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Old 01-03-2019, 06:24 AM
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OT - An Amazing First

This is so wonderful!

https://www.irishtimes.com/news/poli...ence-1.3745471
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Old 01-03-2019, 07:48 AM
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Brilliant and about time.
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Old 01-04-2019, 07:21 AM
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I’m a survivor. In the US, our illustrious lawmakers allowed the Violence Against Women Act to essentially expire; their “stopgap” measure does not include needed funding to keep necessary services in place.

Maybe I should move to Ireland?

Thanks for sharing.
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Old 01-04-2019, 02:14 PM
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I'm a recovering victim of psychological and emotional trauma.

I'm thankful for DV abuse help centers. I'm thankful for victims advocates. I'm thankful for this day, this breath, letting go of the past and moving forward.

mylifeismine, thank you for this thread.
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Old 01-05-2019, 05:30 AM
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Originally Posted by Mango212 View Post
I'm a recovering victim of psychological and emotional trauma.

I'm thankful for DV abuse help centers. I'm thankful for victims advocates. I'm thankful for this day, this breath, letting go of the past and moving forward.

mylifeismine, thank you for this thread.
Everything is always working out for me! All is well mango
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Old 01-05-2019, 07:14 AM
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I am a survivor of abuse. Abuse always starts with grooming (love-bombing).... They are charming. They promise you things. They might even parade you in front of their family and friends -- to show off what a great boyfriend they are. When you talk about their deeds to your friends, it makes them look like marriage material.

Then every time you make a big investment in the relationship, they do something to test your boundaries... to see if you will trust them "even if". To see how far you'll jump. What they really want to see is you jumping off a cliff. The manipulation that allows them to control you may one day not be enough... so they become more and more overtly abusive and then try physical violence. But by then... no one believes that he's like that... so you're stuck.

I am so glad that people are slowly starting to understand what abusers are really like. I have met so many men and women who think that women in abusive relationships are "not feminist" or "have no self-respect" ... but it's more complicated than these statements that actually imply that she deserved it.

Coercive control is the tip of the giant iceberg of doom.
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Old 01-05-2019, 11:07 AM
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Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz View Post
I am so glad that people are slowly starting to understand what abusers are really like. I have met so many men and women who think that women in abusive relationships are "not feminist" or "have no self-respect" ... but it's more complicated than these statements that actually imply that she deserved it.
I agree and I also think this will be hard to prove. I also don't think that most people do understand. I think it takes life experience to understand. In fact it's not that different from someone who doesn't understand alcoholism, if you haven't seen it, if you haven't experienced it you don't understand the science or the dynamics.

Some people have a hard time identifying what others go through. I think it's easy when you are sitting somewhere, financially secure, employed, relatively happy and enjoying your life to look at a situation and say, why doesn't she just walk out, living on the street would surely be better?

They don't go on to think, hmm I wouldn't want to live on the street and have no support and not a blanket to sleep under. Then of course there is the dynamic of having probably gone through abuse for years and having your self-esteem and sanity tested.

I hope people take the time to listen.
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Old 01-05-2019, 04:10 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Some people have a hard time identifying what others go through. I think it's easy when you are sitting somewhere, financially secure, employed, relatively happy and enjoying your life to look at a situation and say, why doesn't she just walk out, living on the street would surely be better?

They don't go on to think, hmm I wouldn't want to live on the street and have no support and not a blanket to sleep under. Then of course there is the dynamic of having probably gone through abuse for years and having your self-esteem and sanity tested.

I hope people take the time to listen.
This is so very true. I was/am financially secure, employed, and for all appearances had a good life—aside from the abusive relationship (which no one knew about). We owned a brand new home outright and I had one half of the equity in it, which I paid for. How do you walk away from that? People always said for me to walk away from the home and all of my things—and then what? Start over with nothing?

