Coping whats true and whats not so confused
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 3
Coping whats true and whats not so confused
I have lived with alcoholic for over 20 years. I'm not saying everything was his fault but I did a lot of things due to the actions he caused on me which is not acceptable either. We love each other and I enable him I'm sure. I cause a lot of his pain also, I know this to be true (affair). I had an affair no excuse for it, I justified it by saying cause he wasn't giving me what I needed. After he became sober he told me about all of his affairs, get back at him. So my husband was sober for 2 years and has started drinking again (my fault I told him about the affair not to hurt him just to have everything out in the open no lies in our relationship) worst thing could have did he started drinking about and has been for about year and half. Since August of 2018 we had nothing but volatile verbal fights -- has gotten worse every since. I realized the things I was doing wrong and have truly changed, my grandfather passed at beginning of Oct. since then I have become a whole different person. Example: I would be upset if I didn't get presents from my husband for Christmas this year-basically I told him I understood and we didn't have the money. He said wow that was the greatest gift I could have ever given him.--
Ok so now im lost I don't know what to do stay or go: I love him and could never imagine my life without him - he is a good man esp after seeing him sober.
He tells me he drinks because he is in pain-- I suggest he go find the help that he needs because I know what he use to be like.
So he smokes he will sit in the car all night long smoking and drinking --yesterday he waited till 8:30am to make sure I was awake for work the time I have to be there--he killed the battery in my car so I was 2 and half hours late. He went to bed while I waited on the tow truck- today he comes in 8:22am see if im awake. I blew up at him because he knew I got in trouble being late yesterday.
On my way to work I get --I CANT HANDLE HOW MUCH I FEEL JUDGED BY YOU --I DONT WANT TO BE IN THIS JUDGEMENT ZONE.
I responded back OK whatever, I want a husband that is present
He responded BYE-once you realize how great of a guy I am you will have lost me. Im not the horrible person who you fear. I cant take this anymore. U neglect e and just expect me to take it. You wont even touch me unless I mention it. I don't want you anymore--IM DONE.
I responded: I am a good person and have so much love to give to someone that wants to be in my life. You told me I was black hearted and evil, I only care if I get something out of it.
He responded I could take my abuse somewhere else he done with me --I have abused him for the last time--(my name capital letters) you are not getting away with the way you treat me.
I responded fine when you wake up to life you will see I am no longer that same person for the last 20 years
Sure get the gist of it all-- Am I wrong trying to hold on to something I know is wrong-- Am I really abusing him because I don't want to touch him while he is drinking-- I wont have relations with him.
I don't know how to walk away. Is he right even though he drinks I caused it-- by telling him of the affair when our life was going right.
Im so confused in life, I lost --I do deserve to be unhappy -- I scheduled us for marriage counseling but he didn't show up. I need to know what to say do, how to move on.
Ok so now im lost I don't know what to do stay or go: I love him and could never imagine my life without him - he is a good man esp after seeing him sober.
He tells me he drinks because he is in pain-- I suggest he go find the help that he needs because I know what he use to be like.
So he smokes he will sit in the car all night long smoking and drinking --yesterday he waited till 8:30am to make sure I was awake for work the time I have to be there--he killed the battery in my car so I was 2 and half hours late. He went to bed while I waited on the tow truck- today he comes in 8:22am see if im awake. I blew up at him because he knew I got in trouble being late yesterday.
On my way to work I get --I CANT HANDLE HOW MUCH I FEEL JUDGED BY YOU --I DONT WANT TO BE IN THIS JUDGEMENT ZONE.
I responded back OK whatever, I want a husband that is present
He responded BYE-once you realize how great of a guy I am you will have lost me. Im not the horrible person who you fear. I cant take this anymore. U neglect e and just expect me to take it. You wont even touch me unless I mention it. I don't want you anymore--IM DONE.
I responded: I am a good person and have so much love to give to someone that wants to be in my life. You told me I was black hearted and evil, I only care if I get something out of it.
He responded I could take my abuse somewhere else he done with me --I have abused him for the last time--(my name capital letters) you are not getting away with the way you treat me.
I responded fine when you wake up to life you will see I am no longer that same person for the last 20 years
Sure get the gist of it all-- Am I wrong trying to hold on to something I know is wrong-- Am I really abusing him because I don't want to touch him while he is drinking-- I wont have relations with him.
I don't know how to walk away. Is he right even though he drinks I caused it-- by telling him of the affair when our life was going right.
