What is wrong with me?
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 108
What is wrong with me?
Haven’t posted in a while, but I did something that I feel very awful about and would like to get your thoughts. Short background. I dated a guy for about 3 years who had recurring problems with alcohol. Although he didn’t drink every day or always drink to the point of drunkenness, there were many incidences of getting to the point of being very drunk in inappropriate situations, lying about drinking, hiding alcohol, blaming, making promises and not following through, and inability to quit or control his consumption for more than a month, which led to this roller coaster thing and eventually we broke up.
When we started dating, I knew he had a reputation for drinking a lot and flirting, and I specifically asked him if he went out and got drunk and went home with girls (as personally, I didn’t want to date someone that engaged in these sort of behaviors on a regular basis). He told me that he didn’t do that. There was one incident during our relationship where he went out with a friend and he and the friend brought 2 girls back from the bar to the friend’s apartment and they all spent the night there. He told me about this in passing, said that nothing happened. I was pissed off but forgave him (sounds naïve, but I did believe that nothing actually happened). Anyways we ended up breaking up when he moved away over a year ago.
Fast forward to now. We hadn’t had any contact for 6 months other than him liking a few of me and my family’s social media posts. Then I texted him to wish him a Merry Christmas, and of course we continued to talk, and he told me he was seeing a counselor for drinking, that things were different, blah blah blah, and we talked about maybe meeting up in February to see each other.
This week I’m at a work conference and I have 2 female colleagues that I’m here with. One of them is a good friend of mine and we were talking and she asked about my communication with my ex. So I was telling her about the drinking and counseling, etc. The other colleague, who I don’t know as well, indicated that she knew that my ex used to get drunk a lot and be really flirtatious with women before we were together. So l said, yeah I know, but I don’t really think he would go home with women. She said that she thought he did, and I asked why. And she said that he did that with her!
So I flipped out and texted him A LOT over the course of the night, about how I felt betrayed, that this was just another lie, how I just felt completely embarrassed. He called and we talked on the phone, but even after that, I just continued to text him about all the ******** that he did when we were together and how I couldn’t trust him, how everything was a lie, and on and on. I’m usually good at controlling my emotions and being calm and rational, but honestly it was like I was possessed and I just couldn’t stop. Even though the incident with my colleague happened before we started dating, it just felt like another huge blow, and like the full weight of everything that happened throughout the course of relationship just resurfaced in my mind. I just felt so hurt. Then of course, I woke up in the morning and felt completely awful for how I acted and I texted him and apologized for lashing out. He hasn’t responded. I just have felt so sick the last 2 days; like when did I become this psycho that texts 50 times over the night? Who does that? Why could I not wait until I returned from the conference, and then had a rational conversation with him about it. Maybe it’s just my gut’s way of telling me that this relationship is not good and never will be. I don’t know, but I feel terrible.
When we started dating, I knew he had a reputation for drinking a lot and flirting, and I specifically asked him if he went out and got drunk and went home with girls (as personally, I didn’t want to date someone that engaged in these sort of behaviors on a regular basis). He told me that he didn’t do that. There was one incident during our relationship where he went out with a friend and he and the friend brought 2 girls back from the bar to the friend’s apartment and they all spent the night there. He told me about this in passing, said that nothing happened. I was pissed off but forgave him (sounds naïve, but I did believe that nothing actually happened). Anyways we ended up breaking up when he moved away over a year ago.
Fast forward to now. We hadn’t had any contact for 6 months other than him liking a few of me and my family’s social media posts. Then I texted him to wish him a Merry Christmas, and of course we continued to talk, and he told me he was seeing a counselor for drinking, that things were different, blah blah blah, and we talked about maybe meeting up in February to see each other.
This week I’m at a work conference and I have 2 female colleagues that I’m here with. One of them is a good friend of mine and we were talking and she asked about my communication with my ex. So I was telling her about the drinking and counseling, etc. The other colleague, who I don’t know as well, indicated that she knew that my ex used to get drunk a lot and be really flirtatious with women before we were together. So l said, yeah I know, but I don’t really think he would go home with women. She said that she thought he did, and I asked why. And she said that he did that with her!
So I flipped out and texted him A LOT over the course of the night, about how I felt betrayed, that this was just another lie, how I just felt completely embarrassed. He called and we talked on the phone, but even after that, I just continued to text him about all the ******** that he did when we were together and how I couldn’t trust him, how everything was a lie, and on and on. I’m usually good at controlling my emotions and being calm and rational, but honestly it was like I was possessed and I just couldn’t stop. Even though the incident with my colleague happened before we started dating, it just felt like another huge blow, and like the full weight of everything that happened throughout the course of relationship just resurfaced in my mind. I just felt so hurt. Then of course, I woke up in the morning and felt completely awful for how I acted and I texted him and apologized for lashing out. He hasn’t responded. I just have felt so sick the last 2 days; like when did I become this psycho that texts 50 times over the night? Who does that? Why could I not wait until I returned from the conference, and then had a rational conversation with him about it. Maybe it’s just my gut’s way of telling me that this relationship is not good and never will be. I don’t know, but I feel terrible.
