SHETRIM

Brief history- 20 years with STBExAH Three breakups and two failed reconciliations broken promises etc., I have applied to the court for my divorce a restraining order is in place to protect me from him (not violent) which he ignores and calls on the phone regularly to tell me how well he is doing only drinking lemonade and lime setting up a new business etc., how much he misses me how much he wishes that I was on this new journey with him etc., he also suffers from PTSD.
I hope he is refraining from drinking but who knows? My head is telling me to shut the door completely but I answer the phone listen to him even if he is “quacking” to which I say I will speak to him when he is in a better place at a later date before politely putting the phone down. So why can’t I cut all contact why do I still feel something I have told him the best he can expect is distant friendship and maybe meet up for trips to theatre, events etc., after the divorce if we are still speaking?
Feel a bit of a fraud for not completely cutting the ties but am scared to do that? Think I still love him but I am not in love with him or am I still stuck with the fantasy I created in my head?
I am seeing a councillor which is going well but feel trapped by what if he can come clean this time?
Am I completely mental? Pathetic? Feel sad about a future without him being around but his behaviour was way past acceptable and I had to save myself. I should hate him he has broken promises betrayed trust latest incident hacked into my emails and read them all got angry acting hurt because I had joined a dating site so what not even had a conversation with anyone no where near ready for any of that.
Anyone else felt like this?
I took the grown up option to get off the A merry go round am I still grieving the loss of my dream?

Kna810

I wish I had some advice as i am still so very new to this and the feelings i have. I am sorry you are going through this. These people have been so helpful and supportive to me so far. I am sure someone will have great advice! I can relate to your feelings though...

Bernadette

So why can’t I cut all contact why do I still feel something I have told him the best he can expect is distant friendship and maybe meet up for trips to theatre, events etc., after the divorce if we are still speaking?

the best way for me to find answers to questions like this is to stop trying to answer questions like these! Let it be.

If I am wracking my brain trying to answer a question that is not life or death then clearly I need more time, more information, and I trust that more will be revealed. If I am obsessing over a question that I can't answer then that's usually a sign that by focusing on this "question" drama, I am distracting myself from some of my own problems that I should be and could be dealing with.

For me, more is always revealed when I back off, focus on myself, and make some space around issues that I am choosing to obsess over.

Making any decisions that involve allowing the A access to my heart and life again before that A has had at least a year of recovery and sobriety is playing with fire, and I know this.

Give yourself a break, focus on something else, if you can go nc with him then do it, but that's obviously up to you! The past is gone, you are free in THIS moment.
Peace,
B.

atalose

The what if’s and the should have’s will eat away at your brain if you let them.

Let’s start with the should have’s…………….

He should have gotten sober with the first break up, but he didn’t.

He should have gotten sober with the second break up, but he didn’t.

He should have gotten sober with the third break up, but he didn’t.

Given that history it’s a pretty good bet that he will repeat it.

And now the what if’s……………

What if you truly got off of that merry go round instead of always jumping back on it with each of his phone calls?

What if you surround yourself with people who do not lie to you, who do not disrespect you and who do not break promises?

What if you changed that old dream to a brand new one?

NYCDoglvr

Have you tried Alanon? It's a lifesaver in terms of support. I learned there's a difference between codependent need and love and to take the actions which will give me self-respect.

SHETRIM

Thank you I had a real wobble yesterday and needed a kick in the pants 😊 x

trailmix

Hi shetrim. Tough spot to be in for sure. Are you happy doing what you are doing, does this bring you joy? I'm guessing not.

You ask if you are still in love with the dream of what you could have had with him - his potential. You have probably answered your own question?

There are some good articles here that might be of help to you:

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

Also, the stickies section at the top of this forum has a wealth of previous threads that can also be very helpful, a good place to start is here, if you are interested:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

and in particular this thread perhaps:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...potential.html (Potential)

I am guessing he is no where near recovery and is still in active addiction? (based on the fact that he hacked in to your email then got mad at YOU!). That's the reality here.