Struggling to go no contact for good.
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 106
Struggling to go no contact for good.
The inevitable has happened yet again. I am putting this here mainly for me to document and remind myself how worse it's all getting and that the hope for change does not exist. On Sunday my AH "boyfriend " came home drunk. This was after many broken promises and second chances etc. I took a different approach to the situation instead of calling him names like a drunk loser and voicing my opinion of his sick state of being I instead just said "Hello" and did not acknowledge that he was drunk. He on the other hand walked in the house ignored me when I said hello, when I asked him how his day way he ignored me then he started laughing and mumbling. He then proceeded to lay on the couch , I was keeping myself busy doing the dishes. He told me he was going to bed and told me to go to bed too. I told him I'm going to read my book for a while and will go to bed soon. Ten minutes later he came out of the bedroom and told me to come to bed. I have to say I did everything in my power to stay calm as he was so drunk that he couldn't talk straight and looked like he was cross eyed. It was DISGUSTING! At that point I was pretending to read my book when he came over to me and tried to pick me up and drag me into the bedroom. I told him to get his hands off me and leave me alone. Im still acting calm. He started yelling at me went into the bedroom and slammed the door as hard as he could over and over like 20 times! So loud the house was shaking and I'm pretty sure the neighbors could hear. At this point I grabbed my keys and phone I was in my pajamas, I left and drove around the block and sat there in my car for about 40min. When I went back home he was sleeping. The next morning he says to me " oh so you slept out here". I ignored him. He yelled it at me again so I said "yes, you were drunk and i didn't want to sleep next to you , it was really gross how drunk you were". He says to me "I won't let you control me , if I want to have fun I'll have fun". I did not respond to this. I went into the bathroom and got ready for work. I stayed at a hotel last night and am staying there tonight as well. I'm exhausted from the drunken drama and dead end lifestyle. I've gone no contact for as long as a week but I need to go no contact for good and move out. The place is in my name and he will not leave. It's difficult living together and trying to have no contact. That is my main struggle. And that rents are extremely expensive in my area, so trying to find something suitable is difficult to say the least. He has only text me a few times asking where I am. I have not responded. This has been going on for so long. I can't believe this is my life. It's like he is brain dead. He doesn't give a ****. And now I have to try to dig myself out of this stupid mess.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Amusic, please know that this is said with kindness.
In fact he is right, you are trying to control the situation. He doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do.
You posted back in September:
When you wrote that you were writing what you thought, what your expectation was. That expectation was not met, of course, because again, he doesn't want to quit drinking.
I think you also posted that you try to leave a balanced/healthy lifestyle and would like him to do that same (forgive me if that was someone else who posted that) but again and expectation that is unrealistic.
A few times you have talked about getting him to move out and you did buy an air mattress and move to the other room but I guess that all went by the wayside?
Bottom line is, your expectation is that he is going to decide you are correct, he will get sober, live a balanced life and all will be well, but I don't see him doing anything to indicate that or even saying anything to indicate he is interested in doing that.
Even when you were separating yourself from him he didn't say - I'm on my way to AA to do 90 meetings in 90 days - he said he wanted to do couples counselling.
He wants to stay in this relationship just the way it is.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it.
Your choices are to accept him exactly the way he is, or get out of this and at this point, getting out of this is your best move in my opinion.
I think you are really playing with fire here. Any man who would put his hands on his SO to try and get them to follow them somewhere - that's a gigantic problem. He obviously has no boundaries when it comes to physical force. Please be very careful, keep yourself safe.
In fact he is right, you are trying to control the situation. He doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do.
You posted back in September:
I thought that when I called the police and he spent 4 days in jail that would be his rock bottom and he would realize that alcohol is ruining his life and ours. But instead there's no thought process about it and he continues to carry on as if everyone is to blame and he's just enjoying life getting wasted.
I think you also posted that you try to leave a balanced/healthy lifestyle and would like him to do that same (forgive me if that was someone else who posted that) but again and expectation that is unrealistic.
A few times you have talked about getting him to move out and you did buy an air mattress and move to the other room but I guess that all went by the wayside?
Bottom line is, your expectation is that he is going to decide you are correct, he will get sober, live a balanced life and all will be well, but I don't see him doing anything to indicate that or even saying anything to indicate he is interested in doing that.
Even when you were separating yourself from him he didn't say - I'm on my way to AA to do 90 meetings in 90 days - he said he wanted to do couples counselling.
He wants to stay in this relationship just the way it is.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it.
Your choices are to accept him exactly the way he is, or get out of this and at this point, getting out of this is your best move in my opinion.
I think you are really playing with fire here. Any man who would put his hands on his SO to try and get them to follow them somewhere - that's a gigantic problem. He obviously has no boundaries when it comes to physical force. Please be very careful, keep yourself safe.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Hi Amusic,
I'm glad you're here. Stay safe. ((((hugs))))
Have you called your local DV helpline yet? This was a big step for me in gaining clarity, resources and healing.