Im so confused in life, I lost --I do deserve to be unhappy -- I scheduled us for marriage counseling but he didn't show up. I need to know what to say do, how to move on.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
Well, there's something called the 3 C's.
You didn't Cause it.
You can't Control it.
You can't Cure it.
Personally, I don't believe anyone deserves to be abused.
I also used to wonder what I was supposed to say. It wasn't until I started going to Al-Anon, that I learned I didn't have to say anything. Wouldn't change anything anyway.
So I took care of myself, figured out how to be happy with myself and let go of some of my own hangups. My wife's drinking was her business.
You didn't Cause it.
You can't Control it.
You can't Cure it.
Personally, I don't believe anyone deserves to be abused.
I also used to wonder what I was supposed to say. It wasn't until I started going to Al-Anon, that I learned I didn't have to say anything. Wouldn't change anything anyway.
So I took care of myself, figured out how to be happy with myself and let go of some of my own hangups. My wife's drinking was her business.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,620
Hi helplost and welcome to SR.
I don't know if you have had a chance to read around the forum at all but it's a great idea to do so. Lots of information about alcoholism here and knowledge is power.
Alcohol ruins relationships, that's the truth. Also, as someone else mentioned, you didn't cause his drinking, he drinks because he wants to drink. Unless you are duct taping him to a chair and forcing him to drink - then he is making that choice.
All that said, alcoholics are driven to drink, it's not like thinking - oh, think i'll have a cold beer, it's a drive from the brain, alcoholism changes the brain.
Anyway, I would recommend starting with some of the stickies in this section:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Also some great articles here:
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
You may also want to check out the book Codependant No More by Melodie Beatty, as boundaries in a relationship with an alcoholic and in general are important.
Don't want to overwhelm you with too much information but keep posting!
I don't know if you have had a chance to read around the forum at all but it's a great idea to do so. Lots of information about alcoholism here and knowledge is power.
Alcohol ruins relationships, that's the truth. Also, as someone else mentioned, you didn't cause his drinking, he drinks because he wants to drink. Unless you are duct taping him to a chair and forcing him to drink - then he is making that choice.
All that said, alcoholics are driven to drink, it's not like thinking - oh, think i'll have a cold beer, it's a drive from the brain, alcoholism changes the brain.
Anyway, I would recommend starting with some of the stickies in this section:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Also some great articles here:
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
You may also want to check out the book Codependant No More by Melodie Beatty, as boundaries in a relationship with an alcoholic and in general are important.
Don't want to overwhelm you with too much information but keep posting!
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 184
Keep going to the counselor, Lost. You wrote, at the end, that you “do deserve to be unhappy” and I’m hoping that was a typo. You deserve to be happy. Whatever has happened in the past, you deserve to be happy.
Hey may or may not decide to get help. You need to understand and make an informed choice about whether you can continue to live the way that you are living. It’s up to you. I know that sounds overwhelming to you right now, and you may think that either staying or leaving is going to be too hard. That’s why a counselor will be helpful to you as you consider the alternatives and talk about your thoughts and feelings related to both.
I wish you all the best.
Hey may or may not decide to get help. You need to understand and make an informed choice about whether you can continue to live the way that you are living. It’s up to you. I know that sounds overwhelming to you right now, and you may think that either staying or leaving is going to be too hard. That’s why a counselor will be helpful to you as you consider the alternatives and talk about your thoughts and feelings related to both.
I wish you all the best.
coping Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: OKC OK
Posts: 414
Originally Posted by Helplost 
I went to my first al anon meeting today, cried a lot didn't talk but I am trying. I want to thank everyone for the positive things said.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 3
The meeting was a bit intimidating, to me there was only 6 of us so I they all seemed to be looking at me. I was new and I believe is a long standing group due to the age range between me and them. They are very encouraging made me feel very welcome. I am someone like most that has become very private in my feelings so its hard for me to express to others. This thread is helping because I am behind close doors and people do not see me, to be honest. I obtained a copy of courage to change and have read some of it.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
That sounds much like a group that's closest to me. I appreciate it being there. I wound up with a very large Al-anon meeting as my home group. It must have been a God thing. It's a long drive and that gives me time by myself with music, occasionally speaker recordings to listen to, and this space again after the meeting. 30+ people I used to feel lost in who are now a type of family to me.
One day at a time.
Baby steps.
One day at a time.
