What is wrong with me?
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
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Hi, LizAnon.
I think that when we make a connection with another person, we invest an awful lot into that connection.
It isn't just the person, it's the life that we envision with that person.
Powerful stuff, and tough at times to unhook from.
It sounds like your SO just isn't present for you when you want him to be.
He drinks, he flirts, he lies.
These, for me, are deal breakers.
But that's me.
Good thoughts headed your way.
I think that when we make a connection with another person, we invest an awful lot into that connection.
It isn't just the person, it's the life that we envision with that person.
Powerful stuff, and tough at times to unhook from.
It sounds like your SO just isn't present for you when you want him to be.
He drinks, he flirts, he lies.
These, for me, are deal breakers.
But that's me.
Good thoughts headed your way.
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 108
Originally Posted by trailmix 
Therein lies the rub of the relationship with the alcoholic, in many cases. There is only one way out of that and you already know what that is. Love is not supposed to be painful. Imagine if you had a relationship with a guy and your biggest challenge this week was if you should go see a concert or go to a pub for dinner. Imagine if he called you to say good night. Sent you a funny text during the day. Imagine if you knew he had your back and was there for you. That's the relationship that may well be waiting around the corner for you.
If you are going to stay in this relationship with him then you are going to have to learn to cope with all this come here go away, stuff. The only way to do that is to accept him just the way he is and detach from him in many ways, you have to protect yourself, you can't just leave yourself vulnerable to him?
Then, this incident happened at the conference and I really freaked out. He was upset and I was upset. Then I felt guilty and apologized. Then we spoke on the phone on Thursday and he told me he understood how I felt, he was sorry he put me in that position, that it was good that we talked, etc. He texted me goodnight and other nice things. Then Friday he was at work late (I know this is true) and seemed very stressed, but still texted goodnight. Then Saturday, I texted him in the evening to see how his day was, he texted a short response, and I asked if he was ok. He didn't respond, so yesterday later in the morning I texted him again to see if he was ok, and then he responded like 5 hours later to say that he was just trying to stay away from his computer and phone for a while and "recharge", but asked how my day was. But I also know that he was on social media posting, etc. during this time, so it seemed like he just didn't want to talk to me, which is fine, but just say that then. I responded and now he hasn't responded at all.
I feel like a psycho for even caring about this so much. I not in control of him; if he wants to spend time away from his phone or computer or not talk to me, who cares? It's just that it seems like an abrupt change in behavior from Thursday/Friday night to Saturday/yesterday with a sort of shady explanation. Like if he's upset about the situation this week, I understand, but be honest with me. But it almost feels like he's trying to keep me on edge or punish me for the incident this week. Am I being completely irrational in thinking this?
Everyone has a right to their own time and space, and at least he told me that that's why he wasn't communicating as often, so maybe I'm just reading way too much into this. I think it just circles back to trust again. Like I just can't take him at his word and always think that something more sinister is happening.
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Join Date: May 2010
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Listen to your gut...the universe is saving you, and I know you cannot see it clearly now. I have been where you are...questioning my own sanity...
Read the posts here, and breathe, and leave him be. Save yourself the heartache that is guaranteed to continue in this scenario.
I know that you will not be done until you are done, but read the stories of others here who have walked your path...bought the house, had the kids, kept the dream of potential alive because of that moment that felt so good in the beginning.
The heartbreak they experience living this life is indescribable. You can walk away, or you can stay until you've had enough.
I guarantee you are not crazy, but being with an active alcoholic will convince you that you are.
Read the posts here, and breathe, and leave him be. Save yourself the heartache that is guaranteed to continue in this scenario.
I know that you will not be done until you are done, but read the stories of others here who have walked your path...bought the house, had the kids, kept the dream of potential alive because of that moment that felt so good in the beginning.
The heartbreak they experience living this life is indescribable. You can walk away, or you can stay until you've had enough.
I guarantee you are not crazy, but being with an active alcoholic will convince you that you are.
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Join Date: Jul 2018
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Originally Posted by seekingcalm
Listen to your gut...the universe is saving you, and I know you cannot see it clearly now. I have been where you are...questioning my own sanity...
Read the posts here, and breathe, and leave him be. Save yourself the heartache that is guaranteed to continue in this scenario.