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 106
I just did the same thing yesterday. With my live in Alcoholic boyfriend. He never responds to me when I text him especially if I'm going crazy about his drinking and lying. Too much to explain now , feel free to read my threads for insight. Similar situation. I keep asking myself why am I with/waiting on a man who lies to me, who doesn't put forth the effort for a proper relationship. I have a great job and the means to live a nice lifestyle, but I'm hung up on a man who does not satisfy me. He comes home drunk and belligerent, but then the other side of him can be loving etc. it's a mind game and the last thing I want to do is waste my valuable time on a mind game. I want to feel secure and have a trusting relationship with someone that cares about having goals and making things happen together. I'm totally against flirting. But the lying and drinking is just as bad. Dont feel bad about what you did. Be strong and believe in your gut. I've been sick to my stomach as well. My gut is always trying to tell me something. Xoxox
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by 2018LizAnon 
I just have felt so sick the last 2 days; like when did I become this psycho that texts 50 times over the night? Who does that? Why could I not wait until I returned from the conference, and then had a rational conversation with him about it. Maybe it’s just my gut’s way of telling me that this relationship is not good and never will be. I don’t know, but I feel terrible.
It's not you. The behaviour is not your norm and you aren't a psycho woman! How many times have you seen posted on these boards - I don't know what came over me but I screamed at him for - etc etc. You know what I mean. Then the person is remorseful.
These things happen, in my experience, when you bottle things up. You say you are usually able to control your emotions and that's a good thing, you don't want to be venting all over the place but those feelings don't just go - nowhere. If you are stuffing your feelings down you will eventually feel sick, or have to blow off steam somewhere, whether that at a family member, the clerk at the store (poor clerks) or your co-worker.
When he called I'm sure he was rather apologetic, trying to get his act together, glad to finally have help blah blah blah. Obviously whatever he said was the final straw for you. You were probably trying to say the right things? Stay in control and be mature and understanding? That's a great approach but I'm going to guess you have been carrying around a load of resentment for 6 months (and probably much longer).
I think maybe that load of resentment will seem a bit lighter after you have forgiven yourself for venting like that. Maybe they were things that needed to be said. You apologized and he didn't answer, so maybe he isn't over it - not your problem.
As they say here so often - no new contacts = no new hurts. Do you plan on continuing to talk to him or are you finished with this?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Amusic, I don't know if you have read this but you might see some answers here for why you would stay with this man that doesn't satisfy you (that's a profound statement - you don't even want to be with him by the sound of your post):
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-chick-en.html (Don't be his chick(en)!!!)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-chick-en.html (Don't be his chick(en)!!!)
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Originally Posted by 2018LizAnon
Haven’t posted in a while, but I did something that I feel very awful about and would like to get your thoughts. Short background. I dated a guy for about 3 years who had recurring problems with alcohol. Although he didn’t drink every day or always drink to the point of drunkenness, there were many incidences of getting to the point of being very drunk in inappropriate situations, lying about drinking, hiding alcohol, blaming, making promises and not following through, and inability to quit or control his consumption for more than a month, which led to this roller coaster thing and eventually we broke up.
When we started dating, I knew he had a reputation for drinking a lot and flirting, and I specifically asked him if he went out and got drunk and went home with girls (as personally, I didn’t want to date someone that engaged in these sort of behaviors on a regular basis). He told me that he didn’t do that. There was one incident during our relationship where he went out with a friend and he and the friend brought 2 girls back from the bar to the friend’s apartment and they all spent the night there. He told me about this in passing, said that nothing happened. I was pissed off but forgave him (sounds naïve, but I did believe that nothing actually happened). Anyways we ended up breaking up when he moved away over a year ago.
Fast forward to now. We hadn’t had any contact for 6 months other than him liking a few of me and my family’s social media posts. Then I texted him to wish him a Merry Christmas, and of course we continued to talk, and he told me he was seeing a counselor for drinking, that things were different, blah blah blah, and we talked about maybe meeting up in February to see each other.
