I’m so upset with my husbands drinking
 

Welcome, Jk4. You may find things a little bit slow here, seeing as it's Christmas, but it's usually a very active board, so please don't get discouraged if by chance you don't get a lot of replies right away.

First, let me say that you absolutely have the right to feel whatever you feel. If you are frustrated (and who wouldn't be, in the situation you describe?), then you are frustrated. Our feelings are what they are, and can never be wrong. The actions that we take, based on those feelings, may be wrong, though, and that's where SR can help you.

Next, let me suggest that you begin by educating yourself about alcoholism and addiction. We have a member here who often tells newbies that “knowledge is power”, and she is absolutely right. A good start for that is simply by reading around this forum as much as you can. At the top of the page are what we call "the stickies", which are threads that are felt to be so useful that they've been "stuck" to the top of the page so they are always visible and accessible. Here are links for the stickies, in case you aren’t able to see this section on your phone or computer (sometimes people can’t):

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...sts-first.html

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-recovery.html

Read other member's posts in the threads in this section, and don't be shy about replying if something resonates w/you or if you have a question. In my experience, those who get the most from this forum are those who are the most actively involved.

Another valuable resource is your local Alanon meeting. For me, Alanon and SR were a powerful combination in the earlier days of my own recovery. I love SR (clearly, b/c I still read and sometimes post here almost 6 years after I first came) but a face-to-face Alanon meeting can offer in-person support that an online forum simply can't. I'm fortunate enough to live in an area where there are many, many meetings to choose from; hopefully you'll be equally lucky.

For me, the point where things began to really turn around was when I finally accepted that there was simply no way I could control anyone else, and that in fact I had no right to do so. The only person I had any control over (or should even try to have any control over) was myself. It seems mighty counter-intuitive, I know, and it took me some time and a lot of hard knocks to get there.

Stop. Back up. Take a breath, and then another. I know it feels like your world is flying apart and nothing makes sense. There is help for you, though, and you can indeed be happy and at peace even though it seems impossible right now. Do some of the reading I suggested. Get thee to an Alanon meeting as soon as you possibly can. Gradually you’ll start to see your way forward.

SR is a fantastic resource, full of so many who’ve walked that path in all its variations. I hope you continue to come around, b/c there is so much learning and healing to be had here.

Hi JK4 and welcome. Sorry for what brings you here, of course but glad you found us.

I hope you take honeypig up on her suggestion and read around the forum. There is a lot to learn about alcoholism and you will find the answers here.

Your Husband is in a relationship with alcohol which explains his lack of interest in anything or anyone else. It's what he thinks about and when he isn't drinking he's wondering where his next drink is.

You're right, they don't smell the same but if someone just drank a beer I doubt you would be able to smell anything else.

Your instinct that he is drinking before he gets home is no doubt absolutely correct.

Alcohol is not unlike any mood altering substance in that tolerance is built and it takes more and more to achieve the same "buzz", so he hasn't gone from drinking a lot to suddenly being almost fall down drunk from several lite beers.

There is help and there is hope. Post here as often as you like and as honeypig mentioned, there is also Al-Anon, have you looked in to that at all?

https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/
"In Al-Anon and Alateen, members share their own experience, strength, and hope with each other. You will meet others who share your feelings and frustrations, if not your exact situation. We come together to learn a better way of life, to find happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not".

Well, as an alcoholic myself I can tell you that this isn't necessarily true - though it may be. No way to know.

There is a phenomenon called Reverse Tolerance in long-term alcoholics and it is when there has already been damage done to the liver/organs. You can Google that.

It's a good thing you are not looking for advice on how to change him, as most of us have the learned the hard way that the only thing we can change is ourselves.

You have every right to be as frustrated as you are, but I have to tell you that trying to be the Drink Police and figuring out what he has imbibed and when will only magnify your frustration. Trust your senses. It doesn't matter how much he's had if his behavior is unacceptable at two or twenty. It doesn't matter where his tolerance is as long as you don't want to be around him. You are allowed to have boundaries, even with your husband. His choices don't have to determine your day.

I can't say anything better than honeypig did. Educate yourself about alcoholism and read around the forum as much as you can stand. Eventually you will find a way to deal with this situation, whatever that means for you. Wishing you strength, courage, and serenity in the new year.

