Any Advice? Alcoholic Wife. I'm Fed Up.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,636
I read back through some of your threads and see that you have been trying to control this situation for at least 3 years now.
It seems, from what you have written that she doesn't have a problem with her drinking, you do. She hasn't voluntarily done anything, she was talked in to going to detox, that didn't pan out, so now you are going to try to talk to her about jumping through hoop XYZ?
I don't know, I guess you could put the suggestion forth and leave it at that, see if she ever contacts the doctor to make the referral, not sure why you would be contacting the doctor to do that? She is an alcoholic but she is not a child, she is a grown up woman. She doesn't drink two weeks out of every month, she has plenty of somewhat sober time to think all this through and chooses to continue drinking.
She has never even proposed quitting drinking. The only suggestion, that I saw in your earlier posts anyway, is that she wanted to cut down on her drinking because she was gaining weight - and that didn't pan out either.
I know you are coming at this from a place of caring, there is no question, I just don't understand what you are achieving?
Your posts go back at least 3 years and you are in no different a position that you were back then. All that's happened in the interim is that you have been focusing on her drinking and trying to get her to do things she is not interested in doing?
I'm not trying to "blame" you for anything or to make you feel bad, at all, I just don't understand where you are going with this.
It seems, from what you have written that she doesn't have a problem with her drinking, you do. She hasn't voluntarily done anything, she was talked in to going to detox, that didn't pan out, so now you are going to try to talk to her about jumping through hoop XYZ?
I don't know, I guess you could put the suggestion forth and leave it at that, see if she ever contacts the doctor to make the referral, not sure why you would be contacting the doctor to do that? She is an alcoholic but she is not a child, she is a grown up woman. She doesn't drink two weeks out of every month, she has plenty of somewhat sober time to think all this through and chooses to continue drinking.
She has never even proposed quitting drinking. The only suggestion, that I saw in your earlier posts anyway, is that she wanted to cut down on her drinking because she was gaining weight - and that didn't pan out either.
I know you are coming at this from a place of caring, there is no question, I just don't understand what you are achieving?
Your posts go back at least 3 years and you are in no different a position that you were back then. All that's happened in the interim is that you have been focusing on her drinking and trying to get her to do things she is not interested in doing?
I'm not trying to "blame" you for anything or to make you feel bad, at all, I just don't understand where you are going with this.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I'm sorry, Rev. She has literally no interest in quitting drinking. Maybe it is time to stop focusing on her choices and start focusing on accepting that so you can decide if this is how you want to live.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: The South
Posts: 59
Saturday, Dec. 29 update.
I talked to her this morning. Said that it was clear that she was drunk last night and explained what I had experienced. She sat and said nothing. I told her that I had believed her when I picked her up from detox...that she promised to quit drinking. Her response: "Alcoholics lie."
I told her about how things had affected me over the last two months...that I'd been hopeful when she entered detox...and then her behavior afterward. I'm talking kindly, telling her how hurt I am by her actions and that she's lied and hidden booze--something she's never done before. She says nothing.
Lastly, I told her that I'd talked with our doc who wanted to see her to check meds, etc., and that she (the doc) would refer her to a university med center specialist if she'd promise to go and work with the program. She said nothing.
I asked if she'd go. And, she said, "Yes, if that will get you off my ass."
I went upstairs, changed into gym clothes and left. Looking for a men's group nearby or an Alanon group. Calling a men's attorney Monday to see about divorce.
I talked to her this morning. Said that it was clear that she was drunk last night and explained what I had experienced. She sat and said nothing. I told her that I had believed her when I picked her up from detox...that she promised to quit drinking. Her response: "Alcoholics lie."
I told her about how things had affected me over the last two months...that I'd been hopeful when she entered detox...and then her behavior afterward. I'm talking kindly, telling her how hurt I am by her actions and that she's lied and hidden booze--something she's never done before. She says nothing.
Lastly, I told her that I'd talked with our doc who wanted to see her to check meds, etc., and that she (the doc) would refer her to a university med center specialist if she'd promise to go and work with the program. She said nothing.
I asked if she'd go. And, she said, "Yes, if that will get you off my ass."
I went upstairs, changed into gym clothes and left. Looking for a men's group nearby or an Alanon group. Calling a men's attorney Monday to see about divorce.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by Rev 3:16 
I went upstairs, changed into gym clothes and left. Looking for a men's group nearby or an Alanon group. Calling a men's attorney Monday to see about divorce.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
Her response: "Alcoholics lie."
