lostinjersey1

Hi All:

I was told from a family member that he is no longer in that cold house and is now under "medical care". I am assuming that means rehab, here's to hoping the 5th time actually works..

I am conflicted, I know he is going to contact me (when he is sober he realizes how much he loves and needs me, which doesn't last long." Apart of me really wants to be done, and ignore any phone calls, but another part of me wants to answer the phone..But this has never worked in the past, when he gets out he will be sober a week and go back to drinking.

Does anyone have experience with rehabs? like how long are they in detox? how long before they can make phone calls? All the places have been different. I am assuming he has now been there about a week now. I truly hope it works this time, but he has hurt me to bad that I really want to be done.

Thank you all for your support and help through this!

biminiblue

So be done.

I think it's common to have some curiosity, but you know what it did to that cat.

I have said, "I have nothing to say," when recently separated and he calls. Just have a plan for what you'll say. I don't think knowing what he's up to is helpful.

He's not even in the same zip code as recovered and it's just more of the same. He pulled out. Keep reminding yourself of the misery.

With that said, he may not call. Deal with it when and if it happens instead of future tripping.

Maudcat

Hi, Lost.
Welcome.
Sounds like you are ready for a change.
Bit scary, but doable.
It gets easier. Just take that first step: don’t answer his call.

SparkleKitty

You can't control whether or when he calls, but you can take this time of peace and quiet to really reflect on what it is you want and need from a relationship and examine whether this person will ever be compatible to you in that way. To hand him over to his Higher Power and focus on taking care of yourself regardless of the path he chooses. If you can do that, you'll know what to do if and when he calls you.

tomsteve

but he has hurt me to bad that I really want to be done.

if you truly want to be done then dont concern yourself with Does anyone have experience with rehabs? like how long are they in detox? how long before they can make phone calls?

LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future

dandylion

lostinHersey…...I think that biminiblue fives a good tip---everytime you start to stress about him....recall, in detail, what misery this has caused you, in your life.....Make a list, and keep it handy.
Over time, we tend to "forget" how bad it really was....selective recall.

Try to be glad that he is in the care of professionals....and, try to leave it at that.....otherwise, you can, so easily, get sucked right back in to the vortex, where you were before....a scenario that you have absolutely no control over....

atalose

Does anyone have experience with rehabs? like how long are they in detox? how long before they can make phone calls?

It’s very hard to say because there are so many variables and each detox/rehab can be different. Does he have his phone with him, would he even know your phone number if he doesn’t have his phone? What would he be calling you for? What need would you be able to fulfill for him right now? A ride because he doesn’t want to stay? Money because he doesn’t really want recovery? You have to think that in this very early stage of recovery it’s still all about him and his needs and wants. You basically are a resource to him sadly to say. And in time it will be revealed exactly what the expected resource from you will be.

Love, friendship and support are usually just vails covering something else up this early in recovery should he even call you and ask, use extreme caution.

Understanding how rehabs work can take away any expectations you might have that in 30 days things will be looking great! No, rehab is merely an opportunity for him if he should choose recovery, they provide him the tools that he will need to remain sober and a plan to help him achieve that, again, if he chooses. The rehabs job is not to cure him, or fix him they simple provide him with knowledge the rest is solely up to him.

A good predictor of someone’s future behavior is with their past behavior.

trailmix

This is rehab number 6? I do hope it sticks this time.

Is this a relationship you want? I totally get you caring about him, he treats you well on the rare occasions he is sober, so perhaps a really good guy lurks beneath the alcoholism.

He is in no position to be looking out for you or you in a relationship with him true? He can't actually take care of himself at this point. If you do intend to stay with it, you really need to know that, still your choice of course.

Personally, if I were going to continue and he called, I would answer and say, call me back when you have been sober for six month and we can talk. Talk! Not rush in to getting back together, but that's just my take on it.

Barring that, you will just continue to ride this roller coaster when/if he starts drinking again.

He has a very, very serious addiction problem here. You can't help him right now, he needs professional help and he is getting that, wait to see how that goes and then give yourself the gift of giving yourself lots of space perhaps?

Mango212

One thing I heard here at SR is that "I love you" from an alcoholic/addict often can be translated to "you put up with my crap".

Through our own recovery, much of this naturally is shook out.

lostinjersey1

That is the thing, I don't want to be with him again, I have a feeling he is never going to get better. I am TIRED of him being amazing for a week and just going back to this depressive drinking stage. He know's he shouldn't be in any relationships, I told him that. If I do hear from him I will tell him to contact me when he is six months sober. I cannot handle this lifestyle anymore.

Mango212

Instead of telling him what he should or shouldn't be doing or what time frame to contact you in, perhaps re-word things a bit to "I" statements too, like most of the above. You're doing great! What you're saying, the actions you're taking, etc. seem really healthy.

Awal

Can you find out where he is and write to him and state its done once and for all? It sounds like youve had enough and he really needs to know you mean it. Whether you are there for him or not he will do what he wants to do. But you have to let him know that you are moving on. You dont describe any value in this relationship...time to look after you now. X

Mango212

Going No Contact says this much better than engaging back into an unhealthy situation.

trailmix

I agree but letting someone know that you are going no-contact is the correct thing to do, in my opinion, no need to be rude to anyone in the course of doing that?

(disclaimer - all that flies out the window where the other party is abusive).

Mango212

I guess a big part of it also is from the principles of:

One day at a time. It's hard to know where we'll really be six months or a year from now.

Do no harm.

Set our own boundaries.

What would it be like to be on the receiving end of that kind of letter? T.H.I.N.K. Is it thoughtful, honest, intelligent, necessary and kind?

Take what you like and leave the rest, as always.

Awal

lt's just my opinion of course, but l think writing that letter would give closure to the writer. The recipient would at least know he has burned his bridges once and for all. He made his choices a long time ago and we can all see that he hasnt treated lostinjersey respectfully. The letter is for benefit of lostinjersey not the A.