This week I’m at a work conference and I have 2 female colleagues that I’m here with. One of them is a good friend of mine and we were talking and she asked about my communication with my ex. So I was telling her about the drinking and counseling, etc. The other colleague, who I don’t know as well, indicated that she knew that my ex used to get drunk a lot and be really flirtatious with women before we were together. So l said, yeah I know, but I don’t really think he would go home with women. She said that she thought he did, and I asked why. And she said that he did that with her!
So I flipped out and texted him A LOT over the course of the night, about how I felt betrayed, that this was just another lie, how I just felt completely embarrassed. He called and we talked on the phone, but even after that, I just continued to text him about all the ******** that he did when we were together and how I couldn’t trust him, how everything was a lie, and on and on. I’m usually good at controlling my emotions and being calm and rational, but honestly it was like I was possessed and I just couldn’t stop. Even though the incident with my colleague happened before we started dating, it just felt like another huge blow, and like the full weight of everything that happened throughout the course of relationship just resurfaced in my mind. I just felt so hurt. Then of course, I woke up in the morning and felt completely awful for how I acted and I texted him and apologized for lashing out. He hasn’t responded. I just have felt so sick the last 2 days; like when did I become this psycho that texts 50 times over the night? Who does that? Why could I not wait until I returned from the conference, and then had a rational conversation with him about it. Maybe it’s just my gut’s way of telling me that this relationship is not good and never will be. I don’t know, but I feel terrible.
When we started dating, I knew he had a reputation for drinking a lot and flirting, and I specifically asked him if he went out and got drunk and went home with girls (as personally, I didn’t want to date someone that engaged in these sort of behaviors on a regular basis). He told me that he didn’t do that. There was one incident during our relationship where he went out with a friend and he and the friend brought 2 girls back from the bar to the friend’s apartment and they all spent the night there. He told me about this in passing, said that nothing happened. I was pissed off but forgave him (sounds naïve, but I did believe that nothing actually happened). Anyways we ended up breaking up when he moved away over a year ago.
Fast forward to now. We hadn’t had any contact for 6 months other than him liking a few of me and my family’s social media posts. Then I texted him to wish him a Merry Christmas, and of course we continued to talk, and he told me he was seeing a counselor for drinking, that things were different, blah blah blah, and we talked about maybe meeting up in February to see each other.
This week I’m at a work conference and I have 2 female colleagues that I’m here with. One of them is a good friend of mine and we were talking and she asked about my communication with my ex. So I was telling her about the drinking and counseling, etc. The other colleague, who I don’t know as well, indicated that she knew that my ex used to get drunk a lot and be really flirtatious with women before we were together. So l said, yeah I know, but I don’t really think he would go home with women. She said that she thought he did, and I asked why. And she said that he did that with her!
So I flipped out and texted him A LOT over the course of the night, about how I felt betrayed, that this was just another lie, how I just felt completely embarrassed. He called and we talked on the phone, but even after that, I just continued to text him about all the ******** that he did when we were together and how I couldn’t trust him, how everything was a lie, and on and on. I’m usually good at controlling my emotions and being calm and rational, but honestly it was like I was possessed and I just couldn’t stop. Even though the incident with my colleague happened before we started dating, it just felt like another huge blow, and like the full weight of everything that happened throughout the course of relationship just resurfaced in my mind. I just felt so hurt. Then of course, I woke up in the morning and felt completely awful for how I acted and I texted him and apologized for lashing out. He hasn’t responded. I just have felt so sick the last 2 days; like when did I become this psycho that texts 50 times over the night? Who does that? Why could I not wait until I returned from the conference, and then had a rational conversation with him about it. Maybe it’s just my gut’s way of telling me that this relationship is not good and never will be. I don’t know, but I feel terrible.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,427
Whatever recovery he has is early stages and it sounds like he has a long way to go--such ethical failings are not "repaired" easily and take time.
In other words, the guy isn't relationship material right now and perhaps it is all for the best--let it go and assume you may have dodged a greater hurt down the road.
You apologized, and that, in my view, is what you can do right now to make it right.
I'd be furious myself if that happened to me, so this was a kind of temporary reaction and is not characteristic of you.
In other words, the guy isn't relationship material right now and perhaps it is all for the best--let it go and assume you may have dodged a greater hurt down the road.
You apologized, and that, in my view, is what you can do right now to make it right.
I'd be furious myself if that happened to me, so this was a kind of temporary reaction and is not characteristic of you.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Maybe it’s just my gut’s way of telling me that this relationship is not good and never will be.
Usually our emotional overreactions are our inability to control our own emotions and that can lead to problems. In this case don’t allow your reaction to distract you from the real problem which is…….
He turned out to be worthy of his reputation, drinking and flirting.