I asked if she'd go. And, she said, "Yes, if that will get you off my ass."
I went upstairs, changed into gym clothes and left. Looking for a men's group nearby or an Alanon group. Calling a men's attorney Monday to see about divorce.
I went upstairs, changed into gym clothes and left. Looking for a men's group nearby or an Alanon group. Calling a men's attorney Monday to see about divorce.
Btw, in regard to her "yes" she'll go (for whatever reason) - keep in mind her first, undeniably true statement.
In search of myself
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Philadelphia FREEDOM
Posts: 149
Originally Posted by Rev 3:16
I told her that I had believed her when I picked her up from detox...that she promised to quit drinking. Her response: "Alcoholics lie."
Originally Posted by Rev 3:16
She says nothing.
Originally Posted by Rev 3:16
… she (the doc) would refer her to a university med center specialist if she'd promise to go and work with the program. She said nothing. … I asked if she'd go. And, she said, "Yes, if that will get you off my ass."
Sadly, it does seem that divorce is your only option. I'm sorry.
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 106
You can do this!!! Go live the life you want and deserve! I'm in a similar situation and I can't stop thinking about all the time I have wasted on focusing all my energy on someone who doesn't care about themselves or me. And until I take action nothing will change. I want the worry , sick to my stomach feeling , waiting game and crying myself into insanity to be gone! I want that to be gone for you too!
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 184
Hi Rev,
So it’s Monday and you’re going to be making your call—I think that’s a good thing. I have lived your life and you have made a valiant effort with your wife. That you have been at this for three years, I’m even more impressed with your commitment. Now...go live your life. It’s hard, I know, because we have become so focused on helping the A in our lives.
This time last year, my life was literally hell. That’s over. It’s been 8 months and a lot of hurt, grief, terror, crying...you name it. These holidays were peaceful for me: no one was drunk or screaming. I didn’t have to be afraid in my own house. It was tough getting to this place, but I am glad that I am here. But don’t think I’m perfect, did my mind wander to what he is doing this holiday? Yes, it did-at the same time, I know that he is responsible for what happens to him, not me. Did I care that he woke up alone (or with someone he picked up in a bar the night before) in some crappy apartment and probably ate a sub at the gas station for dinner? Not really, because I am finally accepting that he earned everything he’s got now. He had the opportunity for a good life and chose otherwise and I am finally able to accept that these outcomes were his choice—and not a lack of trying on my part to give a him a good life, as one would expect a spouse or significant other to do.
I was cleaning out my laptop over the weekend and found a letter that I had written to him two years ago. I had forgotten about it, to be honest. When I read it...I was actually floored. I remember giving him that letter and that his behavior changed for a few weeks, maybe. When I wrote the letter, it was less than two months after my father had passed away unexpectedly. I had caught him texting another woman. He was verbally abusive at that time, although I didn’t recognize it as such, and the abuse would escalate in type and frequency, becoming much more violent. The police had been to my house at 2:00 am, banging on the door, because someone in the development saw him run over a mailbox and called him in for driving erratically—he couldn’t find his key to the house and had no driver’s license—then he had screamed at me for over an hour that he was going to have all the police fired. He was drinking every day to oblivion. He had not gone back to work after losing a job (at that point, I didn’t know why he actually lost the job). You’re reading this and thinking “how could she not see?....”. Exactly. I didn’t—I thought it was my job to be a good fiancée and help him. I know better now.
Mango (on this site) always says “more will be revealed” and that is so true. I have learned things in the past 8 months that make me cringe and that have nearly made me sick. What I know now is that this will not be part of my life again and I am thankful for it—the guilt at not being able to help him is gone, because it was never my charge to fix and the real truth is that he would rather drink. So he gets his wish and I get on with my life, kind of like where you are today.
Along the way, there is so much insanity dealing with an alcoholic and the lies are just overwhelming. Something that I found very helpful to me was an article and I’ll paste the link here. When I first read this article, I hated it. I was living with an active A and dealing with his abuse. Now, two years later, I understand it and I can see him in it and I’m thankful to be rid of him and I can say that without feeling any guilt. He gets what he chose and what his behavior has earned. Here you go:
How the Alcoholic Thinks | Recovery Rocks
I wish you all the best.
