honeypig

I just want to remind everyone to make sure to take care of themselves during this busy (often frantic!) time of the year. I've been really struggling w/a number of things, feeling indecisive, fearful and angry way more often than usual. I'm having a hard time keeping several things at a time in my head, which is usually not a problem. I've been very, very tired, to the point where I don't do much on many days except work and then come home and stare out the window or waste time on the computer. I'm feeling overwhelmed and unable to deal with life.

And I've been really down on myself about this. Today I actually took a half hour for myself, wrapped up in a cozy blanket and sat in my comfy new-to-me rocking chair and listened to a guided meditation for healing. I dozed off somewhere in the half hour it took, then woke up near the end. After it ended, I sat comfortably in my chair and watched the birds outside on the feeders, gazed around the room at all my things--spinning wheel, clump of amethyst crystals, books, "fake woodstove" heater--and felt such gratitude and love for everything I have and have received.

And then it dawned on me--my problem is that I AM TIRED. I have been running, running, running for a long time and I need downtime. I kept ignoring the needs of my body and spirit, and they are trying harder and harder to get my attention. Everything else can be solved, or at least brought down to size, if I just take time to feed and care for my body and spirit the same way I feed and care for my 3 wonderful hounds.

So simple, and yet so easy to forget. For any of you who are feeling the same, maybe this is what's going on w/you, too.

I'm a good solid Wisconsinite, even if not any kind of a football fan, so I'll close w/this on-point quote from the sainted Vince Lombardi of Green Bay Packers fame:

Mango212

(((hugs)))

Great message. I've been told 8 times in the last two days to be safe, in a few different ways -- by people I don't even know. We say "Happy Holidays" or "Merry Christmas" and they've simply been been adding on, very kindly, "Be safe." Weird, wonderful reminders.

Merry Christmas everyone. Take care of ourselves and stay safe!

Thank you very much, honeypig!

trailmix

This is timely HP, thanks for sharing that. It's so true. I found this out about myself a long time ago, I have to have my sleep or I'm really not good for anything.

A few months ago I was burning the candle at both ends and doing well for several weeks - weeeeeeeee, I thought wow, broken sleep schedule, I'm doing well.

Well I was, for a while. Then it starts to show up emotionally, found myself not handling things as well as I normally would and I knew at once what it was so I cut it out and lo and behold, that fixes it. We all need time to unwind and getting that 7-8 hours a night is really imperative for most people. I take a lot of time alone, I need it to recharge as many do.

Maudcat

Get some rest, HP,.
We need your amazing self here on SR.
Hugs.

LifeRecovery

HP-

I had a period of this for months in the last number of years.

I had dealt with a lot of hard stuff and a lot of things were so much better.....then this fatigue hit.

I feel like I took my own hibernation. It felt deeply uncomfortable at the time as it seemed never ending but I am immensely grateful that I did not have another choice.

I think I was resting/relaxing for years worth of stuff. All the frenetic, scattered life I was living prior to recovery and all the work of recovery.

I did make sure it was not physical but after than I just let myself have it.

I feel like it let all of my healing solidify and land. It helped me to trust my healing journey and stop fighting myself so much.

Gettingcloser

Thanks, Hp for this thread. I have been doing really well. Sober for over 6months. It is Christmas Eve and I am feeling uncomfortable.

It is a mixture of feeling stressed with all the running around crammed into a very short amount of time and also, lurking in the background, is a bit of the old ugly detached depressed feeling.
I found myself in the last few days wishing I could have the old days back when I could sip at my whiskey and coke and all problems would melt away. That was a long time ago before I turned into a full blown alcoholic.

When I read your thread I remembered that others are going through this as well and it is so worth it to just take some me time and just chill.
Thanks again!

Mango212

Hi honeypig,

Great message as the 2019 begins, also.

In giving myself time to rest, I gain awareness, self-kindness and productivity in good timing.

FireSprite

Amen. I practiced this during my vacation at home over the holidays.

This last year has had me running from crisis to crisis, plunging up & down on fast moving roller coasters of emotions, full of innumerable changes big & small.

I found that even when I was practicing self-care during all of this, I was emptying that cup as fast as I was filling it. So while I wasn't dissolving on a daily basis, I still wasn't operating at 100% & when I practiced self-care I was mostly bringing my levels back up to "just enough". I was never getting ahead or even feeling the full benefits of anything I was doing - but I wasn't rapidly degenerating either.

I spent the last 2 weeks pretty much turned off from all media & technology (except Netflix, lol). I worked on my property (so much progress) in small sessions & when I was tired or overwhelmed, I stopped. I spent a lot of time with friends, tons of time with DD, we binged all kinds of movies & tv series together & separately. Meditation, naps, journaling, exercise, etc were my every day Task List.

Equally important was letting go of "doing" & focusing on "being". I did chores, but didn't stress over what didn't get finished. I tackled a few projects but didn't set goals around finishing them - just one day, sometimes one hour at a time. This holiday was full of triggers - both FOO & husband related - & I couldn't always see them coming but I gave myself room to be imperfect & managed everything the best I could when I could. And like LR - once I gave myself this space, my fatigue showed up to fill it. I thought I'd be up late nights only to find myself turning in at a normal bedtime & then still sleeping in a bit in the mornings. Sometimes I was awake but devoid of any actual thought - just Being. We played a lot of pool (billiards) & darts - and I pulled out a calculator instead of manually tabulating the scores, lol. Any kind of break I felt like I needed - I took.

