clarity888

Merry Christmas everyone, if you're not tired of hearing that. I have some ramblings about what I noticed today. So here goes. My AH, our son, and I went to eat Christmas dinner with his parents today. His parents have allowed AH to stay with them when I would ask him to leave our house (mainly in October, maybe 5 times total). They know his struggle, and verbally say "we are here for you", and they do ask how his recovery is going. Well, at Thanksgiving they had us over, and they said "we won't have any alcohol served, for AH's sake". It was a much larger gathering of people, and it ended up a few people had a glass of something. I figure those people brought there own unknowingly.

Today, the gathering was just the five of us. His parents had their 2-4 drinks, I didn't count. They also offered me one. I don't drink anymore, it's just easier that way. My husband has told them "it doesn't bother me if you guys drink when I'm there". So, they know in June during outpatient treatment how serious his condition was--10 beers a day (at least), fatty liver disease, and real pain for us both. Anyway, my own mother was telling me that she does not understand his parents continuing to drink around him. I've always been told that nobody else has to change because they shouldn't have to, and their drinking vs not drinking would not cause a relapse anyway. Any thoughts?

trailmix

I think you are right. If he has told them to go ahead and drink, it doesn't bother him, then I guess they are comfortable with that as is he.

His recovery is up to him. If it bothered him he could have asked them not to drink or said he would pass on dinner if they really wanted to have drinks.

I don't think they have any big moral obligation to not drink, he is a grown up, he can make his own decision. Now would I? No, but that's me and maybe it's irrelevant really, because he made his decision and they are respecting that.

dafunbra

My parents know well my situation and continue to drink whenever the mood suits them. Dinner conversation at their house the other day when some other family was in town centered on various kinds of mixed drinks, how to make them, etc. Now I have seen my mom have a glass of wine a few times in my lifetime. She starts talking about all these different drinks she likes and starts naming the ones she has a hankering for. I had to do some calming exercises. Normally other people drinking doesn't bother me at all. They've never asked if it bothers me or even talked about it with me. My dad will make a crack sometimes about how I don't get any when he's pouring wine for himself or someone else. Their attitude and complete lack of any empathy ticks me off if I'm not careful. I know its because of the history and they are that way not just with drink but with pretty much everything.

Now my GF, on the other hand, does still drink occasionally and I don't mind at all. She asked me if it would bother me in any way and she only ever has one, MAYBE two drinks over an entire evening. I don't know - they bother me but she doesn't. I think it has more to do with the history than anything else.

August252015

It's up to me, and each of us alcoholics, to choose to be sober whatever others do. It just can't affect me. We don't have alcohol in our home - because we don't drink. No one expects it and we wouldn't change it if someone did. When I'm out, some friends asked early-ish on if I minded and nope, because if I ever did I would have chosen not to be with them. And so on....

Everyone has a different way of "handling" alcohol around them and being around those who do drink, etc. I'm not a prohibitionist, I do hope others don't drink to excess and so on - but that's their deal and mine is being sober.

marie1960

Are your mother’s words helpful? Is the sharing of her opinion coming from a good place? Is she possibly judging the In-Laws?

Currently, my oldest daughter seems to take every opportunity to make unfavorable remarks about her younger sister. And lately all I can say to her is “ “are you trying to be helpful or hurtful.”

Your husband recovery is his responsibility, He has expressed his parents having cocktails doesn’t bother him, so until he states otherwise, not sure what immediate family is to do.

clarity888

Oh Marie. You ask some good questions. Here is where my mother's words came from. On my side of the family, my sibling was planning a gathering this past week, and we went. I had not yet shared my AH's struggles with my sibling. My mother, though, went ahead and told my sibling of AH's struggles so that my sibling would not serve alcohol. In the past, I told my mother I was not ready for my siblings to hear of the situation. I asked her the day after the gathering "did you say anything?", as I noticed there was no holiday "cheer", and she said no. A day later, she said "I had to say something, I did not want your AH to be in a situation where he felt tempted". I get it; she thinks she or they would be completely responsible, even though they have no control, and I specifically asked for privacy on this issue. I thus think my mother might be judging them, since she chose to try to control the situation, and perhaps she thinks they should do the same? I know her actions were coming from a good place, I am just a little embarrassed right now that my whole family knows (well, several of them). I also know my therapist (who specializes in addiction/families is critical of AH's parents' actions at times). Anyway. I'm sorry to hear about your daughter's comments. That has to be hard on you. Your response to her is perfect, I feel.

velma929

Interesting thread.

I had a former co-irker who claimed to be a recovering alcoholic **except when someone brought in some spiked eggnog for the holiday party, he helped himself to some.** He was having guests one weekend and was completely unhinged. His guests wanted to bring wine to his house, and in his opinion that wasn't respectful of his ongoing recovery. To hear him tell it, they thought he was incredibly controlling to prevent them from drinking. I was left wondering, why are these people friends? BTW, he's long gone, now, And his current FB page features plenty of bar scenes and what looks like alcoholic drinks.