So it’s Monday and you’re going to be making your call—I think that’s a good thing. I have lived your life and you have made a valiant effort with your wife. That you have been at this for three years, I’m even more impressed with your commitment. Now...go live your life. It’s hard, I know, because we have become so focused on helping the A in our lives.
This time last year, my life was literally hell. That’s over. It’s been 8 months and a lot of hurt, grief, terror, crying...you name it. These holidays were peaceful for me: no one was drunk or screaming. I didn’t have to be afraid in my own house. It was tough getting to this place, but I am glad that I am here. But don’t think I’m perfect, did my mind wander to what he is doing this holiday? Yes, it did-at the same time, I know that he is responsible for what happens to him, not me. Did I care that he woke up alone (or with someone he picked up in a bar the night before) in some crappy apartment and probably ate a sub at the gas station for dinner? Not really, because I am finally accepting that he earned everything he’s got now. He had the opportunity for a good life and chose otherwise and I am finally able to accept that these outcomes were his choice—and not a lack of trying on my part to give a him a good life, as one would expect a spouse or significant other to do.
I was cleaning out my laptop over the weekend and found a letter that I had written to him two years ago. I had forgotten about it, to be honest. When I read it...I was actually floored. I remember giving him that letter and that his behavior changed for a few weeks, maybe. When I wrote the letter, it was less than two months after my father had passed away unexpectedly. I had caught him texting another woman. He was verbally abusive at that time, although I didn’t recognize it as such, and the abuse would escalate in type and frequency, becoming much more violent. The police had been to my house at 2:00 am, banging on the door, because someone in the development saw him run over a mailbox and called him in for driving erratically—he couldn’t find his key to the house and had no driver’s license—then he had screamed at me for over an hour that he was going to have all the police fired. He was drinking every day to oblivion. He had not gone back to work after losing a job (at that point, I didn’t know why he actually lost the job). You’re reading this and thinking “how could she not see?....”. Exactly. I didn’t—I thought it was my job to be a good fiancée and help him. I know better now.
Mango (on this site) always says “more will be revealed” and that is so true. I have learned things in the past 8 months that make me cringe and that have nearly made me sick. What I know now is that this will not be part of my life again and I am thankful for it—the guilt at not being able to help him is gone, because it was never my charge to fix and the real truth is that he would rather drink. So he gets his wish and I get on with my life, kind of like where you are today.
Along the way, there is so much insanity dealing with an alcoholic and the lies are just overwhelming. Something that I found very helpful to me was an article and I’ll paste the link here. When I first read this article, I hated it. I was living with an active A and dealing with his abuse. Now, two years later, I understand it and I can see him in it and I’m thankful to be rid of him and I can say that without feeling any guilt. He gets what he chose and what his behavior has earned. Here you go:
How the Alcoholic Thinks | Recovery Rocks
I wish you all the best.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 199
I always find it funny when someone says they don't do well with ultimatums and the other person (me) says, "If by me telling you what I am willing and not willing to put up in my life is an "ultimatum," then so be it.
Rev, the writing is on the wall. YOU get to decide what you will and will not put up with in your life.
You said you want your wife of 10 years ago back, but that time is gone. Reality is here and I'm sure it suxs and isn't what you'd hope it would be. I'm truly sorry.
Cut your losses and move forward. ♥
Rev, the writing is on the wall. YOU get to decide what you will and will not put up with in your life.
You said you want your wife of 10 years ago back, but that time is gone. Reality is here and I'm sure it suxs and isn't what you'd hope it would be. I'm truly sorry.
Cut your losses and move forward. ♥
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: The South
Posts: 59
Originally Posted by Amusic
You can do this!!! Go live the life you want and deserve! I'm in a similar situation and I can't stop thinking about all the time I have wasted on focusing all my energy on someone who doesn't care about themselves or me. And until I take action nothing will change. I want the worry , sick to my stomach feeling , waiting game and crying myself into insanity to be gone! I want that to be gone for you too!
So Sunday, I ask her if she remembers what she did Saturday night? Slamming doors and babbling/yelling in her sleep? She'd gone to bed at 7 p.m. Her response: "What was I saying?" Nothing I could understand. "That figures." The rest of the morning...just the usual Sunday morning stuff...reading papers, tidying up, checking email and media. About four sentences exchanged.
(Background: We have a small "hobby farm," and there's stock to feed in the morning--a job that started out being hers because she wanted to be farm girl again, but that I've now inherited because the damned critters she wanted have got have to be fed even if she no longer wants to do it.)
