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Old 01-21-2019, 08:56 PM
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New question

Ok, im new to this site and the people whobm responded to my earlier post were extremely supportive and helpful. I thank them tremendously for that. I have spent the better part of the day reading and absorbing everthing i could about alcoholism. I ran across an article/post about how alcoholics always try to cone back. My ex and i ended in descent terms with the idea that we could be friends. After seeing him the other day, this has proven to be to difficult for me and i have chosen to not answer any forms of communication he may attempt. I have not heard feom him since he came to my work yesterday to watch the playoff game...thank God but, is this true? Alcoholics always try to come back? Just want to prep myself in the case that this happens...so I'm prepared with a response
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Old 01-21-2019, 10:03 PM
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No, it's not necessarily true. Despite their behaviour they are actually not aliens just human like the rest of us haha. Alcoholics do seem to have some patterns, this is not necessarily one of them.

Some people might and some might not. As far as he knows you two are still friends right? So he will no doubt probably contact you at some point or do you mean contact you to get back together?

My suggestion would be to take matters in to your own hands, why would you leave anything up to him? Perhaps a quick note to let him know you think it's better if you don't talk anymore and leave it at that?
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Old 01-21-2019, 10:59 PM
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My XAH didn't try to come back. In the beginning, I was hoping he would get to step 6 or whatever it is in AA and try to make amends. It's been three years; I think I'm safe in saying it's not going to happen.
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Old 01-22-2019, 01:28 AM
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The ex alcoholic in my life who I blocked on January 1st has not come back. Hopefully this is how it will stay. Every person is different I'd imagine. Staying friends with my ex was impossible for me. I found it helpful to use the time to work on myself, as melody beattie says in codependent no more (book). Start having a love affair with yourself.
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Old 01-22-2019, 08:38 AM
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After reading your other thread I think it is safe to say, he won’t be coming back looking for a romantic relationship with you. Sounds like he ended that months ago with the “taking time off to work on himself” thing, which you now know he didn’t.

The whole friendship thing is going to be solely based on you and what you allow as “friendship”. It will be what you teach him, what this friendship will be about. Will it be friends with benefits, friend who lends him money, friend who gives him rides, etc. etc.

Often alcoholics don’t really have friends, they have resources.

No new contact = no new hurts.
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Old 01-22-2019, 10:11 AM
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As I look for the good in life, new opportunities, self-care and enjoying this day, anything else that happens is simply and easily dealt with.

It's a journey. A good one.

How are you doing today?
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Old 01-22-2019, 10:29 AM
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Thank you all for the responses. I dont make first contact with him so, that part will be easy. At the moment, i can only imagine he isnt thinking of me and only of the day filled with drinking. Today I feel better. Some of the responses I have gotten dont seem to fit his MO but i am not trying to obsess about it. I have no control over anythung other than myself. Im still baffled ad to why he hasn't brought the stuff back. And here is a little history ad to why it's so confusing... During our relationship, we participated in 2 paint night for couples. During this, each person painted half of the one picture and when you hung them on the wall together they made a complete picture, with half of it painted by one person and half painted by the other. Anyhow, when we took the "break" back in late november, the discussion was started that we would break up (I was over him not making me a priority.) I am a very symbolic person and when a relationship is done, i toss ALL reminders. In my mind, the pictures we created together needed to be destroyed. When i suggested burning them ad a symbolic end, he had a wounded look on his face and said he wouldnt do that. That he wanted to just seperate them by 2 inches. ( I was complwtely confused, if we arent together then they dont matter). Jump, forward to, last Monday... The day we broke up. When he asked what i wanted from his house, i mentioned the picture, again suggesting we destroy them. He again, didnt want to do that and figured it would be best for me to take the half I painted and he keep the half he painted, each having an incomplete picture. These are sentimental and dont need to exist if we arent together but? Needless to say, he hasnt brought them back...or even given me my half (which I would throw in the burn pile if he did.) This is the part that is confusing. Most guys would gladly give back something like this...a breakup is a breakup...right?
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Old 01-22-2019, 10:32 AM
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Maybe ill start this under a new thread...
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Old 01-22-2019, 10:36 AM
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No need for a new thread. I agree his behavior is confusing, which probably indicates some ambiguity about the break up. Or it might not--none of is are mind-readers so we can't say for sure.

