Do RA's normally turn into a complete a** when they get close to 1 year!? - Page 2 - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Old 01-11-2019, 12:32 AM   #21 (permalink)
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**It's gonna sound like like I'm an ass,but I'm fine with that**

Why not remove yourself and the 'kids' out of the situation entirely? Your disdain,for him, is well documented on here and I just can't wrap my mind around why you'd stay..is it purely financial?..you said "end of my rope"..what's that mean to you?...could you get a place next week?..If not that should be your goal..plans put into action allow change.

Again..not trying to be an ass.
Valid question. Its mostly financial. I have turned over every rock and pebble looking for help this past year. The housing crisis here is out of control, the cheapest rent is for just a room in a house, at $650. A 2 bedroom in an apartment in a seedy part of town is $975, plus utilities. I'd also need first months and last month's rent, plus deposit. The homeless population has exploded, and I'd rather be here than in a women's shelter.

The other reason is my 17 year old son who has Auimtism/Bipolar. He has bouts of self harm and neither one of us can keep him from hurting himself with just 1 person. We generally get a day to a few hours to prepare, we know the signs. But he's too strong for one person. He hasn't had an issue in close to a year, so that's good!!!Yes we've looked into programs for him, and he has a phenomenal doctor.

I did have a solution, living in an RV in the park I work in. I asked my dad if he'd buy something we could live in, he said no, but he could help with $100 a month. Ok, that would buy a tent. Our children have young families of their own, no extra money. My husband does have a rich uncle with a little studio apt next to his barn. But he thinks being around alcoholics is fine, and I just "need to get over it."

What do other people do who are in my same situation? My brother in law lives in his car, people camp out in some of the state parks. They sleep on couches at friends and family, or join the homeless population. That kind of life with all that change and uncertainty would send an Autistic kid off the deep end. So, I don't see a way out. I've tried. Weighing all the options, I'm stuck. I'm still better off here than in a tent, a women's shelter, or an air mattress on the floor of a family member.

Also keep in mind most of us post when we are having problems and need advice or support. You don't hear about all the good things that happen, the progress being made, promises that are being kept etc. I do love him, there are many good things, I just don't post about them because they don't stress me out or bother me.
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Old 01-11-2019, 06:20 AM   #22 (permalink)
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Wamama, you are in such a difficult situation and I sympathize. Is it possible for the two of you to be separated under one roof while things sort themselves out? I am sorry it has come to this, especially when there was much progress.

You are right, you should expect that your spouse respect you... etc. You should be able to trust your spouse with your feelings. But right now you can not trust him as he is not reliable, and trust is one of the most important things in intimate relationships. It takes a long time to build, and moments to destroy. If you have to write him letters, this means that there is already something wrong with the communication in the relationship. You are in a marriage where YOU can not communicate your feelings. If this letter-situation has been going on for a while now, it might be because your husband actually can not manage your feelings AT ALL, even if sober. It is possible that he's having issues with the steps, but it is also possible that this is who he is... and that (what he said to you) is what he really thinks of you. And what would be a huge shock. You would feel deceived.

But it is not possible to know why he did what he did.

Also if you have PTSD from exposure to addicts, I think it is very difficult to ask an addict for support. If they are having difficulty with the steps, they are not going to be able to be active partners in any sort of relationship -- denial is a symptom of addiction, so when there is a problem, they will just make it someone else's fault, usually the person who is most convenient: their spouse. This gives them a reason to drink, no?

This is not to say that you deserve the way he treated you when you asked for support. The way he treated you was... if it were a "normal" relationship, you would probably be divorced already. So you do have my sympathy, but I think in this situation, you're going to have to detach until... more is revealed.

If you can make things easier for your son, I would focus on that. And also yourself. Are you getting enough support? Are you getting the right sort of support from your therapist?

More will be revealed.
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Old 01-11-2019, 01:42 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Thank you Ophelia. I realized yesterday I had naturally detached from him 100%. I don't feel love, pity, wanting to work on the marriage. I feel nothing. I do feel compassion towards him because he is a human being and he's struggling.

I have done the letter writing thing all my life. It's just a way I can get out the most painful feelings. Kind of like writing in a journal, but that writing is directed to a person.

We have a partly finished basement, so if things get really bad I will clear out a room down there. If he would leave for a few weeks, it would help. But where's a blind man to go. His dad has room, but his A brother lives there. And if he left, he would have to leave all of his money for me to get the basics paid. I've turned over so many things in my head to get to where something that would work for us to be separated.

Oh well, I'll continue with my own room and staying detached and as busy as I can manage. Thank you so much for your support, it helps a lot!!!
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Old 01-11-2019, 01:52 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Thank you Ophelia. I realized yesterday I had naturally detached from him 100%. I don't feel love, pity, wanting to work on the marriage. I feel nothing. I do feel compassion towards him because he is a human being and he's struggling.
You know what Wamama, this seems completely normal (I know you don't need me to say that but I just want you to know, since sometimes it's hard to get perspective when you are in the middle of it).