I know that you will not be done until you are done, but read the stories of others here who have walked your path...bought the house, had the kids, kept the dream of potential alive because of that moment that felt so good in the beginning.
The heartbreak they experience living this life is indescribable. You can walk away, or you can stay until you've had enough.
I guarantee you are not crazy, but being with an active alcoholic will convince you that you are.
Read the posts here, and breathe, and leave him be. Save yourself the heartache that is guaranteed to continue in this scenario.
I know that you will not be done until you are done, but read the stories of others here who have walked your path...bought the house, had the kids, kept the dream of potential alive because of that moment that felt so good in the beginning.
The heartbreak they experience living this life is indescribable. You can walk away, or you can stay until you've had enough.
I guarantee you are not crazy, but being with an active alcoholic will convince you that you are.
He cannot put our relationship above his own desires, which is usually alcohol. On top of that, he cannot be completely honest (this is the most maddening thing). And on top of that, he will not take the measures necessary to change. The hard part is that I truly believe he does love me and his intention is not to hurt me, it's just that he is incapable of putting other's needs above his own instant gratification, even if his actions are hurting other people, and even if those other people are people he loves.
My feeling is that if you love someone and you are doing something that is causing them harm, would you not do everything in your power to stop the behavior, make amends, and work everyday to prove that it will not happen again? Especially if this behavior has caused you do things that put your character in question, negatively impacted your mental and physical health, and strained other relationships? I cannot understand it, but that is the way it is. And I feel that even after this 6 month break, and even after hearing him say all the right things, nothing has changed.
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Join Date: May 2010
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Of course you cannot understand his behavior...how can any of us understand the self-destructive actions of the active alcoholic?
He has a disease, that's why he lies, it is a part of the disease. I remember saying to my alcoholic boyfriend years ago...why must you lie about drinking? If you are going to drink, at least be honest...I had no idea how illogical I was being; I didn't understand at that moment just how the disease works. I found SR, and I read, and I learned. I learned that active alcoholics are not able to be honest, with themselves or with anyone else.
This man cannot love you the way you deserve to be loved because he doesn't love himself. None of them do.
Love yourself enough to leave him be.
You will find someone wonderful to share your life with.
He has a disease, that's why he lies, it is a part of the disease. I remember saying to my alcoholic boyfriend years ago...why must you lie about drinking? If you are going to drink, at least be honest...I had no idea how illogical I was being; I didn't understand at that moment just how the disease works. I found SR, and I read, and I learned. I learned that active alcoholics are not able to be honest, with themselves or with anyone else.
This man cannot love you the way you deserve to be loved because he doesn't love himself. None of them do.
Love yourself enough to leave him be.
You will find someone wonderful to share your life with.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,609
But it almost feels like he's trying to keep me on edge or punish me for the incident this week. Am I being completely irrational in thinking this?
I don't know why he is distancing himself, could just be that he can't handle those emotions so he's drinking. Could be he is just mucking around on the computer for the same reason, so he doesn't have to deal with anything.
For many, alcohol is entertainment, emotion killer, great saviour from stress, etc etc - the ultimate coping tool. Alcoholics are not known for being emotionally available.
The hard part is that I truly believe he does love me and his intention is not to hurt me, it's just that he is incapable of putting other's needs above his own instant gratification, even if his actions are hurting other people, and even if those other people are people he loves.
My feeling is that if you love someone and you are doing something that is causing them harm, would you not do everything in your power to stop the behavior, make amends, and work everyday to prove that it will not happen again?
- Alcohol
- Themselves
- Work
- Everything else
Now that doesn't mean that every addict or every person can actually take care of all that - items 2 and 3 might be falling by the wayside because the first item on the list is in charge here.
So yes, your logic is sound. He may well love you and not want to hurt you, but you are not alcohol and that is his number one priority.
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Join Date: Jul 2018
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You are totally correct, Trailmix. My definition of a relationship is so completely different than my ex's.
My parents said something to me yesterday about how this situation has nothing to do with me, and they're absolutely right. When I think about it that way, it becomes so clear that it just has to be completely over for good. My ex's behavior is not a reflection of who I am as a person or what I deserve. It only reflects who he is; it's all on him. I don't have the ability to make him the partner I want, but I do have the ability and really the responsibility to myself to stand up and walk away. It's like literally anything else I could do with my time would be more productive than dwelling on his feelings and this relationship that has already been 6 feet under for months. So the only thing to do is to walk way completely, no hard feelings, no trying to rationalize, no obsessing over the way I've acted or the way he acted. It's done.
