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Old 01-08-2019, 07:56 AM   #21 (permalink)
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HH....I totally understand what you are saying and I wrestled with this as well. Reality is....had I known who I was truly marrying I would not have gotten married in the first place. I suspect you feel the same.

You do not have to be locked into a life of doom. You have a right to be happy as you do only have one chance at life.

Sending huge hugs.
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Old 01-10-2019, 02:27 PM   #22 (permalink)
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This week I made a T appointment for DD after hearing some news. I asked my boss for an increase again in my hours. She will get back to me next week. H still doesn't get that certain words are not ok. The words do not help they hurt.
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Old 02-09-2019, 01:51 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Hi hearthealth,

Checking in with you. How are you today? What self-care plans do you have this heart-filled week?
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Old 02-10-2019, 07:45 PM   #24 (permalink)
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What self-care plans do you have this heart-filled week?
Thank you for caring. This will be a busy and bad week. I had a flat today so any extra earnings now goes toward that expense. I can't stand my marriage but I think I will be sad divorced also. First I must get out of debt so off to work I go.
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Old 02-11-2019, 07:19 AM   #25 (permalink)
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hearthealth…...remember that feelings are not, necessarily, facts.
living. enmeshed, with a dysfunctional person is a recipe for unhappiness, for sure. You don't know what living outside of a dysfunctional relationship is like....
Ever since you started posting on this forum...your situation has reminded me of "thousandwords"......do you remember her? I followed her journey, closely.
She was, at one time, paralyzed by fear of the future and fear of even expressing herself to her husband.....
Since leaving that situation, her life has done an amazing transition.....her recent updates show that!
I suggest that you might go back and read all of her threads.....

Sure, you will grieve the loss of your dream for this marriage....if you have not, already, begun that process....but, look at it this way----I call it the short-term pain for the long-term gain. Living with a miserable person...whether alcoholic/recovering alcoholic/or otherwise dysfunctional person is a misery that goes on and on and on...only getting worse, over time....and, it NEVER ends.....
Wheras, leaving such a toxic situation can be scary, at first, but, that discomfort comes to an end, after a while.....
So, does one pick unhappiness for a lifetime or pick discomfort for a short time?

I have great empathy for you. as I have followed you for a long time...and, I want to see you living in happiness!
Please get the help you need to move forward to a happier part of your life......
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Old 02-11-2019, 10:36 AM   #26 (permalink)
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I can't stand my marriage but I think I will be sad divorced also.
Sometimes we have to make these decisions for the greater good, for everyone involved (although our focus should be ourselves because that is who we control).

If you are sitting in misery in a relationship - surely anything has to be better.

If you are miserable I bet he is too. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for him.

There is a big wide world out there hearthealth, full of richness and different people, some very kind people. Different cultures and experiences. Imagine coming home every day and just being content. What do you want for dinner? What will you watch on TV? Should you try a new recipe?

Craft sale this weekend you want to go to? Call a friend and go. Laugh, go out for lunch. Then go home to your retreat.

Nothing sad about that.
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Old 02-11-2019, 11:01 AM   #27 (permalink)
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HH, I went back to read a few of your threads to refamiliarise myself with your situation. Ours is a very similar situation, except it seems like there could have also been abuse? One I read was about a butter dish. Are you still walking on those eggshells? Just imagine as trail mix said above, you could come home and sit and watch tv - and even perhaps smear some butter on the dish and leave it there - force yourself to do it. It reminds me a bit of the movie Sleeping with the Enemy.

I domt know if there was abuse, so this might not be a wise or safe move on your part. My story like everyone else's is long. I will shorten it to say that we have been living like roommates for years. We lived apart for 9 months, and I decided to move here to another state to make sure I wasn't making a mistake and I wanted the kids to be near there dad. Shortly after I got here, I discovered what I had already really known - that I did not want to live the rest of my life with AH. It was really a miserable existence for a rather long time. Little by little I detached (sometimes too much really) and we were both miserable. I finally decided to have the "talk". I simply told him this isn't working for either of us and we should lovingly let each other go. We talked about how the kids are the priority and we would work on our financial situation. I also told him that o hope that we can still remain friends and help each other out for the kids. (Paraphrasing). He knows as I told him, I'm not trying to take him to the cleaners. I want is all yo have a good life.

Thia is released a lot of the pressure. It was sad and admitting that my dreams were crushed was hard. I know it was sad for him too, and I can still see the anger at times

we re still living together. I'm hopefull that we will soon be able to get our own places. It is not ideal. I don't even have a bedroom, and he is drinking more at times and has been nasty here and there.

