Dreaming005

I’ve posted here recently that my AH had a relapse a few weeks ago. He’s in an inpatient treatment center now and my MIL has been texting me every day for an update how “how things are going.”

I feel incredibly awkward talking to her about AH- I don’t have very much other than to say I’m hurt and working through things but glad he’s in treatment... I could complain about him for ions, but I refuse to go there with her. I hate talking on the phone under normal circumstances and really just want her to leave me alone, but don’t know how to get the point across. She & my FIL got AH into the program, so I’m grateful for that. BUT they also raised him in a very heavy drinking environment, pushed him to drink, haven’t stopped drinking in front of him (to the point of drunk, not just a glass of wine with dinner). I really want to yell at them - WTF!! - but she puts on this sweet old lady attitude, full of guilt, and I cave and bite my tough.

Need help setting boundaries with the in-laws! I do not want to talk about what’s going on with AH and I- it’s really not their business. Suppose I should just tell her that again - I have in the past. Avoiding probably isn’t the answer...

dafunbra

I'm sorry in laws are adding to the stress you are feeling. Maybe you can tell her, politely, that you don't feel comfortable discussing your husbands recovery with someone else, but that she could certainly discuss it with him to get the answer straight from the source. I agree that the issues between the two of you are no one else's business.

hopeful4

Maybe just tell her that as far as you know he seems fine and you hope he chooses to work the program. Then tell her that any additional information should really come from him as you are not comfortable talking about it anymore than that. And wish them well and move on.

Big hugs!

hearthealth

You can go low contact. Tell her "no new information."

Mango212

MIL has been texting me every day for an update how “how things are going.”

One answer could be:
I'm doing well. Thank you.

http://www.al-anon.org/




Dreaming005, how are you doing? (((hugs)))


Since you have told her before, sometimes silence can be an appropriate response. One day at a time.

Dreaming005

I called and said we were all fine and was vague. She asked about AHs job and I said it was up to him to figure out.

Then she invited my kids over her house on Saturday when their favorite aunt will be there. They all drink excessively when together. I don’t want them there but I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so I just said I’d think about it. Which means more text from MIL. Ugh!!!

trailmix

I would be so tempted to say that you think the kids need a break from being around anyone drinking alcohol. Will there be drinking? May as well proceed as you are going to.

That way you are just stating what is good for your kids right now (and it's the truth). They need stability and routine and clear thinking adults, not a drinking party?

It's ok to say what you mean if you're not saying it mean.

Leelee168

I’m so sorry you are dealing with the added stress of family. They don’t want to help when things are bad and then, when it reaches critical mass, they need information :/

I like Mango’s reply best “I’m doing well, thank you.”

hopeful4

"Thanks for the invite, looks like the kids have other plans. Have a great weekend."

Send that to her and move forward. If she asks what their plans are, don't respond. She is crossing a line if she does that.

Keep taking good care of YOU!

clarity888

I have been/am where you are, as far as relatives go. I usually say "I honestly have no idea; it's not my job to manage so-and-so's recovery, he is working on himself so we've not spoken". Or I tell them "it's something that changes daily, so who knows--progress is slowly made over time". Really people, it's painstakingly day-by-day. I dislike those questions because it's not like a miracle can happen overnight. However, I know usually they want to be supportive or could be anxious. As far as coming to their house for the aunt visit, maybe be honest and say "right now I am not comfortable having my kids in an environment where alcohol is openly consumed, they know it's causing problems for their dad, and that type of message is confusing for them right now".

FeelingGreat

Dreaming, I'm in my 60s and have only lately realised the power of having some pre-formulated responses in difficult situations when you tend to panic and forget what to say.
Some of the responders like Clarity have some good suggestions on how to deflect some of the questions you get and still sound neutral.
Your in-laws are coming from a place of concern and maybe a feeling of buy-in to his recovery, having got him into the program. I assume you want to keep a good relationship with them, so cutting them off or being rude isn't helpful? That's where having a set of responses prepared be useful, always encouraging them to talk directly to your RAH if possible.