Blogs


Notices

So delusional, so in denial, I feel a fool.

Old 01-01-2019, 02:34 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Originally Posted by Bekindalways View Post
Most of us have been there Glenjo. We humans tend to be experiential learners so just hearing/reading something doesn't really process the way an experience does.

Unfortunately this guy may very well circle back to you when he runs out of other options. As he has experienced you taking him back, he will think he can do it again. I do hope he wanders off in some other direction but he may well try to contact you again.

So sorry your New Years Resolution seems to have been thrust in your face in a painful way . . .ugh.

Please be as kind to yourself as you can through these next days, weeks and months. What your are going through is no joke.

Thank you. I'm going to need to draw on all my strength to look after myself. It's no joke is correct I feel I have allowed myself to be changed by this person who I didn't really know. Need to go back to self care now, but unlike the last time my focus won't be on how to handle him if he returns. I want to move on and block him from my life, while building myself up. I too hope he wanders off in her direction (no coincidence she is single, with her own home car etc, perfect prey and possible place to live).
Glenjo99 is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Glenjo99 For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (01-01-2019), MindfulMan (01-02-2019), OpheliaKatz (01-01-2019), RollTide (01-02-2019), SparkleKitty (01-01-2019)
Old 01-01-2019, 03:28 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
Member
 
trailmix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 6,545
The articles written by Jim L might be of interest to you Glenjo, don't know if you have seen them:

Put away your claws and let go | Recovery Rocks
trailmix is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to trailmix For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (01-01-2019), OpheliaKatz (01-01-2019)
Old 01-01-2019, 03:54 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
 
OpheliaKatz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by MindfulMan View Post
He is beyond disrespectful. His actions display extreme narcissism bordering on being a sociopath. People aren't people to him, merely objects to be played with and hurt. The issues go far beyond his addiction, although if he ever does get sober, he will still be a sociopath. He probably has played similar games with anyone who has tried to treat his addiction.

He's not just a terrible person, he could be downright dangerous, and psychically he IS dangerous.

Be prepared for him to try and woo you back. Narcissists don't like to lose their victims, and can be highly engaging and desirable when they're trying to keep a victim in their clutches. Don't buy it. As soon as you relent and let him back in, he may be nice for a minute, but will hurt you again as soon as he feels that you won't leave.

Unfortunately his best response to you deleting him will be the cold shoulder. Hopefully he will just move on as well.
This. Being sober is unlikely to change his behavior. The new woman is the new target/supply. He will use her too. The "plus" side of that is if he's busy manipulating/brainwashing/grooming her, he will have less time to harass/bully you cause he will have to spread his energy.
OpheliaKatz is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to OpheliaKatz For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (01-01-2019), MindfulMan (01-02-2019)
Old 01-01-2019, 04:09 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
Member
 
trailmix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 6,545
I personally think he is way past being relationship material, for you, for her, for anyone.

He's too far gone.
trailmix is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to trailmix For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (01-01-2019), marie1960 (01-01-2019), PuzzledHeart (01-01-2019)
Old 01-01-2019, 05:30 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by Glenjo99 View Post
Thanks. Yes he comes high on psychopath scale apparently. I have blocked him and his cousin, deleted all numbers and going through pics now and deleting them. It was all false. All a farce. If he tries to make any other contact I will change my number.

Something has changed in me. He actually crapped all over me and although he did before, seeing him do it on new years eve with a girl (probably both laughing at me), has given me the wake up call I need.

Hopefully he won't be any wooing back as you mentioned and we both move on.

​​​​

This is really good to hear - great New Year's resolution.

As for both of you moving on - no way to affect whether he moves on or not, but you certainly have the power to move on, for yourself.
Sasha1972 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Sasha1972 For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (01-01-2019)
Old 01-01-2019, 05:40 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
RIP Sweet Suki
 
suki44883's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 32,568
You are not a fool, glenjo. We all have to come to these realizations in our own time. While everyone here was telling you what you have finally come to accept, you just weren't ready yet. Many of us were guilty of thinking our situation was different...that others just didn't understand, and that our situation would turn out differently.

I am sorry you feel so hurt, but you will get better with time and most importantly, having no contact whatsoever with either him or his cousin. It's a new year...make it a year of taking the very best care of yourself!
suki44883 is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to suki44883 For This Useful Post:
atalose (01-02-2019), Bekindalways (01-01-2019), marie1960 (01-01-2019), SmallButMighty (01-02-2019), trailmix (01-01-2019)
Old 01-01-2019, 07:42 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz View Post
This. Being sober is unlikely to change his behavior. The new woman is the new target/supply. He will use her too. The "plus" side of that is if he's busy manipulating/brainwashing/grooming her, he will have less time to harass/bully you cause he will have to spread his energy.
This is true. He is grooming her now, so doesn't need me now. Thankfully will give me space to move on.
Glenjo99 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Glenjo99 For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (01-02-2019)
Old 01-01-2019, 07:45 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Thanks for replies. I feel so vulnerable, as if I've been opened up and layed bare for all to see. I feel they were laughing at on New year's Eve together. Up to now I had felt my relationship with him was special in it's own way but now he's with someone from the same town as me!

