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Old 12-15-2018, 10:58 AM
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Just An Update

AH wants to detox at home. Due to the past seizure, I am scared (as is he) to let him do this. Our PCP would rather his outpatient treatment program prescribe whatever medicine they would deem appropriate. (They won't because he quit shy of completing the program) So, go figure....the big a$$ vodka bottles just keep coming into the home so he can "taper".

With our court thing, DD will have to resume visitation with her bio dad. I give my lawyer all the props for doing what he's done. Bio dad (narcissist, even confirmed by psychologist doing their joint therapy sessions) will not apologize for calling me a *****, ****, and describing nonexistent sex acts that he claims I've done all over town. He also offered to help my daughter kill me. Because MY husband is an alcoholic, though, I am at a disadvantage. What my legal experience came out to was that it gave DD about a 6 mo. break from Ex's berating comments about how "she's going to turn out like a ***** just like me" or about "what a ****** my husband is"....if ya'll were to see the list of nasty things he said to her starting at age 7, you'd be appalled. It includes him accusing me of sodomizing my husband because he's such a ***** and it makes fun of our infertility issues.

The end result was me paying the remaining balance of the guardian ad litem bill.....to the tune of about $10,000. That, with my attorney fees of $30K+. Was it worth it? Yes. She was going to kill herself under his crap.

Life lesson????? Narcissists are toxic to the Nth degree. Alcoholics do damage, too. I need to understand why I sought out both. I suspect being an adult child of an alcoholic and then just being married to the NPD. At the end of that relationship, I had to change my radio station to what he liked when I turned off my car so I wouldn't get verbally abused when/if he drove us somewhere after I'd driven alone. At the end, he had me convinced he was going to kill me and bury me somewhere on our country (isolated) home or in the national forest nearby.

I have been having anxiety attacks lately...usually at about 3:30-4 am. Please, supportive comments. I know my options. I am not ready to divorce at this point.

Last edited by Seren; 12-15-2018 at 04:39 PM. Reason: Rule 9: Work safe/family friendly rule
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Old 12-15-2018, 11:52 AM
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LPS, terrible situation all around.

I'm not sure there is any advice I can give. This is the situation you are in and you don't want to change so, you are stuck there, by your own choice and I respect that choice.

That doesn't mean there are no repercussions for that choice, like incredible stress and anxiety/panic attacks. Probably middle of the night because that is when you are not "awake" enough to stuff all those feelings and anxieties down?

There are drugs, therapy, boundaries, it will be a lot of work, you can overcome it, but it is a lot of work to stay in such a stressful situation and keep yourself on an even keel. Since you have chosen this, it's all you can do.

As for your child, she didn't choose this, I hope she is in therapy though?

You mention fertility issues, are you planning on having more children with your AH?
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Old 12-15-2018, 12:24 PM
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With regards to having more children with my AH - That would be a miracle. His issue is one that yields low results even with the most sophisticated scientific approach. And at my age, and at the helter-skelter way our life is at...no, God is not telling me to try and have another child. Let's take care of this sweet soul that we have now. (DD)

DD *is* in therapy with a person that I respect very much. Through that therapy, she has actually developed a voice that allows her to speak up rather than be compliant just because that is what she thinks makes her dad (or me) happy. For this blessing, I am beyond thankful.

My panic attacks are increasing I believe, b/c contact with bio dad is about to resume. It was panic attack-worthy before, but now that I have "crossed him", I feel a more infinite danger on me. He is ex military, carries a gun, and brags about physical altercations with others. When I was married to him he talked about killing his ex wife.

It's just a difficult time right now.
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Old 12-15-2018, 02:10 PM
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LovePeaceSushi…...when a person is under stress, the cortisol levels are higher than ususal. Normally,. cortisol levels are highest, in the very early morning hours.....
So it might make sense, under the current circumstances, that the panic attacks are occurring in the early morning hours.....
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Old 12-15-2018, 04:33 PM
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No ideas to help but I will say that my ExAH used to talk about how his life would be better if his FOO were all dead... or if a fire mysteriously broke out in their house while they were asleep inside... or if... etc... etc. Initially, I thought he was "just saying things", now I know he is bat-**** and also dangerous. So I sympathize. I am no contact with ExAH (no children, thankfully), but he still finds ways to harass me from time to time. I try to ignore it (doesn't mean it doesn't upset me).

I wonder if there is more your lawyer can't do or if there are more ways to protect yourself from the narcissist. I feel that this is a more pressing concern than AH? I am concerned that exposure to the narcissist is not good for your DD -- isn't he supposed to refrain from saying mean things about you to her? What can the court do if he does? Also, I don't know if this will help you, but a cup of green tea in the morning or St John's Wort might help. When you are under a lot of stress, it is important to have a good diet, get enough sleep, and exercise. If you are doing all those things and you are still struggling, you might want to see your doctor.

I am not sure how old you are, but when a person enters menopause or early menopause (this can happen at any time and it happens to some women in their 30s), the hormonal changes can cause depression, irritability, insomnia, etc... etc. Not everyone gets hot flashes (although those suck). Any existing health difficulties plus what you are going through right now with your Ex and your AH are going to make life so difficult.

