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Old 01-16-2019, 04:28 AM
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Long story short, AW called last night to talk to DS -- we've arranged that and most nights it happens. (recap: AW lives in a SoberLiving House).

DS was already in bed and asleep (his bedtime can vary between 8pm and 8:30pm).

She sounded upset so I asked "what's up?"

Cutting to the chase, she had a very stressful day running around down (on public transportation) trying to get a pre-employment matter taken care of for a job she really wants. She also had a "run in" with another woman in her SoberLiving House, etc. So, she drank. Says she didn't get drunk, but she drank and she knew she shouldn't have. Says she told her sponsor and the folks at the SoberLiving House.

Sooo... as consequence, AW was moved from less restrictive SoberLiving House A to more restrictive SoberLiving House B. Unfortunately, the woman with whom she'd had a run-in with at House A had ALSO been moved to House B. AW states that she is "afraid" of the other woman and didn't feel comfortable living in the same house with her.

I gather her option was: (a) stay in House B or (b) go wherever.

She chose "go wherever" -- and it appears she has some regrets about that. At the time she called me, she was with a friend from her AA meetings, but wasn't sure she could stay the night there. She floated the idea of staying in a shelter until she could get the SoberLiving House situation sorted out -- or even living on the streets.

I said, "I'm sorry all of that happened to you." That I thought it was a good thing that she'd come clean about drinking with her sponsor instead of lying and hiding it, etc. And encouraged her to get back on her program.

My "old self" would have then moved into action making sure AW had a roof over her head.

But, I didn't.

Not my circus, not my monkeys.

I love my wife . . . but it's like the kind of love I have for my children. At some point, my children have to stand up on their own two legs and figure out how to walk in life. I'm not in a position to bail my kids out of every jam (especially financially) they may get into.

After I graduated from college, I applied to several law schools. When I got accepted to my "first choice" law school, I was excited and called my dad. His first words were: "you know I can't help you with that."

Dad's words were hurtful then -- I wasn't calling to ask for money, Dad. I just literally opened the envelope and was so excited/happy I wanted to celebrate my accomplishment with you -- maybe hope you'd be proud of me.

In the long run, though, Dad was right. He couldn't help me with the financial costs of law school -- that I had to figure out on my own. So, student loans it was and I worked hard to repay all of them.

Over the years, Dad made me aware that he *was* proud that I'd done well in law school and had a decent career.

Which is sort of very close to how I feel about AW.

Whatever short-term "pain" you have right now, AW will be outweighed by the long-term gain as you figure out how to deal with the consequences of your decisions.

MCE Saint
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Old 01-16-2019, 06:52 AM
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Sorry to hear about the relapse.

You did an excellent job in your response, however

I hope it works out well and that this time the sobriety sticks--her admitting the drinking is promising in that sense.

It also seems she may have been fishing to get back home--what do you think?
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Old 01-16-2019, 08:23 AM
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Sounds like you have some boundaries in place, detaching with love and letting another adult take care of themselves.

Good for you man!
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Old 01-16-2019, 08:40 AM
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Hi MCESaint,

May you and your children have some peace today. It sounds like you're in a good place during a difficult time for your wife.

Your dad's words back when you shared your fabulous news were like throwing up a brick wall. As we each know better, we can do better. Part of my recovery is replaying moments like that in meditation and coming to it with a skill I have now. Kindness, firmness, hanging up a phone, walking away, whatever. It's been very therapeutic in transforming feelings.

Do you have plans for extra support for yourself this week? It's a great time to hit extra self-care, too.

Congratulations on keeping yourself and kid out of the chaos.
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Old 01-16-2019, 10:25 AM
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Good for you for not allowing yourself to get sucked into the drama. You've created a space for yourself where you can love from a distance. That's awesome! You're doing what's best for yourself and your kids (and even for your wife). With that said, I know from experience, that when a relapse happens it still hurts and is disappointing. So, big hug to you! It sounds pretty unfair that the woman she had a run in with still gets to live at the sober living and it's your wife that has to figure out where she is going to go. Either way, it's a problem she created for herself and she'll have to figure it out on her own. But kudos to her for being honest and for staying on the right path. That's encouraging. Be strong and continue to take care of yourself!xx
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Old 01-16-2019, 04:41 PM
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So are you considering divorce?

I am after 35 years. W turned A at age 40. She drinks and the monster is let out of the dungeon. I cant take it anymore. The lying. The hiding drinking (which i obviously know about).
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Old 01-16-2019, 05:56 PM
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In the long run, though, Dad was right. He couldn't help me with the financial costs of law school -- that I had to figure out on my own. So, student loans it was and I worked hard to repay all of them.

let's switch out some words as if we are talking about addiction not law school:

in the long run, thought, Dad was right. He couldn't help me with the financial/emotional/physical burden of my addiction - that i had to figure out ON MY OWN. so, rehab/recovery it was and i worked hard to pay my own way and get my own life under control.

we own what we earn. we earn what we want by owning it.
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Old 01-16-2019, 06:12 PM
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ack....THOUGH not thought.
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Old 01-16-2019, 10:09 PM
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MCESaint,
I remember your story from when I first came to SR several years ago. It sounds like you've made a lot of progress since then, but, wow, I wish you and your children peace. It must be so draining to have this saga go on and on, even though you've learned to manage what you can and maintain boundaries.
Take care--
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Old 01-17-2019, 09:41 AM
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How are you today?
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Old 01-19-2019, 06:54 PM
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I'm sorry about the relapse.

I don't know how you feel, but I know some boundaries are so difficult to keep. I hope that you are going easy on yourself. You have done good for you and your son and quite frankly for her too
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Old 01-21-2019, 06:47 AM
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I too am sorry she relapsed, but it's good that she owned it right away. And any short term pain she is going through now will produce long term gain....hopefully. That is up to her to figure out.

Excellent work!
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Old 01-28-2019, 12:39 PM
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So, MCE - what's the latest?
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Old 01-30-2019, 09:46 AM
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MCE and COD...you have both been on my mind and I hope you are both doing well and taking good care of yourselves ( I already know you take great care of your littles)!
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