Acceptance
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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Awal, I've learned that you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped, whether they are the A or the partner/spouse/whatever.
This forum keeps reminding me of that.
By all means, you should do whatever you're happy doing.
This forum keeps reminding me of that.
By all means, you should do whatever you're happy doing.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Being happy is immensely important. Becoming aware of how we're feeling, identifying and naming these things, taking note of the little things in life and if we're truly finding joy can become a great guidance system.
Relaxation, authentic feelings and often stepping outside our comfort zones to allow growth can create great transformations in ourselves.
Relaxation, authentic feelings and often stepping outside our comfort zones to allow growth can create great transformations in ourselves.
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 543
Maybe l came across as being smug? Im not feeling that way at all, very far from it. Im just someone who has a problem and has found a way (for now) to cope with it. What l dont need at this point is someone 'raining on my parade' and pointing out in a roundabout way that l shouldn't get complacent. Trust me, l am certainly not. But none of us know whats around the corner so to be in a good place now is all we can ever hope for. Worry when its necessary but lifes to short to worry about what ifs. If living with a AH has taught me anything it is to be more mindful of myself...which is what l am doing. Honeypig you did what was right for you, but it seems to haunt you. Thank you for your warning but l will see how my story unfolds as we go along...Mango, glad to hear you are giggling, its the best medicine! Best wishes to you both x x
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No one here is ~or will~ tell you what to do in YOUR life, awal. None of us pretends to be so all-knowing.
And look, my entire 2018 was an advanced class on Learning To Live In The Now - I'm earning my Masters. I practice this daily.
I live here, Now, fully aware that I am evolving & what my truth is today may change tomorrow. I'm using this time to build my skills to always be able to trust & rely on Me solely & plan my next steps. I'm observing & adapting. The demons I have faced down this year were not at ALL what I expected, I would have never painted the picture this way in my wildest dreams.
What I am NOT doing, is living in this and pretending that anything is different than what it is because THAT is denial. It's a mess. I know it, my husband knows it, our daughter is fully aware. We talk about it & how every day, we're each just doing our best to do the next right thing.
This is your opinion awal - not a fact. I happen to disagree - we each have different breaking points or "bottoms". We each have our own story, but it is in recognizing the similarities that help us grow, not focusing on the differences. I do believe that's all anyone, especially honeypig, has been trying to point out. The LAST thing I've ever gotten out of anything she's ever posted is that she is in ANY way haunted by her decision to leave her marriage. If you think that, you aren't taking the time to actually hear her story.
And look, my entire 2018 was an advanced class on Learning To Live In The Now - I'm earning my Masters. I practice this daily.
I live here, Now, fully aware that I am evolving & what my truth is today may change tomorrow. I'm using this time to build my skills to always be able to trust & rely on Me solely & plan my next steps. I'm observing & adapting. The demons I have faced down this year were not at ALL what I expected, I would have never painted the picture this way in my wildest dreams.
What I am NOT doing, is living in this and pretending that anything is different than what it is because THAT is denial. It's a mess. I know it, my husband knows it, our daughter is fully aware. We talk about it & how every day, we're each just doing our best to do the next right thing.
Originally Posted by awal
If you loved that man, had history of good times and still having good times with him its a whole different situation
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Location: Midwest
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Awal, FireSprite is right--"haunted" is about the LAST word I'd choose to describe my life now. I'm not sure what threads you were reading if that's what you think I was saying.
The rain will fall on your parade eventually, whether you believe it will or not. I'm just telling you that carrying an umbrella is a damn good idea. Me and a whole bunch of others who've been down this path already.
Done talking. Good luck.
The rain will fall on your parade eventually, whether you believe it will or not. I'm just telling you that carrying an umbrella is a damn good idea. Me and a whole bunch of others who've been down this path already.
Done talking. Good luck.
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Join Date: Aug 2018
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Originally Posted by honeypig 
Awal, FireSprite is right--"haunted" is about the LAST word I'd choose to describe my life now. I'm not sure what threads you were reading if that's what you think I was saying.
The rain will fall on your parade eventually, whether you believe it will or not. I'm just telling you that carrying an umbrella is a damn good idea. Me and a whole bunch of others who've been down this path already.