It's an empowering way to look at things. I'm in the driver's seat in my own life. I owe it to myself to make better choices for myself, get away from things that are harming me, and go out and find things that are positive. You have to get rid what's dead and rotting to make room for the new and healthy. It's scary, but also feels so damn good.
My parents said something to me yesterday about how this situation has nothing to do with me, and they're absolutely right. When I think about it that way, it becomes so clear that it just has to be completely over for good. My ex's behavior is not a reflection of who I am as a person or what I deserve. It only reflects who he is; it's all on him. I don't have the ability to make him the partner I want, but I do have the ability and really the responsibility to myself to stand up and walk away. It's like literally anything else I could do with my time would be more productive than dwelling on his feelings and this relationship that has already been 6 feet under for months. So the only thing to do is to walk way completely, no hard feelings, no trying to rationalize, no obsessing over the way I've acted or the way he acted. It's done.
It's an empowering way to look at things. I'm in the driver's seat in my own life. I owe it to myself to make better choices for myself, get away from things that are harming me, and go out and find things that are positive. You have to get rid what's dead and rotting to make room for the new and healthy. It's scary, but also feels so damn good.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Your parents are very wise. No, it's not you.
Another good exercise at this point is to make a list of all the things that are wrong in this relationship - an actual hard copy list or a list on your phone and every time you start to ruminate about "the good times" pull that list out and review it.
Like anything, after a week or so the anger fades a bit and the bad stuff starts to fade and you can start to feel bad about the whole thing, refer to that list 20 times a day if necessary to keep that uppermost in your mind.
I think it's a good idea to be specific too, so for instance:
Instead of:
He is rude (although it's worth putting that on the list as well) you might want to write:
When we went out to dinner with friends he made fun of my room mate's story and insulted the waiter
Another good exercise at this point is to make a list of all the things that are wrong in this relationship - an actual hard copy list or a list on your phone and every time you start to ruminate about "the good times" pull that list out and review it.
Like anything, after a week or so the anger fades a bit and the bad stuff starts to fade and you can start to feel bad about the whole thing, refer to that list 20 times a day if necessary to keep that uppermost in your mind.
I think it's a good idea to be specific too, so for instance:
Instead of:
He is rude (although it's worth putting that on the list as well) you might want to write:
When we went out to dinner with friends he made fun of my room mate's story and insulted the waiter
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Location: New York, NY
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Codependent craving for an alcoholic can be as strong as alcoholics craving booze; the obsession is similar. You can choose to stay stuck in a non-functioning relationship or try Alanon, which was a life-saver for me. The support is incredible and I learned I'm powerless over the alcoholic. Big hug.
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Join Date: Jul 2018
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
Codependent craving for an alcoholic can be as strong as alcoholics craving booze; the obsession is similar. You can choose to stay stuck in a non-functioning relationship or try Alanon, which was a life-saver for me. The support is incredible and I learned I'm powerless over the alcoholic. Big hug.
But then I can also stack up a list of so many incidents where I very clearly stated what my boundary was and he knowingly crossed it and then would blame something or someone else for his actions. I feel this incredible guilt that I didn’t recognize this for what it was and instead it got to this point where I’d lash out at him and look crazy. (And I’d never even say anything THAT bad, just statements about how abhorrent his behavior was, how I felt betrayed, etc.). At one moment I feel so much conviction in my anger and disappointment, but as soon as that moment is over I’m crucifying myself for the things I said and essentially pleading with him to forgive me. And then I know deep down when I do that, that I’m betraying the subconscious response that is activated in self-defense. And after many iterations of this same scenario, you no longer trust yourself and your own feelings. And I would think, I’m inherently flawed, I should be lucky that this guy is taking me back, no one else would put up me. And this logic was reinforced by my ex telling me that I’d never be able to find someone who would make me happy, that I have impossible standards, etc. And I really believed that.
It’s so strange because I just had a situation with a friend who was overstepping boundaries, and I had no problem enforcing the boundaries and firmly saying basically, “if you want to be friends with me you will respect this boundary and if that’s not ok with you, then we’re not going to be friends.” But I think I could do that because I had less stake in the game.
