Managing expectations at this time of year!
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Managing expectations at this time of year!
So yesterday I got a call from my ex who's sort of back in my life to say he would call around and drop in my christmas present.
My first instinct was, why so early, can't we leave it untill christmas Eve or Christmas day but he insisted. Was kind of excited to see what it might be.
So he arrives in, had been drinking (as he is in active addiction still). Hands me a present in a bag, unwrapped. It was a Rubix cube and a coffee travel mug. He explained I drink lots of coffee so that was his reasoning for it and as for the Rubix cube I'm still baffled.
I was dissappointed I won't lie. Felt there was no thought or emotion in it. I gave him mine, all wrapped nicely and he liked it.
Afterwards I was thinking am I being rude or judgemental, isn't it the thought that counts? I think I need to manage my expectations in regards to him with EVERYTHING. I thought given how we were spending more time with each other lately he would buy something more meaningful. Now im reading into it again he doesn't care so much. This time of year plays havoc with me anyway but with him being so close and still not being able to spend alone time with him kind of sucks. He is so dependent on his cousin.
Thoughts would be welcome.
My first instinct was, why so early, can't we leave it untill christmas Eve or Christmas day but he insisted. Was kind of excited to see what it might be.
So he arrives in, had been drinking (as he is in active addiction still). Hands me a present in a bag, unwrapped. It was a Rubix cube and a coffee travel mug. He explained I drink lots of coffee so that was his reasoning for it and as for the Rubix cube I'm still baffled.
I was dissappointed I won't lie. Felt there was no thought or emotion in it. I gave him mine, all wrapped nicely and he liked it.
Afterwards I was thinking am I being rude or judgemental, isn't it the thought that counts? I think I need to manage my expectations in regards to him with EVERYTHING. I thought given how we were spending more time with each other lately he would buy something more meaningful. Now im reading into it again he doesn't care so much. This time of year plays havoc with me anyway but with him being so close and still not being able to spend alone time with him kind of sucks. He is so dependent on his cousin.
Thoughts would be welcome.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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So I guess you have a room-mate as well, if I'm understanding you correctly.
Expectations. You are spot on with that. Unless you want to be disappointed continually, you will have to kind of let those go. You can't expect "normal" from an active addict because it doesn't exist.
Don't expect him to be thoughtful, kind, attentive, punctual, clear thinking, put you first, concerned about your feelings and thoughts and what's going on in your life. Now all these things might happen sporadically, but not in any type of reliable way.
You know how with people you know that maybe, as an example, you have a friend or relative that is kind and thoughtful. He/she won't ever say anything to hurt your feelings and never forgets you at xmas/your birthday, you get the idea. That's "normal" to most people, consistency of personality and actions. Don't expect that.
That may not be what you want, but that is all that you can expect.
Now, the gift wasn't that horrible in my opinion at least he put thought in to the travel mug. Some people just aren't that deep thinking about gifts (I take it you are).
You mention in the other thread that you were invited to have Christmas dinner with them, I don't understand why you aren't going? Three's a crowd? I don't get that one, while I understand you would rather spend time alone with him, why not just go for dinner?
Expectations. You are spot on with that. Unless you want to be disappointed continually, you will have to kind of let those go. You can't expect "normal" from an active addict because it doesn't exist.
Don't expect him to be thoughtful, kind, attentive, punctual, clear thinking, put you first, concerned about your feelings and thoughts and what's going on in your life. Now all these things might happen sporadically, but not in any type of reliable way.
You know how with people you know that maybe, as an example, you have a friend or relative that is kind and thoughtful. He/she won't ever say anything to hurt your feelings and never forgets you at xmas/your birthday, you get the idea. That's "normal" to most people, consistency of personality and actions. Don't expect that.
That may not be what you want, but that is all that you can expect.
Now, the gift wasn't that horrible in my opinion at least he put thought in to the travel mug. Some people just aren't that deep thinking about gifts (I take it you are).
You mention in the other thread that you were invited to have Christmas dinner with them, I don't understand why you aren't going? Three's a crowd? I don't get that one, while I understand you would rather spend time alone with him, why not just go for dinner?
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Join Date: Jul 2017
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Addiction takes tons of energy and dulls the mind. He doesn't have time to be thoughtful.
Don't take it personally. I doubt he has a long list of friends and family that received a thoughtful present as opposed to a coffee mug and a Rubik's cube. You did get SOMETHING. If you want to remain in that relationship, that's what it's gonna be. Dee posted somewhere that addicts don't have relationships, they take hostages. So true. Being anything less than self-absorbed with the few resources that an addict has at their disposal is slim to none, and slim's out of town.
What are you expecting to get out of this relationship, especially when he's still in active addiction?
