a bad day/moment for him that has nothing to do with alcohol even if it's compounded by it- we all have those days. I've had a couple this month. It may or may not have anything to do with a "next phase" in his addiction but either way, there's no way to know for sure no matter what. It's a time & energy-waster of a question - a riddle with no answer.
Who KNOWS what could be the driver - never mind that it might just be a bad day/moment for him that has nothing to do with alcohol even if it's compounded by it- we all have those days. I've had a couple this month. It may or may not have anything to do with a "next phase" in his addiction but either way, there's no way to know for sure no matter what. It's a time & energy-waster of a question - a riddle with no answer.
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Originally Posted by Wamama48
You caught on way faster than I did. It wasnt until recently that I figured out when my husband was arguing with me over every little thing, he was doing what he did when he was drinking. And I'd take the bait, trying to reason with the unreasonable. We are on the right track because we're awesome like that!
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Originally Posted by Awal
Well now the bank of dad has closed down she has no reason to contact him. It can't be easy knowing the daughter you devoted your life too doesn't love you enough to want to contact you unless the dosh is being dished out. Im not sure she is even aware hes an alcoholic.
I think it is hard to understand how damaging such a childhood can be.
She may be a selfish and greedy piece of work, I don't doubt that, but you've only heard his version of things and there may be quite a bit more to the story he hasn't shared with you--
I'm not trying to defend her, just to suggest we can't know another's pain or anger unless we've really been a part of their story.
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Originally Posted by Awal
No lm not obsessed about it. Ive got the answers l was looking for, the way he is, is just par for the course. I also suspect though that not having any fun in his life could be a factor...but if he doesn't want to join in there is nothing l can do about that. No friends no family no fun and none of the other 'f' word lol makes Jack a dull boy.
I didn't think you were obsessed over it at all
. I was just pointing out that I think it's natural to wonder about it and I think that's ok as long as it doesn't get to a certain point. Its t's too bad he doesn't work or something. At least mine has work, and he excels at it
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Originally Posted by Awal
Why waste your time answering then? Lol
Like Clover said - it's easy to crossover into obsession or just a simple need to be ABLE to chalk every crazy thing up to the addiction & it's progression so that we have a place to put the "blame". In reality we never know anything unless the other person is open about sharing their process. And wondering keeps us attached, even loosely; that's all.
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
If he was drinking alcoholically while she was growing up, she knew.
I think it is hard to understand how damaging such a childhood can be.
She may be a selfish and greedy piece of work, I don't doubt that, but you've only heard his version of things and there may be quite a bit more to the story he hasn't shared with you--
I'm not trying to defend her, just to suggest we can't know another's pain or anger unless we've really been a part of their story.
I think it is hard to understand how damaging such a childhood can be.
She may be a selfish and greedy piece of work, I don't doubt that, but you've only heard his version of things and there may be quite a bit more to the story he hasn't shared with you--
I'm not trying to defend her, just to suggest we can't know another's pain or anger unless we've really been a part of their story.
Anyway, I'm not a spoiled brat to anyone else. It's just how my anger comes out with her.
Obviously not saying his daughter is in that situation, but it might be something to keep in mind as a possibility.
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Originally Posted by FireSprite
My point is that it can be very easy to label everything as part of the progression but honestly, some of it is just plain old people being people, in various states of brokenness & their inability to process it all. I myself can be accused of these changes of moods/behaviors over the last few weeks because I don't share 100% of everything I'm processing - it doesn't need any explanation, it just IS & it's my garbage pile to work through. (now, let me be clear - some things ARE easy to call out, like peeing the bed, blackouts, escalating violence, etc.)
Like Clover said - it's easy to crossover into obsession or just a simple need to be ABLE to chalk every crazy thing up to the addiction & it's progression so that we have a place to put the "blame". In reality we never know anything unless the other person is open about sharing their process. And wondering keeps us attached, even loosely; that's all.
Like Clover said - it's easy to crossover into obsession or just a simple need to be ABLE to chalk every crazy thing up to the addiction & it's progression so that we have a place to put the "blame". In reality we never know anything unless the other person is open about sharing their process. And wondering keeps us attached, even loosely; that's all.
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Originally Posted by Awal
l get what you mean, its just when a new behaviour happens l still question it. I am emotionally detaching gradually though.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
There is no such thing as a happy alcoholic that I've ever encountered.
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Originally Posted by FallenAngelina
Assuming that you mean active alcoholic, but all the same - wow. So helpful to know. Really, so very helpful. Thank you.
Yes, I mean active alcoholic, being in recovery is a different kettle of fish.
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