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Less stake in the game or no one messing up your mind with constant blame shifting and accusing you.
I'm going to guess that sometimes sunshine and rainbows shine from you, YOU are the greatest girlfriend ever, beautiful, understanding and kind!
Then you are mean, blaming, critical and a tad bonkers.
Well, which is it? The truth is you are whomever you are and his warped perception of you based on his mindset of the day is pretty irrelevant, because he is an addict and addictive thinking is not clear thinking.
As for his past, he clearly didn't want you to know about that. He's probably ashamed of what a womanizer he was. He could have told you all about it but he does not want to because he thinks (rightly or wrongly) that it puts him in a bad light.
You are expecting reasonable behaviour from an active addict. That is not possible.
I'm going to guess that sometimes sunshine and rainbows shine from you, YOU are the greatest girlfriend ever, beautiful, understanding and kind!
Then you are mean, blaming, critical and a tad bonkers.
Well, which is it? The truth is you are whomever you are and his warped perception of you based on his mindset of the day is pretty irrelevant, because he is an addict and addictive thinking is not clear thinking.
As for his past, he clearly didn't want you to know about that. He's probably ashamed of what a womanizer he was. He could have told you all about it but he does not want to because he thinks (rightly or wrongly) that it puts him in a bad light.
You are expecting reasonable behaviour from an active addict. That is not possible.
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You said, "I don't have the ability to make him the partner I want, but I do have the ability and really the responsibility to myself to stand up and walk away. "
I hope you meant this and I hope you RUN, not walk, away from this toxic relationship.
I hope you meant this and I hope you RUN, not walk, away from this toxic relationship.
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Just want to thank everyone here for their responses. This forum is so supportive and helpful. It's hard to talk about these things with friends and family, who, however well-intentioned, can't really grasp the situation.
I've decided that I'm done for good and it feels different than it has in the past. I'm not really sad. Maybe a bit lonely, but it's worth being lonely for a while. I no longer have any hope or even any desire to see or hear from him even if he does truly get help. He's burned his last bridge. Maybe he feels the same way towards me-so much the better. I'm done with the manipulation and lies. I'm done rationalizing and denying, and taking responsibility for his $hitty behavior. There has to be something better out there.
Thank you all for helping me realize this
I've decided that I'm done for good and it feels different than it has in the past. I'm not really sad. Maybe a bit lonely, but it's worth being lonely for a while. I no longer have any hope or even any desire to see or hear from him even if he does truly get help. He's burned his last bridge. Maybe he feels the same way towards me-so much the better. I'm done with the manipulation and lies. I'm done rationalizing and denying, and taking responsibility for his $hitty behavior. There has to be something better out there.
Thank you all for helping me realize this
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 319
That in between limbo place can feel pretty crappy. Hang in there, and like you said, literally anything you do right now would be better and more productive than focusing on him and his feelings. Picking apart your split ends would be an excellent activity instead, at this point. :/
I saw this today. A good reminder that sometimes the best course of action in certain situations or at certain times, instead of the mental gymnastics, is to just leave things alone:
I saw this today. A good reminder that sometimes the best course of action in certain situations or at certain times, instead of the mental gymnastics, is to just leave things alone:
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Originally Posted by 2018LizAnon
I'm done with the manipulation and lies. I'm done rationalizing and denying, and taking responsibility for his $hitty behavior. There has to be something better out there.
That alone is a huge red flag. That is the type of thing that sets things off balance. In a normal relationship, although both parties might take a few hours or a day to cool off, there is discussion and resolution (even if the parties still disagree, you can agree to disagree). When a relationship is new, these are not actions you tend to see because these "larger" disagreements don't really happen initially and if they did it would probably mean the new partner walking away.
By the time you are dealing with this stuff, you are well in to the relationship. I suppose that's another good reason to really look at what someone is telling you in the beginning and what that means.
I remember fairly early on in a dysfunctional relationship I was in, he over-reacted to something (in my opinion) on a huge scale (raised voice, anger) and I said, half meaning it - is this how you will deal with bigger issues going forward? He was insulted. Well, you know how this goes - yes, that is how he dealt with bigger things going forward.
Having someone back off from all conflict is not good for you. It causes emotional pain for you and I'm glad you are moving away from that.
