Sister Love/Hate I want out

Old 12-16-2018, 03:57 PM
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Sister Love/Hate I want out

So in other news, I've been coordinating my addict/alcoholic/mentally ill sister being transported to a place called sober living america. She is currently involuntarily committed at the psychiatric hospital. She is discharged in A.M. I've worked with her social worker and this sober place and she hops a Greyhound Bus in the morning to head to Jacksonville, FL. I've done this repeatedly since she got out of prison in March. However, never out of state. Let's see what happens. I go over her funeral in my mind all the time. It's really traumatic and I hope I can let this go after she gets on the bus tomorrow. She ended up at the hospital with bedroom slippers and no coat last week in our big snow storm on a crack binge. So... I don't know the reliability of the place she is going. 7 people to a 2 bedroom apt all addicts. She will have the couch till a bed becomes available. They also provide them jobs, a ride and 12-step program. The time and money involved in these restarts is unbearable on me. All this during my own recovery. My mom calls tonight to whine about her part in helping which is minimal and she was so drunk herself. I want to get away from this bloodline. I only have myself to rely on and of course SR. I just wish I had a strong role model to lean on at times. It gets exhausting and then I have resentments. I want her to never contact me again, and then I'm terrified if I don't hear from her it means she is dead. What ever and how to do this?
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Old 12-16-2018, 04:47 PM
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how to do this?

Al-anon and Nar-anon are really good places to start. (((hugs)))

http://www.al-anon.org/

https://www.nar-anon.org/

The Nar-Anon Family Groups is primarily for those who know or have known a feeling of desperation concerning the addiction problem of someone very near to you. We have traveled that unhappy road too, and found the answer with serenity and peace of mind.
Higher Power hears our prayers. The strong role models you're seeking will show up.

Prayer: God/Great Spirit, please give me eyes to see, ears to hear and strength to embrace the illogical.

Thank you, God, for this day.
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Old 12-16-2018, 05:27 PM
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Originally Posted by Mango212 View Post
how to do this?

Al-anon and Nar-anon are really good places to start. (((hugs)))

http://www.al-anon.org/

https://www.nar-anon.org/



Higher Power hears our prayers. The strong role models you're seeking will show up.

Prayer: God/Great Spirit, please give me eyes to see, ears to hear and strength to embrace the illogical.

Thank you, God, for this day.
i've been in and out of alanon my whole life. just venting maybe seeking some quick coping tips. also have melody beaties co-dependent no-more.
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Old 12-17-2018, 03:42 AM
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Hi joy, well if you have read Melody's book and you have been to Al-Anon then you know you need to detach.

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure is. This you know, so why are you holding on, why are you trying to control it?

There is no reason for you to be so involved. The social workers etc are capable of coordinating your Sister's care.

You need boundaries here, that's what's going to make all the difference. As an example, one boundary might be that you don't speak to your Mom on the phone when she has been drinking. Perhaps if she has some useful information that's fine, but no rambling conversations like the one you probably just had. It serves zero purpose true? All it does is cause you worry and stress you out.

So that is the number one coping tool here, boundaries!

Respect for your Sister's decisions. She is a grown person, no she may not be thinking clearly but that is not up to you (again, you can't control this). Of course you don't want her wandering the streets but she has a right to choose that if she wants to. Sounds like there has been no lack of people attempting to get her help, that's not working (hopefully this latest attempt at sobriety will). As you know she needs to choose help, you can't do that for her.

Maybe try this out. When she arrives in Florida perhaps they contact you? Perhaps you would normally call the facility to see that everything is in order? Try not doing that. It might not be easy, but I hope you give it a try. As long as you keep throwing yourself in to the organizer role in all of this, nothing will change.

It's not up to you, it's not your responsibility. Focus back on yourself. You mention you are also in recovery, so that should be your number one focus right now?

You might find some of these stickies helpful:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...oundaries.html (So what ARE Boundaries?)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-recovery.html (Letting go of those not in recovery)
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Old 12-17-2018, 04:48 AM
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I agree. I know you've recently struggled to hold on to your sobriety and this kind of stress is messing with your serenity.