Please make you and DD number 1. I don't know about your AH detoxing at home... that might... work... or not... . I hope you are getting support from Alanon or Alateen (if appropriate).
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Old 12-15-2018, 05:53 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
LovePeaceSushi…...when a person is under stress, the cortisol levels are higher than ususal. Normally,. cortisol levels are highest, in the very early morning hours.....
So it might make sense, under the current circumstances, that the panic attacks are occurring in the early morning hours.....
Dandylion, you're pretty smart. (Not trying to blow your skirt up here) I try to pray myself back to sleep when that happens. Without paid therapy, do you think I can get over my NPD Ex Husband with no further therapy? Lord knows I've paid enough.
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Old 12-15-2018, 08:17 PM
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LovePeaceSushi…...just off the top of my head....and considering that he sounds like a nightmare, for anyone to deal with....I think you best bet is to have gobs of support...emotional support....and as much professional guidance (lawyers, child psychologist, friends, social groups, support groups, etc.)as you need…..because, people like this will send you spinning...…
They (NPD) will drain you, and keep you off balance, if you don't have brick wall boundaries.
I would say this to anyone who is dealing with a true narcissist. Even the most healthy, stable person.
My first husband...the father of my 3 children, had what I consider, narcissistic tendencies....so, I am somewhat familiar with what they can be like.
Keeping in mind...and,what you probably, already know....A true personality disorder (of the NPD type) is an extreme condition...so extreme that it disrupts normal functioning, in life. Many people can have narcissistic tendencies...and it is considered "normal" for certain stages of development, etc. And, alcoholics and addicts usually are very narcissistic, when in their disease....
My first husband was...and, still has lots of narcissistic features...and, he is sober. I haven't spoken to him, in decades...but, I hear things through the grapevine and through my adult children. LOl...he remarried years before I did...and he is still with that wife! (Good for them). Apparently, she is willing to live with stuff that would make me Krazy. She sounds like she might be on the co-dependent side, to me....
But, I digress.....

One big lesson that I have learned about Narcissists, is this....Never let them see you sweat. They groove on getting a reaction out of people. They lack the necessary empathy for healthy relationships and see everyone as a tool for them to use...and, have zero guilt for doing so. Your tears will have no effect on them....ever....
If you offer them your hand...they will take your arm.
Never try to be the "good guy" with a Narcissist. It will not get you any points in heaven. They will take advantage of the good guy, every time.
don't engage in combat with them....thinking that will "put them in their place"...It will only make them worse!
Best to be fair...but very firm...at all times. And have the very strong boundaries, for yourself.

As for therapy, LPS....I don't really know you well enough to make a comment...I can only say, that if you have baggage or issues of your own...then, therapy is always a good idea...
Keep in m ind, that a person doesn't "get over" a NPD...because the pathology resides in them...what one does, is become good at dealing with them...managing your reaction to their crazy, mean behaviors. Like I said...strong boundaries, and don't let them see you rattled or sweating....

As for the panic attacks....I suggest that you m ight talk to your doctor.

for what it is worth...one of the boundaries that helped me with my first husband...after I divorced him...was to avoid taking any of the hooks, when he baited me. I stayed as NC as possible...considering that we had children.
Your ex sounds worst than him...I must say......

Last edited by Seren; 12-17-2018 at 03:34 AM. Reason: Medical advice rule
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Old 12-15-2018, 08:39 PM
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Ophelia.....lol...I forgot about menopause.....yes, it sure can contribute to insomnia....I can remember sleeping with one leg outside the blankets and one inside the blankets....
I went on some replacement hormones...and it but the nix on that.....!
Did you ever see the episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond"....about menopause.....I nearly laughed my ring off!
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Old 12-15-2018, 09:51 PM
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Lord....I'm 38 and I get hot so easily...I have a favorite blanket that is my (what my deceased mother would call) a "better than a man blanket". But I've always had to sleep with my feet out.
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Old 12-16-2018, 12:11 AM
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You're 'actively' trying to get pregnant with the same guy that's using "big a$$ vodka bottles" to detox at home? really?..That's insane to me.

