Alcoholic Partner Left Me
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Join Date: Dec 2018
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Alcoholic Partner Left Me
So, firstly apologies as this will be quite long but then it's been 12 years of my life, so I guess it would be quite long.
I met my OH when I was 20 and we got together quite quickly. We just "clicked" and I felt like I'd found the one. We moved in together and things were good. He drank though, a lot, at least 8 pints a day. Every day. He also did cocaine, and smoked weed. He also probably did a lot more, but that's all I knew about. After around 4 years, he became distant and told me he was depressed. He then told me he didn't love me and no longer wanted to be with me. He was cold and dismissive. I also found out he'd been actively pursuing his ex girlfriend, although nothing had happened. I promptly left, and moved away to live with my mum. I started again, found a new job, made new friends, my own house. I changed my phone number, deleted his number and removed myself from all social media. I was strong.
A year later, he managed to get my number and contacted me. I was firm, told him I wasn't interested but he persisted. I gave in, and he moved in with me. We were happy, he'd stopped doing cocaine but was still drinking. He drank at home, every evening but I just played it off as he was rarely drunk and was never abusive to me.
Anyway we then went onto have our son (who's now 3 years old) and still everything was good. Then his mum passed away due to liver failure (she was an alcoholic too), and he just started slipping into dark depression. This was over a year ago. He started drinking a lot, and literally anything he could get his hands on. He also received a large inheritance which only enabled him to drink more (he's done nothing else with the money, apart from buy alcohol and drugs). Then his friend committed suicide 4 months ago, and when I thought things couldn't get worse, they did. He started going out, and going on 2 day benders and not coming home. He'd like about coming home and then just ignore me. He avoided any contact with me, was dismissive and actually cruel. But I was supportive, and understanding as I just wanted to be there for him. He would go out Thursday night, come home Saturday morning and then just sleep until Sunday night and then go work on Monday. And then repeat. He started doing a lot of cocaine, and also ketamine apparently. He spends his time either on a come down, asleep or on drugs and drunk.
Then on Christmas morning, he told me was unhappy and didn't want to be with me anymore and needed to sort himself out. Our son had just woken up and I didn't want to have this conversation in front of him, so we just pretended all day. Then in the evening, he told me he'd met someone else who could make him happy and just walked out.
I haven't heard anything since (although that was only 3 days ago). His sister said he's found a new flat, and was just really unhappy with me.
I feel so heartbroken, and so confused. I don't know if this is permanent, or whether he just needs time. I feel like he's suggesting I'm the reason for his unhappiness and drinking. I don't know whether I'm crazy for still hoping he'll sort himself out and come back to me the person I loved (and still do). I don't know what to tell our son. I'm just so confused, as I don't understand why if he wanted to sort his life out, why he would be actively pursuing another woman.
I'm sorry for the rant, although I feel a weight has just slightly been lifted just by getting these words out.
I would appreciate any advice.
I met my OH when I was 20 and we got together quite quickly. We just "clicked" and I felt like I'd found the one. We moved in together and things were good. He drank though, a lot, at least 8 pints a day. Every day. He also did cocaine, and smoked weed. He also probably did a lot more, but that's all I knew about. After around 4 years, he became distant and told me he was depressed. He then told me he didn't love me and no longer wanted to be with me. He was cold and dismissive. I also found out he'd been actively pursuing his ex girlfriend, although nothing had happened. I promptly left, and moved away to live with my mum. I started again, found a new job, made new friends, my own house. I changed my phone number, deleted his number and removed myself from all social media. I was strong.
A year later, he managed to get my number and contacted me. I was firm, told him I wasn't interested but he persisted. I gave in, and he moved in with me. We were happy, he'd stopped doing cocaine but was still drinking. He drank at home, every evening but I just played it off as he was rarely drunk and was never abusive to me.
Anyway we then went onto have our son (who's now 3 years old) and still everything was good. Then his mum passed away due to liver failure (she was an alcoholic too), and he just started slipping into dark depression. This was over a year ago. He started drinking a lot, and literally anything he could get his hands on. He also received a large inheritance which only enabled him to drink more (he's done nothing else with the money, apart from buy alcohol and drugs). Then his friend committed suicide 4 months ago, and when I thought things couldn't get worse, they did. He started going out, and going on 2 day benders and not coming home. He'd like about coming home and then just ignore me. He avoided any contact with me, was dismissive and actually cruel. But I was supportive, and understanding as I just wanted to be there for him. He would go out Thursday night, come home Saturday morning and then just sleep until Sunday night and then go work on Monday. And then repeat. He started doing a lot of cocaine, and also ketamine apparently. He spends his time either on a come down, asleep or on drugs and drunk.
Then on Christmas morning, he told me was unhappy and didn't want to be with me anymore and needed to sort himself out. Our son had just woken up and I didn't want to have this conversation in front of him, so we just pretended all day. Then in the evening, he told me he'd met someone else who could make him happy and just walked out.
