Sister is functioning alcoholic.
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Join Date: Jan 2019
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Sister is functioning alcoholic.
Hello I’m new to this and looking for some guidance. My sister is a functioning alcoholic that does not see that she has a problem.She started out on beer went to wine until her adult children told her to stop drinking wine to drinking vodka with water and a splash of lemonade drink mix. She’s been drinking now for years. I can’t be around her when there is alcohol,one drink and she turns into someone I do not like. But doesn’t stop at that one drink. Don’t get me wrong I like to have a drink every once in a blue moon . She now is a grandmother of two her grown children know she’s got a problem but no one seems to do anything to help her. She is very cruel and brings up the past all the time. The last straw was a few nights ago she texted me see if I wanted to go shopping the next day told her I couldn’t. It turned into a nightmare of texts. So I have decided to send out email that I no longer except texts and will only answer or talk on phone. But sent it to all my siblings.so it just wasn’t to her. What do I do.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
hi Eaglebrigiegirl, welcome to SR, sorry for what bring you here, of course. Having an alcoholic sibling must be so painful.
I don't know if you have had a chance to look around the sober recovery site at all but the stickies at the top of this forum have some great threads that you might find really helpful, this spot is a good place to start:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Please remember that you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
You mention no one seems to be helping your Sister. There is little to be done when an alcoholic wants to drink. If they are not interested in getting sober and getting in to recovery, no amount of pushing or pleading or badgering is going to make a difference, in general.
As you read around you will find out more and more about alcoholism and different ways to cope when someone close to you is in the throes of addiction.
I hope you will stick around and keep posting.
I don't know if you have had a chance to look around the sober recovery site at all but the stickies at the top of this forum have some great threads that you might find really helpful, this spot is a good place to start:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Please remember that you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
You mention no one seems to be helping your Sister. There is little to be done when an alcoholic wants to drink. If they are not interested in getting sober and getting in to recovery, no amount of pushing or pleading or badgering is going to make a difference, in general.
As you read around you will find out more and more about alcoholism and different ways to cope when someone close to you is in the throes of addiction.
I hope you will stick around and keep posting.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
So I have decided to send out email that I no longer except texts and will only answer or talk on phone.
HI Eaglebrigegirl--
Excellent instincts on no longer accepting her texts - you know you can block receiving texts from just her on your phone so you don;t have to stop texting others in you family if you don't want to.
As trailmix pointed out there is little we can do to change or save our A loved ones.
I have 3 A brothers in various stages of active alcoholism, been dealing with it for decades and it really stinks. It took me a long time to accept that I wasn't going to be able change them and that they weren't likely to change anyway! And that they had every right not to change! They are adults choosing to drink in spite of terrible consequences. They are addicts.
I had to learn that I could only change myself and I was under no obligation to maintain a front row seat to their insanity and decline. AlAno helped me a LOT with this concept as did individual counseling and reading lots of books about alcoholism and codependency.
Was there previous alcoholism in your family tree? Some of the patterns of the alkie/normie relationship are passed down from generation to generation unfortunately and we can be reacting to things in ways we were taught without being mindful of our own choices and freedom in how we wish to deal with the alcoholic. My father was an A and I learned so much about that whole dynamic that exists in A families through AlAno and books and therapy.
Glad you're here! You're not alone. Learning to keep the focus on my own dreams, struggles, problems, and goals took a lot of effort but it's been the only way out of the craziness and anxiety surrounding my brothers.
Peace,
B
HI Eaglebrigegirl--
Excellent instincts on no longer accepting her texts - you know you can block receiving texts from just her on your phone so you don;t have to stop texting others in you family if you don't want to.
As trailmix pointed out there is little we can do to change or save our A loved ones.
I have 3 A brothers in various stages of active alcoholism, been dealing with it for decades and it really stinks. It took me a long time to accept that I wasn't going to be able change them and that they weren't likely to change anyway! And that they had every right not to change! They are adults choosing to drink in spite of terrible consequences. They are addicts.
I had to learn that I could only change myself and I was under no obligation to maintain a front row seat to their insanity and decline. AlAno helped me a LOT with this concept as did individual counseling and reading lots of books about alcoholism and codependency.