If an alcoholic asked me (or even told me) being around alcohol was a threat to his/her ongoing sobriety, there's no question I could find another opportunity to drink a beer. If I was told it's no problem, I'd assume I was being told the truth. Ya know what I don't like? Psycho-babble where someone's trying to baffle me with BS. Drinking, not drinking becomes a non-issue once I walk away.

clarity888

I hear you, Velma. It's interesting to see how other people choose to deal with the A (ppl other than me, haha). I am majorly annoyed with my own mother for trying to control the environment, telling the world, but such is living "life on life's terms". I can't control her, or the inlaws, or him, just me. I can say that I've noticed AH is not comfortable venturing to old restaurants or very many places at all, and I believe, it's because they are mostly places where alcohol could be ordered. I would do the same, in my first year of recovery, if it meant pass or fail...

velma929

I stopped drinking at my own house when my alcoholic husband was still alive. I suspect he was too drunk to notice. I enjoy a beer or glass of wine with meal, but if someone told me it bothered him or her, I wouldn't have any problem abstaining. I don't want to provide a stumbling block for someone trying to straighten out her life. Ultimately, it is the alcoholic who has to abstain in a society where booze is legal. Heck, where I live, you can buy hard liquor at (eye roll) the local gas station.

Dreaming005

My AHs parents still drink in front of him and it drives me crazy. I simply don’t understand why a parent would flaunt alcohol in their sons face. For the few times they are together, why can’t his parents abstain? AH is allergic to nuts and they go out of their way to not cook with nuts!

I could understand a glass of wine with dinner, but they’re drinking Manhattans and Martinis in excess. We went to a big to-do for the in-laws 50th anniversary and everyone else got smashed. It was very uncomfortable and in hindsight we shouldn’t have gone, but the guilt to go with palpable.

Maybe it’s just my issue because alcoholism runs in his family, and the environment AH grew up in was pro-alcohol- I don’t think his family can be together without alcohol- so it bothers me that they’re all telling him to stop drinking out of one side of their mouths and getting smashed themselves with the other side. My family drinks beers and wine with dinner and it seems reasonable to me....

velma929

"We went to a big to-do for the in-laws 50th anniversary and everyone else got smashed. "

One of the creepiest and most awkward social engagements I went to was the wedding of a friend. I guess we were the only people on Earth who weren't informed of the menu for the reception. After the ceremony, while the caterers set up, most of the guests went to their cars and brought coolers of booze to their tables. (Yes, pretty much ignoring the receiving line.) I thought it was pretty rude, making the hosts feel what they served was inadequate. (It wasn't) The guests made quite a production of setting up bars at their own tables, and it made me really uncomfortable to see the teens being served by their elders. I never did hear 'the story behind the story' but I was kind of glad to leave.

NYCDoglvr

It's my belief that other people can do as they like in their own homes. It's up to me, the alcoholic, to determine if I should go to someone's house. It would have been a good idea to ask if they were planning to have cocktails before saying yes.

hopeful4

I would never drink around any alcoholic, but that's just me. I am not a big drinker anyways though. That being said, if it bothers him, he has to be comfortable enough in his own recovery to say so.

I don't think hiding it from your family does any good. I hid my XAH's drinking for years, and all it did was rob me of support I could have been receiving for myself, instead I was protecting him. And guess what....they knew anyways!

MindfulMan

I am no longer a drinker. Normal drinkers enjoy a glass or two of wine or beer or cocktails. They can drink. I can't.

I really would prefer that people carry on as they please as far as their normal drinking goes. It does not affect me at all.

I don't particularly like people who are getting plastered tho.

That's just me. I know some really can't be around it. I myself couldn't in early sobriety. But now I'm a non-drinker, so it doesn't really matter to me if someone drinks or they don't. It's their life, not mine.

FeelingGreat

I made it clear that I was OK with others having a glass of wine or a beer in my presence, and they did.
OTOH I always avoid work drinks and any other occasion that is centred around drinking.

thequest

I know of drinking parents where one kid was in rehab/ programs several times by their mid 30s and another who had several duis and/or related accidents by their mid- late 20s. Also has close friends with a child killed by a drunk driver. They still drink. One adult child is on death's door now showing up in the am drunk and the other opted to live hundreds of miles away decades ago turning down career work 2 miles away. Yet they are the one's mocking/berating people for no or limited drinking and shunning bars. Just for example's sake one would figure they would limit or stop drinking in their kid's presence. One of their children was able to give up drinking decades ago.

That being said yes it's the alcoholic's job to control their behavior but as a parent or person knowing of their issues I personally think there is at least a partial moral obligation to avoid drinking in a problem drinkers presence just to lead by example to show them life can go on without alcohol at least for a few hours.

CoralRose

I agree that I chose to not drink infront of my AH. My family does not drink, so it is a non-issue whe visiting them. Most of his family continues to drink whether he is drunk or sober. When I had an issue with it, I broached the subject with my AH. When he was sober he said he did NOT want them to change their behavior because of him. Nor did he want to feel like he forced it upon them. I dropped the subject. However, it has become a crutch when my husband is drunk, that they need to get a handle on themselves before ever judging him.

AutumnMama

When my husband stopped drinking, we got rid of all the alcohol in the house. Now that he's moved out, I still don't really keep booze in the house (I actually have wine in my fridge now from an xmas present...haha...guess I'm lying!)

I would have a glass of wine or two when I went out with my husband to dinner. He told me it didn't bother him. I took him at his word-- I wasn't going to read more into it. That was maybe once or twice a month if I was lucky? (I love going out to dinner).

I understand modeling behavior for a small child--but an adult? I don't really think that helps anyone other than letting the non-alcoholic not feel guilty. If the RA ASKS you not to drink, then that is another conversation.

hopeful4

I completely agree. If you are trying to support someone why try to make things harder?

Awal

My take on it is that his parents have time to drink when their son isnt around...would it really hurt them to be supportive while he is around? He says he is ok with it but is he really? He may be suppressing resentment that the people who should care and support him the most are perhaps 'flaunting it' (for want of a better word) in front of him. After all...is drinking SO important to them????