In person counseling, group meetings and being in healthy environments helps me, too. Certain libraries, museums and stores are great places to find peace, hope and desire for more good. Recognizing my feelings, wants, desires and allowing myself to have them has been important.
What do you really want for yourself?
I'm glad you're here. Stay safe. ((((hugs))))
Have you called your local DV helpline yet? This was a big step for me in gaining clarity, resources and healing.
In person counseling, group meetings and being in healthy environments helps me, too. Certain libraries, museums and stores are great places to find peace, hope and desire for more good. Recognizing my feelings, wants, desires and allowing myself to have them has been important.
What do you really want for yourself?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 106
Originally Posted by Mango212 
Hi Amusic,
I'm glad you're here. Stay safe. ((((hugs))))
Have you called your local DV helpline yet? This was a big step for me in gaining clarity, resources and healing.
In person counseling, group meetings and being in healthy environments helps me, too. Certain libraries, museums and stores are great places to find peace, hope and desire for more good. Recognizing my feelings, wants, desires and allowing myself to have them has been important.
What do you really want for yourself?
I'm glad you're here. Stay safe. ((((hugs))))
Have you called your local DV helpline yet? This was a big step for me in gaining clarity, resources and healing.
In person counseling, group meetings and being in healthy environments helps me, too. Certain libraries, museums and stores are great places to find peace, hope and desire for more good. Recognizing my feelings, wants, desires and allowing myself to have them has been important.
What do you really want for yourself?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
A site that might help you as well Amusic:
https://www.womenslaw.org/
It discusses housing and tenant law by state as well as other issues like restraining orders etc
https://www.womenslaw.org/
It discusses housing and tenant law by state as well as other issues like restraining orders etc
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Does the DV help line help you find a place to move to?
Reach out to them and find out! Women I know who have used them have told me that they help with everything, and mostly with helping you think through things safely and calmly and to know your rights. Yeah, he has a right to have "fun,"
, and you have rights too!!
Stay safe, you're being very brave.
Peace,
B.
Reach out to them and find out! Women I know who have used them have told me that they help with everything, and mostly with helping you think through things safely and calmly and to know your rights. Yeah, he has a right to have "fun,"
, and you have rights too!!Stay safe, you're being very brave.
Peace,
B.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Different ones may be able to offer different things. Calling is free and confidential. Resources can vary, along with the knowledge and connections that individuals within an advocate center may have.
I have an upcoming appointment I asked a victims advocate if she can go with me to. I simply need extra support in my life in this area right now. It worked out great with scheduling.
I have an upcoming appointment I asked a victims advocate if she can go with me to. I simply need extra support in my life in this area right now. It worked out great with scheduling.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Good advise above about contacting DV, it's worth a phone call to find out what is available to you.
I think step 1 has to be with you actually deciding it's over because once you have your emotions concretely wrapped around that, the next steps will come with precise determination for a new life for yourself.
I think step 1 has to be with you actually deciding it's over because once you have your emotions concretely wrapped around that, the next steps will come with precise determination for a new life for yourself.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
So the place is in your name. He has used physical and threatening behaviour to intimidate you. You may be in a position to get an order to force him to move out. You won't know this stuff on your own, but DV help organisations can guide you through the steps.
Why should you move when he's the problem? Please don't try and sort this on your own. Seek legal and DV help and you could be very close to having the place to yourself.
Why should you move when he's the problem? Please don't try and sort this on your own. Seek legal and DV help and you could be very close to having the place to yourself.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Amusic, I have not read your previous posts, so please know that I am in no way saying that you are to blame for any of his behavior because you are trying to control an uncontrollable situation. If a situation is chaotic, the NORMAL thing to do would be to try to manage or control the situation -- to fix it. Addiction is not "normal." This guy is not normal -- he doesn't WANT to be healthy. I understand that it's very difficult to watch someone make those choices for themselves.
Everything in bold by trailmix.
Even when you were separating yourself from him he didn't say - I'm on my way to AA to do 90 meetings in 90 days - he said he wanted to do couples counselling.
To me, this is a huge red flag. I'm saying this because I endured the whole "couples counseling" gaslighting technique. Yes, that's right, couples counseling can be a form of gaslighting. It is likely that he suggested it because he thinks that the problem is YOU and your relationship with him, not his drinking. He has no problem with drinking, he has a problem with you. All the counseling will do is get you to shift boundaries for him while he is still selfishly drinking... and anyone who is not in their right mind because they are actively addicted can not do the work of couples counseling, which requires self-searching honestly and compromise. You will be the ONLY one compromising.
He wants to stay in this relationship just the way it is.