Done talking. Good luck.
The rain will fall on your parade eventually, whether you believe it will or not. I'm just telling you that carrying an umbrella is a damn good idea. Me and a whole bunch of others who've been down this path already.
Done talking. Good luck.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
Originally Posted by Awal
Thank you but l don't think luck comes into it.
My ex was involved in a deadly accident while intoxicated. You can't imagine how much one's life can change because of one bad decision on the part of someone else. And bad decisions are pretty common with alcoholics.
You seem pretty sanguine about your husband. Perhaps he isn't an alcoholic. Perhaps he is someone who just likes to drink a bit and not have anyone tell him what to do. If that's the case, it probably is best that you are working to stop allowing it to affect your mood. But then it may also be the case that maybe this forum isn't the best place for you to expend your energy.
For many of us here are haunted by the alcoholics of our past, and have worked hard at our own recoveries. This is the experience that we have to share, and it doesn't seem to match your own experience.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Lol.
Changing views, one day at a time.
Enjoy this day.
"Thank you" is powerful on it's own. We don't need to agree with others. 'Take what you like and leave the rest' becomes a way to focus on our own recovery in a very healthy, strong way. When we leave alone what we don't like, it helps us learn to focus in this way in other areas of our lives. It's a great tool that allows focus on what is helping us in this moment.
As I practice these principles I learned at Al-anon and from a double-winner (AA and Al-anon recovery), life becomes easier. As I post this, it reinforces it this and how I approach this afternoon.
Changing views, one day at a time.
Enjoy this day.
"Thank you" is powerful on it's own. We don't need to agree with others. 'Take what you like and leave the rest' becomes a way to focus on our own recovery in a very healthy, strong way. When we leave alone what we don't like, it helps us learn to focus in this way in other areas of our lives. It's a great tool that allows focus on what is helping us in this moment.
As I practice these principles I learned at Al-anon and from a double-winner (AA and Al-anon recovery), life becomes easier. As I post this, it reinforces it this and how I approach this afternoon.
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
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Originally Posted by Needabreak;7100099You seem pretty sanguine about your husband. Perhaps he isn't an alcoholic. Perhaps he is someone who just likes to drink a bit and not have anyone tell him what to do. If that's the case, it probably is best that you are working to stop allowing it to affect your mood. But then it may also be the case that maybe this forum isn't the best place for you to expend your energy.
For many of us here are [B
For many of us here are [B
haunted[/B] by the alcoholics of our past, and have worked hard at our own recoveries. This is the experience that we have to share, and it doesn't seem to match your own experience.
There's a huge difference in how different people "drink every day," and what's socially acceptable is at least partially cultural. If an Italian had a glass of wine at lunch and two at dinner on a daily basis, most people in Italy wouldn't bat an eye. However, no matter where you are, it's clear that someone who's drinking an handle of vodka a day has a drinking problem.
The real questions is....what are the consequences of drinking? For the alcoholic/addict, that question is direct. For someone in some kind of relationship with a drinker/user, it's a similar question. What about their behavior due to their drinking/using do you find unacceptable? For the glass-of-wine a day drinker, the consequences are probably minimal, obviously far greater for the handle+-a-day drinker, both for themselves and their partners. Is the drink-a-day (or bump of cocaine, or whatever) person dependent on their drug-of-choice, in that they would experience some sort of withdrawal if they stopped suddenly? Or are they an "addict/alcoholic?" There's really no bright line test for the distinction...and does it really matter?
The REAL question for any addict is...what are the consequences? I met a great addiction expert (himself a recovered heroin addict, now a decorated academic running a rehab program and a department at UCLA) who said if your drug/alcohol use is without negative consequences, or if they are completely minimal, then for all means, keep drinking/using if you enjoy it. The decision to recover is rationally based on consequences, not on any perceived definition of "how much of a problem" a person has.
