JessicaNAJ

Last night I had a work dinner to go to. (That is the last thing I want to do on a Monday night BTW). I picked the kids up around 9:00 and headed home. On the way to pick up the kids, I called my AH and told him that I needed him to give me at least $60 a week because I’m struggling and I am not able to get what I need for the kids. It was hard for me to ask him this because I hear him in my head saying “You’re always taking all my money.” He hesitated to answer and then said to me, “you mean on top of what I owe the sitter.” Well, yeah! I started feeling my anxiety kick in and told him I had to go. I was trying to stay calm and not “flip” out, which is what happens once my anxiety kicks in. Why couldn’t he just say “OK”?

Anyway, on the way home (after I got the kids) I called him again – why, I don’t know. I was talking to him and the oil light came on in my car. These thoughts ran through my head – all at one time - I don’t even have two dollars to buy a quart of oil. Meanwhile, he’s able to buy anything he wants. He spends $20 taking the kids to the movie, $20 on movie rentals, buys fast food all the time. I need cat food, diapers, hair gel, Mt. Dew (my luxury), dishwasher detergent, oil, and oil change… I don’t have money to buy anything, I can use my credit card but then I won’t have money to buy gas. I told him I had to go, I was boiling – I just heightened my anxiety with all these thoughts in my head.

I get home, still frustrated – a little calmer, but still frustrated, he calls me. “What kind of hair gel do you use?” “Why?” “Because I’m at Walmart and I don’t know what kind you use.” Any normal person would be totally grateful, but what do I do, I explode. I was at the point of no return - yelling at him, not making any sense (the endless circle)…. He tells me he gives me money all the time. “When? If you do, then please point it out to me so I’m not overlooking it.” He thinks the money he pays for the sitter is giving me money!!

Why did I explode when he called from Walmart? Why does it bother me so much that I have to ask him to get things for me? He seems to have no trouble stopping and getting things for me so why is such a bother for him to give me money instead?? Do I feel like him not giving me money is a form on his trying to control me? Did I get mad because of my pride? Is it just because I’m not use to him being nice?

I feel bad for attacking him. He was trying to do me a favor and I blew up on him. I don’t know what to do next. He did end up getting the things I needed and I thanked him a few times. I’m not a malicious person, I don’t want to attack him. I know how my anxiety gets if I don’t get out of the situation that is causing it. I finally had to take something to calm me down. I’m not crazy. I really hate this s#!t.

Sorry this is long. I needed to vent.

rivercitybelle

In a way, yes you do feel like him not giving you money is a control issue and you are not wrong. You might want a different brand of gel if it's cheaper or you may have a coupon... you are entitled to shop for yourself & your kids. Yes, it was nice of him to pick up those things, but it doesn't solve your overall issue.
If you are separated, you might consider working on a separated maintenance agreement so the kids needs are being met... food, clothing, shelter, school stuff, babysitter, etc. This is a Legal thing. You can find some budget forms and agreements on the net too. You can look for legal aide in your city to help you or some women's groups can also refer you to low cost places. If you do divorce, you would get child support... DHHS can help with that.
You have the responsibility for those precious lives you nurtured into this world, they must come first.

cwohio

jessica - it does sound a bit like a control issue. like river said, you should have the option of shopping for the things you need and deciding what to purchase. if it was a once in a while thing he was doing it would be different but it sounds like it happens regularly.

hang in there sister!

JessicaNAJ

I think what might have trigger my anger is that I asked him for money and he thinks he can "help" by going to the store for me.... That's not what I asked for and he didn't ask if that was what I wanted him to do. You know what I mean? He could have said, Do you want me to go to the store for you? But he didn't. I guess in a sense he was thinking of me, but I feel like he was just trying to score points.

cwohio

and that is where the control comes in - you asked for money and he chose to take control and buy you what he "thought" you needed making him look like the good guy and making you feel like a heel which is how is all works.

funny how we get twisted in this terrible "dance" - change the music and start dancing a different step. i know, easier said than done!

JessicaNAJ

That's IT!!! Making me feel like a heel..... Thank you.

Any suggestions on how to get past this next time?? Constructively?