Don't take it personally. I doubt he has a long list of friends and family that received a thoughtful present as opposed to a coffee mug and a Rubik's cube. You did get SOMETHING. If you want to remain in that relationship, that's what it's gonna be. Dee posted somewhere that addicts don't have relationships, they take hostages. So true. Being anything less than self-absorbed with the few resources that an addict has at their disposal is slim to none, and slim's out of town.
What are you expecting to get out of this relationship, especially when he's still in active addiction?
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I can feel your disappointment, Glenjo, and it's completely understandable given the circumstances.
1) You want to be in a relationship with someone who knows you, understands you, pays attention to what you enjoy in life and what is important to you.
2) You want those things from an active alcoholic.
1 and 2 are diametrically opposed to one another because the kind of relationship you want (1) is not possible with an *active* alcoholic (2).
Having a relationship with an active alcoholic is a bit like that old SNL skit "Wheel of Lowered Expectations" (I just want a man to take me to nice places....like the Sizzler. Lol!) An active alcoholic will disappoint us nearly every time.
I've been telling myself something quite a bit lately and maybe you've already heard it here, too. Don't make someone a priority when all you are is an option.
1) You want to be in a relationship with someone who knows you, understands you, pays attention to what you enjoy in life and what is important to you.
2) You want those things from an active alcoholic.
1 and 2 are diametrically opposed to one another because the kind of relationship you want (1) is not possible with an *active* alcoholic (2).
Having a relationship with an active alcoholic is a bit like that old SNL skit "Wheel of Lowered Expectations" (I just want a man to take me to nice places....like the Sizzler. Lol!) An active alcoholic will disappoint us nearly every time.
I've been telling myself something quite a bit lately and maybe you've already heard it here, too. Don't make someone a priority when all you are is an option.
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Sort of back in my life.
Safe to say, this is probably as good as it gets with him. But, you already know this.
Couple weeks back, at the grocery store, I mistakenly purchased the Fat free Ranch dressing. Well what a disappointment that was, it was runny, and lacked flavor, and I threw it in the trash. Going forward, I make a conscience effort to double check the label, I have no desire to waste my money on something I do not enjoy, and ruins the taste of a perfectly good salad. Now that I know better, I take a few extra minutes at the store, to ensure I get what I need.
You are worth so much more than a sort of, half azz relationship.
Safe to say, this is probably as good as it gets with him. But, you already know this.
Couple weeks back, at the grocery store, I mistakenly purchased the Fat free Ranch dressing. Well what a disappointment that was, it was runny, and lacked flavor, and I threw it in the trash. Going forward, I make a conscience effort to double check the label, I have no desire to waste my money on something I do not enjoy, and ruins the taste of a perfectly good salad. Now that I know better, I take a few extra minutes at the store, to ensure I get what I need.
You are worth so much more than a sort of, half azz relationship.
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Location: Wareham, Mass
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I dated a man for a couple of years before I met Mr. Maud.
This guy was very thoughtful about presents, especially jewelry.
He also lied to me continuously, and cheated while pretending to be faithful.
Mr. M isnt big on presents, never has been.
But he is the best.
How a person acts, not what they give, is the true measure of someone.
This guy was very thoughtful about presents, especially jewelry.
He also lied to me continuously, and cheated while pretending to be faithful.
Mr. M isnt big on presents, never has been.
But he is the best.
How a person acts, not what they give, is the true measure of someone.
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Join Date: Jul 2018
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Originally Posted by trailmix 
So I guess you have a room-mate as well, if I'm understanding you correctly.
Expectations. You are spot on with that. Unless you want to be disappointed continually, you will have to kind of let those go. You can't expect "normal" from an active addict because it doesn't exist.
Don't expect him to be thoughtful, kind, attentive, punctual, clear thinking, put you first, concerned about your feelings and thoughts and what's going on in your life. Now all these things might happen sporadically, but not in any type of reliable way.
You know how with people you know that maybe, as an example, you have a friend or relative that is kind and thoughtful. He/she won't ever say anything to hurt your feelings and never forgets you at xmas/your birthday, you get the idea. That's "normal" to most people, consistency of personality and actions. Don't expect that.
That may not be what you want, but that is all that you can expect.
Now, the gift wasn't that horrible in my opinion at least he put thought in to the travel mug. Some people just aren't that deep thinking about gifts (I take it you are).
You mention in the other thread that you were invited to have Christmas dinner with them, I don't understand why you aren't going? Three's a crowd? I don't get that one, while I understand you would rather spend time alone with him, why not just go for dinner?
Expectations. You are spot on with that. Unless you want to be disappointed continually, you will have to kind of let those go. You can't expect "normal" from an active addict because it doesn't exist.
Don't expect him to be thoughtful, kind, attentive, punctual, clear thinking, put you first, concerned about your feelings and thoughts and what's going on in your life. Now all these things might happen sporadically, but not in any type of reliable way.
