Toleta

I have a story that seems pretty common in this forum. About 18 months ago I met a wonderful man online. We connected immediately. He strongest chemistry I have ever felt. As a twice divorced mom of 2 it felt great to love and be loved. A few months in I started noticing some red flags that I chose to ignore. He seemed to get very agitated when I traveled for work and sent text messages with mean undertone. Several times he drank too much and peed the bed - he claimed he was a deep sleeper. He would call me in the middle of the night drunk. It wasn’t all the time, so I let it go. He had been living off his divorce settlement and couldn’t find a job. His money is as running low so I lent him money. Rather than buckle down, he seemed to start drinking more. His home became unlivable - full of dirty clothes, garbage, cigarettes and wine bottles. I helped him clean it up only to watch it get trashed again. He got tossed from his apartment for smoking and couldn’t get another one without me co-signing, which I did. I paid his rent, security deposit, utility bills and more for 7 months. He finally got a job and I was thrilled - I thought all would get better. It got worse. He started disappearing, cancelling dates and just acting strange. He would show up at my house drunk and i’d Send him away (he lives in walking distance). I helped him with his son (he has full custody) who was doing drugs and drinking. Over the past few months of our relationship I broke up with him over and over again with the hope that he would stop drinking. He would come back and I would take him in and we’d start all over again. Over Thanksgiving weekend he went on a 4 day bender that ended with him getting his 2nd OWI in 3 years. He was arrested at 2:00 in the afternoon at a blood alcohol of 0.28. He had peed himself in a store and was seen staggering through a parking lot with a big wet spot on his pants. After that I broke. I was deveatated and yelled and told him to stay away from me for good. Again - still hoping he’d get better and come back to me. Fast forward 3 weeks and he now has a brand new girlfriend and won’t speak to me, read or respond to my text messages or have anything to do with me.

I am deveatated and just can’t get over the fact I was replaced in a blink of an eye. I love him and I know he loves me. How can he do this? Just toss me away. I am a professional.l woman who totally has her act together. Plenty of cash, own my house, great prospects. He has nothing. What kind of woman would go out with him? He is probably going to jail or at least get 3 months house arrest. He won’t be able to drive at all for 45 days and then after that - just to/from work. I am so sad, betrayed, angry, hurt and a million of other things. Please help me reconcile this in my head - I just can’t make sense of how this happened. I feel it’s all my fault. Please help!!

trailmix

Hi toleta and welcome to SR, plenty of support here for you.

You ask:

Someone who is just going to love his potential. He's not a bad guy all the time is he, I assume that even when he was falling down drunk and using the bed as a bathroom that he had some redeeming qualities? He sponged off you for 7 months. Still, I'm guessing underneath that there was - something.

I doubt he approached her with pee down his leg (good god that's gross).

He probably laid on the same charm he used to entice you. Once he got comfortable with you, all bets were off.

So she will "fix" him, she has hope for him and she's probably cleaning up his apartment right now. What excuses did he use for having no job and no prospects and no money? Bad marriage that he was having a hard time dealing with? Doing his best to get back on his feet but he just can't catch a break (which is why he drinks?)

He doesn't have to deal with any feelings if he doesn't want to, he can just have a few drinks. While you are shocked at how fast he moved on, he NEEDS someone to listen to him, to take care of him, if you're not there he isn't suddenly going to become this fine upstanding citizen that is taking care in his life.

So that's the answer to that. It's not you, don't take it personally.

As for it being your "fault", what exactly do you feel is your fault?

suki44883

Welcome to SR, Toleta. You will find a lot of support here.

Please don't feel like what has happened is your fault. It happens all the time. Active addicts are the worst people to attempt a relationship with. Long distance relationships are even harder because you can't see what they do on a daily basis and they can lie to you and you don't know the difference.

As you stated, there were several red flags that you ignored. Just reading what you wrote, I can't imagine why anyone would want a relationship with someone like him. You deserve so much better. You ask what kind of a woman would go out with him? Well...you did! I don't say that to be rude, but sometimes we see what we want to see instead of what is real. He just uses people. When you said "enough," he had to find someone else to use.

This guy has no future except more of the same. Again, you deserve better. You dodged a bullet when he moved on. It may not seem so now, but in time, you will realize it.

least

You got off lucky, to be rid of him. You deserve better, and he ain't it.