It’s so very complicated. Even after he was removed, there was an 8 month fight in the court system that cost so much money. Today, I am safe and I own the home; I have never been so happy to have a mortgage payment again in my life.
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Old 01-05-2019, 04:38 PM
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To me this is the beginning of bringing some legitimacy to the
abuse that is verbal -emotional - psychological. People in general
can understand physical abuse- and know that it is wrong for
many reasons AND it is against the law. This will make the other
kinds of abuse that are just as damaging, and I would say more so,
against the law. It will become a "common" knowledge of what it
is and it's effects on people, how it is wrong, how to recognize it,
what to do about it. This law can take the "blinders" off so people
might no longer say "well at least he never hit me" all the while
he was using intimidation, gaslighting, threats, humiliation, etc.
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Old 01-07-2019, 04:22 PM
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"They don't go on to think, hmm I wouldn't want to live on the street and have no support and not a blanket to sleep under."

I remember reading about a woman whose husband threw alcohol on her and tried to set her on fire. The DA fired a restraining order on her husband. The wife went to court and begged the judge and prosecutor to let her husband come home.
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Old 01-07-2019, 10:17 PM
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Originally Posted by velma929 View Post
"They don't go on to think, hmm I wouldn't want to live on the street and have no support and not a blanket to sleep under."

I remember reading about a woman whose husband threw alcohol on her and tried to set her on fire. The DA fired a restraining order on her husband. The wife went to court and begged the judge and prosecutor to let her husband come home.
Yes, there is also Stockholm Syndrome and a number of other mental issues that come in to play when a person has been abused.

Nothing straight forward about just "walking out the door" in those cases at all.

People do overcome it though, we see success here all the time of people who are able to leave their Husbands or wives that have been abusive. Takes courage for sure.
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Old 01-08-2019, 02:46 PM
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I think about the younger generations coming up and how this will
be a part of their understanding in relationships of what constitutes
abuse. Currently it is recognized by society/laws as physical only,
but this means kids growing up today will understand much more
about what a healthy relationship is and what to run from when
they see it.
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Old 01-08-2019, 03:38 PM
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Originally Posted by mylifeismine View Post
I think about the younger generations coming up and how this will
be a part of their understanding in relationships of what constitutes
abuse. Currently it is recognized by society/laws as physical only,
but this means kids growing up today will understand much more
about what a healthy relationship is and what to run from when
they see it.
I hope so. Hope. Sadly, a lot of women [mostly] still would rather be in a lousy relationship than no relationship at all. It isn't that we don't recognize poor behavior. We see 1) only what we want, sometimes, and 2) don't want to be alone.

I moderated a Facebook page, and one of the things that regularly popped up was police busts of drug dealers. I remember one in particular in which the arrest individual already had a felony conviction for drug dealing. He was stopped for illegal attachment of plates, I think. Then police searched the car and found more drugs, and of course... a gun. First come the congrats to the police for getting more 'scum' off the street. But you can count the minutes until the girlfriend posts... "_____ was in the wrong place at the wrong time, he was just getting his life together, and he's a great dad to Little ___"

I cried, i literally did, that in the 21st century a young woman still saw this as a viable lifestyle. I cried for a little kid who quite likely was going to grow up with a dad cycling in and out of jail. I don't know if he put up a good show, and she naively believed him.

I guess what I'm saying is that making this actionable is one thing. Convincing women that being alone is preferable to partnering up with an abuser or addict is another. It's bigger. It's the root of the issue, along with identifying abusers before they get attached to you (because leaving an abuser who's invested in you is dangerous, too.)
One of my former colleagues was murdered by her husband weeks after she left him.

I still remember a woman who told me something must be wrong with me because I hadn't 'caught' a man by my mid-twenties. That attitude has to change, too. Sadly, though my alcoholic husband wasn't abusive, that kind of self-talk probably colored some of my choices in my youth.
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Old 01-08-2019, 04:50 PM
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Yes I think some people forget that it wasn't that long ago that women were chattels and not long ago at all that women didn't have any control over money and in many cases didn't even have a right to inherit money or property (or vote!).

It may SEEM like a long time but it is not that many generations away and these types of roles are passed down through generations. It certainly wasn't that long ago that abuse, mental or physical was just not talked about at all and as we know that's still widespread.

It's time to talk about it, get it out in the open, the shame should not ever be held by the person being abused.
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