Baby steps.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Helplost…….one thing that I had to learn the hard way....is this: When a person is intoxicated, it is a complete waste of your time and breath to talk to them and engage in exchanges with them....because...their thinking is distorted, and they will not remember much of what happened, later, anyway....
To do so, will just get you torn up, inside, and they will proceed like nothing much has happened.
My rule, now, is this,,,,never talk to a drunk person.....not in any depth, anyway....
The word for this kind of a boundary is "detachment". Detachment is to protect your own sanity.....
Another thing that I had to learn is that "love" is not enough, alone, to save or turn a dysfunctional relationship into a nurturing one. Sometimes, a relationship is so toxic that one has to "love" from a safe distance.....again, to protect your own peace of mind....
All alcoholics use denial and projection to justify their drinking.....
Projection is blaming others as their reason to drink. Alcoholics drink because they have the disease of alcoholism. That is what they do...
There is ALWAYS a reason. They will drink because it is the cat's birthday.
You could not be perfect enough that he couldn't find some reason that you "caused" him to drink.
If he didn't blame you---he would have to rake responsibility for his drinking---and that is the last thing he would want to do!!
You make this sooo much easier for him---because you have been so willing to believe that you drove him to drink (at least, in the past)…..and, believe me, he knows that!! He knows where your hot buttons are, and how to push them, to his own advantage.
Another thing---In general, a couples therapist will not take a couple, if they are aware that drinking, or an addiction, is a part of the relationship. In this situation, it is generally recommended that individual therapy is best, until the alcohol/drugs are removed as a factor.....
If you are in couples therapy with a practicing alcoholic....it is highly likely that you will be the one to end up on the short end of the stick...…
To do so, will just get you torn up, inside, and they will proceed like nothing much has happened.
My rule, now, is this,,,,never talk to a drunk person.....not in any depth, anyway....
The word for this kind of a boundary is "detachment". Detachment is to protect your own sanity.....
Another thing that I had to learn is that "love" is not enough, alone, to save or turn a dysfunctional relationship into a nurturing one. Sometimes, a relationship is so toxic that one has to "love" from a safe distance.....again, to protect your own peace of mind....
All alcoholics use denial and projection to justify their drinking.....
Projection is blaming others as their reason to drink. Alcoholics drink because they have the disease of alcoholism. That is what they do...
There is ALWAYS a reason. They will drink because it is the cat's birthday.
You could not be perfect enough that he couldn't find some reason that you "caused" him to drink.
If he didn't blame you---he would have to rake responsibility for his drinking---and that is the last thing he would want to do!!
You make this sooo much easier for him---because you have been so willing to believe that you drove him to drink (at least, in the past)…..and, believe me, he knows that!! He knows where your hot buttons are, and how to push them, to his own advantage.
Another thing---In general, a couples therapist will not take a couple, if they are aware that drinking, or an addiction, is a part of the relationship. In this situation, it is generally recommended that individual therapy is best, until the alcohol/drugs are removed as a factor.....
If you are in couples therapy with a practicing alcoholic....it is highly likely that you will be the one to end up on the short end of the stick...…
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Helplost…..one more thought......You are not obligated to be intimate with anyone if you don't actually want to. It is very natural to NOT to want intimacy with some one when they are displaying abusive and obnoxious behaviors.....It is, also, common and normal to lose the intimate longings in a relationship that is full of conflict...a relationship where basic trust ;and respect has been eroded...…
Respect and trust and intimacy cannot be ordered or commanded. It has to be earned through loving, respectful and reliable actions...….
There are situations where too much water has passed under the bridge.....
Keep working on yourself, and time will reveal more...….
Respect and trust and intimacy cannot be ordered or commanded. It has to be earned through loving, respectful and reliable actions...….
There are situations where too much water has passed under the bridge.....
Keep working on yourself, and time will reveal more...….
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,620
Originally Posted by Helplost
The meeting was a bit intimidating, to me there was only 6 of us so I they all seemed to be looking at me. I was new and I believe is a long standing group due to the age range between me and them. They are very encouraging made me feel very welcome. I am someone like most that has become very private in my feelings so its hard for me to express to others. This thread is helping because I am behind close doors and people do not see me, to be honest. I obtained a copy of courage to change and have read some of it.
But yes, it can also be very intimidating, especially if you are used to being more isolated.
Remember with Al-Anon you never have to feel any pressure to share anything you don't want to share. Sometimes just listening to people who have what you want (peace of mind, freedom) and seeing the tools they used to get there can be helpful.
Glad to see you posting here.
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