Do do you think it would be safe for you to have that talk? If you do, it might be better for you to have a free consultation with your lawyer first so you know financially what you would be entitled to.

My AH is nitpicking too. I still get the urge to jump when he pulls into the driveway and rush around to make
sure the house is clean or the kids didn't leave dirty socks in the floor. He works a ton of hours. I also work 40 and take care of everything else (he will cook and clean the kitchen, but he likes that). I have to force myself at times to not jump. In fact I've made it a priority at times to say to myself (I don't feel like taking care of that now even if he would have liked it done yestrrday, and then I do it when I want to do it). Maybe some excerciaes like that would be helpful.

Trying to force him to be a person he is not isn't fair to him, and staying with someone with whom with never engage with you in happy times is not fair to you. During that conversation, I told my AH that he is an adult and should be able to drink if that's what he want but I hope he doesn't continue because I would feel horrible of something happened to him and that his
kids need him.

Im sorry for the long ramble. I could go on and on. I've had a lot of
growth this past 2 years. Have you considered getting a new, full time job? I think that might be a big boost for
you


edit to add: when we had that talk he admitted he was miserable living that way too
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Old 02-11-2019, 11:16 AM   #28 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
hearthealth…...remember that feelings are not, necessarily, facts.
living. enmeshed, with a dysfunctional person is a recipe for unhappiness, for sure. You don't know what living outside of a dysfunctional relationship is like....
Ever since you started posting on this forum...your situation has reminded me of "thousandwords"......do you remember her? I followed her journey, closely.
She was, at one time, paralyzed by fear of the future and fear of even expressing herself to her husband.....
Since leaving that situation, her life has done an amazing transition.....her recent updates show that!
I suggest that you might go back and read all of her threads.....

Sure, you will grieve the loss of your dream for this marriage....if you have not, already, begun that process....but, look at it this way----I call it the short-term pain for the long-term gain. Living with a miserable person...whether alcoholic/recovering alcoholic/or otherwise dysfunctional person is a misery that goes on and on and on...only getting worse, over time....and, it NEVER ends.....
Wheras, leaving such a toxic situation can be scary, at first, but, that discomfort comes to an end, after a while.....
So, does one pick unhappiness for a lifetime or pick discomfort for a short time?

I have great empathy for you. as I have followed you for a long time...and, I want to see you living in happiness!
Please get the help you need to move forward to a happier part of your life......

HH- There is no doubt that you are not happy in this marriage, I sense you may fear that nothing will change- with separation, and you will still be unhappy- yet now also struggling financially/changing life of others/going through legal process etc...You say you think you will be sad divorced also...I highly doubt it.

That thinking kept me stuck much longer than I should have.

YES- divorcing: you will go through terrible feelings and feel like you made things worse. You may have to let go of the idea of how you think things will turn out- let go of material things, even your home. That was a sticking point for me I wanted HIM to leave this time, much easier for the rest of us, etc. ...
You will mourn what your marriage could have/should have been. You will feel anger for things you put up with, for wasting time, and as you realize that things would never have changed or become what you are currently holding out hope for. IT WILL SUCK






as soon as the suck subsides, you will begin to feel and realize life is different on your own terms. Your mind chatter will go away and you will realize you aren't an unhappy person, it was the environment/situation. His thoughts and habits will go away, and you will notice that you don't either: rush home or avoid home after work. You can cook whatever for dinner, watch a stupid show not having to entertain exah. Go to bed when you want. The kids will play more. You might be able to read a book and comprehend the story, or take a class or grow a garden, so much time of ours is tied up walking around eggshells for a person who will never change. Take away drinking- doesn't matter.

So yeah, there will be bad times and you will be sad perhaps after divorce- but you will have the time and money to see a counselor for that kind of sadness, and actually do something about it instead of remaining in this cruddy situation, perpetuating the bad feelings you are having.

Now I will stop here and just post this. It may come across rambling, but I wanted to chime in, HH, you are one of the main reasons I still check in here.
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Old 02-11-2019, 07:07 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Thank you everyone for responding. I get daily reinforcement that we are not partners. I don't think he has it in him to be a partner. A spoiled teenager yes. He's not a full grown man. My focused is getting out of debt because I can't change him or control him. By June maybe July I will be out of debt.
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Old 02-11-2019, 07:14 PM   #30 (permalink)
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Thank you everyone for responding. I get daily reinforcement that we are not partners. I don't think he has it in him to be a partner. A spoiled teenager yes. He's not a full grown man. My focused is getting out of debt because I can't change him or control him. By June maybe July I will be out of debt.

that is a great goal. We have been doing the same because living apart (and him living a bachelor lifestyle while working out of
towm) paid a toll on our finances.

