So...I’ll say it
 

...at the suggestion of the people answering my other thread, in the Alcoholism section...I post here.
I’m inlove with an alcoholic. I’m married, ****** marriage and everything, no excuses; he was “an affair”. But I really really need help to get out of this roller coaster.
He is as he is, I made many good things for him (like paying for his rehab without him even knowing) and also some ugly things (like pushing him into drinking as a revenge). It’s very hard for me to talk about this, I have to extinct this extremely toxic situation and I really can’t find the strenght to do it.

Hi FutureYesterday,
Welcome :wavey:

Well, the good thing is you are seeking help and admitting your own shortcomings and seem like you're ready to face the consequences of all that and get off the crazy train you jumped on!

I needed therapy, AlAnon, and reading lots of books to help me change into the person I want to be...it's not easy but sooooo worth it.

Have you ever tried therapy? I really needed that objective healthy observer and that safe space to be brutally honest with myself and learn some tools to reshape my life.

Glad you're here - stick around, collectively we have seen everything so be assured you're not alone.
Peace,
B.

Welcome to SR! You will find a lot of support here. We all understand what you are going through.

Please, please do not believe that anything you say or do will cause him to drink (revenge drinking). That is just NOT true! He drinks because he wants to drink. That is what alcoholics do. It is never your fault!

Hi FY, glad you found the friends and family forum! I actually replied in your other thread but just wanted to say hi and I hope you will read around this side of the forums, lots of wisdom in those threads.

Yes, you don't "make" him drink, oh if it was only that easy if anyone had the power to make a drinker drink or not drink, just doesn't happen.

You didn't Cause it, can't Cure it and can't Control it.

This guy was an affair and he's an addict. No judgement. I just think you're going after someone who isn't available both legally and emotionally. Does that make sense? Do you think if you love him enough or help him enough, that he will suddenly become the man you think he will become? Because the answer is: probably not. He has to want to change for himself in order to change. Paying for things for him (even in secret) is only going to give him the message that he can take advantage of you financially... eventually.

A book that might help you is "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood.

FY, you've taken the first step of wanting to leave the relationship. That's important, even if you don't currently have the tools to take action.
I'm guessing he fills an important part of your life that you're missing in your marriage. Maybe concentrate on that thought, and also try to look at him objectively as a human, not something on the pedestal you gave him when you fell in love with him. Use a counsellor if you can, to clarify your thoughts.

Wow, thank you all for your kind replies.
I read Robin Norwood’s book years ago, maybe I should read it again.

I have years of therapy behind me. I know myself very well, I know exactly why I started this relationship, I know what’s wrong in my marriage, I know what I was searching for and why I am drawn by this kind of stories. But knowing it’s not enough. Rationally, I can see it all, emotionally....I can’t detach.

The relationship is basically over. I’ve seen him a few times in the lasta months, he is blocked but he sometimes writes me from antoher no and then I engage into a very toxic dialogue in wich he tell me he loves me in all possible ways and I tell him he’s an *******...and this lasts for days as I sooo like drama and conflict.

I don’t even know if alcohol is the main problem, there are certain ways of him seeing life to wich I’ll never agree but I’m sometimes scared that i’ll never find this kind of connection in my life again. Emotionally and sexually.

In the last 7 months he managed somehow to keep his head above the water level, he found a job, he’s somehow normal even though he still drinks and he says he’s in control. There were a few times where he said he’s losing it and that “is happening again” but he managed to escape it.

He started again to write me and tell me all sorts of nice things and it is quite complicated to resist when ...well, my emotional life is quite empty.
At least I’m sure I won’t see him.

Thank you for not throwing rocks.

I can tell you that fear of not meeting anyone you connect with emotionally or sexually as much as you did with the addict is huge. It's kept me involved, and I've noticed a few other people mention something similar reading over posts in the last few months here. I too wish I could break that.

In the initial stages of the relationship, I also thought that there was no one I could connect to emotionally or sexually as well as the addict.

Addicts love-bomb you in the initial stages of the relationship -- this can last anywhere from 2 weeks to 2 years. It's easy to get stuck in toxic relationships if you're lonely to begin with -- people need people. But after about a decade, you'll find yourself one day living with a man who is actually a total stranger, because you were not looking at the whole man, just a part of him that he wanted to be or wanted you to think he could be. You also wanted it too. The reason you wanted to desperately for him to be anyone... is because your cup is empty and always has been empty.

You'll find yourself, as I had found myself, living with a stranger who you only have sex with because you think you have to, who doesn't fulfill you emotionally at all. Then you realize that you were filling your cup with air -- at least, that is what I realized.

Addiction is progressive. Not every lonely person is a codependent. But being in a relationship with addiction is going to make you into one -- you'll get sick.

Maybe try to re-wire your brain: every time you think about him, do something else, like take a jog, play an instrument... anything to distract you that is also going to be good for you.

Do re-read the Robin Norwood book if you can.

I suppose I am already sick...

You say you can’t cause the drinking, but I think one can push it, at least for binge drinkers like this one.

No, you cannot. Alcoholics use alcohol as a coping mechanism. Whenever they are faced with something difficult, their very first inclination is to grab a drink. That has nothing to do with you or anyone else. You CANNOT push another person to drink.

I hope you will stay strong and not see him. It would be best if you cut off all contact with him. Block him on your phone, email and social media. A wound will take much longer to heal if you keep picking at it.

FutureYesterday…...I think you can provide them with a good "excuse" to drink...but, you are not the cause.....alcoholism, itself, is the reason that alcoholics drink...….

I really can’t find the strength to do it.

Regardless , whether you believe you can or cannot, you are absolutely correct.

Don’t as in you don’t want to end relationship

Won’t you currently will not end relationship.

Maybe a couple more options to consider?

Please know I m certainly not throwing rocks, I arrived here in 2011, also scared of losing this “ emotional, and sexually “ charged relationship with an active alcoholic.

I am here to tell you ,you most certainly can and you most certainly deserve a healthy invested partner. The only one holding you back is YOU.

Time to figure out what make Future Yesterday tick. I would be having a heart to heart with myself...and that includes being painfully honest with myself....