Was there previous alcoholism in your family tree? Some of the patterns of the alkie/normie relationship are passed down from generation to generation unfortunately and we can be reacting to things in ways we were taught without being mindful of our own choices and freedom in how we wish to deal with the alcoholic. My father was an A and I learned so much about that whole dynamic that exists in A families through AlAno and books and therapy.
Glad you're here! You're not alone. Learning to keep the focus on my own dreams, struggles, problems, and goals took a lot of effort but it's been the only way out of the craziness and anxiety surrounding my brothers.
Peace,
B
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Eagle, I have a sister who is a drinker. She went through an acute stage years ago after her marriage broke up where she would phone us drone on endlessly. We dreaded the phone (landlines then) ringing.
I intervened, my other sister and her colleague talked to her; nothing would stop her, and she wouldn't accept help. It cost her her relationship with one of her boys, who hasn't seen or spoken to her since he was 12, and he's in his 20s now. She is bowed down with sorrow about it, but still drinks.
OTOH my sister is funny and great to talk to when sober.
We asked her not to call us when she'd been drinking, and that did stop it. I never call her after 3pm so I don't get her after a few drinks. It's much easier these days because you can see who's calling and send it to message. You can also just not respond to texts, no matter how many she sends. Eventually she'll get the message, or not, but you don't need to participate.
I don't think including your other siblings in this is necessary. If she asks why you are singling her out you can tell her, but why throw the baby out with the bathwater?
You seem to have a problem standing up to her, but if you can, talk to her when she's sober. Explain that you have a problem with her drunk personality and therefore you won't engage with her at all if she's had a drink. That's socially or on the phone. Her children are probably getting to that stage as well.
If you feel you can't tell her, email her. She will push and push and you'll need to be very consistent and firm.
Remember, she has the right to drink but you have the right to avoid her at those times for your own sanity.
I intervened, my other sister and her colleague talked to her; nothing would stop her, and she wouldn't accept help. It cost her her relationship with one of her boys, who hasn't seen or spoken to her since he was 12, and he's in his 20s now. She is bowed down with sorrow about it, but still drinks.
OTOH my sister is funny and great to talk to when sober.
We asked her not to call us when she'd been drinking, and that did stop it. I never call her after 3pm so I don't get her after a few drinks. It's much easier these days because you can see who's calling and send it to message. You can also just not respond to texts, no matter how many she sends. Eventually she'll get the message, or not, but you don't need to participate.
I don't think including your other siblings in this is necessary. If she asks why you are singling her out you can tell her, but why throw the baby out with the bathwater?
You seem to have a problem standing up to her, but if you can, talk to her when she's sober. Explain that you have a problem with her drunk personality and therefore you won't engage with her at all if she's had a drink. That's socially or on the phone. Her children are probably getting to that stage as well.
If you feel you can't tell her, email her. She will push and push and you'll need to be very consistent and firm.
Remember, she has the right to drink but you have the right to avoid her at those times for your own sanity.
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Join Date: Jan 2019
Location: New York.
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Thanks for reaching out to me. Your right FeelingGreat I do have a problem standing up to her.. because every time I do she twist things all around in her head and it’s a bigger mess. She is my only sister and I love her but she has always been jealous of me. And everyone else in our family .I’m the baby of the family and she is third child which is a year apart from my brother then there’s an older brother. Not sure if the Irish twin thing is part of her issues. No clue .... I do have to still deal with her because we are our fathers POA and health care proxy. but that will be the only time . I just feel so bad that I have to walk away from her. But it’s the best thing for me and my own family. The sad part is that she sits out in her barn every night and drinks and smokes cigarettes until 12:00 1:00 am .He husband sit with her and also drinks until 7:00 ish then goes in the house to bed and leaves her out there .Thats when she TWI which I call it Texting while intoxicated. And gets things all stirred up. Because she’s lonely and angry her life is a mess. I have been advised not to tell her kids or husband she has texted me with such cruel things. Just back away from her. Hope I’m doing the right thing. Thanks again for your thoughts.:
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Join Date: May 2010
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One thing I've noticed is that there are basically 2 types of alcoholics-those that don't care about their behavior/others opinion and others who will try to hide/deny the extent of their drinking. Their entire day is frequently a show. Also long term drinking or drugging winds up with people covering for the alcoholic. Their daily life, job etc usually is pretty routine which makes things easier because they know who to avoid or how to act in a situation. Even then that will no longer be possible.