I hope that you are starting to feel stronger and that as the days have passed you are feeling clearer and hopefully more contented. It can be lonely. Keep posting, no need to be lonely.
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Yeah, I apologized several times for my reaction to what I heard at the conference, admitted that I didn’t handle the situation in the most rational way. His first response was that he was “beyond disappointed” and that he’s sorry that I’m upset about something that happened before we got together, and that he did a lot of irresponsible things and doesn’t want to relive them. Yet, he doesn’t really understand that the issue is the lying. And that the irresponsible behavior with alcohol and the lying is not a thing of the past; it continued throughout the entire relationship and after we broke up and is likely still a major issue. If he had been responsible and trustworthy otherwise during the relationship, this one thing would probably have been a short discussion and not a major issue.
Anyways, we also had a very rational and civil discussion the next day, and agreed that it was good to talk things out and that it was a productive conversation, etc. Then 3 days later, he sent a text where everything seemed fine, and I responded, and then he just ghosted.
It’s not the first time this has happened. Last January, we had a discussion about how poorly he treated my family and friends and he tells me that “I live in a fairytale world where everyone has to be friendly” and “he’s not going to pretend to be interested in conversation if he’s not”. When I say that being rude to my family and friends in unacceptable, he tells me that he doesn’t want to have any contact because “he’ll never be able to satisfy me and he needs to accept that”. But then he contacts me 2 weeks later while I’m on vacation in Hawaii with my family, and I’m confused and angry. And then when I react, he just stops responding altogether.
Then two months later he’s back in town to visit a friend. He texts me to let me know that he’s going to be in town but doesn’t expect a response, so I don’t respond. When he visits he sees me having a fun with my friends and I don’t acknowledge him. Then he texts me saying he wants to meet the next day, so I agreed (so dumb) and he’s crying and telling me how much he misses me, how sorry he is, asking about my family who now all of a sudden he cares so much about. And then a month later the same thing happens. Good lord, how could I be so stupid???
Sorry for the venting. I’m just realizing more and more each day how he didn’t really care about me or my feelings at all. I was just someone who would support him and stroke his ego, until I didn’t, and then he would discard me.
Anyways, we also had a very rational and civil discussion the next day, and agreed that it was good to talk things out and that it was a productive conversation, etc. Then 3 days later, he sent a text where everything seemed fine, and I responded, and then he just ghosted.
It’s not the first time this has happened. Last January, we had a discussion about how poorly he treated my family and friends and he tells me that “I live in a fairytale world where everyone has to be friendly” and “he’s not going to pretend to be interested in conversation if he’s not”. When I say that being rude to my family and friends in unacceptable, he tells me that he doesn’t want to have any contact because “he’ll never be able to satisfy me and he needs to accept that”. But then he contacts me 2 weeks later while I’m on vacation in Hawaii with my family, and I’m confused and angry. And then when I react, he just stops responding altogether.
Then two months later he’s back in town to visit a friend. He texts me to let me know that he’s going to be in town but doesn’t expect a response, so I don’t respond. When he visits he sees me having a fun with my friends and I don’t acknowledge him. Then he texts me saying he wants to meet the next day, so I agreed (so dumb) and he’s crying and telling me how much he misses me, how sorry he is, asking about my family who now all of a sudden he cares so much about. And then a month later the same thing happens. Good lord, how could I be so stupid???
Sorry for the venting. I’m just realizing more and more each day how he didn’t really care about me or my feelings at all. I was just someone who would support him and stroke his ego, until I didn’t, and then he would discard me.
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Originally Posted by 2018LizAnon
Anyways, we also had a very rational and civil discussion the next day, and agreed that it was good to talk things out and that it was a productive conversation, etc. Then 3 days later, he sent a text where everything seemed fine, and I responded, and then he just ghosted.
It’s not the first time this has happened. Last January, we had a discussion about how poorly he treated my family and friends and he tells me that “I live in a fairytale world where everyone has to be friendly” and “he’s not going to pretend to be interested in conversation if he’s not”.
It’s not the first time this has happened. Last January, we had a discussion about how poorly he treated my family and friends and he tells me that “I live in a fairytale world where everyone has to be friendly” and “he’s not going to pretend to be interested in conversation if he’s not”.