I'd leave my 'alcoholic/cheating husband' and focus on getting myself and my daughter's life in order.
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Old 12-16-2018, 02:07 AM
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LPS, as you said, you know your options. ExH sounds like a psycho, so it makes sense to concentrate on that first.
I'm appalled your AH wants to detox at home when you have this on your plate. Are you really up to monitoring him and coping with a seizure which could happen any time over several days? From your current situation, I would say not in a million....
You don't want to be told your options re getting yourself out of this, but there will only be limited ways to reduce stress while the situation remains. I myself had to make some hard choices to remove myself and even then it took years to heal.
You've done what you can re ex for now. You really don't need your living situation getting worse by have an A detox in your home and you caring for him.
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Old 12-16-2018, 06:52 AM
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Originally Posted by LovePeaceSushi View Post
Without paid therapy, do you think I can get over my NPD Ex Husband with no further therapy?
Are you involved in the AlAnon program? I don't mean just attending meetings now and then, I mean embracing the program. Just from reading this thread, I am struck that you need regular meeting fellowship, a sponsor, working the steps, daily readings and service. Alcoholics differ from us in just one way: they drink. Otherwise, we are very much the same as alcoholics in that we have an astounding ability to tolerate and continue a crappy life experience. To change a life that has gone in such an extremely unhappy direction, a full program is necessary and AlAnon is a wonderful, positive answer to that - at the cost of $1 per meeting or whatever you feel inspired to give or not give. AlAnon is not the only way to change course, but a full community approach is. Whichever community speaks to you will fill the bill, but AlAnon is everywhere and every day, like birds.

I say to you what we always say to alcoholics: You do not have to go it alone and indeed, you cannot go it alone. Insisting that we need to go it alone is what got us here and only opening ourselves up to community will get us out.
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Old 12-16-2018, 11:27 AM
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Originally Posted by DontRemember View Post
You're 'actively' trying to get pregnant with the same guy that's using "big a$$ vodka bottles" to detox at home? really?..That's insane to me.

I'd leave my 'alcoholic/cheating husband' and focus on getting myself and my daughter's life in order.
Don't Remember, thank you for your input. I am not trying to actively get pregnant because getting pregnant is and has been impossible for us for the 12 years we've been together. Have you ever dealt with infertility? It's a pretty sensitive subject. And if my husband chooses not to detox in a medical facility, is that really up to me to MAKE him? At least in my state, I can't hogtie him and involuntarily put him in a behavioral clinic. Pardon me for expressing my opinion here, but you are quite harsh in a lot of your posts to other people. I come here for SUPPORT. I do not need your crap.

As far as my sweet daughter goes, let me assure you (not that I need to prove myself to you) that she is getting the best therapy from the best doctor we have in our town. On a separate note, I'm glad my "handle" isn't "Dontremember" because that would mean I was checked out for most of my life. I'm glad you seem to have gotten your stuff back together. You can take your judgmental attitude and check it at the door with me, thankyouverymuch. Love, Peace, and SUSHI to you.
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Old 12-16-2018, 03:00 PM
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LPS,

Have you asked the judge to order all contact to be through our family wizard? It does not help your DD during visits but all communication through the app is admissible in court.

What kind of visits is your ex getting? are they supervised? Does she want to see him? I don't know how old she is but the judge may allow her to choose when she wants to see him.
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Old 12-16-2018, 03:56 PM
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Originally Posted by alwayscovering View Post
LPS,

Have you asked the judge to order all contact to be through our family wizard? It does not help your DD during visits but all communication through the app is admissible in court.

What kind of visits is your ex getting? are they supervised? Does she want to see him? I don't know how old she is but the judge may allow her to choose when she wants to see him.
Guys....I have a top attorney with so many accolades. Not bragging, even though it may sound like it. I do like the idea of the "Family Wizard" website. DD does NOT want to go to bio dad's house. It's part of the consent order, though. Perhaps MCESaint can provide some insight that makes more sense than what I'm saying.
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Old 12-16-2018, 04:46 PM
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Originally Posted by LovePeaceSushi View Post
Guys....I have a top attorney with so many accolades. Not bragging, even though it may sound like it. I do like the idea of the "Family Wizard" website. DD does NOT want to go to bio dad's house. It's part of the consent order, though. Perhaps MCESaint can provide some insight that makes more sense than what I'm saying.
Oh I have no doubt you have a top notch attorney. I have been through multiple custody battles with high conflict people. (I helped my brother and my AH)

Our Family Wizard is awesome. You do have to pay for it but, it's awesome. A lot of people have it put into the order that the only way the parents can communicate is through the site. You can even upload receipts there is a calendar and email system. All of it is admissible in court. So if he sends inappropriate stuff through the site, he can't erase it or say he didn't do it.

Considering what you have said about your ex. I'm surprise the judge is allowing him to resume visits unsupervised....our judge was super ticked that SS's mom was always doing stupid stuff like removing AH from the school paperwork, trying to force SS to call her new husband dad, etc.

You can always PM me if you want.
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Old 12-17-2018, 07:15 AM
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I encourage you to contact your local domestic help. I did counseling through ours for no cost to me at all. I did not have to do anything else, it was just free counseling. Available to anyone emotionally or physically abused.

So I am trying to understand. Your GAL recommended continued visitation with someone who has offered to your child to help kill you?? That is scary on so many levels.

I am sending you huge hugs and prayers friend. Seek out that counseling, it will help, and it will be free.


Originally Posted by LovePeaceSushi View Post
Dandylion, you're pretty smart. (Not trying to blow your skirt up here) I try to pray myself back to sleep when that happens. Without paid therapy, do you think I can get over my NPD Ex Husband with no further therapy? Lord knows I've paid enough.
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Old 01-06-2019, 10:10 AM
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