But what really matters here is not HIS feelings about the break-up, but YOURS. Spending a lot of time and energy trying to figure out if he's done is just letting him live rent-free in your head. The question is, are YOU done. If you can answer that for certain, then you will know what to do in the event that he does or doesn't come back.
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Old 01-22-2019, 10:36 AM
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My ex has never really begged to come back. Certainly he would cry and beg and make promises to change while we were still together, but he's never begged to get back together.

What he will do is if we are in communication, make comments like, "you're so beautiful", "I miss being with you", "I want to fall asleep next to you", and other things about our future house or kids, etc. But never, "I'd like to get back together." And even if I'd ask him point blank, he probably wouldn't say that.

What has usually happened is that he either asks to meet or I reach out to him to talk and then he puts on this facade that he's so incredible sorry for everything that he's done and he realizes that it was a problem, but that things are different now. He literally sobbed the last time I saw him in May. I end up feeling extremely guilty or lonely or whatever and start believing that things are different and it inevitably becomes clear that nothing has.

Just a warning that this is how it may be for you. It's a really confusing limbo to be in. For me, it's too mentally taxing and emotionally draining to occupy that space.
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Old 01-22-2019, 10:39 AM
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty View Post
But what really matters here is not HIS feelings about the break-up, but YOURS. Spending a lot of time and energy trying to figure out is he's done is just letting him live rent-free in your head. The question is, are YOU done.
^^^This is exactly right.
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Old 01-22-2019, 10:39 AM
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None of us can read minds, and no two people are the same.

I am an alcoholic in recovery and when I break up with someone I'm like you are describing yourself. I get rid of all reminders. I block him and I don't take any contact from him. I don't know how they act after I'm gone or what they keep and I could not care any less! That's part of the "Ex" thing.

It seems to me that his half of the painting is his to do as he wishes. He is free to do whatever he wants and to deal with his memories/his emotions in any way he likes.
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Old 01-22-2019, 10:42 AM
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I a[
I am mentally exhausted and was back in November when i tried to end things then...when he wanted to take the month of the holidays to "figure out how yo fix this so he didn't lose me". This is the reason I called ladt Monday to get to the bottom of it and get closure, basically the end. I like the comment about him occupying space, rent free in my head. This forum is helping tremendously! I am the type of person that needs to be a priority in a relationship, not the only priority, but a priority. I have read enough to know that a $2 can of beer will always be more important and that seems insulting to me.
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Old 01-22-2019, 10:50 AM
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Sorry one more thing about staying friends.

Would it ever really be a friendship? Even with my friends, I expect some sort of reciprocal support. It's a two-sided thing. With an ex like mine and yours, would it ever be that?

For me, I know that if my ex and I stay friends, I would still be committed to him, while he would take advantage of that support without giving anything in return. It's not really a friendship. After everything he's done, I'm sort of at the point where I need to just stop trying to understand, stop trying to have contact, forgive him, move on, and don't look back.
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Old 01-22-2019, 10:54 AM
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Your right. That is the reason I don't contact him....i call/text my friends but not him. I don't accept the type of treatment he bestowed on my from my friends. I guess that is why I don't refer to him as a friend...just an ex.
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Old 01-22-2019, 11:15 AM
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As for keeping stuff, that's a personal thing I think. Some people like to keep reminders I think and some don't.

I'm a throw everything out person, mementos, gifts, bedding, cookware - everything but I know one ex of mine kept everything and drove off down the road with it. A lot of the stuff I had paid for, including some furniture, gifts etc. He apparently had no problem with that, but he's an ass so go figure lol (not an addict).

People are different, so I guess your ex is one of those people. Also, alcoholics aren't known for being happy and upbeat (in their heads), alcoholism has a serious impact on the brain and it is a depressant. You might want to read some of the threads in the Newcomers to recovery and Alcoholism threads to see how messed up thinking can get and how these folks try to work through that when seeking recovery.

Perhaps your ex likes to wallow in his sadness?
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Old 01-22-2019, 12:26 PM
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If two healthy people decided together to end a relationship and discussed splitting up items and a date/time for that exchange life would be good. But we are not talking about two healthy people here, one is an alcoholic and you cannot expect “normal” from an alcoholic.

Knowing what I know today I do not think I would be waiting around or using ˝ a picture as any kind of bargaining chip or Geiger counter on what an alcoholic is thinking or feeling. Since you said you would burn it anyway then go ahead and picture that fire in your head and let it, him and the relationship go.
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Old 01-22-2019, 01:17 PM
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Good idea alatose....i could easily envision that!
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