To the OP...think about what the consequences are to your husband's drinking, and I mean the consequences to YOU. He has his own journey, and I think separating the two is very healthy. Can you, or do you want to continue, to tolerate these consequences? If the answer is a clear yes, then, at least for now, to me your approach works just fine. Honeypig's story is not your story, and the consequences may have been far different in her case. BOTH stories are valid, and both approaches (detaching and staying or finally getting the hell out of Dodge) are also valid. Just don't try to sugar-coat these consequences if they are indeed something you truly don't want to accept and live with.
What are you sacrificing at the altar of this relationship? Is it worth it? Only you can really make that decision. But in order to make it, you have to rationally and honestly evaluate what are the effects of his drinking and how they affect you. Here outside opinions can definitely help....but they are only opinions and shared experience. Treat them as data, not ultimatums.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Good stuff overall.
Yet ---
I hear you, Awal! I see how far you've come in a very short time. Positive forward momentum.
There are many ways to heal. No one path.
I'm experiencing the Abraham Hicks/law of attraction methods line-jumping life to more, bigger, fun that also strengthens and enables me to deal with everything.
Yet ---
I hear you, Awal! I see how far you've come in a very short time. Positive forward momentum.
There are many ways to heal. No one path.
I'm experiencing the Abraham Hicks/law of attraction methods line-jumping life to more, bigger, fun that also strengthens and enables me to deal with everything.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Originally Posted by MindfulMan
but they are only opinions and shared experience. Treat them as data, not ultimatums.
We learn, about ourselves and other people.
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 330
I very much understand where you're at Awal. xx
Reaching a place of acceptance for me has been about getting clear on exactly what I am most afraid of. It was trauma that lead me to and through these questions.
Similar to you, having come to terms with the answers, I choose to focus on my wellbeing and focus on the positives. I choose to stay with my partner who is an alcoholic - and focus on his positives too.
I come back here and read the stories because I still relate to the pain and sadness which I feel at times because I was deeply hurt - I am still recovering from that pain. As we all are - whether it's been from a relationship or FOO... It's a process for us all ..... for the ones who stay in their relationships and for the ones who leave. I believe this is what Awal meant with the word haunted... We're still recovering from that old pain that wounded us whilst we were right in the thick of it with our alcoholics. We move forward yes - we get stronger - every day - but a trigger is a trigger. Old painful memories don't disappear. This is what is so good about this forum - we trigger each other from time to time - we learn from each other.
When you can find your own inner calm, then you have found a powerful way to live. The negative stuff that the A does doesn't consume you the way it once did. You notice it less. You still love them, you still have good times with them, but you're more interested in focusing on the positives and you feel better, you feel good. This is where Awal is at by the sounds. She has discovered a powerful way to live in the here and now.
If I were to break up with my partner now - having learned everything I have - I would leave him with peace in my heart...because I've grieved him from inside this relationship. And now I'm recovering - and seeing the newness. The newness of him. And having a better relationship as a result. Yes - he might die younger than I'd like but who knows what will happen in the future ! It doesn't matter.
My stepdad recently got diagnosed with alzheimer's - how does one deal with that ?- by worrying every moment about the future - the fact that his mind is deteriorating - it breaks my heart but I love him and want to be the best version of myself for the man who raised me since I was two years old. If I focus on his condition - then I'm going to be terrible company for him and I'm going to feel miserable all the time. I privately grieve for my stepdad whilst he's alive - and I'm reaching for peace with this too. I'm learning to see the positives everywhere I look now.
I'll bet Awal's husband is feeling more at ease around her now because of this good place she's in - I bet he does more for her - he might even quit drinking one day - it doesn't matter, it's not the end goal. It's all about the here and now. That's all there ever is. And if someone is feeling good - I think we should embrace that.
Eckart Tolle on acceptance and surrender:
Always say “yes” to the present moment. What could be more futile, more insane, than to create inner resistance to what already is? what could be more insane than to oppose life itself, which is now and always now? Surrender to what is. Say “yes” to life — and see how life suddenly starts working for you rather than against you.~ Eckhart Tolle
xxx
Reaching a place of acceptance for me has been about getting clear on exactly what I am most afraid of. It was trauma that lead me to and through these questions.
Similar to you, having come to terms with the answers, I choose to focus on my wellbeing and focus on the positives. I choose to stay with my partner who is an alcoholic - and focus on his positives too.