She decides to go to Lowes to get "a new paint brush" for her office paint project at about 10 a.m. Her car, a little convertible, is parked in my workshop and blocked by my 30-year-old M6 BMW. Bear in mind, there are two other vehicles she could drive besides the little convert that she hasn't driven for two months. But, it's a nice day on Dec. 30 and the top is down.
I hear a crunch, look out the office window and see she that she's driven my M6 into one of the shop's big garage doors. She backs up and pulls the car off to the side and proceeds to get her car out. She leaves and comes back an hour later with the the paint brush, and two 1.3 liter boxes of wine. I had checked the shop doors and car after she left. I see she's crunched the shop door and damaged the little mechanism that holds it open. The M6 bumper has paint scratches and transfer from the shop door. She says nothing to me about the accident. I wait half an hour until noon to ask her about it. Deer in headlights look...defensive, angry with me when I bring it up.
So, here's how I asked about it..."Please come get me to help guide you when you need to move any of the cars around that are in the shop. Today when you got your car out, you hit the door with the red beemer, crunched the door and marked up the bumper to the car." Response: Eye daggers...."I'll pay for it to be fixed." Me: "It's not that bad and the bumper stuff will probably rub out with polish. I just want you to come get me when the cars need to be moved. They're sandwiched in there." Her response: "I'll pay for it to be fixed. I apologize." I say, again that the damage isn't the issue....that I just want her to come get me when cars need to be moved. "Will you please do that?" Silence.
I leave to take care of something else, ask if she wants lunch and she says no, but now she's got wine. At 2 p.m. I check to tell her I'm going to the gym, but she's in bed asleep. I leave a note. Back at 4 and she's still sleeping. I let her sleep until 5:30 and get her up for dinner. She says she's not hungry, I fix my own dinner and she goes back up to her study to drink. At 7:30 she calls to see if I'm coming to bed. Totally blotto. Nope, I'm watching TV. "Oh, well if you'd rather watch TV than come to be with me?" (Nope, that's not working this time...coming to bed with you at 7:30 means at least two hours of yammering.
Really, the worse it gets, the easier it is to stay level-headed. I'm seriously considering now that she's borderline personality disorder and that the drinking is just one of its manifestations.
Against the good advice of some SR friends here, I took the lead and made a doctor's appointment for her and will get her in to see her shrink tomorrow. At the same time, waiting for a call back from an attorney. I can multi-task.
Sorry for the length. This is serving as something cathartic for me. As they say in Al Anon..."take what you want and leave the rest."
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 120
My husband ignores my drinking and I feel like I am reading about myself when you talk about your wife. I wonder how my husband really sees me. He is enabling me and I think he doesn't realize it. I am glad you are not. I hate myself most days for not being able to stop and putting him through this. So I drink some more to numb the pain. It is a vicious and horrible cycle we go through. We know you are suffering too, but our addiction is stronger than you. If she does not want to stop then she won't. You are doing the right thing taking care of yourself. On behalf of all of us drunks, we really are sorry deep down.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: The South
Posts: 59
<<She decides to go to Lowes to get "a new paint brush" for her office paint project at about 10 a.m. Her car, a little convertible, is parked in my workshop and blocked by my 30-year-old M6 BMW. Bear in mind, there are two other vehicles she could drive besides the little convert that she hasn't driven for two months. But, it's a nice day on Dec. 30 and the top is down.>>
So there's no confusion...this about 10 am and I'm very sure before she's had anything to drink. I don't let her leave when she's loaded.
So there's no confusion...this about 10 am and I'm very sure before she's had anything to drink. I don't let her leave when she's loaded.
Last edited by Rev 3:16; 12-31-2018 at 10:58 AM. Reason: typo
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
rev.....don't assume, that, just because an alcoholic...especially one that is tipping the bottle way back....is clear headed, when they are technically "sober".....The alcohol disturbs the function of the neuroreceptors in the brain....and it takes months for them to return to a level resembling normal functioning, after they are totally abstainent….
It is, also, hard...if not impossible to make a definite diagnosis of disorders while a person is actively intoxicated.....alcoholism can mimic so many disorders.....
If you would like to know the latest research on what goes on inside the alcoholic/addicted brain....you might appreciate the following book...."The Addicted Brain" by Michael Kuhar….
