Newbie with AH...first post
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Join Date: Jan 2019
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Newbie with AH...first post
I’ve been on here reading posts for a few days. This is my first post and also my first time telling my story to anyone outside of my close friends and family. Please forgive me if I don’t use all the right abbreviations and such as I am still learning.
I’ve been with my husband since I was 22. We’ve been together 11 years, married almost 7. We have a daughter that is 8. Looking back, there were red flags everywhere. I both didn’t see them as red flags but instead excused them as just as being young and immature or just plain ignored them. I just thought we were just being “young and dumb.” I was also so naive about what alcoholism is.
I’m trying to make a long, complicated story as short as I can. We had a baby, got married, things were good, until they weren’t. I can see the progression now when I look back but in the moment I did not see it for what it was. I suspected he had a problem but I didn’t consider him an alcoholic. About 3 years ago, I discovered how much of a problem it had become. He had become someone that I didn’t know anymore. We had plans to sit and talk one weekend but he decided not to come home and not answer any phone calls. He left me with our daughter as a stay at home mom with hardly any money. My friends, family and I packed up our house and my daughter and I moved in with my mom. I spoke with a lawyer and had fully planned on a divorce.
Then he came back wanting to work on things and promised to get help. He went to a free, faith based recovery center. He was there 3 months and “graduated.” Time goes by and then I start noticing red flags. My daughter and I came home to him passed out on the living room floor. I kicked him out the next day. He stayed with his cousin where he continued down that path. He decided to give treatment another go. He went to a different but similar place. He was there for 9 months.
He was such a different person by the end of those 9 months. I gave it another shot. He was in sober 1.5 years (including the 9 months spent at the treatment center). He relapsed in July when his grandma passed away and has been struggling since.
I have reached my limit. I need to get my ducks in a row to leave. I have been working on myself these last few months; learning about alcoholism/codependency, self care, and detaching. I still have a ways to go but I am proud of how far I’ve come. I refuse to be sucked back down the rabbit hole with him.
If you’ve made it this far, thanks for listening! I just need to put it all out there with people that understand. Advice and support appreciated!
I’ve been with my husband since I was 22. We’ve been together 11 years, married almost 7. We have a daughter that is 8. Looking back, there were red flags everywhere. I both didn’t see them as red flags but instead excused them as just as being young and immature or just plain ignored them. I just thought we were just being “young and dumb.” I was also so naive about what alcoholism is.
I’m trying to make a long, complicated story as short as I can. We had a baby, got married, things were good, until they weren’t. I can see the progression now when I look back but in the moment I did not see it for what it was. I suspected he had a problem but I didn’t consider him an alcoholic. About 3 years ago, I discovered how much of a problem it had become. He had become someone that I didn’t know anymore. We had plans to sit and talk one weekend but he decided not to come home and not answer any phone calls. He left me with our daughter as a stay at home mom with hardly any money. My friends, family and I packed up our house and my daughter and I moved in with my mom. I spoke with a lawyer and had fully planned on a divorce.
Then he came back wanting to work on things and promised to get help. He went to a free, faith based recovery center. He was there 3 months and “graduated.” Time goes by and then I start noticing red flags. My daughter and I came home to him passed out on the living room floor. I kicked him out the next day. He stayed with his cousin where he continued down that path. He decided to give treatment another go. He went to a different but similar place. He was there for 9 months.
He was such a different person by the end of those 9 months. I gave it another shot. He was in sober 1.5 years (including the 9 months spent at the treatment center). He relapsed in July when his grandma passed away and has been struggling since.
I have reached my limit. I need to get my ducks in a row to leave. I have been working on myself these last few months; learning about alcoholism/codependency, self care, and detaching. I still have a ways to go but I am proud of how far I’ve come. I refuse to be sucked back down the rabbit hole with him.
If you’ve made it this far, thanks for listening! I just need to put it all out there with people that understand. Advice and support appreciated!
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Welcome to SR, Sunflower. It's a great move to start posting. 
((((hugs))))
Have you been to Alanon yet? It's great for face-to-face support from those who understand. My youngest son started in Alateen/Alakid at about your daughter's age. (7, about to turn 8) Different groups have ages that may only allow teens or go to 6 year olds.
http://www.al-anon.org/
I cried at my first meeting. Now I enjoy them.