I haven't heard anything since (although that was only 3 days ago). His sister said he's found a new flat, and was just really unhappy with me.
I feel so heartbroken, and so confused. I don't know if this is permanent, or whether he just needs time. I feel like he's suggesting I'm the reason for his unhappiness and drinking. I don't know whether I'm crazy for still hoping he'll sort himself out and come back to me the person I loved (and still do). I don't know what to tell our son. I'm just so confused, as I don't understand why if he wanted to sort his life out, why he would be actively pursuing another woman.
I'm sorry for the rant, although I feel a weight has just slightly been lifted just by getting these words out.
I would appreciate any advice.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
You are not the reason for his drinking. The reason for his drinking is untreated alcoholism. The other woman is not his savior, she's just something else he is trying other than giving up drinking. And make no mistake--the *real* other woman is alcohol.
Do you have a therapist? You have put up with a lot of behavior that sounds unacceptable in a healthy relationship, and I fear your young son is learning that this is what a relationship is supposed to look like. You may also find the fellowship of Al-Anon to be a comfort and an excellent source of face-to-face support from people who understand exactly what you're going through.
Do you have a therapist? You have put up with a lot of behavior that sounds unacceptable in a healthy relationship, and I fear your young son is learning that this is what a relationship is supposed to look like. You may also find the fellowship of Al-Anon to be a comfort and an excellent source of face-to-face support from people who understand exactly what you're going through.
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Join Date: Dec 2018
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Thank you SparkleKitty for the quick response. I guess I've been in this relationship so long, I don't even know what's normal and what's not and because it's been so up and down I don't even know what relationship we did have. I haven't got a therapist, but I'm going to look for one. I will also look at Al-Anon. Thank you.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Being in a relationship with an addict can be akin to being a frog in a pot of water that starts cold and slowly boils--you don't always realize what you're into until it's too late.
My mother is an alcoholic and I too eventually ended up in a relationship with one. I spent a good deal of time trying to make logical sense out of an illogical condition like alcoholism--expecting them to behave in ways that their addiction simply wouldn't allow them to behave. I learned not to take their addiction, and the way it made them behave, personally--it really didn't have anything to do with me, and in the meantime I had a lot to learn about why I put up with such neglect and disrespect. Educating myself about addiction was one part of it, but dedicated time with a therapist to work through some deeply held beliefs about my own inadequacy was the biggest part of it.
My mother is an alcoholic and I too eventually ended up in a relationship with one. I spent a good deal of time trying to make logical sense out of an illogical condition like alcoholism--expecting them to behave in ways that their addiction simply wouldn't allow them to behave. I learned not to take their addiction, and the way it made them behave, personally--it really didn't have anything to do with me, and in the meantime I had a lot to learn about why I put up with such neglect and disrespect. Educating myself about addiction was one part of it, but dedicated time with a therapist to work through some deeply held beliefs about my own inadequacy was the biggest part of it.
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In the past few days I having been taking a long look at myself, and why I have stayed for so long. And also why I would want to have him back, knowing how he's treated me. Clearly it's not normal. It's very difficult though, as it's truly soul destroying. I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore, as all I have been for the past 6 years is who he's been. I've adjusted myself depending on how he's feeling, or the mood he's in. I've rejected my own needs, and wants, simply to try and be "supportive" to his needs.
I really appreciate your responses. It's hard to talk to my friends as they simply don't understand (even though they do try), as they can't see why I'm so sad about it all.
I really appreciate your responses. It's hard to talk to my friends as they simply don't understand (even though they do try), as they can't see why I'm so sad about it all.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Hi, M
Sorry you are going through this - we all understand the sadness that comes with parting with the addict, after all, we are addicted to them in a way.
You seem to have a lot of clarity - and things will become even more clear with enough time and distance.
Bottom line - you can and will build happy life without the addict
Addicts recover, yes, but I chose to leave mine. He is currently sober
but frequently reminds me with his self centered behaviors why I left him.
You can do this and build a beautiful life for yourself and your son without all the alcoholic drama
Sorry you are going through this - we all understand the sadness that comes with parting with the addict, after all, we are addicted to them in a way.
You seem to have a lot of clarity - and things will become even more clear with enough time and distance.
Bottom line - you can and will build happy life without the addict
Addicts recover, yes, but I chose to leave mine. He is currently sober
but frequently reminds me with his self centered behaviors why I left him.
You can do this and build a beautiful life for yourself and your son without all the alcoholic drama
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 349
In the past few days I having been taking a long look at myself, and why I have stayed for so long. And also why I would want to have him back, knowing how he's treated me. Clearly it's not normal. It's very difficult though, as it's truly soul destroying. I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore, as all I have been for the past 6 years is who he's been
I am so sorry for what you're going through. But this comment above shows great clarity.