Serenity/Sobriety are Job #1 for you. Until that is sorted all the family is going to have to be big girls and boys and take care of their own problems - as it should be.
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Old 12-17-2018, 06:04 AM
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It's absolutely OK to love someone from a distance. Sometimes the relationship is so toxic to yourself that you have to let go or be dragged. It does not mean you love her any less, just that you cannot have a relationship with her.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Sending you huge hugs!
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Old 12-17-2018, 06:30 AM
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I love you guys!
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Old 12-17-2018, 06:42 AM
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Originally Posted by joy57 View Post
All this during my own recovery. ]\
my favorite reading from the 24 hours a day book:
AA Thought For The Day
Keeping sober is the most important thing in my life. The most important decision I ever made was my decision to give up drinking. I am convinced that my whole life depends on not taking that first drink. Nothing in the world is as important to me as my own sobriety. Everything I have, my whole life depends on that one thing. Can I afford ever to forget this, even for one minute?

Meditation For The Day

I will discipline myself. I will do this disciplining now. I will turn out all useless thoughts. I know that the goodness of my life is a necessary foundation for its usefulness. I will welcome this training, for without it God cannot give me his power. I believe that this power is a mighty power when used in the right way.

Prayer For The Day

I pray that I may face and accept whatever discipline is necessary. I pray that I may be fit to receive God’s power in my life.


i think this goes good with what traimix mentioned about boundaries- discipline to set boundaries and stick to them.

God
grant me the serenity
to accept the people i cant change
courage to change the one i can
and wisdom to know thats me.
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Old 12-17-2018, 06:47 AM
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And this right here...is what it's all about! We love you right back. We are here to support you! I know this is not an easy walk, but there is comfort in all situations to know you are not alone!

Originally Posted by joy57 View Post
I love you guys!
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Old 12-17-2018, 07:32 AM
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Something I heard a long time ago………………..

“Family” is not a license for abuse. Just because they are “family” doesn’t give anyone the right to abuse verbally, physically, emotionally or financially other members of the family.

Detachment with love works but usually first we have to make our way through the FOG

F…….fear

O….obligation

G….guilt

We fear for them, we feel obligated because they are “family” and when we take healthy actions for ourselves we feel guilty.

Blanket yourself in healthy support – AA – Al-anon, SR, therapy whatever feels safest and is readily available to you and keep all the non-healthy people as far away as possible, you have that right to do so!!
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Old 12-17-2018, 10:18 AM
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Thanks to all of you. I really needed this insight from you all. She is off on the Greyhound Bus, my mother and I saw her off. I'll check in with the officials to make sure she arrived, otherwise in my heart I'm done with the doing. The castle doors are closed. Now to focus on getting mom off my payroll. That one is a bit trickier. My goal is by June to get her to be self sufficient. Long Story but she is overpaid and underqualified for the unnecessary job we have given her with our business. My son will be going off to college by August and I need to rid all these hangers on... Thanks again and I don't know how I've managed sanity. My recovery is #1!!! and that will not be taken away from me by this self created codependent situation I have allowed.
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Old 12-17-2018, 10:48 AM
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tomsteve Thank you for this:
Prayer For The Day

I pray that I may face and accept whatever discipline is necessary.


I just read a saying the other day that I am hanging on to:
"Discipline is remembering what you want."

When I apply the idea of discipline as "remembering what I want" it helps make my choices clear. Not easy, but clear. Detaching or even going NC with the toxic family members is my choice if what I want is peace of mind and relief from anxiety and controlling behavior run amok on my part! Sometimes I find this very hard to do, because I don't like it, because it feels unfamiliar, because I feel guilty. But being conscious of my choices, and not in denial of reality, seem to be what most propel me towards health....

joy57 I'm glad you got sis on the bus and have some breathing room. Baby steps will still get you where you're going!
Peace,
B.
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Old 12-17-2018, 02:19 PM
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I am in the same boat you are. After a while, well actually the first time, helping them with their problem gets old. More so when they won't take responsibility and volunteer themselves to be the victim. I have no sage advice or words of wisdom, I just wanted you to know you're not alone.
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Old 12-17-2018, 05:36 PM
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My sister has arrived safely in Florida and enroute to the new sober living apartment community. I'm so relieved. Now to really practice detachment. I'm proud of her for going. This place is nothing glamorous so we shall see.
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Old 12-19-2018, 09:59 AM
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It get's soooo old, I know. You can love from afar, just don't let it effect your directly. It was effecting me, so I am starting therapy, We can't change people.
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