atalose

Ok let’s discuss a life without him, which part would you be missing the most………….

Him ignoring you?

Avoiding any contact with you?

Him dismissing you?

Him disappearing for days?

Him drunk and or high on drugs every night?

Him telling you (again) that he doesn’t love you?

Him pursuing another woman (again)

I’m guessing that when you say life with him was “good” it included him consuming alcohol just not to the extent he had been this past year.

boreas

M,
For me, the key was accepting that the relationship and the person I was mourning no longer existed, if it ever really had. I projected my own wants and desires onto the relationship, so rather than a crystal clear vision of what was, I was trying to salvage/mourning the loss of what I wished it to be. The minute your inner voice says, “Well, if he would just...” it’s a losing battle. I know I felt like I had suffered so much to try and make it work, that letting it go felt like throwing away that investment. Time and distance showed me that it was never going to be what I wanted.

I was in a prison that I had the key to all along.

I’m a fan of the quote, “The best revenge is living well.” Try to live and treat yourself as if you're happy and content, and you may find that those feelings sneak up on you.
-bora

M234567

Thank you so much Bora. That's exactly how I feel. I've spent the past year just hanging on. He'd started counselling 3 weeks ago, and I really thought this is the start of things improving, whilst the whole time he was messaging this girl.

I know it's crazy atalose considering the way he has treated me. And seeing it in black and white like that does make me feel nuts. I know logically I shouldn't want to be with him after this. I'm just struggling with heartache of it.

alwayscovering

First, *BIG HUGS* I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. You have gotten a lot of really good information already. The people here have really been in the fire and come out of it. I have found a lot of help here. They may sometimes tell you things you don't want to hear, but you need to hear it. Please keep coming back.

I do want to point out you mentioned in one of your posts you want him to come back, apologize and stop this madness. I promise when he stops drinking/using that will not automatically make things better. My husband is currently not drinking and not working a program, but I am working on myself. I still have a lot of resentments to work through. It's a slow difficult process but I'm determined to be better, for myself, for my son. Stop worrying about him, focus on healing yourself and caring for your son.

trailmix

And it is a struggle and i'm sorry you are going through this. It's a terrible thing and so hard.

"Seeing it in black and white". One suggestion is to make a list, of every hurtful thing, of the names he might have called you of the times he went missing, of how he has treated you. A hard copy list is a good idea. Keep it with you all the times, refer to it 20 times a day if you need to.

What you are grieving over is an idealized version, how you "know" he could be or how he was before. That's not him now. Drugs change the brain, he is not thinking like he was and that could go on for years, until he seeks recovery. Even if he does seek recovery that doesn't mean he will ever return to what he was, his experiences and his drug use - change him. His poor choices change him.

The most important thing now is to focus on yourself and taking care of yourself. I'm all for keeping busy in times of stress but sometimes if you are just running around making busy work your mind still ruminates. Try some distractions that engage your mind, binge watch some series on netflix, play a video game, read an engrossing novel etc. These are all things that keep your mind engaged and let you relax for a bit, take the stress levels down a bit.

atalose

No, not nuts just badly conditioned to where accepting unacceptable behavior was ok because every now and then that carrot of hope was dangled in front of you. Many of us were like that, it became our normal where the solution was if they would just X, Y or Z. We were so focused on them and their issues we neglected our own X, Y and Z’s.

It’s ok to cry and to miss him that is how you come out on the other side of grieving. Now is the time to allow yourself to feel all of those feelings, the highs the lows, the anger the sadness are all normal and it’s ok to feel them. What is not ok is to act on them in negative ways that will bring you further hurt and pain.

Michsm

Welcome M234567, It literally is one hour at a time at first. I threw myself in my work and it helped a lot! I still have good and bad days but the bad days are getting less and less and can start looking ahead. What helped me the most is talking to others, this board and I would always think to myself if I was there with him now, what would I be doing? It put it in perspective for me. I also cried a lot in the beginning. Hope you are doing ok. One thing is you and your son deserve to be happy, whatever that looks like to you.

Gettingcloser

Hi M
I am still with my husband. It is so much better since I stopped drinking. I have learned to really care about myself and now I can care for him.
When I was drinking I was so self absorbed lost in my addict world. There was no room for anyone in that world.
You did so well when you picked up and moved on the first time. You can do it again. You are strong. He will not change for anybody until he makes that change for himself.