Until they really want to change on their own which includes them admitting they drink too much I'd stay out of their way and make sure everyone's safe.
Good Luck
Until they really want to change on their own which includes them admitting they drink too much I'd stay out of their way and make sure everyone's safe.
Good Luck
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Eagle
Are you sure you and I weren't separated at birth? Your sister sounds very similar to mine.
After several years of progressive craziness, yours truly finally decided that I was expending too much energy trying to figure her out. I have been no contact with her and her codependent family members for over 2-1/2 years.
Are you sure you and I weren't separated at birth? Your sister sounds very similar to mine.
After several years of progressive craziness, yours truly finally decided that I was expending too much energy trying to figure her out. I have been no contact with her and her codependent family members for over 2-1/2 years.
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Well I really thought by now I would have gotten an apology by now. But maybe by me sending out I’m will no longer respond to text messages hit home to her. So I guess her cruel words to me didn’t make her feel bad. I guess I just need to get over it.
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Originally Posted by Eaglebrigegirl 
Well I really thought by now I would have gotten an apology by now. But maybe by me sending out I’m will no longer respond to text messages hit home to her. So I guess her cruel words to me didn’t make her feel bad. I guess I just need to get over it.
Have you worked out a strategy for when you encounter her drinking, either by phone or text or in person? It helps to have something prepared so you don't clam up.
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I spent a lot of years trying to figure out how to get the alcoholics in my life to change. I wish I had spent that time and energy focusing on how *I* could change to minimize my consequences from their choices.
If you don't want to engage with her when she is drinking or being nasty, then you must be the one to disengage. Expecting an addict to change their behavior upon request is a losing proposition--but you CAN have peace in your life, if you are willing to do things like block her number while she is sending you a barrage of mean texts.
If you don't want to engage with her when she is drinking or being nasty, then you must be the one to disengage. Expecting an addict to change their behavior upon request is a losing proposition--but you CAN have peace in your life, if you are willing to do things like block her number while she is sending you a barrage of mean texts.
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Well it’s been a strange start to week. My sister left belated birthday gifts hanging on my daughters house door for me. Guess she didn’t want to come to my house but that’s fine. Wasn’t sure I was keeping the things but my husband asked me to please don’t make a big deal about it. He does not like turmoil. So I kept the stuff just because he asked me to. Then yesterday while I was getting my grandsons on the bus her number came up on my daughters phone at 7:15 am .I knew that it must be something with our father. Yup sure enough he fell and broke his hip. Know I’m thinking I have to go and be in same room with her. She kept us updated all morning because she went to him. Then when we got to hospital she acts like nothing ever happened. I was very civil. His surgery is today so it’s another day with her. But I guess all I can do is when she’s drinking at home I don’t have to deal with her. I’ll just keep everything about our father. All I can do.
Sober since 10th April 2012
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Hi Eagle,
Sorry to hear about your father. I hope the operation goes well.
You'll have to deal with your sister from time to time, and you may well enjoy it when she's sober. It's the drunk sister that upsets and abuses you.
If you come across her when she's been drinking, or she starts a fight, turn and leave. You are not obliged to answer her or defend yourself. Do you have something to say prepared? Example: I don't want to talk about this; I'm leaving (hanging up) now. Goodbye.
Sorry to hear about your father. I hope the operation goes well.
You'll have to deal with your sister from time to time, and you may well enjoy it when she's sober. It's the drunk sister that upsets and abuses you.
If you come across her when she's been drinking, or she starts a fight, turn and leave. You are not obliged to answer her or defend yourself. Do you have something to say prepared? Example: I don't want to talk about this; I'm leaving (hanging up) now. Goodbye.
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Yes, I agree Eagle your father needs to be focus--hip issues can really be serious for elderly people even after initial treatment so pulling together as a team as much as possible will benefit you as well.
I hope for best outcome for all of you
I hope for best outcome for all of you
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Thank you ..Day went well I do enjoy her when she’s not drinking. There wasn’t a word about what she had said to me a few weeks ago. My husband went with me for support. Thank goodness. We can come together when need be but your right if she’s drinking I will not deal with her. Thanks again And surgery went well he’s a tough old bird for 88. 😉
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