In the time you had no contact with him, how did you re-build your life and move on and away from that relationship? Or didn’t you? Maybe if you didn't that is why you are repeating your history.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
Sometimes I think the universe provides what we need at the moment we need it.
Maybe it is not the right time to go back there to that relationship.
Don't be so hard on yourself, you are human, and something was triggered, and you realize it.
All you can do now is apologize, as you did, and then move forward doing what is best for you with people who bring out the best in you, not the worst.
It's all any of us can do.
Maybe it is not the right time to go back there to that relationship.
Don't be so hard on yourself, you are human, and something was triggered, and you realize it.
All you can do now is apologize, as you did, and then move forward doing what is best for you with people who bring out the best in you, not the worst.
It's all any of us can do.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
Yeah, just take it easy on yourself. I've made plenty of mistakes in my life as well.
I heard something that helps me stay out of sticky situations where I want to speak my mind. It goes something like this.
Does something need to be said?
Does something need to be said by me?
Does something need to be said right now?
If you can honestly answer those questions and if any of the answers are "No", then it's best not to say anything. Usually I wake up the next day having said nothing and my world has returned to a level of serenity. The events from the previous day are pretty gray at best and I get to move on in my life.
I heard something that helps me stay out of sticky situations where I want to speak my mind. It goes something like this.
Does something need to be said?
Does something need to be said by me?
Does something need to be said right now?
If you can honestly answer those questions and if any of the answers are "No", then it's best not to say anything. Usually I wake up the next day having said nothing and my world has returned to a level of serenity. The events from the previous day are pretty gray at best and I get to move on in my life.
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 330
Hey Liz, I hope you're feeling bit better today?
I lost my head with boyfriend sooo many times. I used to feel really guilty about the way I behaved too. But as soon as I felt grounded, forgave myself for being human, and recognized that he was as much a part of the problem, everything eased up. Now I'm glad I flipped out all those times because through all that drama I learned that I'm the source of my happiness. Not him. Realizing this was huge. I'd always made my boyfriends the be all and end all. But now I see that my partner is there to have a mutually loving and supporting relationship with.
If I need him to be a certain way, then actually I'm way too invested. I'm attaching my happiness to him.
You've been on and off for a long time, so this probably isn't the end yet since there's obvious strong feelings there, no matter how convuluted things have become... I'd just try to relax and remember that everything is unfolding the way it is meant to and if after getting grounded you're still sure in your gut that he's more bad for you than good, then you'll let him go.
In terms of dealing with triggers that would typically cause me to flip or be defensive. I remind myself that I respect myself too much to give away my valuable energy. I really like JADE.
JADE - never feel obligated to Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain.
I like shellcrusher's advice too:
Does something need to be said?
Does something need to be said by me?
Does something need to be said right now?
Please forgive yourself. If he cares enough you'll hear from him anyway. X
I lost my head with boyfriend sooo many times. I used to feel really guilty about the way I behaved too. But as soon as I felt grounded, forgave myself for being human, and recognized that he was as much a part of the problem, everything eased up. Now I'm glad I flipped out all those times because through all that drama I learned that I'm the source of my happiness. Not him. Realizing this was huge. I'd always made my boyfriends the be all and end all. But now I see that my partner is there to have a mutually loving and supporting relationship with.
If I need him to be a certain way, then actually I'm way too invested. I'm attaching my happiness to him.
You've been on and off for a long time, so this probably isn't the end yet since there's obvious strong feelings there, no matter how convuluted things have become... I'd just try to relax and remember that everything is unfolding the way it is meant to and if after getting grounded you're still sure in your gut that he's more bad for you than good, then you'll let him go.
In terms of dealing with triggers that would typically cause me to flip or be defensive. I remind myself that I respect myself too much to give away my valuable energy. I really like JADE.
JADE - never feel obligated to Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain.
I like shellcrusher's advice too:
Does something need to be said?
Does something need to be said by me?
Does something need to be said right now?
Please forgive yourself. If he cares enough you'll hear from him anyway. X
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 108
Originally Posted by trailmix
As they say here so often - no new contacts = no new hurts. Do you plan on continuing to talk to him or are you finished with this?
He ended up texting me about how disappointed and hurt he was by my messages. I texted him back apologizing again for my harsh reaction. We talked on the phone for a while, where I apologized and he said that he understood how I felt, that it was good that we talked, etc. Then we texted like normal (just really pleasant/supportive things) and then I texted him last night to see how his day was. He texted me back a few hours later that he hoped my flight was really nice (I was traveling). He had seemed really stressed about a work thing Friday night, so I asked if everything was ok last night and he hasn't responded.