It is, also, hard...if not impossible to make a definite diagnosis of disorders while a person is actively intoxicated.....alcoholism can mimic so many disorders.....
If you would like to know the latest research on what goes on inside the alcoholic/addicted brain....you might appreciate the following book...."The Addicted Brain" by Michael Kuhar….
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
I observed increasingly odd and disturbing behaviors and
memory lapses up to the time my AH entered recovery 2
months ago. Even now, sometimes he seems like someone
recovering from a head injury.....
memory lapses up to the time my AH entered recovery 2
months ago. Even now, sometimes he seems like someone
recovering from a head injury.....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 128
I just read your timeline. The way you analyze this difficult situation reminds me of me. I can look back at so many times when my words or actions or inactions might have made it harder for my husband to stop drinking. Or where I might have missed an opportunity to do something that might have helped. When I really think about it I realize that all my second guessing just adds another suffering emotion to my sadness: guilt. I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis last year, and the main symptom I have is mild to severe pain. I’m starting to realize that this disease might have been a gift. It’s no coincidence that over the holidays when my husbands drinking escalated to a point that I haven’t seen in twelve months, that my pain symptoms worsened. (Reminds me of the book, “when you be body says no”)
So UC is a gift because I have to make the choice to say no if I want to be able to function in life and manage my pain sympoms. I have to say no to that voice in my head when it says the following things:
“I should talk to him now because he he is remorseful”
“I should ask him what his plan is.”
“I should suggest that he reads such - and - such book”
“I have made the problem worse”
And I have to say no when he asks to sleep in my bed, promising not to wake me up and complaining that I am hurting him (only when he’s drunk)
I have to say no to watching tv together past the point where I am actually interested in watching tv while he drinks.
I have to say no to feeling guilty, feeling victimized, and trying to force a solution.
I have to say yes to letting myself have feelings and thoughts and just sitting with them and observing them.
I also have to say yes to anything that makes me feel happy. I’ve known this for thirty years, but I think my UC is a gift because it punishes me whenever I veer off towards problem solving.
I think that you should try not to put yourself in a position where she will say nasty things to you to defend her habit. I’m learning to practice better ways to spend my time, that strengthen me.
I’m so sorry you are struggling and I get it. Go easy on yourself.
So UC is a gift because I have to make the choice to say no if I want to be able to function in life and manage my pain sympoms. I have to say no to that voice in my head when it says the following things:
“I should talk to him now because he he is remorseful”
“I should ask him what his plan is.”
“I should suggest that he reads such - and - such book”
“I have made the problem worse”
And I have to say no when he asks to sleep in my bed, promising not to wake me up and complaining that I am hurting him (only when he’s drunk)
I have to say no to watching tv together past the point where I am actually interested in watching tv while he drinks.
I have to say no to feeling guilty, feeling victimized, and trying to force a solution.
I have to say yes to letting myself have feelings and thoughts and just sitting with them and observing them.
I also have to say yes to anything that makes me feel happy. I’ve known this for thirty years, but I think my UC is a gift because it punishes me whenever I veer off towards problem solving.
I think that you should try not to put yourself in a position where she will say nasty things to you to defend her habit. I’m learning to practice better ways to spend my time, that strengthen me.
I’m so sorry you are struggling and I get it. Go easy on yourself.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 62
I cringed when I read your post. It reminded me of all the pain (and the crazy train that I was on). I've gone through exactly the same things. If you read my prior posts, you'll see that I've since filed for divorce. It was the best thing I could have done. My husband has since sobered up and has been active in recovery. It's been a month since I filed and since he stopped drinking. He is still finding his way, and I have not stopped the divorce, I'm hopeful but cautious. Knowing that the divorce is still in process gives me peace when I worry about relapse. I know I don't have to go through with the divorce if I don't want to (I can stop it at any time). Either way, I am OFF the crazy train. You don't have to live like this. You have choices. Be strong! You will be fine once you start taking care of yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: The South
Posts: 59
Updating
It's been a while since posting and events have moved fast and I hope in a good direction. We'll see. Really, really need advice and "crowd wisdom" so please don't hold back.
Last Thursday (1/3/2019) morning things seeming going in a good direction. Wife was pleasant, up and around early. We talked about going to the "big city" downtown and having a nice lunch at our favorite restaurant. I finished up some stuff around the house and headed to the gym at 8 a.m. Got back at 10 and wife was a little "off." But, we set a time to leave...11:45 a.m. and I got out of gym clothes and into farm clothes to deal with stock feeding and whatnot. Back in after about an hour, shucked off the dirty clothes and got cleaned up. We roll out and head to "the big city!"