Your idea about the partially finished basement is probably spot on. Maybe that's something you could work on now in bits and pieces? Even if you don't actually move down there that could be your place?

Yes, certain expectations are entirely valid in any relationship, not just romantic ones. I guess an expectation that a recovering alcoholic is going to react in any particular way is not one that is realistic?

As Ophelia touched on, none of this is "normal".
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Old 01-11-2019, 03:21 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Hi Wamama!
I can only touch on a few things from your post, things I can relate to.
I've been in Al-Anon for roughly 5 years and my RAW entered AA about the same time. Sure, there were some tough times even a year later. There are some tough times 5 years later. For us, the program reveals more about ourselves as we're fit to receive. No more and no less. That might not make much sense but as others have suggested, working on and around step 4 can be hard. Making a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves isn't always sunshine and unicorns. (Don't forget to highlight the good things)

Anyway, yeah, recovery can bring up some bad medicine and people have to work through it as best as they can. It doesn't make wrongful treatment of another person okay. I can only pray for you and your family in that regard.

As far as sleeping in your room/bed? Hey! I moved to my own room and I ain't coming back. Why? I love my own bed. I love to sprawl out. I don't wake up because of someone else. I can hog all the covers I want. In the end, I sleep well and for me, that is a blessing. I spent so many sleepless nights and I'm sure most people can related to that. I spend alot of time sleeping. It better be good. Now, I could play a game with myself. Yeah. My kids won't learn proper love because their daddy doesn't sleep in bed with mommy. Naw. Forget that fear based stuff. My kids are happy cause I play with them and I can do that because I'm not dragging arse around the house due to sleep deprivation. I decided to take care of my needs first so I can tend to others.

Speaking of my needs...Ever hear of HALT? Are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired? Tend to those needs first. It's for you. Nobody else. The moment I slowed down enough to take care of those things for me, was when I was able to tackle some of the tougher things. For me, there was a clarity of my mind. I believe once that clarity arrived, I no longer needed to validate myself to my RAW. I was validating myself and that freed me from the clutches of external dependencies. It all takes practice and doing things slightly different than I used to. I had to change my own behavior and do so in a way that held zero expectations for anything beyond that which I could expect from myself.

I hope this doesn't come off as too lofty. I remember my earlier years with this disease. I'm only speaking from my own experiences here.

Take what you want, leave the rest.
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Old 01-11-2019, 05:07 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Thank you Shellcrusher. It's nice to know there's a marriage that survived the turmoil of both spouses in recovery. It's certainly the hardest thing I've ever been through in my 49 years.
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Old 01-11-2019, 07:12 PM   #27 (permalink)
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You know, that's a good idea. I see free furniture on Craigslist all the time, we go to garage sales. I can make my own living room! That's exciting! Except there are spiders down there. There's a lot of stored stuff down there after 13 years, if you never hear from me again, it's because I'm buried under all that stuff lol
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You know what Wamama, this seems completely normal (I know you don't need me to say that but I just want you to know, since sometimes it's hard to get perspective when you are in the middle of it).

Your idea about the partially finished basement is probably spot on. Maybe that's something you could work on now in bits and pieces? Even if you don't actually move down there that could be your place?

Yes, certain expectations are entirely valid in any relationship, not just romantic ones. I guess an expectation that a recovering alcoholic is going to react in any particular way is not one that is realistic?

As Ophelia touched on, none of this is "normal".
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Old 01-11-2019, 11:29 PM   #28 (permalink)
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You know, that's a good idea. I see free furniture on Craigslist all the time, we go to garage sales. I can make my own living room! That's exciting! Except there are spiders down there. There's a lot of stored stuff down there after 13 years, if you never hear from me again, it's because I'm buried under all that stuff lol
Oh I hope you do, it will actually probably be a really fun project once you have cleared a space for yourself (AH can help!)

and lol (be sure to take your phone with you).
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Old 01-12-2019, 12:43 AM   #29 (permalink)
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Im taking a blow torch too. Some of those spiders are huge.
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Oh I hope you do, it will actually probably be a really fun project once you have cleared a space for yourself (AH can help!)

and lol (be sure to take your phone with you).
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Old 01-12-2019, 06:23 AM   #30 (permalink)
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Wamama …….maybe, you can sell some of that stored stuff on Craigslist....if it has been stored for 13yrs., chances are that you don't really need it that much....
Watch out for the recluse spiders...they are the ones that like closed up places, like that.....
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Old 01-12-2019, 06:28 AM   #31 (permalink)
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Wamama…….I thought that the following website might be of interest to you.....and, give you some bright ideas....

A List of Scholarships for Women Over 40 - ScholarshipsandGrants.us
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Old 01-12-2019, 11:57 AM   #32 (permalink)
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Wamama…….I thought that the following website might be of interest to you.....and, give you some bright ideas....

A List of Scholarships for Women Over 40 - ScholarshipsandGrants.us
Thanks Dandy!
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Old 01-12-2019, 12:00 PM   #33 (permalink)
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I'm sorry you are feeling bad. I agree that the basement project sounds great. You would have your own retreat.

