lostinjersey1

Hi all, I hope everyone had a great new year! I haven’t posted in weeks… I messed up, I am an idiot. I often wonder if I will ever learn….My AX boyfriend….We didn’t talk for almost two months, after his last bender he cut off all contact with everyone, I had no idea if he was in rehab or anything. One day I get a text from a number I didn’t know, I look at it, it was him. He said he was over 25 days sober on his own, meaning he went to his aunt’s house in PA and sobered up himself. He has done permanent damage to his feet, he now has peripheral neuropathy, this is because of the drinking. It really scared him, he swore he was done with drinking for good. After chatting a few times, I agreed to meet up with him, he looked amazing, he was back to the man I fell in love with, he basically swept me off my feet and assured me, this time, it would be different. For the following month, everything was amazing.
He had to go to court for an issue with his car not being registered while he was on his last bender. He had to pay fee’s and go before the judge, he got REALLY nervous, I assured him it was no big deal. Than he was in contact with his ex-wife, they have dogs together, so they exchange them every couple weeks (when he is sober enough to care for them). After seeing his dogs, he got bad again, he was manic, which is usually caused by drinking. All the old stuff started again, he went back to his old house that he is being evicted from on 1/18, and of course no heat, and he has again began drinking and barricading himself.
Would you think after six relapses I would learn my lesson? Why am I such a fool? Why do I believe it will be different? The god thing is, I finally said out loud “I AM DONE”. Meaning no responding to any text messages (which he is passed out from drinking most of the day) so there is not many, no more phone calls. I am hurt and disappointed but maybe this was what I needed to finally move on.
I know some of you will be disappointed in me, but I loved this man….I haven’t felt this way for anyone. You are all like my family now, so I have to tell you what happened.
Thanks all. xo

PhoenixJ

Support to you.

There are a lot of wise words in the forums, better than I can express.

and prayers

pdm22

Sorry to hear about your ex’s relapse. It makes me think of something I heard the other day, and have done myself, and had to learn the hard way, too:

Nothing like a snowball’s chance in hell to give a person a glimmer of hope



Sometimes it takes getting burned a few times to really get it, though. It hurts like hell, for sure. Best of luck to you.

Bekindalways

Welcome back Lost. Please know there is no shame in going back to your Qualifier. Most of us did it many many times. Our addiction is as bad or worse than their's.

Please double down on your self-care and know the hard work of grieving takes time.

Let us know how you are getting on whether it is bad or good.

lostinjersey1

Thank you! I think this time was it for me. I am really upset, but I am busy with work so it helps to keep my mind occupied. I am getting some highlights done in my hair, i figured I would treat myself

alwayscovering

Hey no judgement here. I lost count of how many times my AH has relapsed. I think we're on take 9 million. I'm still here. Big hugs. Take care of yourself.

trailmix

Not at all and not one bit! I don't think that is something you ever need to worry about here LIJ - I'm am glad you came back and posted.

That's (one) of the really hard/tough/horrible things in dealing with an alcoholic that dabbles in sobriety isn't it? It is like having two different people when of course, we know, they are one person.

One minute you have this person across the table from you, smiling, acting "normal" how about some dinner and go for a walk? Life is good.

A week later he is barricaded in an abandoned house drinking himself in to oblivion. There is nothing "normal" about that and none of us were taught how to deal with such things, it's not something they are teaching in school.

I believe you did the best you could with the information you had and you shouldn't fault yourself for that, true?

Glad to hear you are going to get highlights and taking some time to cheer up your day. Him doing the same thing over again doesn't make it any easier on you. I hope perhaps you will take some time to attend an al-anon meeting as well or read some self-empowering books or even read the stickies at the top of the forum here.

Keeping yourself strong is something that needs to be ongoing in the early days especially.

I hope you will keep posting.

hopeful4

Absolutely no judgement, ever! This is your journey, and only you can decide how that goes. We are here to support you during, no matter your choices.

If I could only tell you how many times my XAH promised change, and I stayed. Over and over. It had to click within my own head, and that is OK.

I am glad you are OK, you can do this!

Shellcrusher

I remember when I constantly touched a hot stove over and over again and it always hurt. These days, I might still touch it accidentally but at least I tend to catch myself early and don't linger to long. The burns aren't quite so bad.
I think of it as progress. Not perfection.
Like others have said, don't feel shameful or worry about judgement. I know I have to learn in my own way, on my own timeline.
Keep up the good work!

MindfulMan

You mentioned he was "manic." Is he diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder?

BPD and substance abuse, particularly alcohol and cocaine, are highly correlated, as street drugs and alcohol are often used to self-medicate. You may have a double whammy on your hands, as untreated BPD people often won' take their medications because they are chasing that state of early mania called hypomania.

This becomes a vicious circle, as the self-medication decreases the efficacy of the prescribed meds. It's highly unlikely that anyone with BPD will get sober (or well) without committing to a treatment program.

This is just information. Whether you want to continue a relationship with any addict is up to you. This guy sounds like a hot mess and he'll either decide to commit to treatment or he won't, and you will have little to no influence on his decision.

Leelee168

Stay committed to being away from him. Don’t look back-not for anything.

Best to you.

Cyranoak

you think? for the love of God