Another day
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 43
Another day
Well, I signed on a week ago and have gotten such great advice. Haven't posted in a few days, as I was doing my best to absorb what I have read and learned. Honestly, I am in a pretty good place but have decided that I don't want to turn into a crabby person because of all of this. I have done a lot of work to change myself into a better person and dobt want to go back to the person I was years ago. Anyhow, i know my ex is hurting....i think anyways. I know the best way to completely heal is to cut off ALL communication so, i made the decision to not reach out to him...any and all communication is initiated by him. I believe he is still actively drinking. Well, something clicked Wednesday and I hit the irritated/angry stage of loss and my feelings changed...i hope for the better. I was sitting on the couch last night playing on my phone and was interrupted by a text from him. "Where are you?". My first reaction was, why the hell do you care (I did not say that). He knows I'm flying across country and didnt remember when I was leaving.... He was invited prior to our split. Anyhow, he texted saying "we need to talk while your there so you can tell me what it is like." I'm moving past this...probably more slower than I could because I respond when he texts, which has turned into every Wednesday and Saturday ( not sure why he has picked these token days to reach out but, whatever). Never have I dealt with this type of a breakup... And I guess I'm kind of chalking it up to the alcohol he ingesting...or maybe he's just different. Either way, just needed to put this out there. I realize I don't want or need his type of lifestyle in my world...and thanks to this site, i realize it would always be like that if we did get back together.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 43
He is sick....for me, not responding when hes not being mean is rude. (Im not saying that people who ignore their others are rude). He was never mean to me, or abusive per say. He did the typical alcoholic vanishing, ignoring, etc., but was never mean so, i am not going to reflect onto him what he was done to me. My choice, i know. I will continue to not reach out, only respond to "token" texts...i am not going to let this situation and my ex turn me into someone im not or change who i am with regards to that. Do i want him back? Not in the capacity that it once was, and i know that is all that it will be soon? I fell in love with the alcoholic, i never knew the sober man he once was...
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Kna, breaking contact is not done for the sake of revenge or "being mean." No one is saying you should "reflect onto him what he has done to you." I think you may have missed the point entirely. "No contact" is done in the interest of protecting your own sanity and newly-begun recovery; it is done to protect YOU, not to hurt HIM.
Do you know about "putting on your own oxygen mask first"? If not, here's a short and sweet explanation: https://theartofsimple.net/put-on-yo...en-mask-first/
Do you know about "putting on your own oxygen mask first"? If not, here's a short and sweet explanation: https://theartofsimple.net/put-on-yo...en-mask-first/
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
Every time he texts, the fresh scab is ripped off your healing--it isn't unkind to step away and make space for both of you to live the life you want.
In fact, if you are ready to move on, keeping him "on the line" could also be viewed as not helpful. He is most likely hoping you will relent and take him back. If that isn't your intention, let him go with love.
In fact, if you are ready to move on, keeping him "on the line" could also be viewed as not helpful. He is most likely hoping you will relent and take him back. If that isn't your intention, let him go with love.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 43
I hope i didnt offend wnyone by that statement. That was definitely not my intent. When he texted this past Wednesday, i felt I was cold with my response, which in turn caused me more stress. I felt mean, he was so excited telling me about the snow. I want to heal, and feel I am. When I got the text last night, i was instantly irritated and annoyed which makes me feel that i am changing...my feelings arent as strong. He is not a bad person, through what i have learned while we were together, and not by him, he was hurt so bad by several people in his past. Sad as it is, so was I. People started mentioning how happy hr was again, he made comments about hisbfuture again, etc. I know, alcohol came first and always will so there is no future and never will be for us. I know my needs and my worth. I know what i bring to the table and for the first time, a relationship ended and I walked out with everything i walked in with (my home, car, career, my dogs), except the man that I love. I'm ok now with those that, i lost a piece of my heart and that was it.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
I wasn't offended at all! I totally get where you are coming from and I can't speak for everyone here but I think people are very aware that everyone has their own way, that how we approach these things is individual.