I don't know what to make of any of this. I just feel like I'm sick of being angry, but I also feel like how much more am I going to find out about him? What else was he lying about? And yes, things that he did before we met shouldn't really matter as long as he was faithful to me during our relationship, but at the same time, why did he lie about it? It's not the first time he's lied about things like that. In the context of the conversation, I was defending him, but then was confronted with the truth from someone who actually experienced it herself. I just felt embarrassed that other people knew way more about my ex-boyfriend than I did. Like, how naive was I? I felt sort of like I was made to look like a fool.
Additionally, it's not like the irresponsible behavior with alcohol stopped when we started dating. It was really bad. There was a lot of lying, a lot of blaming and deflecting; he hurt me a lot. I love him, but I think through the events this week, I've realized that I'm still not "over it". But should I be? Yes, I should be "over it" in the sense of forgiving and moving on, but to get back into the relationship? I don't know. On top of that, I was the one that reached out at Christmas. While he admits that his relationship with alcohol was a major problem and that he treated me terribly and that he "regrets this everyday", it's not like he reached out and explained to me what he was all doing/going to do to prove to me that things had changed and earn back my trust.
I don't know. I just feel sick all the time. I just feel like I'm still so obsessed, trying to control his actions, know what he's doing, etc. I don't think I'm usually like that with people at all. It's just that I don't trust him; but I have good reasons not too. And now that we don't live in the same city, I don't know if he is even doing the things that he tells me he's doing. I realize I have these maybe codependent traits, but I think it's situational, and I don't really want a relationship were I can't trust my partner and I think he's given me a lot of reasons to not trust him. Until I really feel like he truly is reaching out to prove to me through concrete actions that he is trying to be more responsible and rebuild the broken trust, I think the same cyclical thing will keep happening, which is making me physically and mentally ill.
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Join Date: Jul 2018
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Originally Posted by Surfbee
Hey Liz, I hope you're feeling bit better today?
I lost my head with boyfriend sooo many times. I used to feel really guilty about the way I behaved too. But as soon as I felt grounded, forgave myself for being human, and recognized that he was as much a part of the problem, everything eased up. Now I'm glad I flipped out all those times because through all that drama I learned that I'm the source of my happiness. Not him. Realizing this was huge. I'd always made my boyfriends the be all and end all. But now I see that my partner is there to have a mutually loving and supporting relationship with.
If I need him to be a certain way, then actually I'm way too invested. I'm attaching my happiness to him.
I lost my head with boyfriend sooo many times. I used to feel really guilty about the way I behaved too. But as soon as I felt grounded, forgave myself for being human, and recognized that he was as much a part of the problem, everything eased up. Now I'm glad I flipped out all those times because through all that drama I learned that I'm the source of my happiness. Not him. Realizing this was huge. I'd always made my boyfriends the be all and end all. But now I see that my partner is there to have a mutually loving and supporting relationship with.
If I need him to be a certain way, then actually I'm way too invested. I'm attaching my happiness to him.
I understand what you're saying about not making your partner your sole source of happiness or trying to force him to be exactly what you want him to be.
On the other hand, I don't think having the expectation that my partner is honest and responsible with alcohol is an unreasonable standard. But, I should realize that he is in fact not honest and responsible with alcohol, and then just decided to leave this in the past and move on with my life.
I've also envisioned my partner to be someone that I am emotionally invested in and someone who is emotionally invested in me. I don't want this relationship where the good times are good, but then I'm supposed to just look away and ignore his poor behavior until he returns to being the person I love. How can you build a true partnership like that? It just doesn't feel healthy to me. Everyone messes up, but I feel you're allowed to express your feelings in a relationship and if you're just accepting poor behavior, that is no way to live.
I think the problem is that every time we talk, I get this new sense of hope and then if anything negative and unexpected happens, it shatters it and I just feel devastated. And then I don't know what's real and what's a lie. It's the worst pain I've ever felt.
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Your post brought me back to a time when I was still engaged to my ex-fiance. We were supposed to be wedding-related tasks, but he had a laundry list of tasks he had to do, so of course he didn't do it. And the laundry list happened because he had spent much of his free time hanging out with a mutual acquaintance of ours. He spent three hours getting his hair cut. Who the hell spends three hours getting their hair cut? So I seriously lost my ****.
I don't remember what I said, but I'm sure it was inarticulate. I'm sure that any bystander off the street would have thought I had seriously lost my marbles and he was the sane one. What they wouldn't have known was that he was a guy who told me I was too dumb to know that he had kissed another woman, and smiled as he said it. They wouldn't have known that I suspected that something was going on between him and the mutual acquaintance, and that I was also too scared to say it out loud. They wouldn't have known that I suspected that he wanted to call the whole thing off, but was too scared to do so.
