Glenjo99

Thank you. I'm going to need to draw on all my strength to look after myself. It's no joke is correct I feel I have allowed myself to be changed by this person who I didn't really know. Need to go back to self care now, but unlike the last time my focus won't be on how to handle him if he returns. I want to move on and block him from my life, while building myself up. I too hope he wanders off in her direction (no coincidence she is single, with her own home car etc, perfect prey and possible place to live).

trailmix

The articles written by Jim L might be of interest to you Glenjo, don't know if you have seen them:

Put away your claws and let go | Recovery Rocks

OpheliaKatz

This. Being sober is unlikely to change his behavior. The new woman is the new target/supply. He will use her too. The "plus" side of that is if he's busy manipulating/brainwashing/grooming her, he will have less time to harass/bully you cause he will have to spread his energy.

trailmix

I personally think he is way past being relationship material, for you, for her, for anyone.

He's too far gone.

Sasha1972

This is really good to hear - great New Year's resolution.

As for both of you moving on - no way to affect whether he moves on or not, but you certainly have the power to move on, for yourself.

suki44883

You are not a fool, glenjo. We all have to come to these realizations in our own time. While everyone here was telling you what you have finally come to accept, you just weren't ready yet. Many of us were guilty of thinking our situation was different...that others just didn't understand, and that our situation would turn out differently.

I am sorry you feel so hurt, but you will get better with time and most importantly, having no contact whatsoever with either him or his cousin. It's a new year...make it a year of taking the very best care of yourself!

Glenjo99

This is true. He is grooming her now, so doesn't need me now. Thankfully will give me space to move on.

Glenjo99

Thanks for replies. I feel so vulnerable, as if I've been opened up and layed bare for all to see. I feel they were laughing at on New year's Eve together. Up to now I had felt my relationship with him was special in it's own way but now he's with someone from the same town as me!

I get anxious at the thoughts of seeing them together in local stores etc. Really wish he lived away from here again, like my face is being rubbed in it now. Any tips on how to manage this kind of stuff? Do I pretend he is gone, ignore him completely if I see him/her.

marie1960

And when we know better, we do better.

Pick yourself up, Brush yourself off, New Day, New Year.

Cheers to a new YOU!

trailmix

He hooked up with someone for a day, doesn't mean they are getting married. All I'm saying is don't make this out to be more than it is. Remember when you were wondering if you would meet him in an airport some day and he would have a wife and family with him when he was in fact busy getting thrown out of rehabs and living on the street?

The other fact is, you don't know that they were laughing "at" you, there were probably just being stupid and I assume they were drunk?
I would absolutely treat him as though he is not there at all, whether you see him or not. No need to acknowledge him if you meet him by chance.

Glenjo99

Well he had met her couple of times before apparently and spoke horrendously about her to me but I know what you mean. Yes they would have been drunk. My mind has a way of catastrophising and in my head they will be married etc this year, need to work on that. Going to pretend he doesn't exist now, that he has gone away.

MindfulMan

Drunk and other things. He's found a new drinking/drugging buddy. He will in turn trash her and move on.

He's young and attractive and apparently quite seductive, rapidly reading your needs and providing them.

As narcissists grow older, their attraction and sexual magnetism fades and they usually end up alone and bitter, as nobody will have anything to do with them.

Time wounds all heels.

Glenjo99

Yes a new drinking drugging buddy. I often think about that. How will he cope when his looks fade. I can see him old and alone potentially.

OpheliaKatz

Now, Glenjo... just in case they do get married... keep in mind that he did trash talk her to you. So that means he will have a wife that's he's trash talking to people. The only thing him being married should mean to you is that he has managed to hypnotize a gullible woman down the aisle. The day that she figures out what's really happening will be the day that she shows up on this forum (we hope), saying that she's trapped in an abusive marriage to an addict who possibly has an incurable personality disorder.

Just keep in mind that when and if you do see them in public, that guy you're seeing is actually not the same guy you imagined him to be -- he's an immature, selfish bully that only looks like the guy in your imagination. Just keep that in mind... and don't interact with either one of them. She's currently his puppet or his drinking/drugging buddy, so don't interact with her even out of sympathy.

Time reveals all things. Time will also make him not so attractive. :-)

Have you thought of something to do for you today (or tomorrow?) Maybe do your hair, paint your nails, bake yourself a single serve of chocolate chip cookies, have a jog or do some yoga. Do something that makes you feel valuable and beautiful, because you are.

Glenjo99

Thank you, that post was so helpful. Especially "he's an immature, selfish bully that only looks like the guy in your imagination". You have hit the nail on the head. My image in my mind, and even my dreams last night, is a romantised, caring, loving guy with his face. The reality is different. I'm going to print that out and put it wear I can see it daily!

I won't interact with either of them. I had thought if I saw her on her own I might ask her what she knows about us, or warn her off, but in heinsight I think no contact with either is best. I have walked the dog and been to the gym today. Meeting a friend for coffee later.

Bekindalways

Good for you Glenjo. Somedays you will grieve more than others but that is okay.

Keep it up. One day at a time.

Glenjo99

Thanks, one day at a time is all I can do. I'm very sad and hurt today, realising that all my illusions have been shattered, but time and what I do during that time will help hopefully.

Reading a book just now about becoming who we really are. This line stood out, "and since it is easier to imagine the 'fantasty' life of the other, we remain stubbornly unsatisfied with our own". It is actually so easy to imagine his fantasy life than to work on my own. Time to change that.

Bekindalways

Wow, I love that. My fantasy about my ABF was so so lovely. I can still taste it decades later even though I know it was just a happy, toxic delusion.

Glenjo99

Wow still decades later? Just shows the impact these relationships can have. My fantasy too is amazing, makes me feel warm inside. Problem is it doesn't exist 😂

Mango212

Marie Kondo: The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up

It works.

It's a continual thing. As stuff comes into our lives, there are always more healthy decisions to make on what we include in our lives, and how.

The actions bring about new skills, feelings and confidence.