The problem with keeping up these periodic texts is that it does irritate you, it probably gives you an adrenaline rush? Annoyance, makes you think back on the whole thing. You are sitting there minding your own business, enjoying your evening and then bam - there is that text. That's the downside to being "polite" in this case.
He also has a Wednesday and Saturday pattern now, perhaps days he's not drinking or is drinking, so now you expect a text. What happens when he decides Wed or Sat is or isn't the drinking day and no text is forthcoming, do you sit and worry?
Now, of course, it's totally up to you if you want to do that or not and maybe it's your way of finally getting irritated enough to halt the contact, but it does have a huge downside - for you.
I'm not advising you to do anything, I truly do get you need to do this your own way, I just hope that you are looking out for yourself first and foremost.
The problem with keeping up these periodic texts is that it does irritate you, it probably gives you an adrenaline rush? Annoyance, makes you think back on the whole thing. You are sitting there minding your own business, enjoying your evening and then bam - there is that text. That's the downside to being "polite" in this case.
When he texted this past Wednesday, i felt I was cold with my response, which in turn caused me more stress. I felt mean
I was sitting on the couch last night playing on my phone and was interrupted by a text from him.
Now, of course, it's totally up to you if you want to do that or not and maybe it's your way of finally getting irritated enough to halt the contact, but it does have a huge downside - for you.
I'm not advising you to do anything, I truly do get you need to do this your own way, I just hope that you are looking out for yourself first and foremost.
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 32
I am very new here and been broken up with AH for only four days so not exactly experienced in these things. I have to accept that I will likely always have some sort of contact with AH because we are going to have a child together. If it wasn't for that, I would completely block all contact with him.
When you respond to your ex, you are, to my mind, still enabling him. I have realised my ex will never get well with me in his life, he needs to hit his rock bottom and go it totally alone. Don't you think your ex is the same? Alcoholics, in my experience, rely on other people, for financial support and emotional support. When they have no one to rely on anymore, they have to learn to rely on themselves.
You are not helping him or yourself by remaining in contact.
When you respond to your ex, you are, to my mind, still enabling him. I have realised my ex will never get well with me in his life, he needs to hit his rock bottom and go it totally alone. Don't you think your ex is the same? Alcoholics, in my experience, rely on other people, for financial support and emotional support. When they have no one to rely on anymore, they have to learn to rely on themselves.
You are not helping him or yourself by remaining in contact.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Kna, I'm not going to suggest you go the whole non-contact route, because I suspect you'll make up your own mind about when that's appropriate.
When I split with my EX (not an A) I still saw quite a bit of him for the children's sake, as there were some geographic factors at play. Gradually we drifted further apart, and eventually he met someone else. I stepped back completely after that, and I'm glad I did. Funnily enough, now we have a grandchild we see each other several times a year, and I'm quite friendly with his (now) wife. Point being, it depends on how friendly you are with your ex, and whether it's hurting you to stay in touch.
What you have to look out for is whether he's becoming dependent on you as his only friend. It would be a kindness to him to gradually increase the distance between you over time. I'm sure you can think of ways to do that. You don't sound like you're dependent on him now, or am I wrong?
When I split with my EX (not an A) I still saw quite a bit of him for the children's sake, as there were some geographic factors at play. Gradually we drifted further apart, and eventually he met someone else. I stepped back completely after that, and I'm glad I did. Funnily enough, now we have a grandchild we see each other several times a year, and I'm quite friendly with his (now) wife. Point being, it depends on how friendly you are with your ex, and whether it's hurting you to stay in touch.
What you have to look out for is whether he's becoming dependent on you as his only friend. It would be a kindness to him to gradually increase the distance between you over time. I'm sure you can think of ways to do that. You don't sound like you're dependent on him now, or am I wrong?
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Join Date: May 2010
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I've always thought of my recovery the way I thought of my loved one's recovery from alcohol addiction...I stayed until I hit my own bottom. And I wasn't done until I was done. When you are done, you will know it. In the meantime, we hold on, however tenuously by that string until we are ready to cut it completely, or dive back in. Everyone's journey is different. There is always support, and experience and wisdom right here.
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