I'm sure that my reaction was currency in his head, proof that I was emotionally unstable and off my rocker, so when he broke off our engagement over the phone a week later he felt perfectly justified in doing so without feeling like a jerk.
I am not proud of the way I acted that day. Not at all. But sometimes people push us over the edge so they have an excuse when they do something extremely crappy but they don't want to be grown up about it. Why did your ex lie about his previous behavior? Probably because he was ashamed of what he did, but instead of using that shame to propel him to become a better person, he used that shame to drive himself even deeper into a world of denial.
So what does that have to do with you? Honestly, I think no contact is going to be your friend. He certainly doesn't seem acting like a friend to begin with with this hot/cold behavior. By all means mourn the friendship and the relationship that you once had, but if you want to move forward you need to look ahead, not back, while using your experience to help you determine your next steps.
I don't remember what I said, but I'm sure it was inarticulate. I'm sure that any bystander off the street would have thought I had seriously lost my marbles and he was the sane one. What they wouldn't have known was that he was a guy who told me I was too dumb to know that he had kissed another woman, and smiled as he said it. They wouldn't have known that I suspected that something was going on between him and the mutual acquaintance, and that I was also too scared to say it out loud. They wouldn't have known that I suspected that he wanted to call the whole thing off, but was too scared to do so.
I'm sure that my reaction was currency in his head, proof that I was emotionally unstable and off my rocker, so when he broke off our engagement over the phone a week later he felt perfectly justified in doing so without feeling like a jerk.
I am not proud of the way I acted that day. Not at all. But sometimes people push us over the edge so they have an excuse when they do something extremely crappy but they don't want to be grown up about it. Why did your ex lie about his previous behavior? Probably because he was ashamed of what he did, but instead of using that shame to propel him to become a better person, he used that shame to drive himself even deeper into a world of denial.
So what does that have to do with you? Honestly, I think no contact is going to be your friend. He certainly doesn't seem acting like a friend to begin with with this hot/cold behavior. By all means mourn the friendship and the relationship that you once had, but if you want to move forward you need to look ahead, not back, while using your experience to help you determine your next steps.
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Originally Posted by 2018LizAnon
Until I really feel like he truly is reaching out to prove to me through concrete actions that he is trying to be more responsible and rebuild the broken trust, I think the same cyclical thing will keep happening, which is making me physically and mentally ill.
Time away from the madness has probably helped you to see this quite clearly while when you are right in it sometimes it's hard because you are so busy coping with it all.
As is said often around here - actions not words. He can say he is sorry (and maybe he truly is) but as you are saying unless he is proving that with actions as in making actual amends, does it matter?
His intent may be stellar, but carrying through on it is where the rubber meets the road.
And yes, it is madness and it is a terrible thing to be caught up in and it does hurt you, I can see you realize this and hope you will take steps to protect yourself (at the very least detach emotionally).
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and he told me he was seeing a counselor for drinking, that things were different, blah blah blah, and we talked about maybe meeting up in February to see each other.
But I'm sure you know that.
Bottom line is, he doesn't seem to have changed one bit so if you do decide to jump back in, it will be more of the same. It's tough because that hot cold intermittent reward thing does work (see the link above I posted for Amusic).
It's trauma bonding and it sucks.
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 330
Originally Posted by 2018LizAnon
I don't want this relationship where the good times are good, but then I'm supposed to just look away and ignore his poor behavior until he returns to being the person I love.
I wasn't suggesting to ignore his poor behaviour. I wasn't suggesting for you to accept dishonesty or any of that.
I'm not sure how you got that from my post?
I think you misunderstood what I was getting at.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 108
Originally Posted by Surfbee
You've been on and off for a long time, so this probably isn't the end yet since there's obvious strong feelings there, no matter how convuluted things have become... I'd just try to relax and remember that everything is unfolding the way it is meant to and if after getting grounded you're still sure in your gut that he's more bad for you than good, then you'll let him go.
In terms of dealing with triggers that would typically cause me to flip or be defensive. I remind myself that I respect myself too much to give away my valuable energy. I really like JADE.
JADE - never feel obligated to Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain.
I like shellcrusher's advice too:
Does something need to be said?
Does something need to be said by me?
Does something need to be said right now?
Please forgive yourself. If he cares enough you'll hear from him anyway. X
I guess I misinterpreted what was said above? Because I felt in my situation that yes, something did need to be said. And yes, it had to be said by me. No, it probably didn't have to be said at that moment, but eventually, yes, it needed to be said.
I don't feel like I was entirely unjustified in how I felt after the situation that happened at the conference. I do feel like I need my boyfriend to be honest and responsible, but I don't feel like that's a bad thing.
