notm

I am fairly new to the board but have lurked for a long while. By boyfriend and I are in our late 40's. We met about 5 years ago. At the time he was what I thought to be a "heavy drinker" but when we moved in together I slowly realized he was a functioning alcoholic and a real jerk when he drank.

After a year and a half of being unhappy, I broke up with him. Rather than moving out, he quit drinking and was sober for over a year. Things were good but I was always keeping an eye out for signs of drinking. Some started to pop up last year. We had some other issues too and to make a long story short, we did break up and he moved out. He IMMEDIATELY started drinking again. He said he could drink like a normal person now and would do so.

We are still "together" even though we live apart. There have been at least 2 occasions in the past 5 months that he was horrible to me on the phone and I am sure he was drinking (he denies it). I have seen him drink in a responsible way but it makes my stomach turn every time I see him take a beer or a glass of wine. Or both.

I find this has all killed our physical relationship and I keep a little distanced from him emotionally too. I am just so confused. He is so heartbroken when I talk about this stuff and he manages to turn it around and make it into ME being the problem (I am going through perimenopause and do have mood swings). I want to get married one day but I am not sure he is the one and yet sometimes I convince myself that his drinking doesn't matter.

Anyways...I guess I just wanted to share my story with people who might understand. I am in therapy too :-)

trailmix

Hi notm and welcome, so glad you decided to post.

I'm wondering, when you say he was a "real jerk" when drinking, you mean while drinking or in the aftermath? Did he hide that from you before you moved in together?

Him turning things around and making you the problem just sounds like manipulation. The fact that he isn't willing to discuss that he has a huge problem with a drug (alcoholism) is pretty telling.

If you are "not sure" after 5 years, I'd say that is a pretty good indicator that he is not the person you are supposed to be marrying? What does your therapist have to say about it?

notm

Hi trailmix,

thanks for the reply. I was a little afraid to finally post something.

When he used to drink, he would pretty much drink until he passed out, three or 4 times a week. He would often be belligerent when he hit 4 or 5 drinks. Macho. Expert on everything. Alpha dog. Any argument we had would be escalated to nuclear level and sometimes would end up verbally abusive (calling me an f-ing b-tch etc). Then the next morning would be the sad panda "I'm sorry" and perfect behaviour until the next time.

Now he has decided that he can drink like a "normal" person. We don't live together anymore so I don't see if this is what he does when he is home alone. All I know is on 2 separate occasions we have had nuclear fights by phone that follow the exact same pattern as when he was drinking heavily. He feels there is absolutely no problem with him drinking and limiting himself.

My therapist won't tell me what to do, obviously but she does tend to stress that it is not promising behaviour. I had the strength to ask him to move out last fall. I felt like I was devastating him and I was devastated myself. It's left me tired and feeling like a horrible person.

trailmix

Yes, it can be a little scary posting the first time, I read for a long time too, but again, i'm glad you did.

Well, as you have read around a bit I imagine you already know that what he appears to be doing is just - drinking, like he always has.

Him calling you names like that is so totally unacceptable. You deserve to be treated with respect at all times and him being drunk is no excuse to abuse you.

You may have also ready that he doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do (which always sounds harsh). Harsh but true. He wants to drink when he wants to and hasn't shown any sign of quitting, based on what you have posted.

So what is in this for you? Is it time to move on? You must know there are better things and people out there for you?

notm

I think right now I am just trying to feel like "it's ok not to be ok" with the fact that he is drinking again. Even if he has succeeded in drinking like a "normal" person I am still on eggshells wondering if he is going to overdo it one night and have the Dr Jekyll come out. I have also realized that this fear, even when he was sober for all that time, has been keeping me from getting closer to him over the years.

So here I am - saying it out loud! I never really trusted him to not turn into that "jerk" again so I kept my distance from him even when he was being a wonderful boyfriend and not drinking for a year and a half.

Is it normal to feel like this? Is this kind of what other people have felt like??

Next step...be ok with not being ok with it and figure out what I want next!

FallenAngelina

In a way, his drinking doesn't matter. Your experience of being in this relationship is what matters, no matter if and how much and when he drinks. If he thinks that he is drinking like a "normal" person but your experience in the relationship is an unhappy one, it really doesn't matter whether he is drinking like a normal person or not. It's been a really helpful shift for me to take my focus off of the drinking (and even the sobriety) and keep it on how I am experiencing the relationship. Learning about alcoholism is an enormous benefit, but every person has to evaluate for herself what makes being in a relationship worth her life-time. Is being with this man, as he is right now, no matter how much alcohol he does or does put into his body, how you want to be spending your days on this earth? Your experience is all that matters.

trailmix

In my experience it is totally normal to feel like that. When someone keeps hurting you over and over you pull away, that's a normal human reaction to an upsetting situation.

