SparkleKitty

I'm with your therapist on this one. Trying to be friends with someone whom you want more from is a losing proposition with or without addiction involved. It's not honest. It's not being respectful of what you really want. It just leads to trying to stuff your true feelings down until they explode all over the place in inappropriate and unhealthy ways. That energy is better spent getting out of that self-love deficit by learning to recognize that we, like all human beings, are worthy of real affection, respect and intimacy--from ourselves first and foremost!

I know how it feels when you think everyone just doesn't understand. We've all been there, though, so it's possible the folks here at SR understand better than you wish we would.

atalose

I think your therapist is correct. Did you think that your friendship with him would get him to change? Get him clean/sober? What benefit to him would your friendship be?

And ask yourself what benefit to you would his friendship bring to you in your life?

trailmix

He "thinks" he does? 5 months ago he said he only wanted to be with men when he was high, but that he was actually straight.

From an earlier post you made:
If nothing else, this should send you running for the hills. All the other stuff should too, but if that's not enough to convince you of how messed up his thinking is, I don't know what would.

He may be gay, he may be heterosexual he may be bi-sexual, that doesn't matter, what matters is he doesn't KNOW. Now, if he was 15 I would think, ok, totally understandable, he's confused.

But he's not 15, he's a grown up person. So, perhaps that means he is really immature and not thinking straight, or he's lying.

Doesn't really matter which, either way you get hurt.

This isn't just about alcoholism you know, although that is a HUGE issue with him, this about a lot more. He was an up and coming footballer with a great future, handsome, had money (probably), attention, living in, at least, a small limelight. Accolades from family and friends.

Them bam, that's all over.

He may be gay but cannot admit it not only to his family but not even to YOU and he had a relationship with you! That's a big huge red flag!

Top that off with an athletic future that will never be (huge disappointment and I do have compassion for him about that), a drinking problem, a cousin that will enable him, probably for years.

Now, why would you be involved in that?

I think the remarks you make about his cousin to him are just jabs to get back at him because that relationship makes you unhappy. Have you asked yourself if that's fair? He may be an alcoholic and he may not treat you well, but why do you want to make his life even more miserable.

Unless and until you are willing to step up to the plate and support him financially and put a roof over his head - ? If it weren't for her, he would be living on the street.

Glenjo99

Course I didn't expect my friendship to change him or get him clean/sober. I know enough about codependency to know only he can do that.

I suppose I like being in his company. You see it's very easy for others to read the thread when your looking at it from someone who's not emotionally involved, or addicted to him. I love being in his company, I get that hit every time, as he is quite charismatic. However I am aware I'm getting little else from it.

Glenjo99

Yes I get that he would be on the streets only for her. I just get freaked out by their relationship. How she gets jealous if he talks about anything we have done together, goes red and gets in a mood, it's not normal. Then there have been times where they have shared a bed! He said it was only for times when he had the shakes bad and she would cuddle him. Xmas Eve this happened again he said he only went in for a cuddle in the morning. I don't care what anyone else here thinks about this, I know this is not right. However as a codependent is it my place to tell him I'm guessing not according to melody beattie.

But it's so hard not to point out the inappropriateness of their physical contact and enabling. I don't do it to get jabs at all, I do it as I feel some good damn person should be showing him what healthy is. Not saying I can fix or save him but someone should be pointing this stuff out. The irony is, when he got clean before he would tell me about how his cousin was actually making him sick with the amount of drink she would buy him and other things, but he can't see it now again. I mean this is a guy who only revealed this year that he had been sexually abused by his dad for years . Shouldnt this cousin be even more aware because of this. All I know is I'm still missing some part of this puzzle.

I suppose that's why I need to focus back on me only again and not try point things out. He won't listen anyway.

Glenjo99

Thanks I know there's a lot of wisdom and good advise here. Just a bit sensitive last couple of days.

pdm22

Ever since you mentioned this movie, whenever you mention the cousin, I picture her in my head as Kathy Bates, yelling “he didn’t get out of the C**k-A-Doodie car!”



https://youtu.be/lJ3qj98u4q0

Glenjo99

Lol, it is scary!

Glenjo99

No contact from him since Xmas day. I'm not blocked on the messaging app anymore so must have unblocked me. Once again despite all my hard work on myself, I'm longing to hear from him.

His last message read "God bless,
I’m done with people pleasing.
You let me down on Xmas day.
Cheers".

Finding it hard to resist messaging to see how he is, yet don't want to make that initial contact. I know, no new contacts no new hurts, yet I have that longing.

suki44883

Just like the addict, you must deny the cravings. Find something to do to take your mind off it. You are only torturing yourself. Don't give in and then have to start over again on Day 1.

Glenjo99

I know. It's my stubbornness aswell won't allow me contact him.

trailmix

Good! Continue to be stubborn.

Although that won't get you too awfully far because he will contact you again.

It's that on again off again thing. He's taken a few days to get over his snit (and I call it a snit because grown-up people understand when someone refuses a social offer).

I don't know what it will take for you to break out of this.

Glenjo99

How can you be so sure he will contact me again?

Yes totally agree grown up people can say yes or no without throwing all their toys out of the pram.

Also can I say, I love that word snit! I have no idea what it means but it made me laugh.

trailmix

So he has taken his few days to get over his "snit" haha and unblocked you, awaiting your contact.

Above all (well aside from drinking) he has got to be bored out of his tree at this point. You are his "friend" (and I use that term loosely) you also provide a great deal of drama and this guy LOVES drama, so yeah, he'll be back, eventually.

Glenjo99

Yes he has unblocked me, but I haven't contacted him. Maybe he's just as stubborn hence no contact. He has got to be very bored at this stage I agree. Must have someone else to occupy him.

Still need to look up that word snit. Ok just googled it.

"a fit of irritation; a sulk". Perfect!

Hawkeye13

He'll contact you--don't doubt it--unfortunate but true.
He's bored and childish and doesn't care what impact his actions have on others.

Why don't you block him?

You spend so much of your precious life energy on this person who cannot give you anything of value in return between his addiction and dysfunction.

Glenjo99

I want to block him, yet the only thing I can put it down to is I want to hear from him as dysfunctional and unavailable as he is. I realise this sounds sad. Still can't bring myself to message him though.