I guess my guilt came not from the fact that I responded to the situation, but the way that I responded, in that I sort of became the crazy, texting him throughout the night, which I know is wrong, and is not how I would usually act.
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Posts: 108
Originally Posted by trailmix
Oh and when he didn't text you back last night, he was probably drinking? Notice that he said he is "seeing a counselor" and that "things were different" - never said he isn't drinking.
But I'm sure you know that.
Bottom line is, he doesn't seem to have changed one bit so if you do decide to jump back in, it will be more of the same. It's tough because that hot cold intermittent reward thing does work (see the link above I posted for Amusic).
It's trauma bonding and it sucks.
But I'm sure you know that.
Bottom line is, he doesn't seem to have changed one bit so if you do decide to jump back in, it will be more of the same. It's tough because that hot cold intermittent reward thing does work (see the link above I posted for Amusic).
It's trauma bonding and it sucks.
Yes, he is still drinking. He admits that he is not sober, but that he is not drinking at home, is being responsible, etc. I guess I for some insane reason still believe that he is not dependent on alcohol per se, but just was immature and irresponsible with his use of alcohol while we were together, and that counseling will fix that problem. He is doing very well in his career, which takes a lot of time and mental energy. This leads me to believe that he really can't be wasting too much time getting drunk, and also hasn't seemed to have burned any bridges at work yet. I know that this logic is flawed. I know that he can compartmentalize extraordinarily well. He was able to drink to the point of being incoherent and wake up early the next morning like nothing happened (no obvious hangovers). He has gained weight though and his face looks puffy.
It's definitely possible that he was drinking last night. I don't know. I hate that I'm worried about it and even wasting my time thinking about him. But then I also hate when we break up too. It's painful when we don't talk and it's painful when we do.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Ah yes, the dream of every alcoholic - to become a "moderate", normal drinker.
I don't know if you have read any of the Alcoholism threads but this is one of the latest from someone who also thinks they can become a moderate drinker:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...sial-post.html (A controversial post)
These threads pop up regularly and inevitably the person comes back to say hey - well that was a pipe dream.
I'm just glad they made it back.
My Father was an alcoholic. He drank all his life, never had any kind of recovery, never tried that I am aware of. He also worked his entire life at a very demanding job both physically and mentally (supervisor on off-shore oil rigs in the South China Sea). That's long hours and a dry job, no alcohol permitted on those rigs. But he did it.
So can alcoholics perform in their work, absolutely. In fact I've read that most alcoholics usually have one area in their life where they focus their energy and mental capabilities. That one area that proves they are functioning, I imagine that is work in many cases.
Therein lies the rub of the relationship with the alcoholic, in many cases. There is only one way out of that and you already know what that is. Love is not supposed to be painful. Imagine if you had a relationship with a guy and your biggest challenge this week was if you should go see a concert or go to a pub for dinner. Imagine if he called you to say good night. Sent you a funny text during the day. Imagine if you knew he had your back and was there for you. That's the relationship that may well be waiting around the corner for you.
If you are going to stay in this relationship with him then you are going to have to learn to cope with all this come here go away, stuff. The only way to do that is to accept him just the way he is and detach from him in many ways, you have to protect yourself, you can't just leave yourself vulnerable to him?
I don't know if you have read any of the Alcoholism threads but this is one of the latest from someone who also thinks they can become a moderate drinker:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...sial-post.html (A controversial post)
These threads pop up regularly and inevitably the person comes back to say hey - well that was a pipe dream.
I'm just glad they made it back.
My Father was an alcoholic. He drank all his life, never had any kind of recovery, never tried that I am aware of. He also worked his entire life at a very demanding job both physically and mentally (supervisor on off-shore oil rigs in the South China Sea). That's long hours and a dry job, no alcohol permitted on those rigs. But he did it.
So can alcoholics perform in their work, absolutely. In fact I've read that most alcoholics usually have one area in their life where they focus their energy and mental capabilities. That one area that proves they are functioning, I imagine that is work in many cases.
It's painful when we don't talk and it's painful when we do.
If you are going to stay in this relationship with him then you are going to have to learn to cope with all this come here go away, stuff. The only way to do that is to accept him just the way he is and detach from him in many ways, you have to protect yourself, you can't just leave yourself vulnerable to him?
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
I just wanted to reply to your statement about your boyfriend doing very well in his career. Not to say what you are seeing isn't true, but just to put it out there that many alcoholics excel in their jobs while still drinking heavily.