Michsm

Welcome Toleta,

You say you want him to get better and come back to you. Doesn’t sound like he has ever been a partner to you and a relationship is a partnership. Doesn’t sound like he wants to get better. Alcoholics are selfish and you deserve better. My advice is stop texting him and move on. Yes, it is hard but what he is doing is not “love” and you just taking care of him isn’t “love” either.

suki44883

If you had a daughter or a sister who came to you with this story, what would your advice be to her?

AnvilheadII

What kind of woman would go out with him?

well....you did. for 18 months. shelled out cash on his behalf, paid his bills, took him back time and time again.

this is not an uncommon scenario....meet online, where folks can present their shiny best (even if that is not true), coo and coax and cajole the other person into believing this is a real thing. then over time, their true self shows up. unemployed, unemployable, unwilling to take care of themselves or their belongings, leeching off of kind hearted souls, drinking to excess, being reckless, driving drunk endangering other lives, getting dui's........etc etc etc.

the thing is.....this is his MO. this was him before you and this will still be him after you. you aren't the first and you won't be the last.

but the good news is that you are OUT now. you no longer have to live the life of an out of control alcoholic. you get your own life back.

NYCDoglvr

Typical alcoholic behavior. Run for your life and be grateful you dodged a bullet.

Toleta

When I say “what woman would go out with him?” I got lseveral responses that said “Well you did.” Sure - I did, but at that point he had plenty of money and wasn’t facing a serious OWI and all the consequences of that. He is a complete disaster right now - why doesn’t he want to be with me? I know he’s not right for me, but the rejection by a parking lot pee-er is really deveatating. If someone like that doesn’t want me, then who the heck will?

Toleta

And - he has not had a drop to drink since his arrest 6 weeks ago. So he quits drinking and now is fine and happy w a new girlfriend and I am alone and sad.

suki44883

You are taking this personally and it isn't personal at all. This has nothing to do with you. He is just doing what addicts do.

How do you know he hasn't had a drink in 6 weeks? Do you honestly think someone in the condition he was in is capable of just quitting drinking cold turkey forever? He moved on because you said you had enough. People like him cannot go long without an enabler, and that's what you were to him. He had to find someone else, and he did. Nothing personal toward you; he's just looking out for number one.

Who will want you? Well, someone with a little confidence and self-esteem who sees the compassionate person you are. Someone who is successful in life as you are. Someone who will appreciate you, not just use you. There are lots of men out there who would be very happy with someone like you but you won't ever meet them if you keep trying to hang on to this guy. Let him go.

trailmix

You said you " told him to stay away from me for good".

So basically, in reality he is doing exactly what you asked him to do. Historically he may have always stumbled back (drunk) but as you have said, he is now sober and therefore, perhaps, has a bit more impulse control?

As for the new gf, well, he is sober, that doesn't mean he is all fine. Alcoholism changes the brain, no one is fully recovered in 6 weeks, especially if he is just "white-knuckling" it and isn't part of any therapy or rehab or even AA?

If you have read around here you will know that alcoholism is not something that ever goes away and normally takes quite a while to start to heal from and some serious self searching and healing to get back on any kind of firm footing in sobriety.

Glenjo99

How could he do this to you? Because he's an alcoholic and ........ I won't finish what I want to say.

I've been through similar situation, and as soon as I showed signs of backing off or learning about codependency he found a replacement. The new lady in your guys life is just an enabler. He is using her, doesn't love her. Doesn't love himself.

It is heartbreaking for you. I get that completely. It's horrendous to give your love to someone who you have great chemistry with. I'm still working through it. You feel that they must feel it too but in my case I could have been anyone I think. I was another person to boost his ego, get him things and enable. When you finally see behind the mask it's not pretty. Feel for you right now, I remember how bad that pain is. Sorry your going through it.

One thing I can recommend is reading a book called codependent no more by melody beattie (if you feel like reading sometime). Helped me a lot and using this forum.

honeypig

I've only got a moment but wanted to quickly post something that an SR member shared here some time ago regarding a situation similar to yours.

The member had been thru the wringer w/an alcoholic boyfriend, much like you have. After she finally had enough and ended things for real, she began to see on FB and hear from people they both knew about her XABF's "wonderful new life" and "wonderful new GF", how he was sober now and life was just picture-perfect. She posted here in the same state of mind as you are in now.

And the wise reply she received was this: "I try to think of it this way- If I threw a moldy sandwich in a Dumpster, would I really be jealous of the person who was so starved for crumbs that they would dive in the Dumpster to pick it up?"

So ask yourself just how hungry you are, really... Did any of the things you did to "help" make the slightest bit of difference? Did he start to try to help himself, or did he just take even more advantage of you?