He is getting something out of it now. He's in YOUR house, using you for shelter. The fact that he tried to physically move you to the bedroom... when I read that I started to panic because I was afraid you were going to write something worse. It seems like he thinks you are something HE can control.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it.
I agree with this. You only think you can control it or "fix" it. Actually, his addiction is in control.
I think you are really playing with fire here. Any man who would put his hands on his SO to try and get them to follow them somewhere - that's a gigantic problem. He obviously has no boundaries when it comes to physical force. Please be very careful, keep yourself safe.
You won't know what your DV hotline can offer you until you call them and discuss your problem. My DV hotline has helped women move. You can also get a restraining order and remove him from your house. Putting his hands on you and trying to forcibly move you anywhere, banging or bashing doors to make you feel fearful, shouting, ALL of that is abuse.
Everything in bold by trailmix.
Even when you were separating yourself from him he didn't say - I'm on my way to AA to do 90 meetings in 90 days - he said he wanted to do couples counselling.
To me, this is a huge red flag. I'm saying this because I endured the whole "couples counseling" gaslighting technique. Yes, that's right, couples counseling can be a form of gaslighting. It is likely that he suggested it because he thinks that the problem is YOU and your relationship with him, not his drinking. He has no problem with drinking, he has a problem with you. All the counseling will do is get you to shift boundaries for him while he is still selfishly drinking... and anyone who is not in their right mind because they are actively addicted can not do the work of couples counseling, which requires self-searching honestly and compromise. You will be the ONLY one compromising.
He wants to stay in this relationship just the way it is.
He is getting something out of it now. He's in YOUR house, using you for shelter. The fact that he tried to physically move you to the bedroom... when I read that I started to panic because I was afraid you were going to write something worse. It seems like he thinks you are something HE can control.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it.
I agree with this. You only think you can control it or "fix" it. Actually, his addiction is in control.
I think you are really playing with fire here. Any man who would put his hands on his SO to try and get them to follow them somewhere - that's a gigantic problem. He obviously has no boundaries when it comes to physical force. Please be very careful, keep yourself safe.
You won't know what your DV hotline can offer you until you call them and discuss your problem. My DV hotline has helped women move. You can also get a restraining order and remove him from your house. Putting his hands on you and trying to forcibly move you anywhere, banging or bashing doors to make you feel fearful, shouting, ALL of that is abuse.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
if the place is in your name and his name isnt on any paperwork regarding the rent/lease agreement, you should be able to evict him.
if you move out the place is still in your name and youre still responsible for it. he could destroy it.might end up in jail for destruction of property,but you could still be responsible for damages
if you move out the place is still in your name and youre still responsible for it. he could destroy it.might end up in jail for destruction of property,but you could still be responsible for damages
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
The fact that he used force to try to move you and that you had to leave to get away is very likely enough grounds to get a restraining order
That would get him out quick
Check with the DV center and tell them what happened and proceed from there.
Your name is on the lease--remember if you leave, he may trash the place and your credit if he keeps drinking
I also agree this is getting physically dangerous--once he put his hands on you to make you do something, the ante just upped in a very bad way
That would get him out quick
Check with the DV center and tell them what happened and proceed from there.
Your name is on the lease--remember if you leave, he may trash the place and your credit if he keeps drinking
I also agree this is getting physically dangerous--once he put his hands on you to make you do something, the ante just upped in a very bad way
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Originally Posted by Amusic
I can't believe this is my life. It's like he is brain dead. He doesn't give a ****. And now I have to try to dig myself out of this stupid mess.
Please do take steps to protect and advocate for yourself. Your local women's shelter probably has referrals for low/no-cost legal advice re eviction proceedings. Time to kick his a** to the curb.
Stay strong, block his texts, focus on you - best of luck, we're all rooting for you.
SQ
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I can't believe this is my life.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 184
Amusic,
I’m so sorry. Please reach out to a DV hotline in your area—even if you call the national hotline, they can put you in touch with someone locally. You will find advocates who can help with finding temporary housing, getting a PFA/Restraining Order, legal advocacy to get him out of the apartment-since it is in your name only, DV counseling and support services. They’re all crucial.
He was physically abusive with you. The first time you really think about it, it’s overwhelming. I get it.
Please get a safety plan together. Try not to worry about anything other than getting yourself-and your pets if you have them-safe. Understand very clearly that DV escalates (how well I know this) and that by safety planning and making contact with a women’s DV group, you will take steps to work through this.
I understand how you feel and how overwhelming everything seems right now-there are people who can help you—but you have to take the first step and follow through on all the others.
I wish you all the best.
I’m so sorry. Please reach out to a DV hotline in your area—even if you call the national hotline, they can put you in touch with someone locally. You will find advocates who can help with finding temporary housing, getting a PFA/Restraining Order, legal advocacy to get him out of the apartment-since it is in your name only, DV counseling and support services. They’re all crucial.