I come back here and read the stories because I still relate to the pain and sadness which I feel at times because I was deeply hurt - I am still recovering from that pain. As we all are - whether it's been from a relationship or FOO... It's a process for us all ..... for the ones who stay in their relationships and for the ones who leave. I believe this is what Awal meant with the word haunted... We're still recovering from that old pain that wounded us whilst we were right in the thick of it with our alcoholics. We move forward yes - we get stronger - every day - but a trigger is a trigger. Old painful memories don't disappear. This is what is so good about this forum - we trigger each other from time to time - we learn from each other.
When you can find your own inner calm, then you have found a powerful way to live. The negative stuff that the A does doesn't consume you the way it once did. You notice it less. You still love them, you still have good times with them, but you're more interested in focusing on the positives and you feel better, you feel good. This is where Awal is at by the sounds. She has discovered a powerful way to live in the here and now.
If I were to break up with my partner now - having learned everything I have - I would leave him with peace in my heart...because I've grieved him from inside this relationship. And now I'm recovering - and seeing the newness. The newness of him. And having a better relationship as a result. Yes - he might die younger than I'd like but who knows what will happen in the future ! It doesn't matter.
My stepdad recently got diagnosed with alzheimer's - how does one deal with that ?- by worrying every moment about the future - the fact that his mind is deteriorating - it breaks my heart but I love him and want to be the best version of myself for the man who raised me since I was two years old. If I focus on his condition - then I'm going to be terrible company for him and I'm going to feel miserable all the time. I privately grieve for my stepdad whilst he's alive - and I'm reaching for peace with this too. I'm learning to see the positives everywhere I look now.
I'll bet Awal's husband is feeling more at ease around her now because of this good place she's in - I bet he does more for her - he might even quit drinking one day - it doesn't matter, it's not the end goal. It's all about the here and now. That's all there ever is. And if someone is feeling good - I think we should embrace that.
Eckart Tolle on acceptance and surrender:
Always say “yes” to the present moment. What could be more futile, more insane, than to create inner resistance to what already is? what could be more insane than to oppose life itself, which is now and always now? Surrender to what is. Say “yes” to life — and see how life suddenly starts working for you rather than against you.~ Eckhart Tolle
xxx
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Join Date: Aug 2018
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Surfbee, you totally get where l'm at. Your comment about my husband being more relaxed around me now is absolutely spot on. In fact tonight just as l went to kiss him goodnight before coming to bed he hugged me and said "you seem so different just lately, and l like the new you". So my more carefree behaviour is having a knock on effect to his behaviour too just as my previous negative attitude brought out a negative response from him.
In the end we all have to do what is right for us, and l prefer to look for the sunshine in my life today instead of worrying about the storm clouds that may lie ahead
"The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.” ~ Buddha
In the end we all have to do what is right for us, and l prefer to look for the sunshine in my life today instead of worrying about the storm clouds that may lie ahead
"The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.” ~ Buddha
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I think the bottom line here is being true to yourself.
If something historically hurt you (as Surfbee mentions), you can work to overcome those hurts, absolutely, this is true in all relationships. When the hurt is ongoing and you decide to change yourself so it will no longer hurt you, that can be a problem going forward.
I think the realistic part is, how far away from a really fulfilling and rich relationship do you want to be. Not need to be or settle for - in particular I use the word - want.
I completely agree that distancing/detaching is a real thing and can be accomplished. If you can really deal with all involved in being in a relationship with an alcoholic, there should be no reason to detach.
Detaching requires you to change yourself/your reactions and your outlook. Now, some of those things might be really good to change! Maybe a person is too intertwined with their SO, maybe they don't have enough personal space. Maybe their SO's opinion is too important, over-riding their own etc etc
On the other hand, expecting to be treated with consideration, respect and having someone have YOUR best interests at heart would seem to me to be romantic relationship 101. Without those basics it can be a pretty hollow relationship.
When you start to modify your expectations, such as those above, where does that leave you. I mean in the long run, I'm not talking about this week. If you basically alter yourself and your behaviour to suit another.