Have you ever considered telling him that those 6 words would have made a world of difference? I don't know if that feels appropriate for you, but it's just a thought. You aren't looking for him to fix you right? Guys tend to feel responsible for fixing things IMO. Perhaps just saying I am only looking for some understanding / acknowledgment ?? And telling you what is going on with me right now
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Old 01-12-2019, 01:41 PM   #34 (permalink)
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Yes I told him. Then he gave me the "expectations lead to resentment" line and left. Later on he used those things I told him to ask me what was my problem with the PTSD, it's been a year and I haven't made progress. I went to my room crying, he followed me and continued to tell me I'm just being difficult. That was huge for me. He's never attacked me before like that. I've completely detached from him and told him I'm no longer putting myself out there for a man who won't be there for me. I'm going on with my life, I deserve better treatment, and I wont allow him to treat me like that. The ball is in his court.
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Old 01-12-2019, 01:50 PM   #35 (permalink)
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Hi Wamama,

This book is worth mentioning again and again: The Life-changing Magic of Tidying Up.

I've used it's principles many times and it always works. More keeps coming into my life, and there's always new ways or areas to let it be of use.

The basis is having a new sense of connection, control and joy with the things around us. It's the little things that create the bigger things we're dealing with, so when those little things bring us joy we feel it in many ways.

How are you doing today? Are there any good things you're able to enjoy? (((hugs)))
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Old 01-12-2019, 03:24 PM   #36 (permalink)
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Hi Wamama,

This book is worth mentioning again and again: The Life-changing Magic of Tidying Up.

I've used it's principles many times and it always works. More keeps coming into my life, and there's always new ways or areas to let it be of use.

The basis is having a new sense of connection, control and joy with the things around us. It's the little things that create the bigger things we're dealing with, so when those little things bring us joy we feel it in many ways.

How are you doing today? Are there any good things you're able to enjoy? (((hugs)))
Thanks Mango, I might look into that. Sad today, but moving on and doing a lot of cleaning. Seems symbolic. I hope you're having a wonderful day. 😍
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Old 01-13-2019, 12:44 PM   #37 (permalink)
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I agree with making your own space downstairs

I loved the "Tidying Up" book Mango mentioned, and now Marie Kondo has her own Netflix show if you wanna see her tiny self in action

Purging that stuff downstairs could be very cathartic, and unleashing your creative energy on building yourself an amazing retreat with some paint and free furniture is taking empowering action in a tight situation.

Once the clutter is out, and the bug spray applied, and a good heavy cleaning occurs, you have a palette to work with.

My husband and I both have our "rooms" and mine is in the basement--yes, some bugs and it is colder in Winter, but going down the stairs I enter my kingdom and love having a place of my own. (In Summer, it is cool and refreshing and I like to go there to rest and read a book).

They have amazing cheap efficient space heaters now--some of which look like little gas fireplaces (not really gas but good electric fakes) which would make it cozy and warm.

Imagine a nice overstuffed chair, a flickering "fireplace", and a cozy bed with lots of covers and pillows to snuggle in.

Pick a lovely shade of paint in a color you love and he hates, get some nice incense, candles, and books, puzzles, adult coloring books, etc. and make a place of peace and tranquility.

You deserve it Wamama
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Old 01-13-2019, 02:00 PM   #38 (permalink)
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Some things I've found out:

We're much more resilient than we realize.

Things don't need to be perfect. Imperfections, being human, allowing what I am in this moment to be enough is a really good thing.

There's many ways to heal.

Diatomaceous earth works great for getting rid of spiders. Non-toxic, pet and people-friendly. (sprinkled, being around it, skin contact or ingested is safe - do not inhale)

One day at a time.
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Old 01-13-2019, 03:54 PM   #39 (permalink)
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Thank you so much, your post made me smile. I'm very excited about making the space my own. He was going to use it as a green room but he said he will put his plant starts elsewhere, so that's a plus. I'm excited to have my own room.
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I agree with making your own space downstairs

I loved the "Tidying Up" book Mango mentioned, and now Marie Kondo has her own Netflix show if you wanna see her tiny self in action

Purging that stuff downstairs could be very cathartic, and unleashing your creative energy on building yourself an amazing retreat with some paint and free furniture is taking empowering action in a tight situation.

Once the clutter is out, and the bug spray applied, and a good heavy cleaning occurs, you have a palette to work with.

My husband and I both have our "rooms" and mine is in the basement--yes, some bugs and it is colder in Winter, but going down the stairs I enter my kingdom and love having a place of my own. (In Summer, it is cool and refreshing and I like to go there to rest and read a book).

They have amazing cheap efficient space heaters now--some of which look like little gas fireplaces (not really gas but good electric fakes) which would make it cozy and warm.

Imagine a nice overstuffed chair, a flickering "fireplace", and a cozy bed with lots of covers and pillows to snuggle in.

Pick a lovely shade of paint in a color you love and he hates, get some nice incense, candles, and books, puzzles, adult coloring books, etc. and make a place of peace and tranquility.

You deserve it Wamama
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