Struggling- is this enabling
 

I know I posted this before regarding the sober living cost. I am struggling with do I help pay or not. AC is not asking for the full amount of the rent. Just some towards it.
Adult child is in recovery, chose to go to sober living, working, attending meetings, IOP and meeting with a sponsor.
Doesn't make much contact with us other than a little here and there and then to say rent may be short...
Also made comment that the others in the house get their rent paid for by their parents. House manager said the same thing to me as well..... The rent is more than double my mortgage ....I don't see how parents foot this bill. If AC had an apartment prior to this and was making rent what is the difference... it was just as much as this monthly cost.
I was reading that you don't enable them but he isn't using now. Drug tests are done by the IOP and sober living. Fail and your are out.
So it is still enabling if there is help with the rent??

I don't think it would be inappropriate to help with rent but you do ask a good question.

I don't think of paying rent directly to the house as enabling, necessarily. I am concerned that you are placing yourself in such a financial bind for your adult son. You state that his rent is twice the amount of your mortgage payment. Is that really something you and your husband can afford? Will you have to go without necessities just to pay his rent?

If so, then that is too much IMHO. The late Mr. Seren did pay his son's Sober Living rent, but we could afford to because of his salary. If my stepson asked me to do so now, that would not be possible, and it wouldn't matter whether the manager or counselor told me that "everyone else's parents pay".

Please don't sacrifice your financial security for your adult son's addiction.

You mentioned in your other thread that your son has been spending his money on indulgences instead of necessities. I would not want to be paying the rent for someone who is blowing his money on tattoos and other non-necessities.

I think being a well adjusted adult means prioritizing your funds. If you keep bailing him out he is probably going to keep asking for more. It's manipulative of him to try and guilt you by saying other parents do so. (Even if the house manager who's main priority is keeping his bills paid as well says it's true).

In MY opinion, doing things for adults, that that they are CAPABLE of doing for themselves, but they CHOOSE not to, is indeed enabling poor behavior.

Personally I would choose not to enable the immature and manipulative behavior. I know you are in a tough spot and you just want to help keep your son sober, but please remember, he is the only one that can keep himself sober, no matter what his housing circumstances are. None of it is your responsibility.

Would you be asking if part of you did not already suspect you would be enabling him by giving him more money?

If he has money for tattoos, he has money for rent. You may not be enabling his addiction, but you certainly would be enabling him to avoid the basic responsibilities of adulthood--food, shelter, etc. Sometimes the only way to learn those things is to screw them up royally first. He will get through it--but if you carry him, you only delay the inevitable.

I agree, you're enabling his irresponsible behavior. I wouldn't do it.

If you don't want to pay all or part then don't. It's your choice whether it's enabling or not.

unless i misunderstood, he just got IN to sober living in December....and he is already short on rent??

if you never stop being his fallback plan/bank, what motivation does he have to doing some adulting and learn to pay his own way? part of recovery is learning to become a responsible, productive member of society.

can you say NO to him..........and be ok?

I don't have children, so I understand it's more complicated for you than I can really understand. But this part really bothered me. It strikes me as him being really selfish and taking you for granted. Just an observation.

Take care and I hope you come to a decision that works for you and your family. :)

While I don't think it's enabling to help your kids out, if he works but spends his money on things he doesn't need instead of necessities then it's enabling. My SS is 17, he got a speeding ticket. He got an extension to pay the second one because these tickets are super expensive here. He only works a few days a week and has been blowing all his money on stuff he doesn't need. He asked for money for his ticket. I said no. Sorry bud but the judge gave you 120 days to pay this ticket. YOU chose to spend your money on whatever. That's not my problem. He whined that his license will be suspended. I said "Oh that's too bad, guess grandma will be driving you to school" He called his boss today and asked to pick up a few extra shifts because I'm not budging. He has no bills. I pay everything for him, I'm not paying for a 200.00 speeding ticket that I didn't get.

AC sent me a text tonight complaining about the cost of his copay and Uber... I replied well we all have to pay things we don't want to.
Next I get that he is thinking about quitting IOP... seriously this will be his 3rd that he doesn't go more than a few weeks to...
I reminded AC that the last time he quit he regretted it so I would not quit this one. Plus the deductible is $5000 so I am not happy at all.
As hard as it is and I know I have caused this myself by not following through... we have to tell him there will be no more help from us in anyway if he can't follow through with this IOP. He says it was good for the first 2 weeks then it changed and now it is boring. I recommended he speak to someone there about it and let them know. The program is fairly new so I feel they would want the feedback.