I have absolutely no idea how they do it. I mean, there is a reason people get DUI's. They swerve all over, cant keep their speed, and their reaction times are nowhere where they need to be to drive a car safely. Yet on the job, they can think quickly, make big decisions well, and make it look like they are at the top of their game.
But at home they are a vegetable on the couch, they stay out until all hours of the night, they dont keep their promises, they mess up the bank accounts...you get the picture.
My husband drank for 40 years. He quit a year ago. When he was working, he was promoted many times, he even created a computer program for his employer to use to simplify inventory and ordering. They are still using that program years later.
When he did deck building side jobs, he could use Excel to make a detailed materials list and tell the customer, as an example.... how many handrail boards they needed, how many 2x4 boards they needed...right down to how many nails and packages of staples they needed. He could draw a simple plan on a piece of paper and build the entire deck just from that drawing and basic measurements. Drunk. Drinking 9-24 beers a night. And thats what I knew of. It could have been more.
And you know what? My RAH has been sober just over a year. It takes him hours to use Excel to make that same materials list, he cant remember the conversation we had the day before that I was upset over, his thinking and decision making skills are slow, and he cant concentrate on anything.
Im just saying your boyfriend may be drinking a lot more than you know. Alcoholics are masters at keeping how much they drink a secret, to protect their ability to drink. It all really sucks, you are the one to suffer and be hurt, and it shouldn't be that way. I just want you to maybe keep an open mind so you have all the facts to make any decisions you want to make. Hugs!!!
I have absolutely no idea how they do it. I mean, there is a reason people get DUI's. They swerve all over, cant keep their speed, and their reaction times are nowhere where they need to be to drive a car safely. Yet on the job, they can think quickly, make big decisions well, and make it look like they are at the top of their game.
But at home they are a vegetable on the couch, they stay out until all hours of the night, they dont keep their promises, they mess up the bank accounts...you get the picture.
My husband drank for 40 years. He quit a year ago. When he was working, he was promoted many times, he even created a computer program for his employer to use to simplify inventory and ordering. They are still using that program years later.
When he did deck building side jobs, he could use Excel to make a detailed materials list and tell the customer, as an example.... how many handrail boards they needed, how many 2x4 boards they needed...right down to how many nails and packages of staples they needed. He could draw a simple plan on a piece of paper and build the entire deck just from that drawing and basic measurements. Drunk. Drinking 9-24 beers a night. And thats what I knew of. It could have been more.
And you know what? My RAH has been sober just over a year. It takes him hours to use Excel to make that same materials list, he cant remember the conversation we had the day before that I was upset over, his thinking and decision making skills are slow, and he cant concentrate on anything.
Im just saying your boyfriend may be drinking a lot more than you know. Alcoholics are masters at keeping how much they drink a secret, to protect their ability to drink. It all really sucks, you are the one to suffer and be hurt, and it shouldn't be that way. I just want you to maybe keep an open mind so you have all the facts to make any decisions you want to make. Hugs!!!
Originally Posted by 2018LizAnon
Hi Trailmix,
Yes, he is still drinking. He admits that he is not sober, but that he is not drinking at home, is being responsible, etc. I guess I for some insane reason still believe that he is not dependent on alcohol per se, but just was immature and irresponsible with his use of alcohol while we were together, and that counseling will fix that problem. He is doing very well in his career, which takes a lot of time and mental energy. This leads me to believe that he really can't be wasting too much time getting drunk, and also hasn't seemed to have burned any bridges at work yet. I know that this logic is flawed. I know that he can compartmentalize extraordinarily well. He was able to drink to the point of being incoherent and wake up early the next morning like nothing happened (no obvious hangovers). He has gained weight though and his face looks puffy.
It's definitely possible that he was drinking last night. I don't know. I hate that I'm worried about it and even wasting my time thinking about him. But then I also hate when we break up too. It's painful when we don't talk and it's painful when we do.
Yes, he is still drinking. He admits that he is not sober, but that he is not drinking at home, is being responsible, etc. I guess I for some insane reason still believe that he is not dependent on alcohol per se, but just was immature and irresponsible with his use of alcohol while we were together, and that counseling will fix that problem. He is doing very well in his career, which takes a lot of time and mental energy. This leads me to believe that he really can't be wasting too much time getting drunk, and also hasn't seemed to have burned any bridges at work yet. I know that this logic is flawed. I know that he can compartmentalize extraordinarily well. He was able to drink to the point of being incoherent and wake up early the next morning like nothing happened (no obvious hangovers). He has gained weight though and his face looks puffy.
It's definitely possible that he was drinking last night. I don't know. I hate that I'm worried about it and even wasting my time thinking about him. But then I also hate when we break up too. It's painful when we don't talk and it's painful when we do.
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