I've said before, even if you don't purposefully detach from an alcoholic eventually it will happen naturally. Who can remain emotionally vulnerable to someone who hurts you?

And yes, I agree, what do you want next. If you are going to continue on in this relationship you are going to have to accept him just the way he is, otherwise you will make yourself crazy. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it.

Now, staying in the relationship might drive you crazy too (I use that term loosely btw), if you expect him to be anyone other than who he is but really that is the choice.

Or you can decide you deserve better. Someone who is careful and respectful of your feelings and interested in your life and what you need.

Have you ever been to an Al-Anon meeting?

Sleepyhollo

Newsflash....problem drinkers cannot drink like « normal » people. Believe me, my ex tried several times. It may work ok for a little while but they will revert back to out of control drinking. He has got the perfect set up now. You are not living together so he can drink to his hearts content and if you are lucky he will be on his best best behavior when he is with you. Is that a way to live? You are not even married. Unless he himself is committed to stopping drinking and getting serious about recovery (stopping drinking is only a microscopic part of true recovery) then I would say cut all ties. This is not going to get better, it will only get worse. And they are master manipulators as you ave discovered. Treating you like poo and then having regrets the next day....very typical abuser behavior. The only difference is that he does not (at least I think not) physically abuse you.if the did it would be more obvious and even then it is hard for people to walk out.
Believe me, I get the not wanting to be physical with him.

And your therapist won’t tell you want to do but a good therapist and make you think and work you way through it. Do they have much experience with addiction ? Because that would be very helpful. Mine always played the devils advocate, he knew where I was mentally but always challenged my beliefs just to make sure I explored all options and feeling and would have no regrets whether I decided to stay or go. It took me a long time to come to terms with it all but I am really thankful for him. I even told him that without him I would probably still married lol. That was meant as a compliment .

Like someone else said, if after 5 years you are not sure, then that says a lot. Even if he decided today that he wants to get clean I would still give it at least a year to see where it is going. Because you know he has stopped before, but unless he changes his coping skills and deals with whatever he is self medicating he won’t stay clean (my ex stayed sober for 13 months but it was not much better). You will always be waiting for him to fall of the wagon and that is stressful. And he won’t admit to drinking., but more than likely you know his behaviors when he is drunk. And that is stressful in itself.

I u derstand feelign sorry for him. Truth is, you cannot fix him, there is not enough love in the world to fix an addict, unless they are wanting to fix themselves. And even then they need to do it on their own. I have been through the cycles several times. He finally got clean when I hit rock bottom only because he also had gotten to the point where he was ready to quit. He has been sober 2 years but too much damage was done to the relationship and I could not get past it. Once the physical attraction is gone it is hard to come back from.

You don’t need to make any decisions today. At least he doesn’t live with you. Set boundaries. For example, If he is drunk you won’t engage whether it is by phone or in person. Read codependent no more. You will more than likely be able to really relate. I know I did. Also watch pleasure unwoven. A really good documentary on addiction . It will help you understand. I know I thought I understood addiction but I really knew very little about it. Educate yourself and it will help you along in the decision making process. But to not be married and already be miserable is not a good sign. The good times do not make up for the bad times but we like to hang on to those because we know this person has it in them to be nice...sometimes. Sitting around hoping he will get sober is probably a waste of time unfortunately. I know if I had not had a kiddo with my ex I probably would have bailed a lot sooner. But I kept hoping that this time it would be better. Except for it wasn’t until it was too late.

Look around on here, you will find so many similar stories. We have all been there. It is so hard to realize that you can’t help add Picts. Our hearts are in the right place but unfortunately it doesn’t work that way. If love could fix addicts we would not be here.

Glad you found us. I did not find this until my ex was out of rehab but it has still been very helpful to me. No one understand unless they have lived this. Even when people mean well, they just don’t understand the depth of it unless they have either been an alcoholic or lived with one. So it is good to have supportive people around but you also need to have people that can really relate.

Also consider checking out alanon. Take care of you and try to not let this consume you as hard as it is. Think about yourself., he certainly is. Do something nice for yourself. Because you don’t deserve to be treated like dirt. Alcohol is his number one priority in your relationship and that is not how it should be. You deserve much better than that.

dandylion

notm….if you have "lurked" for a long time...do you know about our extensive library of articles about alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones? The library of articles is called "Classic Readings"...and there are more than 100 of them! Enough for you to read one every single day.....It is located within the stickies section...above the threads.
I am giving you the following link to the library.....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

"Co-dependent No More" is among the most recommended book, on this forum,,,,It is an easy read, and I think it will really resonate with you.....
This book may help you to realize that you are not a horrible person...but, have been badly affected by his drinking.....