You know how with people you know that maybe, as an example, you have a friend or relative that is kind and thoughtful. He/she won't ever say anything to hurt your feelings and never forgets you at xmas/your birthday, you get the idea. That's "normal" to most people, consistency of personality and actions. Don't expect that.
That may not be what you want, but that is all that you can expect.
Now, the gift wasn't that horrible in my opinion at least he put thought in to the travel mug. Some people just aren't that deep thinking about gifts (I take it you are).
You mention in the other thread that you were invited to have Christmas dinner with them, I don't understand why you aren't going? Three's a crowd? I don't get that one, while I understand you would rather spend time alone with him, why not just go for dinner?
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Originally Posted by Maudcat
I dated a man for a couple of years before I met Mr. Maud.
This guy was very thoughtful about presents, especially jewelry.
He also lied to me continuously, and cheated while pretending to be faithful.
Mr. M isnt big on presents, never has been.
But he is the best.
How a person acts, not what they give, is the true measure of someone.
This guy was very thoughtful about presents, especially jewelry.
He also lied to me continuously, and cheated while pretending to be faithful.
Mr. M isnt big on presents, never has been.
But he is the best.
How a person acts, not what they give, is the true measure of someone.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Originally Posted by MindfulMan
Addiction takes tons of energy and dulls the mind. He doesn't have time to be thoughtful.
Don't take it personally. I doubt he has a long list of friends and family that received a thoughtful present as opposed to a coffee mug and a Rubik's cube. You did get SOMETHING. If you want to remain in that relationship, that's what it's gonna be. Dee posted somewhere that addicts don't have relationships, they take hostages. So true. Being anything less than self-absorbed with the few resources that an addict has at their disposal is slim to none, and slim's out of town.
What are you expecting to get out of this relationship, especially when he's still in active addiction?
Don't take it personally. I doubt he has a long list of friends and family that received a thoughtful present as opposed to a coffee mug and a Rubik's cube. You did get SOMETHING. If you want to remain in that relationship, that's what it's gonna be. Dee posted somewhere that addicts don't have relationships, they take hostages. So true. Being anything less than self-absorbed with the few resources that an addict has at their disposal is slim to none, and slim's out of town.
What are you expecting to get out of this relationship, especially when he's still in active addiction?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
I see two things here. First of all, you have an idealized version of him in your head which is not who he is, I hope you work on losing that. He is who he is, an active addict that is unemployed, self centered and lives with his controlling cousin.
Secondly, your self esteem is low? That's something maybe you want to work on?
So you two are not in a relationship per-se - just some kind of friend thing, which also isn't even what you want but really prohibits you finding someone/something that is better suited to you.
Secondly, your self esteem is low? That's something maybe you want to work on?
So you two are not in a relationship per-se - just some kind of friend thing, which also isn't even what you want but really prohibits you finding someone/something that is better suited to you.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
I see two things here. First of all, you have an idealized version of him in your head which is not who he is, I hope you work on losing that. He is who he is, an active addict that is unemployed, self centered and lives with his controlling cousin.
Secondly, your self esteem is low? That's something maybe you want to work on?
So you two are not in a relationship per-se - just some kind of friend thing, which also isn't even what you want but really prohibits you finding someone/something that is better suited to you.
Secondly, your self esteem is low? That's something maybe you want to work on?
So you two are not in a relationship per-se - just some kind of friend thing, which also isn't even what you want but really prohibits you finding someone/something that is better suited to you.
Yes true. I told him I would be out Christmas night for a few hours. If I'm honest I'm nervous about it as he will be drinking and he wants me to have done some drinks with him. I just think Christmas night could be a pressure cooker situation, where emotions are fraught and he could kick off. I don't want to have memories of this. I visited him today for Christmas Eve, his cousin was there. She got really jealous when he would talk about stuff we had done togethe. Made the whole atmosphere uncomfortable. He said it to her, she just blushed and said she was fine but could she she was livid. I really find her relationship with him horrendous.
Im wondering will I let the Xmas night thing go (obviously not drink with him). Thoughts welcome.
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Sounds like a good call to avoid Christmas Dinner and drinks.
I can understand why you would want a Merry Chistmas with this guy but it doesn't look like it is on the menu. Instead your choices seem a likely horrible drunken Christmas with him and sketchy cousin or a peaceful Christmas elsewhere. I'd pick the peaceful Christmas.
I can understand why you would want a Merry Chistmas with this guy but it doesn't look like it is on the menu. Instead your choices seem a likely horrible drunken Christmas with him and sketchy cousin or a peaceful Christmas elsewhere. I'd pick the peaceful Christmas.
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Originally Posted by marie1960
Why on earth would the cousin be jealous? that is very odd.