Hummingbird, you should never put your own financial welfare at risk for an adult, especially one who is earning.
I've helped my adult children at various times for good causes like getting married or buying a house, but only after I was satisfied I could afford it. Even so, I felt I was watching what they spent and passing judgement on them for extravagances.
From your latest post it sounds like he's setting himself up for leaving the program. For your own sake it might be worth telling him to either leave or stay, but not involve you in the lead-up. Because he'll do what he wants, whatever you say and he's only getting you anxious by involving you.
Really, hard as it seems, step away.

If your AC wanted to really be clean and sober--really wanted it more than anything--money would not be an object for him.

If he made a mistake, he would admit it and his attitude would be something along the lines of:

"I'm a little bit short on my rent this month. If you could help me out with the $100 sent straight to the landlord, I would really appreciate it! If not, I understand. I am doing X, Y, and Z, to make sure that I'm not short on my rent here in the future."

Instead, he is spending his money on whatever he wants and not what he needs, ensuring he has an excuse to leave the facility. My stepson would complain about things like the food....smh.

I hope to heavens I'm wrong, but it sounds like he's setting himself up to use again.

I agree you shouldn't "help" at this time.
When ever my addict starts with IOP being boring,I know she has basically quit.
Sounds like your son isn't ready to do the work of staying sober yet.

You know when you continue to give your grown child money, when you know it is about wants and not needs (addict or not) you are doing them a disservice.

Yours is a particularly sensitive situation, I totally understand that, you don't want to push him over the edge.

That said, when we continue to support our children for any particular lark of the day, they will never learn to stand on their own two feet and that is a negative for them that we participate in.

It's not easy! Saying no to your child that is struggling (even if they wouldn't be if it weren't for reckless spending - that is their perception) will probably have some fall out, all you can do is say it as kindly and firmly as you can and let it go. You are not an ATM.

Is it possible for you to put a dollar figure on an amount that will not cause you financial hardship and tell your son that this is what you have available to pay to the sober living place? (E.g. “I can assist you with $100 per month for the next five months, and I’ll pay it directly to the management of Sober Home. Beyond that, I won’t be able to give you more money”). I understand wanting to encourage him to stay in his recovery path but not wanting to enable, so the amount should be something that you can afford, not just what he wants.

The “rehab is boring” also sounds like a yellow flag to me. Yes, so life when not drunk is sometimes boring. What part of that is a problem for him?

I too get a huge flag on this. I say that b/c my XAH surprised the heck out of me when he said he drinks and uses b/c...he get's bored. I will never ever forget it. I was astounded. Here I had been looking at all of these big "why" reasons...and...he is bored. I think that really made a big difference in how I see things.

Sending big hugs to you friend!

My AC was confused on when the rent was due. Thought it was next week before his payday. It is the following week so it seems like he is accepting the responsibility of paying.
Got a text today that one of the house guys got kicked out due to relapsing. I didn't know what to say to that just that I was sorry to hear because I know he had made friends with him. I also said it was sad because unless he gets on track his future won't be good.
My son also met someone while in rehab back a few months ago. She relapsed numerous times already and went into seizures. Was back in rehab and came out and relapsed the same day. He sees how easy it is and he knows because he has been there as well.
Praying he is strong and has his mind set to move forward.

I know I shouldn't but part of me feels like maybe I should just put a little towards the rent as a reward for staying on track but then I feel no I shouldn't because he needs to want this himself and shouldn't need to be "rewarded". If he were to quit IOP then I definitely would not. Thought about using that as a bribe as well but I know it is wrong and it is putting me into a financial strain again.
Why do I always feel like I need to help him so he stays on track! UGH! It is wrong! I know that.

Hey hummingbird. I understand the temptation. I think it feels like you have some control over the situation if you give him money as a reward, but all it really does is set you up for resentments later.

He can do this. He has to learn to do this on his own.

Yes, not only can he, you are actually hurting him if you chip in at this point.

How can he learn the pride of taking care of himself if you never let him. I say "let" because you are his Mother and he has relied on you all of his life (it would seem). It's normal for a child to rely on their Mom.

Then you "cut the apron strings"
Let them "leave the nest"

There is a reason those sayings are ones everyone knows.

Why not allow him to have his freedom from being under your watch, let him take responsibility for himself, don't undermine his confidence in looking after this by himself (which is what he is telling you that he is going to do).

Anyway, that's my take on it.

Do you attend Al-Anon Hummingbird?