He has given you a gift by walking away. Accept it. You already see this after a few days...imagine how clear it will be after a few months. Give yorself the gift of time. Turn inward and heal yourself.
In addition to the great reading you will see recommended here, I spent a lot of time reading Natalie Lue’s writings on Baggage Reclaim. Her focus is healing from dysfunctional relationships without the addiction piece. It helped me to fix the things within myself that allowed me to participate in something so unhealthy.
Best wishes,
-bora
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Join Date: Dec 2018
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It's so nice to hear from people that actually do understand. I've felt like I've been losing my mind today (it's 3pm here). It's especially hard as last time I could just cut off all contact, and essentially start completely fresh. But this time we have a son, and I grew up without a dad so I wouldn't want to stop their relationship (no matter how I feel) but it's hard to deal with things logically and rationally when all you feel is desperate and heartbroken. He's literally left me with no self worth, and he seems to be completely fine. Happy in fact.
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I promptly left, and moved away to live with my mum. I started again, found a new job, made new friends, my own house. I changed my phone number, deleted his number and removed myself from all social media. I was strong
I’ve come to discover that when we feel confusion it is because we are not living in reality but rather holding onto some dream/wish/fantasy life we think we could have with them if only they would x, y or z. There really is nothing confusing about reality at all, it’s just we are not ready to accept it yet.
Just remember that the more chances you give someone the less respect they’ll start to have for you. They’ll begin to ignore your feelings, needs or wants because they know they can, because they know another chance will always be given. They are not afraid to lose you because they know no matter what you’ll take them back and they get comfortable with depending on your forgiveness.
His history with you is your best indicator for his future with you.
Your own history was in becoming a strong independent woman without him, that's the history you want to repeat not the other.
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I'm definitely holding onto some dream/fantasy/wish that he will come back to me, declare his love for me, admit that he's treated me terribly and that he will finally admit and get help. Then my logical mind kicks in, and says "even if he does, would you want him back". My heart aches. And I'm just so exhausted, so ridiculously exhausted with everything. I've spent 2 days essentially flicking between sobbing and being really angry. I know time is a great healer, but I'm struggling to see the light.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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M234...…...you will ve going through a period of grieving....a lot of tears and lots of anger and sadness, and ru minating, etc.....It will feel just terrible, but there is no way around this,. Eventually, slowly, and in fits and starts , it starts to feel better...…
Grieving is the first step toward healing...You Will heal, if you just keep facing forward......
Grieving is the first step toward healing...You Will heal, if you just keep facing forward......
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How do I face forward dandylion? At the moment, I'm trying to keep busy to essentially try and distract myself from it, but then in a moment it comes flooding back and I feel paralysed. This morning, when buying some milk after paying the lady said "have a lovely new year" and I literally started crying. I just feel like I'm broken.
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Hi M
My drinking problem caused big difficulties in my relationship with my husband. I was either working and avoiding the issue or at home drinking with him around.
My relationship went to healthy and active to me mentally confined to being drunk, wishing I was sober or not drinking and constantly thinking about it.
It eroded my feelings for him and distorted everything. At one point I felt nothing for him.
I am almost 7 months sober and I feel like I am unthawing. A lot of my relationship issues had to do with the alcohol I kept pouring into my body, distorting my mind and emotions. I was not in a place to be in any relationship.
I am telling you this so you won't take things so personally.
This disease arrests the body and mind. He is coming from a place where you cannot reach him and it has almost nothing to do with you.
That is why he comes back and he probably will again.
My drinking problem caused big difficulties in my relationship with my husband. I was either working and avoiding the issue or at home drinking with him around.
My relationship went to healthy and active to me mentally confined to being drunk, wishing I was sober or not drinking and constantly thinking about it.
It eroded my feelings for him and distorted everything. At one point I felt nothing for him.
I am almost 7 months sober and I feel like I am unthawing. A lot of my relationship issues had to do with the alcohol I kept pouring into my body, distorting my mind and emotions. I was not in a place to be in any relationship.
I am telling you this so you won't take things so personally.
This disease arrests the body and mind. He is coming from a place where you cannot reach him and it has almost nothing to do with you.
That is why he comes back and he probably will again.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
M234....I can relate to what you are going through...I was like that after a really bad break-up, a few years ago.
At first, it is like that...crying at the drop of a hat....floods of painful emotions...
The first days...I think that the goal is just to get through 24hrs. at a time....somehow...and calling that a victory....
Yes, staying very structured and as busy as you can, can help a whole lot.
finding support for yourself, and someone that you can talk to can help a lot, also. Don't expect them to have "answers"...but, talking to someone who can be sympathetic, can help.
for me...it helped to have a certain time, each night...after the kids were in bed, to have grieving time. Each night, about the same time. I would light a candle and put on "Purple Rain" tape, by Prince, and cry my eyes out, until I was exhausted....I call that one version of the Wailing Wall.