I'd say buy some nice new sheets and make sure nobody ever pees your bed again....

honeypig

Holding yourself out like a prize he can have if he sobers up is bound to end in defeat for you--you can't hold a candle to Alcohol and the place it holds in his life. Don't think it means you are any less worthy, good, attractive, smart, or whatever. There is just simply no way to compete.

sunday9

I understand how you feel. Been there....still there. Over and over with same ABF. How someone who can't work more than a couple days in a row, can't wash his clothes or clean his room, can't pay a bill, has horrible temperament, wets the bed .... can leave to find greener grass and yet we are left feeling less than. I mean getting dumped or dissed or lied to or hurt or disappointed by the likes of pond scum should never happen especially when we have provided, encouraged, stroked the ego and loved them unconditionally.

I've dealt with this for years. The few times he left for greener pastures of course did not work out. I still wasted precious time and buckets of tears only to have ABF return to basically status quo....never better. I see the pattern as well as appreciate what all these wise posters have said. But just last week when I found him online chatting with women it stung. Because I'm not good enough?? Even though I know that's not true --- inevitably that feeling creeps up. I've put up with his horrible disease... paid all the bills and I'm a nice, kind, fun, attractive person but NOT good enough????!!! About as baffling as alcoholism. 🙃

For what it's worth they lie. And lie. I doubt he is sober now. And I doubt things are great. And I doubt it lasts. And he is not worth it. And he probably will try to get back with you. But on his time and terms. And if he doesn't you are actually lucky but you are still hurting and very confused now.

I haven't posted in a long time but your post touched me. I hope you feel better soon. 💕

atalose

He had been living off his divorce settlement and couldn’t find a job.

His home became unlivable - full of dirty clothes, garbage, cigarettes and wine bottles.

He got tossed from his apartment for smoking and couldn’t get another one without me co-signing,

You put up with all of that before…………

I don’t mean this in a mean way but you seem to be comparing apples to watermelons when in fact it’s still apples to apples. Red flags are still red flags no matter how you attempt to dress them up or excuse them away. It really isn’t his fault you ignored them, he’s doing what alcoholics do, lying, using and manipulating people for his benefits.

Maybe this new person will also ignore the red flags.

And this is where we discover that it has nothing at all to do with the drinking or the alcoholic and everything to do with us and our own issues. Finding out why you put up with unacceptable behavior will help you not repeat it, maybe.

lostinjersey1

I had to post to this, if you read my several posts you would see I am going through something similar however, there is no other woman. He doesn't leave his house, bathe himself, brush his teeth, eat. He sits in a dark gross house and drinks pints of vodka...Everytime this happens, no text messages, turns his phone off...And I think what did I do to deserve this? why am I not good enough for him to remain sober? Every time he sobers up, he comes back, tell's me every thing I want to hear and I fall for it over and over, just to have him relapse again and go into hiding....I realized I am very very co-dependent on him....I get so angry, all i do is cry. I will never understand. Now he is on his third DUI and facing jail time....In a way I am relived and hope maybe this is a wake up call? Probably not, losing me, losing his job, bleeding on the brain from one drunken binge accident. Nope, still not enough.

So I understand how you feel, and you cannot take it personal..This is an addicts way of life. He clearly needs someone to take care of him. Trust me, do NOT regret telling him to stay away, life with an alcoholic is a nightmare. lies, lies lies. They use people and in the end only care about themselves.

Most likely, he will be back..I told my AXB to stay away from me more times than I could count, for the most part he did, until he sobered up and realized what he did and how bad he messed up.

Please stay strong; you will find a lot of support here. You are not alone in this but don't give in and go back, trust me; it doesn't get better. He needs professional help to get better.

Even after what six relapses my ex has? I have lost count..I am still a fool and imagine us having a life together one day...Probably won't happen but it hurts when you realize the person you love and wanted a future with can never actually give you what you want.

tomsteve

you may want to look at the important part of the act that doesnt read like a very well put together act- everything inside of yourself.
getting out of denial aint easy and doesnt feel the greatest, but when i finally accepted i was the one that allowed everything to happen and i was all jacked up inside, i was able to look at the true problems within me and get into solutions.
i couldnt love a addict/alkie to health. no amount of actions were going to do it even though i tried. i got used big time,though because i allowed it to happen because i had untreated codependency.

PuzzledHeart

Would you ask a parking lot pee-er to choose your boyfriend for you? For career advice? Why do you hold his opinion in such high regard when he has such a questionable track record?