I was happily surprised to find my anxiety was far less when I returned to the office on Monday - I definitely feel more balanced & in control of my emotions & have seen a noticeable decrease in my panic attacks.

I hope you are feeling better honey!!

trailmix

That's a gem of a statement right there FS. That treading, not really getting the full benefit, just enough self care to keep on going without dissolving.

It's important to do more for ourselves, that's a really good message.

OpheliaKatz

I think I am feeling it too. 2018 was a tough year. I am tried. I hope you get some quality rest every night in 2019, Honeypig!

spiderqueen

Amen to all of the above!

Mango212

Hi honeypig,

Checking in. How are you doing? Are there recent improvements?




Sending sunny vibes!

honeypig

Thanks for checking in, Mango.

Looking back, I feel like I've been slooooowly running down, over the past couple of years. I can see my energy level dropping more and more. I don't notice things I used to notice, and many days I get home wanting only to go back to bed. I’ve come to believe that the main reason for that is my 3rd shift job.

When I first went back to the bakery, I was very happy about it. I've always liked the work and the place. However, more and more responsibilities kept landing on my plate (b/c I saw what needed doing and did it, regardless of whether it was "my job", and then soon enough it became my job to do those things). I used to come in around 3 AM, which is early, but gradually my start time worked its way back to midnight or 12:30. My alarm would go off at 10:30 PM to get up for the "day"! And I’m going to bed at 3 PM, hard enough in the winter but really really bad when it’s summer and a beautiful sunny afternoon...not to mention that I never sleep well, waking up many times during most "nights", blackout curtains or not.

I knew in a vague way that shift work had some health implications, but I was astounded by what I found when I looked into it a little more. Here’s one article that gives a quick summary: https://www.sleepfoundation.org/shif...-work-disorder

Working these hours is also incredibly isolating. Most social things are set up around that after work/after supper time that works for most people, but I’m asleep already by then. I am already spending virtually all of my work day alone in my delivery van, but now my home time is spent alone too. I’m not able to go to a talk at the library, to attend goings-on at the Urban Ecology Center, to join a volunteer effort at a local cause...I’m someone who’s really OK w/a lot of alone time, but this is too much even for me.

So I’m making a concerted effort to find daytime work. I did find a few decent prospects but unfortunately the pay wasn’t going to cut it for me. I’ve been very working class all my life and live cheap, but certain things are not negotiable—property taxes, for one. Earlier this week I met with a FedEx subcontractor, and tomorrow I’m doing a ride-along with one of her other drivers to see what a workday is like there. It’s daytime hours, I could live on the pay and keep on putting some away, and I got a good vibe from her as well as her employees (we walked the loading area and she introduced me to various drivers, talked about the routes and answered my questions).

More will be revealed.

Let me add a caveat: Those of you who are staying w/your A for whatever reason, think about the financial implications. I had scrimped and saved and worked a 2nd part-time job, planning that by this time in my life (will be 59 in the summer) I'd be able to throttle back, working less hours or working a lower paid but more rewarding job. With money going out faster than I could bring it in, that is not the case. Realistically, I'm looking at busting my ass until 70, and that was NOT what I wanted.

Yeah, I know, no crystal ball. I'm well aware of that. But I'm going to dig out that old SR chestnut, "Hope is NOT a plan." Think about your future. Don't let alcohol steal that, too.

Mango212

(((hugs)))

God/Universe works in amazing ways. One day at a time. Next Good Obvious Direction.

Many paths. Many ways to heal, including financially.

Hope is my plan. Along with the three A's: awareness, acceptance and action. Along with meditation, prayer, yoga and time in nature.

Good luck with the ride along tomorrow!!

trailmix

Hey HP, I hope the ride along is going well, sounds like a nice group from your description and the fact she showed you around and introduced you to everyone is always a good sign of course.

What a change in lifestyle that would be, summer is just around the corner!

Will be interested to see what you decide.

honeypig

Unfortunately the ride-along is postponed till Wednesday due to the snowstorm we got here. I cleared my driveway and was just leaving when my phone rang. It was my prospective boss, saying "B/c of the snow, we are going to be totally punting today--it's just not a good day for you to try to get a feel for the job. Why don't you just stay home and we'll shoot for Wednesday?"

I'm bummed to have to wait till then, but I understand. I'm sure I would have been more in the way than of any use on a day like today...

So a slight delay, but more will be revealed!

Awal

Its tough going it alone. Not the only reason l stay with my AH but certainly a consideration. He's retired but his forces pension pays the mortgage and goes towards bills. His state pension goes on him...including booze. I work 4 days and give a third of my salary to the housekeeping...2 thirds is mine to do as l wish. So in my case whilst ever it isnt unbearable l will continue (and also build a nest egg for a potential rainy day). If l left now it would just be swapping one set of problems for another. Respect to the ones who do it alone though.

Clover71

Hi HP

I missed this the first time around. It's a good reminder. I never stop and feel guilty when I do. Part of this is "conditioning" from AH's expectations, which is also might fault for taking it on. I have been better at this but still feel guilty and triggered by the nasty looks and smart comments I get when I haven't done what he thinks should have been done. I'm getting better. They were away visiting family, and I sat on the couch and binged watched a new series on showtime after work. It was so restful

Mango212

Happy Tuesday, honeypig. Good luck tomorrow!

honeypig

Thanks, Mango. There's snow in the forecast again, hope it's not enough to nix the plans again! Went down yesterday to pick up the stuff for the drug test/physical exam and got that out of the way on my way home. One more step done with...