OpheliaKatz

Sounds like he's not the one. I think if you want to find "the one", you might want to consider freeing up your time to actually find him... instead of hoping that this guy will become someone he's not.

I have been through menopause, as have millions of women around the world... and they don't ALL end up being dumped or divorced (etc...) because of mood swings. Don't blame anything on menopause. Men go through andropause and no one says, "our relationships suffered because he was insecure as he was going through andropause and thus difficult to live with." Anyone worth your time is going to say, "oh she's going through perimenopause/menopause, I had better be nice to her/ watch some Barbara Taylor videos [except ignore the bit where she says you're going to be hard to live with during menopause -- how would she know? She's never lived with a menopausal woman, she's only been one], and maybe buy a fancy hand-held fan for her when she feels like her entire head is on fire."

The guy who is "the one" is going to be able to navigate important life changes with you, including menopause... and eventually old age, which is much more challenging. For an addict, the only "the one" in their lives is their drug of choice.

AnvilheadII

alcoholics cannot BE "normal" drinkers. they have a sick, twisted relationship with alcohol - it does things to them that it does not do to your average glass and a half of red with dinner drinker. he may be able to MIMIC controlled drinking, when he has to, or to try and prove something. but as he has not addressed the active addiction, his drinking will always be a problem.

five years is a long time to wait around seeing if a person is going to change in dramatic ways and become a full time present kind thoughtful partner. you made a huge step in having him move out. this gives you the necessary space you need. we don't always make a clean break all at once.

i would suggest that the next time you are on the phone and he starts in on his ranty rant that you end the call immediately. no good comes from engaging when someone is raging. you are not there to be his target, to take his crap.

as dandy suggested, we have a rich cohort of readings and articles that are worth a read.........or three!!! i'm glad you are here!

Cyranoak

This is your life. If you really want to change it you know what to do.

spiderqueen

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

I am sorry for what you've been through, notm. I've been there too. I also hoped to marry my ex alcoholic boyfriend (we were both in our mid 40s at the time). Instead I moved on, he sadly died of liver failure 5 years later, and I am now married - to a wonderful, caring, mentally healthy man who brings me joy every single day.

Sending you strength and courage!

SQ

Sasha1972

It doesn't sound like he can drink the way normal people do Saying it doesn't make it so.

And "mood swings" aren't the same as passing out, yelling on the phone, calling people a f-etc b-etc. Those are all behaviors, not moods. Equating his drinking with your perimenopause is a false equivalence.

I think many people on this board are familiar with the "poor me, I'm really the victim here" line.

It sounds like in a way you're in a strong position - you are not actually married to him, you don't have kids with him, he's already out of the house - so you can have as much contact with him as you wish to have. You do not have to be 100% committed to the relationship or 100% out of it right now - you can claim some freedom to experiment with degrees of independence and separation.

It sounds like there is grieving going on - if not for the end of the relationship, for the future that you hoped to have with him that you now realize you probably won't have, whether or not you remain in a relationship with him.

Eddiebuckle

"Not promising" in the sense that the Hindenburg was a less-than-great parking job.

You have made your mind up that his drinking is not something you want in your life, and he has made up his mind that he can drink just fine. If you want to roll the dice with the best years of your life in hopes that he sees the error of his ways that is certainly your prerogative. Or you can move on in search of someone who is truly available to be a partner in life.

It's your life... but be clear that making no decision is accepting what you have said is unacceptable.

PerSe

Hi notm,

Relationship decisions can be so difficult. I can relate to some of what you said, about the heavy alcohol use killing physical intimacy, and trying to convince yourself that his drinking doesn't matter. I am finding, the more I read here and with each Al-anon meeting, clarity comes to me in small glimpses. So I just wanted to share something really helpful that I found here under the sticky threads, under "How to". It's a really clearly written book about how to decide when to stay and when to go. It's called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay," by Mira Kirshenbaum. Here's the link to the thread, or you can read a sample on Amazon. I downloaded it to Kindle today and have practically devoured the book. I hope you might find it helpful too.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...read-book.html (Decision: do I leave or stay? READ THIS BOOK!!!)

PerSe

atalose

Does him drinking make that horrible treatment towards you a good enough excuse that it makes it OK?

Now let’s go with his side, he was not drinking so his horrible treatment towards you was just him being him, not drinking, is that OK with you?

I’m glad you posted and I am glad you are In therapy, you’ll figure it all out when you are ready.

thequest

Sounds like he's rebranding his drinking rationalization. Until actual significant change occurs of his own volition it's not going to amount to much.