My what the hell meter is asking all kinds of questions in my head.
My what the hell meter is asking all kinds of questions in my head.
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Glenjo, have you heard the story of the man and the snake?
A man is out walking on a cold, windy day. He notices what he thinks is a stick on the ground near the path, but it doesn't look quite like a stick. He bends down and sees it move just a bit. Realizing it's a snake, he backs up, prepared to go on his way.
The snake says "Wait, wait, pick me up. I'm freezing to death here. Pick me up and put me in your coat, so I can warm up." The man says "Are you nuts? You're a snake, you'll bite me!"
"Oh, NO", says the snake. "You'd be helping me, and I'd never bite you! Now come on, put me inside your coat, b/c I'm freezing out here." The man says "How do I know for sure that you won't bite me?" The snake starts making various promises, and the man resists for a while.
Finally, overcome by pity, he sets his better judgement aside, picks up the cold snake and tucks him inside his coat. As the man continues his walk, the snake gradually warms up. Once he's gotten nice and comfortable again, he bites the man.
"W T F !!" yells the man. "You BIT me! You promised not to!"
"Sorry," says the snake, shrugging his shoulders, or what passes for shoulders on a snake. "But I'm a snake. What did you really expect?"
So you know, Glenjo, you can keep on picking up that poor snake as often as you want. You also should expect to get bitten each and every time. No surprises here at all.
A man is out walking on a cold, windy day. He notices what he thinks is a stick on the ground near the path, but it doesn't look quite like a stick. He bends down and sees it move just a bit. Realizing it's a snake, he backs up, prepared to go on his way.
The snake says "Wait, wait, pick me up. I'm freezing to death here. Pick me up and put me in your coat, so I can warm up." The man says "Are you nuts? You're a snake, you'll bite me!"
"Oh, NO", says the snake. "You'd be helping me, and I'd never bite you! Now come on, put me inside your coat, b/c I'm freezing out here." The man says "How do I know for sure that you won't bite me?" The snake starts making various promises, and the man resists for a while.
Finally, overcome by pity, he sets his better judgement aside, picks up the cold snake and tucks him inside his coat. As the man continues his walk, the snake gradually warms up. Once he's gotten nice and comfortable again, he bites the man.
"W T F !!" yells the man. "You BIT me! You promised not to!"
"Sorry," says the snake, shrugging his shoulders, or what passes for shoulders on a snake. "But I'm a snake. What did you really expect?"
So you know, Glenjo, you can keep on picking up that poor snake as often as you want. You also should expect to get bitten each and every time. No surprises here at all.
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I hear you about getting a "hit" from being with him. I have experienced similar. Funny thing is, if you were to actually get into a one to one relationship with him, it is likely within a short time that buzz will stop and you would just feel the usual frustration that comes from being with an addict.
Life is good
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Same as dealing with any addiction, the first step towards wellness is to put down the drug.
Thoughts of and fantasizing about your drug continue the addiction. Actively seeking out and welcoming the drug into your life continues the addiction.
Actions first, then feelings follow. Canceling plans is a choice you can make. Going to a meeting is a choice you can make. There's many paths to healing, but it's up to you to take one.
Take what you like and leave the rest. I'm glad you're here.
Thoughts of and fantasizing about your drug continue the addiction. Actively seeking out and welcoming the drug into your life continues the addiction.
Actions first, then feelings follow. Canceling plans is a choice you can make. Going to a meeting is a choice you can make. There's many paths to healing, but it's up to you to take one.
Take what you like and leave the rest. I'm glad you're here.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Oh honey pig, you have nailed the situation with the snake story.
Glenjo, just my hunch, more is going to be revealed here, sure you are ready and able, and prepared. This is one unhealthy mess.
Touching the fire burns everytime.
What exactly are you getting out of this toxic situation? Where do you see this situation in 6 months.? A year from now? Currently, you are denying yourself an opportunity to meet a normal, healthy, invested partner. I would be asking myself why? What am I actually fearing? We get so caught up and lost in the crazy , we truly forget what is normal...
I realize everyone must come to terms of a situation on their own, their own timeframe, their own understanding, their own acceptance.... but holy moly, you are really pushing the limits. I am worried for you.
Glenjo, just my hunch, more is going to be revealed here, sure you are ready and able, and prepared. This is one unhealthy mess.
Touching the fire burns everytime.
What exactly are you getting out of this toxic situation? Where do you see this situation in 6 months.? A year from now? Currently, you are denying yourself an opportunity to meet a normal, healthy, invested partner. I would be asking myself why? What am I actually fearing? We get so caught up and lost in the crazy , we truly forget what is normal...
I realize everyone must come to terms of a situation on their own, their own timeframe, their own understanding, their own acceptance.... but holy moly, you are really pushing the limits. I am worried for you.
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