Detaching is not saying, YOU won't change so I will, it's saying, while you get your crap together or I make a decision about what I'm doing here, I'll back away from letting this affect me so much.
Now, if you choose to change yourself to suit another - well that is, of course, a completely different thing and also entirely your prerogative and I personally have no beef with that at all but it does have repercussions.
If something historically hurt you (as Surfbee mentions), you can work to overcome those hurts, absolutely, this is true in all relationships. When the hurt is ongoing and you decide to change yourself so it will no longer hurt you, that can be a problem going forward.
I think the realistic part is, how far away from a really fulfilling and rich relationship do you want to be. Not need to be or settle for - in particular I use the word - want.
I completely agree that distancing/detaching is a real thing and can be accomplished. If you can really deal with all involved in being in a relationship with an alcoholic, there should be no reason to detach.
Detaching requires you to change yourself/your reactions and your outlook. Now, some of those things might be really good to change! Maybe a person is too intertwined with their SO, maybe they don't have enough personal space. Maybe their SO's opinion is too important, over-riding their own etc etc
On the other hand, expecting to be treated with consideration, respect and having someone have YOUR best interests at heart would seem to me to be romantic relationship 101. Without those basics it can be a pretty hollow relationship.
When you start to modify your expectations, such as those above, where does that leave you. I mean in the long run, I'm not talking about this week. If you basically alter yourself and your behaviour to suit another.
Detaching is not saying, YOU won't change so I will, it's saying, while you get your crap together or I make a decision about what I'm doing here, I'll back away from letting this affect me so much.
Now, if you choose to change yourself to suit another - well that is, of course, a completely different thing and also entirely your prerogative and I personally have no beef with that at all but it does have repercussions.
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Originally Posted by Awal
"you seem so different just lately, and l like the new you"
It's kind of my point: l like the new you
You know what, the former you, is ok too!!
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Join Date: Aug 2018
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Originally Posted by Needabreak
Oh, I think luck definitely has a lot to do with it.
My ex was involved in a deadly accident while intoxicated. You can't imagine how much one's life can change because of one bad decision on the part of someone else. And bad decisions are pretty common with alcoholics.
You seem pretty sanguine about your husband. Perhaps he isn't an alcoholic. Perhaps he is someone who just likes to drink a bit and not have anyone tell him what to do. If that's the case, it probably is best that you are working to stop allowing it to affect your mood. But then it may also be the case that maybe this forum isn't the best place for you to expend your energy.
For many of us here are haunted by the alcoholics of our past, and have worked hard at our own recoveries. This is the experience that we have to share, and it doesn't seem to match your own experience.
My ex was involved in a deadly accident while intoxicated. You can't imagine how much one's life can change because of one bad decision on the part of someone else. And bad decisions are pretty common with alcoholics.
You seem pretty sanguine about your husband. Perhaps he isn't an alcoholic. Perhaps he is someone who just likes to drink a bit and not have anyone tell him what to do. If that's the case, it probably is best that you are working to stop allowing it to affect your mood. But then it may also be the case that maybe this forum isn't the best place for you to expend your energy.
For many of us here are haunted by the alcoholics of our past, and have worked hard at our own recoveries. This is the experience that we have to share, and it doesn't seem to match your own experience.
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Join Date: Aug 2018
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Of course he does! He gets to drink when he wants to without you getting upset about it.
It's kind of my point: l like the new you
You know what, the former you, is ok too!!
It's kind of my point: l like the new you
You know what, the former you, is ok too!!
RIP Sweet Suki
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If Awal has found a way to be comfortable within her marriage, I think everyone should accept that. She is the one living her life and if she is happy, then let her be happy!
I am glad you are happy, Awal. (((HUGS)))
I am glad you are happy, Awal. (((HUGS)))
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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I think that is a misunderstanding here, I am happy Awal is happy and also that Surfbee is happy! I can't believe that anyone here would ever begrudge someone their happiness.
This is clearly a case of miscommunication.
I would like to think that we can have these discussions but I guess not?
I wish EVERYONE well!
This is clearly a case of miscommunication.
I would like to think that we can have these discussions but I guess not?
I wish EVERYONE well!
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