Also, I suggest making a list of th worst aspects of the relationship, that you can think of,....and carry that with you, at all times. Read it every time you get weak in the knees...even if it is a dozen times, a day! I carried mine in my bra.
You will need a counselor/therapist, and alanon or the support group at the local domestic help center....don't avoid this....the more help you get--the better off you will be.....
I call this grieving the short-term pain for the long-term gain.....
Also, keep posting here,,,and educating yourself in the stickies, above the threads....especially, the Classic Reading section....there is about one hundred excellent articles, there....
Those wo use all the available help, seem to get through this easier...
Knowledge is power....
***Don't worry about crying...I am a big fan of crying...Mother Nature gave us those tears for a good reason!
At first, it is like that...crying at the drop of a hat....floods of painful emotions...
The first days...I think that the goal is just to get through 24hrs. at a time....somehow...and calling that a victory....
Yes, staying very structured and as busy as you can, can help a whole lot.
finding support for yourself, and someone that you can talk to can help a lot, also. Don't expect them to have "answers"...but, talking to someone who can be sympathetic, can help.
for me...it helped to have a certain time, each night...after the kids were in bed, to have grieving time. Each night, about the same time. I would light a candle and put on "Purple Rain" tape, by Prince, and cry my eyes out, until I was exhausted....I call that one version of the Wailing Wall.
Also, I suggest making a list of th worst aspects of the relationship, that you can think of,....and carry that with you, at all times. Read it every time you get weak in the knees...even if it is a dozen times, a day! I carried mine in my bra.
You will need a counselor/therapist, and alanon or the support group at the local domestic help center....don't avoid this....the more help you get--the better off you will be.....
I call this grieving the short-term pain for the long-term gain.....
Also, keep posting here,,,and educating yourself in the stickies, above the threads....especially, the Classic Reading section....there is about one hundred excellent articles, there....
Those wo use all the available help, seem to get through this easier...
Knowledge is power....
***Don't worry about crying...I am a big fan of crying...Mother Nature gave us those tears for a good reason!
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Join Date: Dec 2018
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Thank you Gettingcloser. It's helpful to hear from the "other side". I just feel sad for him, and sad for myself, and for us. His sister said that he's self destructing and that with all the drink and drugs he is never really sober and rational. She said everything is clouded, which explains the leaving me on Christmas day I guess.
Out of curiousity, did your relationship survive?
Out of curiousity, did your relationship survive?
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Thank you so much dandylion. I needed to know what to do now, in this moment, today rather than how much better I will be off (as my friend & family keep saying). I can't see that far ahead, as even when I think of a life without him, I just feel completely overwhelmed.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Even if he came home tomorrow , begging for forgiveness, think it’s safe to say you are so upset, and angry at what he just put you through, it would not be a healthy situation . This type of betrayal does not evaporate into thin air. Trust has been destroyed, and for him to return home, you would drive yourself crazy, micromanaging his every movement. I would not even consider him returning home an option at this time,
You certainly have every right to be livid, and hurt. Best I can offer, concentrate on you and you child. Leave him to his own devices. Currently , you have bigger fish to fry.
I would consult with an attorney, find out what my legal rights and obligations are. Knowledge is power. Please note I am not saying you have to file for divorce .
I would probably need to find some face to face counseling. I would also rely on the support of close friends and family.
I truly am sorry to hear your story. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, without a commitment to recovery , it only gets worse.
Please feel free to post all you want/need. This is a safe place, folks understand what you are currently experiencing.
Focus on you and your child, that is what is most important.
Hugs.
You certainly have every right to be livid, and hurt. Best I can offer, concentrate on you and you child. Leave him to his own devices. Currently , you have bigger fish to fry.
I would consult with an attorney, find out what my legal rights and obligations are. Knowledge is power. Please note I am not saying you have to file for divorce .
I would probably need to find some face to face counseling. I would also rely on the support of close friends and family.
I truly am sorry to hear your story. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, without a commitment to recovery , it only gets worse.
Please feel free to post all you want/need. This is a safe place, folks understand what you are currently experiencing.
Focus on you and your child, that is what is most important.
Hugs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 21
Thank you so much marie. Thankfully we aren't married, so I don't need to look at filing for divorce. I have got a meeting on Tuesday to apply for benefits as I only work 3 days a week due to my son (childcare costs are more than I earn).
I'm so glad I found this page. I can't express in words how much you have all helped today.
I'm so glad I found this page. I can't express in words how much you have all helped today.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
You and your son deserve better than a coked up alcoholic. This guy is not currently worthy of the word “ Father.” A father loves and protects. Secure your child support, if he has money for coke , he has money to provide for his child.
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