He was physically abusive with you. The first time you really think about it, it’s overwhelming. I get it.
Please get a safety plan together. Try not to worry about anything other than getting yourself-and your pets if you have them-safe. Understand very clearly that DV escalates (how well I know this) and that by safety planning and making contact with a women’s DV group, you will take steps to work through this.
I understand how you feel and how overwhelming everything seems right now-there are people who can help you—but you have to take the first step and follow through on all the others.
I wish you all the best.
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Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Midwest
Posts: 158
AMusic, you need to get out of there or have him get out. Do not be with him alone any longer. It sounds like you are in a dangerous situation. You need to focus on one thing and that is safely getting him away from you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 106
Thank you for your replies. I agree with you all. Update. I spent another night at a hotel. He ignored me the entire week except for a text to say he felt bad he disappointed me. Followed by Another text telling me to F off because I deleted him and his family from FB. I'm not big on social media but he is an addict of that as well , so I figured anything to get my point across. When I went home he completely ignored me and when I told him again I want him to move out by end of month he huffed and puffed and said that this is all my fault , that I don't want him to have friends and have a good time. He also said that if he wants to come home drunk he should be able to, how is it hurting me? This made me go pretty crazy, I started throwing stuff and yelling at him I told him that I hate him. I told him I don't care if he wants to live that lifestyle he just can not live with me and expect to remain in a functioning relationship while doing so. His best bet is to get his own place and do as he pleases. But he won't take that initiative because he won't be able to afford a place as nice as what I have provided. I'm upset with myself that I was yelling and throwing stuff. I'm so incredibly angry I've had a gut wrenching sick stomach that won't go away and feels like it is eating me alive. I can't eat or barely sleep. I went to the gym last night and worked out for 2 hours nonstop , I've never done that before. He acts all smug and like he is the victim. It's making me physically and mentally sick. I have a had a difficult time ignoring it and him when we are in the same house together. But I guess that's the best thing to do is to ignore him while I try to get out of this. I'm on my now to an Alanon meeting now.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Hi Amusic - well that's rough right there.
So glad you are off to Al-Anon.
When you mentioned the FB thing and getting the point across, did you mean the point that he is no longer welcome in your life?
The whole thing is so dysfunctional, as you know.
From his perspective you are the party killer, the non-drinker who doesn't want to have fun, the "mommy" figure who tries to control him. You do all this and try to keep him away from his alcohol - you are the enemy.
Perhaps there is some clarity deep down where he knows that is illogical thinking, but it's not his main focus right now, for sure.
I hope you manage to get away from him/him away from you. Living with him right now is a recipe for disaster, if of nothing else, your emotional stability and happiness. I'm sorry you are feeling unwell but that's probably part of the stress.
So glad you are off to Al-Anon.
When you mentioned the FB thing and getting the point across, did you mean the point that he is no longer welcome in your life?
The whole thing is so dysfunctional, as you know.
From his perspective you are the party killer, the non-drinker who doesn't want to have fun, the "mommy" figure who tries to control him. You do all this and try to keep him away from his alcohol - you are the enemy.
Perhaps there is some clarity deep down where he knows that is illogical thinking, but it's not his main focus right now, for sure.
I hope you manage to get away from him/him away from you. Living with him right now is a recipe for disaster, if of nothing else, your emotional stability and happiness. I'm sorry you are feeling unwell but that's probably part of the stress.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 106
Originally Posted by trailmix
Hi Amusic - well that's rough right there.
So glad you are off to Al-Anon.
When you mentioned the FB thing and getting the point across, did you mean the point that he is no longer welcome in your life?
The whole thing is so dysfunctional, as you know.
From his perspective you are the party killer, the non-drinker who doesn't want to have fun, the "mommy" figure who tries to control him. You do all this and try to keep him away from his alcohol - you are the enemy.
Perhaps there is some clarity deep down where he knows that is illogical thinking, but it's not his main focus right now, for sure.
I hope you manage to get away from him/him away from you. Living with him right now is a recipe for disaster, if of nothing else, your emotional stability and happiness. I'm sorry you are feeling unwell but that's probably part of the stress.
So glad you are off to Al-Anon.
When you mentioned the FB thing and getting the point across, did you mean the point that he is no longer welcome in your life?
The whole thing is so dysfunctional, as you know.
From his perspective you are the party killer, the non-drinker who doesn't want to have fun, the "mommy" figure who tries to control him. You do all this and try to keep him away from his alcohol - you are the enemy.
Perhaps there is some clarity deep down where he knows that is illogical thinking, but it's not his main focus right now, for sure.
I hope you manage to get away from him/him away from you. Living with him right now is a recipe for disaster, if of nothing else, your emotional stability and happiness. I'm sorry you are feeling unwell but that's probably part of the stress.
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