I get anxious at the thoughts of seeing them together in local stores etc. Really wish he lived away from here again, like my face is being rubbed in it now. Any tips on how to manage this kind of stuff? Do I pretend he is gone, ignore him completely if I see him/her.
Glenjo99 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Glenjo99 For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (01-02-2019), OpheliaKatz (01-02-2019)
Old 01-01-2019, 08:36 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Blog Entries: 1
And when we know better, we do better.

Pick yourself up, Brush yourself off, New Day, New Year.

Cheers to a new YOU!
marie1960 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to marie1960 For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (01-02-2019), OpheliaKatz (01-02-2019)
Old 01-01-2019, 09:53 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
Member
 
trailmix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 6,545
Originally Posted by Glenjo99 View Post
Thanks for replies. I feel so vulnerable, as if I've been opened up and layed bare for all to see. I feel they were laughing at on New year's Eve together. Up to now I had felt my relationship with him was special in it's own way but now he's with someone from the same town as me!

I get anxious at the thoughts of seeing them together in local stores etc. Really wish he lived away from here again, like my face is being rubbed in it now. Any tips on how to manage this kind of stuff? Do I pretend he is gone, ignore him completely if I see him/her.
He hooked up with someone for a day, doesn't mean they are getting married. All I'm saying is don't make this out to be more than it is. Remember when you were wondering if you would meet him in an airport some day and he would have a wife and family with him when he was in fact busy getting thrown out of rehabs and living on the street?

The other fact is, you don't know that they were laughing "at" you, there were probably just being stupid and I assume they were drunk?
I would absolutely treat him as though he is not there at all, whether you see him or not. No need to acknowledge him if you meet him by chance.
trailmix is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to trailmix For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (01-02-2019), OpheliaKatz (01-02-2019)
Old 01-02-2019, 01:32 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
He hooked up with someone for a day, doesn't mean they are getting married. All I'm saying is don't make this out to be more than it is. Remember when you were wondering if you would meet him in an airport some day and he would have a wife and family with him when he was in fact busy getting thrown out of rehabs and living on the street?

The other fact is, you don't know that they were laughing "at" you, there were probably just being stupid and I assume they were drunk?
I would absolutely treat him as though he is not there at all, whether you see him or not. No need to acknowledge him if you meet him by chance.
Well he had met her couple of times before apparently and spoke horrendously about her to me but I know what you mean. Yes they would have been drunk. My mind has a way of catastrophising and in my head they will be married etc this year, need to work on that. Going to pretend he doesn't exist now, that he has gone away.
Glenjo99 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Glenjo99 For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (01-02-2019), OpheliaKatz (01-02-2019), trailmix (01-02-2019)
Old 01-02-2019, 02:00 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
No Dogma Please
 
MindfulMan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
Drunk and other things. He's found a new drinking/drugging buddy. He will in turn trash her and move on.

He's young and attractive and apparently quite seductive, rapidly reading your needs and providing them.

As narcissists grow older, their attraction and sexual magnetism fades and they usually end up alone and bitter, as nobody will have anything to do with them.

Time wounds all heels.
MindfulMan is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to MindfulMan For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (01-02-2019), OpheliaKatz (01-02-2019), trailmix (01-02-2019)
Old 01-02-2019, 03:30 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Originally Posted by MindfulMan View Post
Drunk and other things. He's found a new drinking/drugging buddy. He will in turn trash her and move on.

He's young and attractive and apparently quite seductive, rapidly reading your needs and providing them.

As narcissists grow older, their attraction and sexual magnetism fades and they usually end up alone and bitter, as nobody will have anything to do with them.

Time wounds all heels.
Yes a new drinking drugging buddy. I often think about that. How will he cope when his looks fade. I can see him old and alone potentially.
Glenjo99 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Glenjo99 For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (01-02-2019), trailmix (01-02-2019)
Old 01-02-2019, 07:06 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
 
OpheliaKatz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by Glenjo99 View Post
Well he had met her couple of times before apparently and spoke horrendously about her to me but I know what you mean. Yes they would have been drunk. My mind has a way of catastrophising and in my head they will be married etc this year, need to work on that. Going to pretend he doesn't exist now, that he has gone away.
Now, Glenjo... just in case they do get married... keep in mind that he did trash talk her to you. So that means he will have a wife that's he's trash talking to people. The only thing him being married should mean to you is that he has managed to hypnotize a gullible woman down the aisle. The day that she figures out what's really happening will be the day that she shows up on this forum (we hope), saying that she's trapped in an abusive marriage to an addict who possibly has an incurable personality disorder.