My son didn't want to go to Alateen at first, yet at the first opening greeting that was read, he smiled. These were people and kids who got it. Who really understood. He received a "Courage To Be Me" book that we read from often for a long time.
((((hugs))))
Have you been to Alanon yet? It's great for face-to-face support from those who understand. My youngest son started in Alateen/Alakid at about your daughter's age. (7, about to turn 8) Different groups have ages that may only allow teens or go to 6 year olds.
http://www.al-anon.org/
I cried at my first meeting. Now I enjoy them.
My son didn't want to go to Alateen at first, yet at the first opening greeting that was read, he smiled. These were people and kids who got it. Who really understood. He received a "Courage To Be Me" book that we read from often for a long time.
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Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 7
I have not but it is something I am looking into. At this point, she knows that daddy was sick and working on himself when he went away but was too young to grasp the concept of alcoholism. Actually, I have started having conversations with her about drugs and alcohol and she had to ask what they were. I may have protected her a little too much? I plan to have a conversation with her specifically about AH but I haven't made up my mind on the details. I am thinking about looking into therapy (for both of us) because I honestly don’t know the best way to navigate that conversation and the divorce conversation...Any ideas?
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Originally Posted by trailmix 
Hi Sunflower and welcome.
Do you plan on leaving or having him leave? Are you working now?
Glad to see you posting, there is lots of support here.
Do you plan on leaving or having him leave? Are you working now?
Glad to see you posting, there is lots of support here.
I was working for the last 2 years up until Summer due to severe back issues. I took a leave but have not had any progress with my back so I am unable into return. It’s a bummer because I really loved the job. I am currently applying to any and all jobs that I am able to do. I am trying not to panic but having no college degree, back issues and being a stay at home mom for 5 years makes the job search...challenging!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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You sound like you have a good attitude about it though and with that kind of effort, eventually, you will land a job no doubt.
I'm glad to hear you didn't move back so at least there won't be that major upheaval for you and your daughter.
I don't have any experience of explaining alcoholism to a child or divorce, to a young child, for that matter but there are many here that do and I'm sure they will be along to share their experience.
Maybe? But that's all water under the bridge now, you are going to have the conversations and that's all that matters.
I'm glad to hear you didn't move back so at least there won't be that major upheaval for you and your daughter.
I don't have any experience of explaining alcoholism to a child or divorce, to a young child, for that matter but there are many here that do and I'm sure they will be along to share their experience.
Originally Posted by Sunflower0827
I may have protected her a little too much?
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Good morning, sunflower! Welcome to SR!
Sorry you had to find us, but this is a great place for support. Sadly, your story is not a new one here.
The only thing I can tell you is, you will have joy again! It just may not look like what you always thought it would
Take good care of yourself and that precious little one! You will all be in my prayers.
Sorry you had to find us, but this is a great place for support. Sadly, your story is not a new one here.
The only thing I can tell you is, you will have joy again! It just may not look like what you always thought it would
Take good care of yourself and that precious little one! You will all be in my prayers.
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Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by trailmix
You sound like you have a good attitude about it though and with that kind of effort, eventually, you will land a job no doubt.
I'm glad to hear you didn't move back so at least there won't be that major upheaval for you and your daughter.
I don't have any experience of explaining alcoholism to a child or divorce, to a young child, for that matter but there are many here that do and I'm sure they will be along to share their experience.
Maybe? But that's all water under the bridge now, you are going to have the conversations and that's all that matters.
I'm glad to hear you didn't move back so at least there won't be that major upheaval for you and your daughter.
I don't have any experience of explaining alcoholism to a child or divorce, to a young child, for that matter but there are many here that do and I'm sure they will be along to share their experience.
Maybe? But that's all water under the bridge now, you are going to have the conversations and that's all that matters.
Yes. I think I may have known (in the back of my mind) that he was just sober and not actively working on recovery. I was hesitant about putting myself in a situation like that again. I am so glad that I stuck by that decision. The first move happened so abruptly and it was very hard on her. She will also be able to stay in the same school that she’s been at since starting which is another huge plus.
I am currently researching and browsing books on the topic of talking to kids about alcoholism. I want to have the conversation soon because I don’t want to bomb her with that conversation and the divorce conversation too close together. I want her to be able to process them separately, if at all possible.