Do do me a favor. Have a plan B in place just in case. Seek out info what you are entitled to just in case. You won't feel so trapped. It can go from just surviving to feeling trapped very quickly. Having some knowledge under your belt helps
with those scary feelings.
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Old 02-12-2019, 01:31 AM   #31 (permalink)
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I don't know your story HH. What I do know is how much it drains the life and soul out of a person, staying in a miserable relationship. In terms of religion, I believe in a loving God, I am sure spending a lifetime in misery is not what He would want for you.

I read a phrase once, I can't remember where now but it's always stuck in my head. "Only marry a man if you would be happy for your son to grow up to be like". Unfortunately I came across that a bit late and am in the process of ending my second marriage.

Having been though a divorce once with our four children, I can tell you that no matter how difficult it was at the time, the joy that came into my life afterwards made it all so worth it. Without the bad atmosphere and my sadness weighing on me, I became a much better mother, one that laughed, sang and danced with the children. I also learned how strong a woman I really was. The children went from strength to strength, thriving once they no longer had to live with an addict parent and a depressed one. No matter how much you try to hide it from kids, they know, even if they don't really understand.

The loss of the life you thought you would have when you first married is painful and divorce for some I think is a period of grief. Grief for how things could have been, the hope that was once there. But letting go of someone that brings us pain, in whatever form, is never wrong.

I wish you the best x
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Old 02-15-2019, 07:54 PM   #32 (permalink)
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Big fight. I asked him to leave the house. His response"To where? What does that mean."
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Old 02-15-2019, 08:08 PM   #33 (permalink)
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One day at a time.

Breath in. Breath out. ((((hugs)))))

That sounds like baiting, ignoring his own agency and deflecting a very direct request.

I've been there with these things. There is magic in letting go. Letting go of the fight. Having peaceful space to simply live, breath and gain clarity. Often short changes can lead to bigger ways of seeing life. If he won't leave (it's not your job to solve the "where" for him), then the ball is back in your court to to take of your own needs the best you can. You get to decide what that looks like. A hot bath, time at the library or with friends, etc.
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Old 02-15-2019, 08:09 PM   #34 (permalink)
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Big fight. I asked him to leave the house. His response"To where? What does that mean."
HH now might be the time to have that serious talk. He asked you straight out. He must know it isn't working too and maybe even he wants to move on.
I'm not clear whether you're afraid to be clear with him because it might provoke an abusive or dangerous response. You yourself seems to have overcome your resistance to separation or divorce.
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Old 02-15-2019, 08:21 PM   #35 (permalink)
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Big fight. I asked him to leave the house. His response"To where? What does that mean."
I'm sorry you are having a really horrible night there hearthealth.
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Old 02-15-2019, 08:23 PM   #36 (permalink)
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hearthealth…..I think that FeelingGreat makes a good observation...and asks the same questions that I was wondering about....
How did you answer his question....? Perhaps it IS time to spell out, to him, exactly what you do mean......
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Old 02-16-2019, 08:12 PM   #37 (permalink)
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Busy weekend this weekend. I work long hours. It's not the time to argue about the future. How did I respond to his question? I didn't say a word. I thought it was pretty clear. I don't talk to him because I know he just won't go and if I say or do the wrong (not his way) I get more of last night. This morning he was all cuddly nothing happened. Told him I had to go to work. He hasn't been that cuddly for nine months maybe. It reminds me of when he was trying to get me to cancel the divorce.
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Old 02-16-2019, 08:22 PM   #38 (permalink)
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Hearthealth...I hear you. I think you are right....he knows what you are talking about.....and, is pulling out the "stops" (again)….to get you to return to the old status quo....
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Old 02-17-2019, 08:19 AM   #39 (permalink)
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when you have time, if you dont already know, check to see if you are on the title ("deed") to the house. This will be on the county website. Also check to see if you are on the mortgage. This will he good information to have. (If you live on the east coast the wording may be different. or for example in Louisana it's not a county. but Google your county and with the words "property search". there are other ways if you aren't able to find this this way let me know). hope this helps. hang in there!
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