New here ...a little advice please....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Ireland
Posts: 79
New here ...a little advice please....
Hi - My DH is an alcoholic. At the moment he is waiting to start a 30 program - it is not until 4 January - he has not had a drink for 17 days - yesterday he decided to celebrate that with having a few drinks - he didn't come home until late and I pretended I was asleep and I left for work this morning before he woke up. I guess my question is - how do I handle the "falling off the wagon" He had been doing really well up until now and I was so proud of him - now i am so disappointed. Do i say nothing and let him stew in his own mess or do I say something and let him know how annoyed, upset, disapointed I am??????
H-E-L-P !
H-E-L-P !
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Hey Buster, welcome to Sober Recovery.
No sense pretending that you don't know he was drinking.
You certainly have every right to voice your feelings in a hearable way.
My guess is that he will get defensive.
He's probably feeling pretty guilty about the slip.
I'm glad you found us.
Stick around.
There are a lot of people here who understand what you're going through.
Gabe
No sense pretending that you don't know he was drinking.
You certainly have every right to voice your feelings in a hearable way.
My guess is that he will get defensive.
He's probably feeling pretty guilty about the slip.
I'm glad you found us.
Stick around.
There are a lot of people here who understand what you're going through.
Gabe
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: some where in Kansas
Posts: 42
you do what you want. the first time I found out that my husband slipped I flipped! I am used to it now and I don't even worry about it now. If he slips, it is his problem. I don't like to even talk to him about it if he slips cause some how, if he knows I know, he blames it on me. I did something that made him drink. Additionally, now when he slips, he only drinks one or two beers and he doesn't get drunk so I guess... it isn't that big of a deal, although I know it isn't what the aa program says should happen, but as long as my kids are safe, I don't care if he drinks a beer now and then, just as long as he leaves me alone.
I think it's pretty common in the beginning for A's to slip. My AH has slipped once that he admits to. I mentioned it when I was sure about it and of course it was my fault because I made him angry. I believe it takes a while for them to learn how to handle
thier emotions without alcohol. In other words they have to live in the real world. If
there is a rule about confronting them or not I haven't heard it. I think it depends on
what works for you. This web sight helps me alot--just reading and knowing I'm not alone and there aren't any hard and fast rules. You just do the best you can.
Smiles--Dee
thier emotions without alcohol. In other words they have to live in the real world. If
there is a rule about confronting them or not I haven't heard it. I think it depends on
what works for you. This web sight helps me alot--just reading and knowing I'm not alone and there aren't any hard and fast rules. You just do the best you can.
Smiles--Dee
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Great Falls, Montana
Posts: 2
Need some advice too.........
I'm new to this site too. I found out the my bf has been drinking again. He went through treatment 3+ years ago. We started dating 2 years ago....he told me that he didn't drink......that he was sober. Duh me. I didn't find out until we moved in together.....well, I guess that I knew it all along, but the denial was a wonderful thing. He says that he knows he has a problem and TOLD me that he went to an AA meeting......trouble is......what do I believe now? Does it matter? I want him healthy, but at this point i'm feeling so confused on what to believe or not to believe. I've been reading codependent no more.....I think I need to buy it on tape and play it over and over and over and over. I know i'm rambling now.....but i just feel very lost........thanks for listening........
Gracie
Gracie
Hi Gracie232,
Welcome. I remember that feeling of betrayal when I found out that my exA b/f did, indeed, drink (he also said he was a non drinker - never once admitted that it was or is a problem). Like you I kinda knew all along but... ah denial... It was like a kick in the gut when I finally realized that he was a full blown alcoholic.
You're in a good place here - lots of great advice! Co-Dependent No More is a great book - it really opened my eyes.
Marti
Welcome. I remember that feeling of betrayal when I found out that my exA b/f did, indeed, drink (he also said he was a non drinker - never once admitted that it was or is a problem). Like you I kinda knew all along but... ah denial... It was like a kick in the gut when I finally realized that he was a full blown alcoholic.
You're in a good place here - lots of great advice! Co-Dependent No More is a great book - it really opened my eyes.
Marti
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Great Falls, Montana
Posts: 2
Thanks Marti!
Funny thing is when I put 2 and 2 together and realized that he was drinking, he finally came clean and said that yes, he was drinking again. He bounces back and forth between saying he has a problem and saying that the reason he went to treatment was because of his ex wife. I don't even discuss it with him anymore. I don't know what is my place to say or not to say. I know i'm Co-Dependent...i've had enough relationships with A's to know that. I'm trying hard to get myself to where I need to be, but I don't know what i'm supposed to say or do when it comes to my bf. I do know that he has to want to get help....want to be sober.....i'm not sure that's what he wants. He says it, but I think it's because he's afraid i'll leave him if he doesn't. My big thing was, how long do I wait and see if he's gonna get help? Now I know that no one can tell me that. I just don't trust myself anymore. I don't know if he's been drinking, I can't tell. I feel stupid, but it's been so long since i've been around it, that I just feel dumb. I know i'm not a stupid person, so why can't I tell????????
Funny thing is when I put 2 and 2 together and realized that he was drinking, he finally came clean and said that yes, he was drinking again. He bounces back and forth between saying he has a problem and saying that the reason he went to treatment was because of his ex wife. I don't even discuss it with him anymore. I don't know what is my place to say or not to say. I know i'm Co-Dependent...i've had enough relationships with A's to know that. I'm trying hard to get myself to where I need to be, but I don't know what i'm supposed to say or do when it comes to my bf. I do know that he has to want to get help....want to be sober.....i'm not sure that's what he wants. He says it, but I think it's because he's afraid i'll leave him if he doesn't. My big thing was, how long do I wait and see if he's gonna get help? Now I know that no one can tell me that. I just don't trust myself anymore. I don't know if he's been drinking, I can't tell. I feel stupid, but it's been so long since i've been around it, that I just feel dumb. I know i'm not a stupid person, so why can't I tell????????
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Ireland
Posts: 79
Well...I did let rip a little - he knows I was mad as hell. It wasn't just the fact that he had a few beers....he also wrote up about $150 worth of cheques - that is money we just don't have and I AM NOT paying for them this time. I have done it so many times in the past - he needs to accepts the consequences of his actions this time.
We tried to see if the centre could take him earlier than Jan, but they have no spaces....til then I just have to hope that things don't get so bad. If he doesn't go & get the treatment...that is is - we are over - it is our last chance at a "normal" life - we have a 2yr son and we both deserve better that this
We tried to see if the centre could take him earlier than Jan, but they have no spaces....til then I just have to hope that things don't get so bad. If he doesn't go & get the treatment...that is is - we are over - it is our last chance at a "normal" life - we have a 2yr son and we both deserve better that this
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