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Join Date: Jan 2019
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Originally Posted by Seren
Good morning, sunflower! Welcome to SR!
Sorry you had to find us, but this is a great place for support. Sadly, your story is not a new one here.
The only thing I can tell you is, you will have joy again! It just may not look like what you always thought it would
Take good care of yourself and that precious little one! You will all be in my prayers.
Sorry you had to find us, but this is a great place for support. Sadly, your story is not a new one here.
The only thing I can tell you is, you will have joy again! It just may not look like what you always thought it would
Take good care of yourself and that precious little one! You will all be in my prayers.
Prayers are very much appreciated!!!!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Yes and you may also find these threads helpful, some are older so you may not want to post in them but they contain good info, in particular about soberlink in the last 3 threads.
Also, not sure if you know but you can click on a poster's name (by their avatar) and select to find all their posts or all their threads if you want to see more that they have discussed:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...oving-out.html (Question re children and moving out)
Posts about visitation and alcohol monitoring.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ring-saga.html (thanks, and update on the monitoring saga)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ce-please.html (Tips/Advice please. . .)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...y-hearing.html (Life after custody hearing)
Also, not sure if you know but you can click on a poster's name (by their avatar) and select to find all their posts or all their threads if you want to see more that they have discussed:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...oving-out.html (Question re children and moving out)
Posts about visitation and alcohol monitoring.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ring-saga.html (thanks, and update on the monitoring saga)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ce-please.html (Tips/Advice please. . .)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...y-hearing.html (Life after custody hearing)
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Location: Somerset County, NJ
Posts: 70
Hi and welcome!
Your story sounds alll too familiar to many people here; including myself. Check out my posts, I didn' marry my AXB but I wanted to bad, even after a third DUI and six relapses. It's hard...this has been so damn hard. When he is sober he is amazing and makes me feel a way that no one else could...Even though it never lasts. At the end of the day it's his problem; not yours. Do whats best for you and your daughter. Having a man passed out on the floor is no way to live (Ive dealt with this, once even on the toilet) I am glad you are here, and you will find a lot of people who understand and care.
Your story sounds alll too familiar to many people here; including myself. Check out my posts, I didn' marry my AXB but I wanted to bad, even after a third DUI and six relapses. It's hard...this has been so damn hard. When he is sober he is amazing and makes me feel a way that no one else could...Even though it never lasts. At the end of the day it's his problem; not yours. Do whats best for you and your daughter. Having a man passed out on the floor is no way to live (Ive dealt with this, once even on the toilet) I am glad you are here, and you will find a lot of people who understand and care.
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Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by lostinjersey1
Hi and welcome!
Your story sounds alll too familiar to many people here; including myself. Check out my posts, I didn' marry my AXB but I wanted to bad, even after a third DUI and six relapses. It's hard...this has been so damn hard. When he is sober he is amazing and makes me feel a way that no one else could...Even though it never lasts. At the end of the day it's his problem; not yours. Do whats best for you and your daughter. Having a man passed out on the floor is no way to live (Ive dealt with this, once even on the toilet) I am glad you are here, and you will find a lot of people who understand and care.
Your story sounds alll too familiar to many people here; including myself. Check out my posts, I didn' marry my AXB but I wanted to bad, even after a third DUI and six relapses. It's hard...this has been so damn hard. When he is sober he is amazing and makes me feel a way that no one else could...Even though it never lasts. At the end of the day it's his problem; not yours. Do whats best for you and your daughter. Having a man passed out on the floor is no way to live (Ive dealt with this, once even on the toilet) I am glad you are here, and you will find a lot of people who understand and care.
I hope and pray that he will get it one day but I need to create distance for myself and daughter. I have days where I feel so strong and capable of this and others where I can feel myself getting sucked back in. I am so grateful I found SR. I feel like I have no one here to talk to that gets it. I don’t blame them; sometimes I don’t even get it lol.
Looking forward to checking out your posts!
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/075730611X/
Understanding Addiction and Recovery Through a Child's Eyes: Hope, Help, and Healing for Families
Understanding Addiction and Recovery Through a Child's Eyes: Hope, Help, and Healing for Families
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