During the drive, wife starts acting impaired...slightly slurring words and just a bit wonky, but generally okay. After about 30 minutes in the restaurant, and after she's had half a glass of champagne she starts having problems with silverware and (we're seated at highboy tables) slipping off the stool. Her face looks odd. I ask if she has had a headache or has one. She says "yes," and I immediately think "stroke." Aside from the half glass of champagne at the restaurant, I haven't seen her drink anything.
I hustle her out...she can't identify our car... get her in the car and we head to the university medical center ER. I tell her I think she's having a stroke and we're going to the ER. Later, she asks where we're going and when I tell her the MedCenter ER, she says "no, I don't want to go there." When I tell her "yes," she starts getting mad.
We roll up. I get a wheelchair and assistants who grab her and she is immediately checked for vitals and given triage by ER nurses. Result...no immediate further care, but wait to see a doctor. At this point, wife is really mad and starts swearing. We're moved to a spot opposite the police office. From the wheel chair she kicks at me and starts pounding on the wall. Officers tell her to stop and she does. This repeats several times.
Finally we see a doc. No stroke, but she's clearly drunk and amongst the things she says to the doc: she doesn't see any reason for living, what difference would it make if she shot herself, etc, etc. Off we go to the psych rooms. Will spare you the next hours events, although a highlight is her being so angry with me that I have to leave the room before nurses can settle her down to draw blood.
A social worker who is part of the ER team came to talk with me. The blood draw showed blood/alcohol level three times the legal limit. They recommended admission to the psych hospital. I agreed, and left after 8 hours of drama. Kudos to a wonderful medical staff!
Since then, she's been involuntarily held at the hospital, has been given meds to ween her off alcohol and additional psychiatric treatment. She's been angry with me for taking her, for not coming to get her, and for generally being a stupid a*****e . Ain't love grand.
Back at home, I find four 1.3 liter boxes of wine hidden away--one under her bathroom vanity. I figure that she was either drinking after I went to sleep, or one that fateful Thursday started drinking when I left for the gym. But, damn...3X the legal limit in 2-3 hours?
In the week she's been gone, I've thrown anything with alcohol in it...including cooking wine. I've found two Al Anon groups nearby and have attended three meetings. And, I've made an appointment for next Tuesday to see a divorce attorney.
I hope she's going to accept help...she's agreed to continue with the anti-alcohol med shots and outpatient addiction treatment. I hope we're headed in a good direction and I'll work hard to make it happen. BUT, one drink will be too many. One badass attitude will be too many. I'll help her. I still love her, but love is not enough. I'm not being a chump any more.
Thanks to HOPEFUL4 for this:
"I never knew how strong I was until I had to forgive someone who wasn't sorry, and accept an apology I never received."
Last Thursday (1/3/2019) morning things seeming going in a good direction. Wife was pleasant, up and around early. We talked about going to the "big city" downtown and having a nice lunch at our favorite restaurant. I finished up some stuff around the house and headed to the gym at 8 a.m. Got back at 10 and wife was a little "off." But, we set a time to leave...11:45 a.m. and I got out of gym clothes and into farm clothes to deal with stock feeding and whatnot. Back in after about an hour, shucked off the dirty clothes and got cleaned up. We roll out and head to "the big city!"
During the drive, wife starts acting impaired...slightly slurring words and just a bit wonky, but generally okay. After about 30 minutes in the restaurant, and after she's had half a glass of champagne she starts having problems with silverware and (we're seated at highboy tables) slipping off the stool. Her face looks odd. I ask if she has had a headache or has one. She says "yes," and I immediately think "stroke." Aside from the half glass of champagne at the restaurant, I haven't seen her drink anything.
I hustle her out...she can't identify our car... get her in the car and we head to the university medical center ER. I tell her I think she's having a stroke and we're going to the ER. Later, she asks where we're going and when I tell her the MedCenter ER, she says "no, I don't want to go there." When I tell her "yes," she starts getting mad.
We roll up. I get a wheelchair and assistants who grab her and she is immediately checked for vitals and given triage by ER nurses. Result...no immediate further care, but wait to see a doctor. At this point, wife is really mad and starts swearing. We're moved to a spot opposite the police office. From the wheel chair she kicks at me and starts pounding on the wall. Officers tell her to stop and she does. This repeats several times.
