Wow! Blissful 15 days!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2018
Location: Newfoundland Canada
Posts: 25
Wow! Blissful 15 days!!
Hubs has done real well, since NYE ! He's drinking less, pacing himself. We haven't fought once!
I'm not delusional enough to think this will last, but it's the longest that he's been on "good behavior". Previously it's usually been 3 days.
Maybe because I learned, from here, to not engage. But, so far, there's been nothing to disengage from. Yay!
I'm not delusional enough to think this will last, but it's the longest that he's been on "good behavior". Previously it's usually been 3 days.
Maybe because I learned, from here, to not engage. But, so far, there's been nothing to disengage from. Yay!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Originally Posted by Benni 
I wonder why that is?
I have never applied that remedy and never would, for the record lol
For an alcoholic, that negative feeling, after years of drinking, is something that stays with them. I doubt there are many alcoholics that are in active addition (and have been for some time) that are running around feeling great.
So they get worn down, they don't feel great, life isn't going so well (wife/husband is unhappy, work is not being attended to, etc etc). So they stop for a bit, start feeling better.
So now why, when they are feeling better and wife seems happier and the garden is growing and the sun is shining, would you not have a drink?!
Not always though, some people quit! I hope your Husband does but without support it's a huge challenge - even with support it's a huge challenge.
I think a good analogy is dieting and losing 10 lbs then treating yourself to a chocolate bar (then a sundae then a piece of cake). Obviously two different scenarios because alcohol addiction is not sugar addiction, but you get the idea.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Originally Posted by Benni
I wonder why that is?
Sad, down, feeling low, bad day – then drink to make those feelings go away.
Happy, no anxiety things are going good – then drink to celebrate it.
No rhyme or reason, often baffling – that’s the disease of alcoholism.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by Benni
He is still doing really well! I'm not used to this but it's been incredible.
Now, should I praise him, let him know how much it means to me?
Or just enjoy it quietly?
Now, should I praise him, let him know how much it means to me?
Or just enjoy it quietly?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Benni…...I don't suggest that you become a cheerleader for him. If he remarks something like...."I am feeling so much better, these days"....you might say something middlegoround...like "good".....and let it go.....
I remember when my adult son was first trying to get sober...he told me, later, how much he resented it when others "praised" him for his progress.....
He felt like they were getting him to do what THEY wanted him to do....and he felt judged and manipulated and resentful. At the time, I was a little bit surprised by this. He, also, said, that if he felt that if he ever slipped, that they would all be so disappointed in him...and it just added to the pressure that he felt....
I think that if he is doing this, primarily, to please you--rather than his own desire to get sober for his own personal reasons...he will probably harbor secret resentment toward you....
I think it is enough for the partner to just not be obstructive...…
One needs to get used to the idea of allowing the sobriety efforts to belong to the alcoholic......and get rid of the idea that one can have any control of the ultimate outcome....
From my experience, this is different than the usual rules that we have been taught about relationships....and, can be hard to wrap your head around....
He will have other professionals to give him the encouragement that he needs....counselor, or sponsor, or other AA members.... He is not as enmeshed with them, as your are...and, will not feel as "judged" by them as he will you.....
For you to try to become his therapist and support system is just too much for you to shoulder, and will make the relationship lopsided...and, it doesn't work.....lol....
I remember when my adult son was first trying to get sober...he told me, later, how much he resented it when others "praised" him for his progress.....
He felt like they were getting him to do what THEY wanted him to do....and he felt judged and manipulated and resentful. At the time, I was a little bit surprised by this. He, also, said, that if he felt that if he ever slipped, that they would all be so disappointed in him...and it just added to the pressure that he felt....
I think that if he is doing this, primarily, to please you--rather than his own desire to get sober for his own personal reasons...he will probably harbor secret resentment toward you....
I think it is enough for the partner to just not be obstructive...…
One needs to get used to the idea of allowing the sobriety efforts to belong to the alcoholic......and get rid of the idea that one can have any control of the ultimate outcome....
From my experience, this is different than the usual rules that we have been taught about relationships....and, can be hard to wrap your head around....
He will have other professionals to give him the encouragement that he needs....counselor, or sponsor, or other AA members.... He is not as enmeshed with them, as your are...and, will not feel as "judged" by them as he will you.....
For you to try to become his therapist and support system is just too much for you to shoulder, and will make the relationship lopsided...and, it doesn't work.....lol....
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