dawn,

I just wanted to share something. I was in a similar type marriage. I am now divorced for 6 years but still dealing with a lot of the same issues because of the kids.

A few months ago, my teen son and I were talking about some past issue and I started crying and apologizing for not seeing all the issues their Dad had when I married him. That I was young and had made a bad choice for a Dad for them. His response was to turn and make sure to look me in the face and say, "Mom, he is a liar. A good liar. He tricked you. That's all. It wasn't your fault."

I don't think it matters if it is the good wolf or bad wolf or if drinking or other psychological issues are the reason for the way he is acting towards you. Either way you don't deserve it.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Hugs.
4MyBoys

Sending you lots of support friend! It's hard to peel back those layers and see what is underneath.

Keep taking good care of you!

Not much to add to what others have said, beyond ... yeah, me too. The sensation of literally not knowing who this person is that you appear to have married is profoundly disorienting and destabilizing. Skilled liars are very, very good at what they do (and if they believe their own lies, they're even better/worse).

Dawn, just want to clarify that I wasn't saying you are in any way responsible for anything he did to you or himself. So when I told the wolf story... I was really saying, "it's not you, it's him" -- his problem with himself, not with you. When we separate from a marriage, we go through anger and grief... not in that order necessarily, and sometimes both at once. Both of those emotional states are useful.

My DD says “he’s a con man”

Because he is. That's part of who he is because he's chosen to act that way.

I've had someone call my ex a con-artist too. It's not that he wasn't also good to me in the early part of the relationship. That could have been a lie or not. But the fact is that eventually he showed me that he could also act like a monster. No one has to live with that. Not me. Not you.

Oh gosh. My XAH is/was a huge con man. I look back and am disgusted that I was so blind, or maybe I chose to be after a time b/c facing it was too hard. Either way, he is a con. My kids see it too, and it has made them very weary of the men in their lives. My DD just said to me the other day that she is never having children as she does not want them to go through the same pain she has. Tragic. Simply tragic.

Huge hugs and lots of support friend!

My son used to say the exact same thing now he says he might adopt there is hope :)