Finally we see a doc. No stroke, but she's clearly drunk and amongst the things she says to the doc: she doesn't see any reason for living, what difference would it make if she shot herself, etc, etc. Off we go to the psych rooms. Will spare you the next hours events, although a highlight is her being so angry with me that I have to leave the room before nurses can settle her down to draw blood.
A social worker who is part of the ER team came to talk with me. The blood draw showed blood/alcohol level three times the legal limit. They recommended admission to the psych hospital. I agreed, and left after 8 hours of drama. Kudos to a wonderful medical staff!
Since then, she's been involuntarily held at the hospital, has been given meds to ween her off alcohol and additional psychiatric treatment. She's been angry with me for taking her, for not coming to get her, and for generally being a stupid a*****e . Ain't love grand.
Back at home, I find four 1.3 liter boxes of wine hidden away--one under her bathroom vanity. I figure that she was either drinking after I went to sleep, or one that fateful Thursday started drinking when I left for the gym. But, damn...3X the legal limit in 2-3 hours?
In the week she's been gone, I've thrown anything with alcohol in it...including cooking wine. I've found two Al Anon groups nearby and have attended three meetings. And, I've made an appointment for next Tuesday to see a divorce attorney.
I hope she's going to accept help...she's agreed to continue with the anti-alcohol med shots and outpatient addiction treatment. I hope we're headed in a good direction and I'll work hard to make it happen. BUT, one drink will be too many. One badass attitude will be too many. I'll help her. I still love her, but love is not enough. I'm not being a chump any more.
Thanks to HOPEFUL4 for this:
"I never knew how strong I was until I had to forgive someone who wasn't sorry, and accept an apology I never received."
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Oh Rev, I am so sorry you are going through this. That is one massive amount of stress. I am very happy to hear you have sought out and been attending Alanon. Self care is VERY important.
Thing is, it should be her saying she will work hard to make it happen. There is really nothing you can do except what you already have, and God Bless you for doing that. I would not expect too much. If she is this angry about being committed, then she is not really getting too much out of it, and may very well drink the day she comes home. I only say this so your eyes are wide open.
I would definitely have a contract in place that she signs when sober, even before coming home, stating she will do X thing when and if she relapses (Sit down and make a list, include everything you can think of. This won't hold up in court or anything, but it can still be used to show how desperate things had become and what she was willing to agree to in sound mind). Most importantly, that she moves out.
I say that b/c divorce can be a long and nasty process, and you may not want to live with her during that time. Basically prepare for the worst, hope and pray for the best. Make sure said divorce attorney is familiar with addiction issues and all that comes with it. If not, find a different one who is. Don't let yourself be manipulated and guilted. That kept me in a toxic marriage for years.
Sending you a huge hug and lots of support! I am glad my signature tag helped you, it was an epiphany to me and continues to be.
Thing is, it should be her saying she will work hard to make it happen. There is really nothing you can do except what you already have, and God Bless you for doing that. I would not expect too much. If she is this angry about being committed, then she is not really getting too much out of it, and may very well drink the day she comes home. I only say this so your eyes are wide open.
I would definitely have a contract in place that she signs when sober, even before coming home, stating she will do X thing when and if she relapses (Sit down and make a list, include everything you can think of. This won't hold up in court or anything, but it can still be used to show how desperate things had become and what she was willing to agree to in sound mind). Most importantly, that she moves out.
I say that b/c divorce can be a long and nasty process, and you may not want to live with her during that time. Basically prepare for the worst, hope and pray for the best. Make sure said divorce attorney is familiar with addiction issues and all that comes with it. If not, find a different one who is. Don't let yourself be manipulated and guilted. That kept me in a toxic marriage for years.
Sending you a huge hug and lots of support! I am glad my signature tag helped you, it was an epiphany to me and continues to be.
Originally Posted by Rev 3:16
I'll work hard to make it happen. BUT, one drink will be too many. One badass attitude will be too many. I'll help her. I still love her, but love is not enough. I'm not being a chump any more.
Thanks to HOPEFUL4 for this:
"I never knew how strong I was until I had to forgive someone who wasn't sorry, and accept an apology I never received."
Thanks to HOPEFUL4 for this:
"I never knew how strong I was until I had to forgive someone who wasn't sorry, and accept an apology I never received."
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