Detox...or not
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
Detox...or not
My partner has been sober the last 2 weeks on a Friday and Saturday night (usual heavy drinking nights). Then he has hit it hard last Sunday night and right now (its 1120 pm here). It's almost harder to take than his usual pattern. I think I had become very used to go g him wiped out most of the weekend. We family members need to always be careful of not normalise the drinking behaviors of our partners/sons etc. But I'm a bit tired of having that responsibility. Anyone know what I mean?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
It's funny you ask that because I was literally just sitting here thinking about how deep the denial runs in an alcoholic.
I was reading here in the F&F forum the Quackers thread and also in another thread of hope for the alcoholic that seeks recovery etc.
Normalizing is not just the "delusion" of the partner. The alcoholic, in their actual delusion, denial, lies and protection of their one true love and master (alcohol) can be quite convincing. They LIVE this in their mind and how easy is it to be caught up in that?
I drink because my child doesn't call me. I drink because I just can't get a break. If you knew how hard my work day is and what a bunch of assholes I work with you would drink too! My parents always drank, they taught me to drink, now look where I am!
And a hundred other stories and excuses.
The denial just starts there and then there is denial of what they are actually doing. Whether that is physical violence against their own family members, lying, gambling, lying about their drinking and on and on.
How difficult is it to believe some of this stuff? How easy is it to want to believe it? What is the truth and what is a lie and how do you sort through it when their lie becomes and is their truth?
Absolutely because WHY should you! It is not your responsibility to sort through the lies and half truths and all the denial and bargaining and all the other stuff that goes along with that.
In his mind this change is probably almost as good as getting sober right? Far better to stay sober all weekend then drink the same amount all on a Sunday night!
Far better for you may be to detach and distance yourself from it all. As I have seen said around here often - "Get ye to Al-Anon"!
I was reading here in the F&F forum the Quackers thread and also in another thread of hope for the alcoholic that seeks recovery etc.
Normalizing is not just the "delusion" of the partner. The alcoholic, in their actual delusion, denial, lies and protection of their one true love and master (alcohol) can be quite convincing. They LIVE this in their mind and how easy is it to be caught up in that?
I drink because my child doesn't call me. I drink because I just can't get a break. If you knew how hard my work day is and what a bunch of assholes I work with you would drink too! My parents always drank, they taught me to drink, now look where I am!
And a hundred other stories and excuses.
The denial just starts there and then there is denial of what they are actually doing. Whether that is physical violence against their own family members, lying, gambling, lying about their drinking and on and on.
How difficult is it to believe some of this stuff? How easy is it to want to believe it? What is the truth and what is a lie and how do you sort through it when their lie becomes and is their truth?
Originally Posted by Wombaticus 
But I'm a bit tired of having that responsibility. Anyone know what I mean?
In his mind this change is probably almost as good as getting sober right? Far better to stay sober all weekend then drink the same amount all on a Sunday night!
Far better for you may be to detach and distance yourself from it all. As I have seen said around here often - "Get ye to Al-Anon"!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
But to answer the title of your thread - no this is not "detox" this is an alcoholic doing what they do - drinking.
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
"First the addict lies to himself about his addiction, then he begins to lie to others. Lying, evasion, deception, manipulation, spinning and other techniques for avoiding or distorting the truth are necessary parts of the addictive process. They precede the main body of the addiction like military sappers and shock troops, mapping and clearing the way for its advance and protecting it from hostile counterattacks".
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
"First the addict lies to himself about his addiction, then he begins to lie to others. Lying, evasion, deception, manipulation, spinning and other techniques for avoiding or distorting the truth are necessary parts of the addictive process. They precede the main body of the addiction like military sappers and shock troops, mapping and clearing the way for its advance and protecting it from hostile counterattacks".
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
They can go without for a time, but always relapse and sometimes harder than before.
Detox is different than abstaining for a short time.
From your post it seems you're under some mental strain about the stop-start drinking. Is he hard to live with when he's drunk?
Detox is different than abstaining for a short time.
From your post it seems you're under some mental strain about the stop-start drinking. Is he hard to live with when he's drunk?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
"First the addict lies to himself about his addiction, then he begins to lie to others. Lying, evasion, deception, manipulation, spinning and other techniques for avoiding or distorting the truth are necessary parts of the addictive process. They precede the main body of the addiction like military sappers and shock troops, mapping and clearing the way for its advance and protecting it from hostile counterattacks".
Trailmix, this analogy is brilliant. I find so much comfort in every word that validates that there is just no logic at all, or I suppose very reliable illogical behavior...thank you.
Trailmix, this analogy is brilliant. I find so much comfort in every word that validates that there is just no logic at all, or I suppose very reliable illogical behavior...thank you.
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
Having been through this myself, I think it's important to realize that the addict isn't consciously being delusional or lying. Two things are going on. The first is that their substance(s) have become more important than eating, drinking, sex or breathing, let alone any relationship. The second is that on top of the cognitive distortions created by getting high/drunk/tweaked/nodded out as the #1 priority in life, the substances themselves, and the physical addiction that results, further warp rational thought.
This is not to say, even remotely, that once you understand this that you should forgive, enable or accept the behavior that results. But for the sanity of anyone involved with an addict, it's important to realize what you're dealing with and how deep it goes.
The line between "lying" and actually living and believing their own delusions gets very blurred. It's not about deception, it's about survival, because the need to use is stronger than any survival needs in the brain of an addict. For a sedative/alcohol addict, it can literally be a survival need if the physical addiction is bad enough.
Expecting an addict to respond to rational persuasion is like telling a lemming to stop walking into the water or it will die, and expecting them to stop. It's not a language that a lemming speaks.
This is not to say, even remotely, that once you understand this that you should forgive, enable or accept the behavior that results. But for the sanity of anyone involved with an addict, it's important to realize what you're dealing with and how deep it goes.
The line between "lying" and actually living and believing their own delusions gets very blurred. It's not about deception, it's about survival, because the need to use is stronger than any survival needs in the brain of an addict. For a sedative/alcohol addict, it can literally be a survival need if the physical addiction is bad enough.
Expecting an addict to respond to rational persuasion is like telling a lemming to stop walking into the water or it will die, and expecting them to stop. It's not a language that a lemming speaks.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