But that's not the case here anyway, he is not a kid he is a grown man and you do not live in a "fairy-tale" world - that's HIS world, where people just do what they want when they want and screw the rest of you.
And your civil discussion the other night probably made perfect sense to him at the time. But alcoholics are not known for being rational for any length of time. A few drinks later and it's not rational at all. Why is she giving me such a hard time about my past, I'm not that bad, of course I lied, it's not even her business.
Justifying.
Sorry for the venting. I’m just realizing more and more each day how he didn’t really care about me or my feelings at all. I was just someone who would support him and stroke his ego, until I didn’t, and then he would discard me.
It may well be that he does care about you and probably doesn't want to hurt you but he is not in control, alcohol is in control. His thinking is warped, he is not thinking logically, as you well know. You can't continue to walk on eggshells and that's a good thing.
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So I’m not sure if this will be helpful for you in your situation, or if this will be relatable to you at all, but I observed something recently and thought I’d share just in case.
I have a friend who is involved with someone who struggles with addiction. Not alcohol in this case, but opioids/ heroin. He’s the victim/ boy who cried waif type, where she ends up feeling sorry for him; his past and his general situation. Yet he ends up getting money out of her, and whatever consequences she suffers as a result of being involved with him, somehow all seem to end up on her. A history of some rather severe ones, actually. All the while, she’s bending over backwards trying to understand him and where he’s coming from, constantly forgiving even major transgressions.
Yet the other week, when she had a strong reaction to something he did, and maybe lashed out a little over the top (which honestly a complete cut off of contact is what I personally thought he deserved, and has deserved way before this incident), do you know what happened?
Allllll of a sudden he became clear and lucid, and set a boundary down with her about her behavior. Not that it’s healthy to get caught up in tit-for-tat bs, and that he can’t have boundaries..but I just found it interesting that supposedly he’s so impaired, and there’s always some excuse as to why he’s treating her badly or behaving the way he is; lying, left her hanging for extended periods of time and all of this other crap. Yet when it comes to him and his feelings, all of a sudden his impairment goes out the window and he’s all lucid, cuts her off for a while because now *his* boundaries are so important, when he’s trampled all over hers endlessly, really.
IDK, just an observation, that sometimes things just don’t add up with these double standards.
I have a friend who is involved with someone who struggles with addiction. Not alcohol in this case, but opioids/ heroin. He’s the victim/ boy who cried waif type, where she ends up feeling sorry for him; his past and his general situation. Yet he ends up getting money out of her, and whatever consequences she suffers as a result of being involved with him, somehow all seem to end up on her. A history of some rather severe ones, actually. All the while, she’s bending over backwards trying to understand him and where he’s coming from, constantly forgiving even major transgressions.
Yet the other week, when she had a strong reaction to something he did, and maybe lashed out a little over the top (which honestly a complete cut off of contact is what I personally thought he deserved, and has deserved way before this incident), do you know what happened?
Allllll of a sudden he became clear and lucid, and set a boundary down with her about her behavior. Not that it’s healthy to get caught up in tit-for-tat bs, and that he can’t have boundaries..but I just found it interesting that supposedly he’s so impaired, and there’s always some excuse as to why he’s treating her badly or behaving the way he is; lying, left her hanging for extended periods of time and all of this other crap. Yet when it comes to him and his feelings, all of a sudden his impairment goes out the window and he’s all lucid, cuts her off for a while because now *his* boundaries are so important, when he’s trampled all over hers endlessly, really.
IDK, just an observation, that sometimes things just don’t add up with these double standards.
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Thanks pdm22. What you describe sounds like a similar situation.
You feel like your boundaries have been crossed so many times to the point were something just snaps and you lash out. Then all of sudden you become the crazy, unhinged one and they draw a boundary. And that's probably for the best.
I take responsibility for my actions; he didn't make me do it. I shouldn't have texted him 50 times over the course of the night. It's really a moment to step back and say wait a minute, this is not a good situation at all. And why did I let it get to this point in the first place?
You feel like your boundaries have been crossed so many times to the point were something just snaps and you lash out. Then all of sudden you become the crazy, unhinged one and they draw a boundary. And that's probably for the best.
I take responsibility for my actions; he didn't make me do it. I shouldn't have texted him 50 times over the course of the night. It's really a moment to step back and say wait a minute, this is not a good situation at all. And why did I let it get to this point in the first place?
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