Start with reading everything you can get your hands on about addiction/alcoholism. Get armed with information not for him, but you. Be gentle with yourself as you discover Ah Ha moments. I still have them daily and have been doing this for many years. Sometimes I can read something 100x and it not sink in. Maybe because I am not open, or just plain stubborn. The one I grapple with is that his addiction is not about me. The 3 C's. It may hurt but I cannot take it personally.

Lots of great advice can be found in these forums. I found for myself the best thing was to start in F&F, then Alcoholism and New Posts. It has been so beneficial to see addiction from both sides. I have been to Alanon and open AA meetings, too.

Hang in there!

Toward the end of my drinking, one day my tolerance would be "normal" (ie I could drink a 12 pack easily and function relatively well) and the next I would black out after 3 drinks. When I checked in to rehab my bloodwork was in the high-normal range. An alternative theory is the possibility of mixing benzo's (valium / Xanax, etc.) with alcohol - which is dangerous but not uncommon.

However, it really doesn't matter how or why this is occurring. The question is what are you going to do in terms of your boundaries?

Hi Jk4, in my only experience with an alcoholic , whom I recently divorced, is that he was selfish. Everything revolved around him. I sometimes wondered if my XAH was on drugs as well as alcohol because like you sometimes he had only a few beers and would be slurring his speech and staggering. Who knows, I didnt stick around to figure that part out as the beers and vodka were enough. My XAH was on his phone and IPad playing some game constantly and spending money on it but we both made our own money and didn’t share finances so I dont know the extent of what he spent but I am guessing quite a bit. Hope it gets better for you but honestly the only thing that it made it better for me was leaving. It was a tumultuous 10 years I was with him.

"He gets up to go to the bathroom but I’ve checked every area and even bottles like cleaning solutions to check if alcohol is hidden and not finding anything."

Toilet tank.

" Do I have a right to be as frustrated as I am?" You are entitled to your feelings, of course.

"I want someone who wants to enjoy things, go places, be into me, take care of himself. "
This is not your husband.

I'm sorry you're going through this Jk4. It's a terrible dance, back and forth, having good days, knowing the not-so-good days will happen again. I was in pretty much your situation. Can you take a break and leave for awhile? Get some peace and clear your head? Do some self-care, like walking, something you enjoy or need to get done that will make you feel better? My AH also lost motivation in many ways, and is a very different person than who I married. The book Pathways to Recovery from Al Anon is helpful, and meetings are too.

Thanks for that bimini, I did look it up and that's really interesting, I actually wondered about that.

I found a good reference on it that I will link below if anyone else is interested. It's apparently quite rare.

One other thing mentioned in the information is "normal" lowering of tolerance, where the liver etc is not hugely damaged, so renewing drinking at a lower level, after a period of abstinence, or just drinking at a much lower level with no abstinence.

I'd still check the toilet tank. (seriously though, as many have mentioned, better to put the focus on yourself. One drink or twenty, if it's upsetting you that's what's important).

What Is Reverse Tolerance?

"One should be very careful not to confuse Reverse Tolerance with the Healthy Tolerance Reversal which occurs when a heavy drinker does a period of abstinence from alcohol or a period of moderate drinking. When the amount of alcohol to which the liver is exposed on a daily basis is greatly decreased, liver enzymes begin to return to normal levels and alcohol tolerance (as well as dose response) tends to return to levels similar to those before the subject began drinking heavily".

Jk4......lying is extremely common.....some people say, about alcoholics...."If their lips are moving...they are lying".

Well, it's not going to be any easier at 45, or 54.

Hi, Jk4. Welcome. Glad you found your way here.
Agree with what others have said about attending Al-Anon meetings.
It is a wonderful source of support and help.
Does your husband have a problem with alcohol.?
Sounds like it.
It also sounds like you are ready to take a step or two back from the situation.
This will take time and knowledge and support.
No one says Leave. Today. Only you can decide if that is the step you want to take.
But I can tell you that unless your spouse embraces sobriety long term, things are not going to get better.
They will get worse as you both get older.
Good luck and good thoughts.