Just keep in mind that when and if you do see them in public, that guy you're seeing is actually not the same guy you imagined him to be -- he's an immature, selfish bully that only looks like the guy in your imagination. Just keep that in mind... and don't interact with either one of them. She's currently his puppet or his drinking/drugging buddy, so don't interact with her even out of sympathy.

Time reveals all things. Time will also make him not so attractive. :-)

Have you thought of something to do for you today (or tomorrow?) Maybe do your hair, paint your nails, bake yourself a single serve of chocolate chip cookies, have a jog or do some yoga. Do something that makes you feel valuable and beautiful, because you are.
OpheliaKatz is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to OpheliaKatz For This Useful Post:
atalose (01-02-2019), Bekindalways (01-02-2019), trailmix (01-02-2019)
Old 01-02-2019, 07:42 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz View Post
Now, Glenjo... just in case they do get married... keep in mind that he did trash talk her to you. So that means he will have a wife that's he's trash talking to people. The only thing him being married should mean to you is that he has managed to hypnotize a gullible woman down the aisle. The day that she figures out what's really happening will be the day that she shows up on this forum (we hope), saying that she's trapped in an abusive marriage to an addict who possibly has an incurable personality disorder.

Just keep in mind that when and if you do see them in public, that guy you're seeing is actually not the same guy you imagined him to be -- he's an immature, selfish bully that only looks like the guy in your imagination. Just keep that in mind... and don't interact with either one of them. She's currently his puppet or his drinking/drugging buddy, so don't interact with her even out of sympathy.

Time reveals all things. Time will also make him not so attractive. :-)

Have you thought of something to do for you today (or tomorrow?) Maybe do your hair, paint your nails, bake yourself a single serve of chocolate chip cookies, have a jog or do some yoga. Do something that makes you feel valuable and beautiful, because you are.
Thank you, that post was so helpful. Especially "he's an immature, selfish bully that only looks like the guy in your imagination". You have hit the nail on the head. My image in my mind, and even my dreams last night, is a romantised, caring, loving guy with his face. The reality is different. I'm going to print that out and put it wear I can see it daily!

I won't interact with either of them. I had thought if I saw her on her own I might ask her what she knows about us, or warn her off, but in heinsight I think no contact with either is best. I have walked the dog and been to the gym today. Meeting a friend for coffee later.
Glenjo99 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Glenjo99 For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (01-02-2019), trailmix (01-02-2019)
Old 01-02-2019, 07:56 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 6,188
Originally Posted by Glenjo99 View Post
I have walked the dog and been to the gym today. Meeting a friend for coffee later.
Good for you Glenjo. Somedays you will grieve more than others but that is okay.

Keep it up. One day at a time.
Bekindalways is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Bekindalways For This Useful Post:
trailmix (01-02-2019)
Old 01-02-2019, 08:25 AM
  # 37 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Originally Posted by Bekindalways View Post
Good for you Glenjo. Somedays you will grieve more than others but that is okay.

Keep it up. One day at a time.
Thanks, one day at a time is all I can do. I'm very sad and hurt today, realising that all my illusions have been shattered, but time and what I do during that time will help hopefully.

Reading a book just now about becoming who we really are. This line stood out, "and since it is easier to imagine the 'fantasty' life of the other, we remain stubbornly unsatisfied with our own". It is actually so easy to imagine his fantasy life than to work on my own. Time to change that.
Glenjo99 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Glenjo99 For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (01-02-2019), trailmix (01-02-2019)
Old 01-02-2019, 08:27 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 6,188
Originally Posted by Glenjo99 View Post
"and since it is easier to imagine the 'fantasty' life of the other, we remain stubbornly unsatisfied with our own". It is actually so easy to imagine his fantasy life than to work on my own. Time to change that.
Wow, I love that. My fantasy about my ABF was so so lovely. I can still taste it decades later even though I know it was just a happy, toxic delusion.
Bekindalways is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Bekindalways For This Useful Post:
trailmix (01-02-2019)
Old 01-02-2019, 08:47 AM
  # 39 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Originally Posted by Bekindalways View Post
Wow, I love that. My fantasy about my ABF was so so lovely. I can still taste it decades later even though I know it was just a happy, toxic delusion.
Wow still decades later? Just shows the impact these relationships can have. My fantasy too is amazing, makes me feel warm inside. Problem is it doesn't exist 😂
Glenjo99 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Glenjo99 For This Useful Post:
trailmix (01-02-2019)
Old 01-02-2019, 10:23 AM
  # 40 (permalink)  
Life is good
 
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Marie Kondo: The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up

It works.

It's a continual thing. As stuff comes into our lives, there are always more healthy decisions to make on what we include in our lives, and how.

The actions bring about new skills, feelings and confidence.
Mango212 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:44 AM.