Struggling- is this enabling

Old 01-05-2019, 05:54 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 309
I had attended Alanon for years on and off. I should start going again.
Found out through social media my son made an appointment for a tattoo again so yeh that made my decision for me. He is not spending money on booze/drugs but now spending on tattoos. Would rather the tattoos but only after his bills are paid
hummingbird358 is offline  
Old 01-05-2019, 07:00 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
Sober since 10th April 2012
 
FeelingGreat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by hummingbird358 View Post
I had attended Alanon for years on and off. I should start going again.
Found out through social media my son made an appointment for a tattoo again so yeh that made my decision for me. He is not spending money on booze/drugs but now spending on tattoos. Would rather the tattoos but only after his bills are paid
H, I've seen the tattoo thing happen with my own extended family too and it still amazes me! They are often struggling with debt, or with making day to day expenses, yet they seem to be able to afford these expensive tatts.

I can imagine if you'd decided to help him and then seen a fresh tattoo. Your relationship with him would have been more damaged, as tends to happen when money comes into the mix.
FeelingGreat is offline  
Old 01-07-2019, 09:42 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
Member
 
hopeful4's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Relapse is a very real part of it. For so many, they are being forced into recovery so they have no motivation not to relapse b/c they don't want it for themselves. I remember my XAH telling me that when he was in rehab for 30 days all people seemed to talk about was immediately using as soon as they got out.

Bribes are not a part of recovery. It will only make you feel resentful and establish unrealistic expectations. He has to do this, and only he can do it.

Big hugs!

Originally Posted by hummingbird358 View Post
My AC was confused on when the rent was due. Thought it was next week before his payday. It is the following week so it seems like he is accepting the responsibility of paying.
Got a text today that one of the house guys got kicked out due to relapsing. I didn't know what to say to that just that I was sorry to hear because I know he had made friends with him. I also said it was sad because unless he gets on track his future won't be good.
My son also met someone while in rehab back a few months ago. She relapsed numerous times already and went into seizures. Was back in rehab and came out and relapsed the same day. He sees how easy it is and he knows because he has been there as well.
Praying he is strong and has his mind set to move forward.

I know I shouldn't but part of me feels like maybe I should just put a little towards the rent as a reward for staying on track but then I feel no I shouldn't because he needs to want this himself and shouldn't need to be "rewarded". If he were to quit IOP then I definitely would not. Thought about using that as a bribe as well but I know it is wrong and it is putting me into a financial strain again.
Why do I always feel like I need to help him so he stays on track! UGH! It is wrong! I know that.
hopeful4 is offline  
Old 01-07-2019, 10:20 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,247
I get to hear the "well so and so said do it this way" or "they do it that way" and yes the their parents did it/took care of it for them. They are just trying to validate their idea/plan.

I see the question in that now he's in recovery but is he really trying to recover or is he appeasing someone wether it be a court, friend or family member. Does he really really want sobriety or is this a vacation of sorts.

On one hand you don't want the pressures of bill paying to distract from his recovery but learning to deal the routine situations that might cause stress are part of his recovery. Learning to deal with what is. If they're working budgeting along with taking the time to write checks, pay rent in person and on time should be part of their recovery.

As others have said you can't always be the fallback. I've seen that scenario play out and it does not end well especially once a child is still falling back as an adult. Basically they'll wind up taking your efforts for granted and not only expect them but expect to get exactly what they want.
thequest is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:06 PM.