Codependent behaviours forever to be worked on.....
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Originally Posted by Mango212 
Here's an explanation of trauma bonds, love bombing and recovery:
"Trauma bonds are exactly what they sound like: bonds that are formed between people by trauma. And they are strong. Unlike love, bonding is both a biological and emotional process. Bonds don't fade over time. You can't "fall out of bond" the way you can fall out of love. Bonding survives, even when you don't love the person anymore, or even like them. These bonds have to be broken in order to move on and heal. It is very difficult to stay away from a person you have bonded with, which is why people stay in abusive relationships even after they know they should leave, and even after they actually want to leave. It's a dirty trick, really. Love is easier to release than a trauma bond, and, an even dirtier trick, the longer a relationship involving a trauma bond goes on, the harder it is to leave. This is especially true when enmeshment occurs, which is the break down of boundaries between people. Enmeshment is when boundaries are so poor, people cannot tell where they end and the other person begins.
Why are Trauma Bonds So Strong?
Trauma bonds are caused by inconsistency in relationships. Love bombing followed by abuse, followed by more love bombing, for example. That's inconsistency. It keeps people off-kilter and continuously looking for a way to get back the good feelings. This type of dynamic occurs in relationships with narcissists, with alcoholics and drug addicts, and in abusive relationships in general. People who have grown up in an abusive environment are especialy susceptible to this type of thing.
Breaking a Trauma Bond
The way to break a trauma bond is by consciously deciding to live in reality. It's about confronting your own denials and illusions. That means facing the truth of the situation, whatever that is. This person is abusive and they are not going to change. It doesn't matter if you hope they will or fantasize that they might. They are not going to. Their motives, reasons, intentions and excuses don't matter. It isn't about them. It's about the truth, and the simple truth is that it isn't going to change. Another truth you need to face may be the truth that you don't love this person anymore. It's almost certainly the truth that they don't love you and cannot be the person you need. It's OK to grieve these things; they need to be acknowledged and they are going to hurt because you are losing something valuable to yourself. But you can't let that stop you from facing these things down. It's only temporary."
"Trauma bonds are exactly what they sound like: bonds that are formed between people by trauma. And they are strong. Unlike love, bonding is both a biological and emotional process. Bonds don't fade over time. You can't "fall out of bond" the way you can fall out of love. Bonding survives, even when you don't love the person anymore, or even like them. These bonds have to be broken in order to move on and heal. It is very difficult to stay away from a person you have bonded with, which is why people stay in abusive relationships even after they know they should leave, and even after they actually want to leave. It's a dirty trick, really. Love is easier to release than a trauma bond, and, an even dirtier trick, the longer a relationship involving a trauma bond goes on, the harder it is to leave. This is especially true when enmeshment occurs, which is the break down of boundaries between people. Enmeshment is when boundaries are so poor, people cannot tell where they end and the other person begins.
Why are Trauma Bonds So Strong?
Trauma bonds are caused by inconsistency in relationships. Love bombing followed by abuse, followed by more love bombing, for example. That's inconsistency. It keeps people off-kilter and continuously looking for a way to get back the good feelings. This type of dynamic occurs in relationships with narcissists, with alcoholics and drug addicts, and in abusive relationships in general. People who have grown up in an abusive environment are especialy susceptible to this type of thing.
Breaking a Trauma Bond
The way to break a trauma bond is by consciously deciding to live in reality. It's about confronting your own denials and illusions. That means facing the truth of the situation, whatever that is. This person is abusive and they are not going to change. It doesn't matter if you hope they will or fantasize that they might. They are not going to. Their motives, reasons, intentions and excuses don't matter. It isn't about them. It's about the truth, and the simple truth is that it isn't going to change. Another truth you need to face may be the truth that you don't love this person anymore. It's almost certainly the truth that they don't love you and cannot be the person you need. It's OK to grieve these things; they need to be acknowledged and they are going to hurt because you are losing something valuable to yourself. But you can't let that stop you from facing these things down. It's only temporary."
Fantastic description of what I've been feeling. Almost like I didn't love him anymore but I could not let go of the draw or attraction to be around him. Like I had shed a lot of my feelings for him and you know what he picked up on it too! Hence him picking up a new person. Those bonds are strong and intoxicating at times.
I like the reality piece as the way to get over them. It is what's helped me stay in no contact thus far. He treated me abismally at Xmas. He is abusive, selfish, narcissistic and emotionless.
Thanks for this.
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Yes and there are hints in the other thread you made as well:
Your friend said you had let go of him incrementally and he or she pretty much hit the nail on the head (sounds like a good friend to have!).
So you look back and you go hey, I'm not really caring, wth?
Once you accept that you are actually done (which carries it's own fear, as you mentioned you have been doing this for a long time now, this is, or was, a big part of your life) you will be fine with it. But as good a thing as it is, it's still a bit scary!
You will be fine as you take your time to settle in to your new norm.
Originally Posted by Glenjo99
Im questioning how easily and strongly I have quit him. Shouldn't I be in more sadness, more pain, more up and down, but I don't seem to be. I know sounds crazy! I seem to be.......ok. He's not occupying my thoughts anywhere near as much just every now and then, and when he does Crop up it just makes me angry.
So you look back and you go hey, I'm not really caring, wth?
Once you accept that you are actually done (which carries it's own fear, as you mentioned you have been doing this for a long time now, this is, or was, a big part of your life) you will be fine with it. But as good a thing as it is, it's still a bit scary!
You will be fine as you take your time to settle in to your new norm.
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Join Date: Jul 2018
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Yes and there are hints in the other thread you made as well:
Your friend said you had let go of him incrementally and he or she pretty much hit the nail on the head (sounds like a good friend to have!).
So you look back and you go hey, I'm not really caring, wth?
Once you accept that you are actually done (which carries it's own fear, as you mentioned you have been doing this for a long time now, this is, or was, a big part of your life) you will be fine with it. But as good a thing as it is, it's still a bit scary!
You will be fine as you take your time to settle in to your new norm.
Your friend said you had let go of him incrementally and he or she pretty much hit the nail on the head (sounds like a good friend to have!).
So you look back and you go hey, I'm not really caring, wth?
Once you accept that you are actually done (which carries it's own fear, as you mentioned you have been doing this for a long time now, this is, or was, a big part of your life) you will be fine with it. But as good a thing as it is, it's still a bit scary!
You will be fine as you take your time to settle in to your new norm.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 500
Originally Posted by Mango212
All is well.
Getting comfortable in my own skin is something I'm extremely grateful for in my recovery.
It's a journey that gets easier as we get used to treating ourselves well and creating a healthy relationship with self first.
Perhaps it's simply too early to jump into a relationship with another person?
Getting comfortable in my own skin is something I'm extremely grateful for in my recovery.
It's a journey that gets easier as we get used to treating ourselves well and creating a healthy relationship with self first.
Perhaps it's simply too early to jump into a relationship with another person?
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Join Date: Jul 2018
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Originally Posted by dawnrising
Yep ^ all that. I challenge you to not fill the drama or contact void in those moments of longing or uncomfortableness. Find a way to nurture yourself through them and you will find a peace within yourself that will follow you into your new life. It sucks at first and its really hard, trust me. In crisis management I found my worth so when that went away I had some real trouble figuring out what I had to offer, but there is so much more to me than managing chaos. I actually have no interest in doing it anymore, I have found much better ways to spend my time.
Focusing now on me and my needs and wants is my priority. Codependent recovery is ongoing.
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