thequest

The enabler. The direct enabler who fetches alcoholic drinks or drugs for their partner, friend, spouse etc. Do they seek validation or reward the only their addict or alcoholic will give? What drives direct regular enablers? Decades old alcoholic/addict has been with the same enabler for 2 decades going back to them even after break ups and fights.

Any way or tricks to get an enabler to go away? The enabler here fuels the alcoholic/addict for somekind of validation or reward. They all but stalked the alcoholic to be with them.

DontRemember

I have to ask; Why do you care what they do?

Seren

The sad truth is no.

I've learned that I can no more control the normie, the codie, the ACoA, any more than I can the active alcoholic or addict. Certainly, you could try to talk to the person who is buying alcohol for the alcoholic you know, but I think the probability is high for disappointment if you have an expectation of a change in that person's behavior .

I am sorry, and I do know how frustrating and disheartening it can be.

FallenAngelina

Echoing this question. Worrying about an alcoholic and about the people we perceive to be unhelpful can be just as crippling as alcoholism. Your question seems to contain more than mere curiosity about what makes enablers tick. Or?

thequest

The alcoholic has created havoc in the family with their years of drinking/drugging and lies. Not only did it cause problems with parents & siblings it spread to uncles, aunts, cousins etc causing strife and divisions their with differing opinions. The older they get it becomes more obvious that the current and long time enabler is a big driver of their drinking, partying etc. They facilitate and validate their behavior and actions. They are now going to various family unsolicited for various issues. They are basically spying, spreading lies and worried about 'covering' their butt as well. No one has the guts to tell them leave them alone or just leave. The facilitation/enabling continue unabated.

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FallenAngelina

Do you know what is meant by "Alcoholism is a family disease?"

Alcoholism is never just about the alcoholic - or even the alcoholic and just one enabler. Alcoholism is one symptom in a family that has a much larger web of challenges. The alcoholic is the one with the most obvious issues, but everyone in the family participates in the strife. Are you familiar with this school of thought?

thequest

I think one of the big issues is that elders don't want to admit he's alcoholic and/or addict even out of theirs and others presence. They admit there are issues there but they refuse to say or act like they're an alcoholic. But that leads to enabling behavior including serving or keeping plenty of alcohol around. These differing opinions starting to cause political issues with in the family although it's been a slow cook for years now.

One parent is on the verge of losing their home because of the associated financial issues associated with abuse because they had to remortgage the home to pay for things like bankruptcies, cars, unpaid loans etc. That parent was viewed as financially inept just until recently when the extent of the financial issues are coming to light.

Back to the enabler. She's seems to be going out her way to ingratiate herself with the family more than ever including unsolicited visits and making blatant & sadly pathetic attempts at butt kissing. And she continuously validates anything the alcoholic says or does, even he gets tired of her presence and faux enthusiasm at times.

Wamama48

I can sense your anger and frustration. Amazing what ONE alcoholic, and enablers, can do to a family. That's why it's called a "family disease". It touches everyone. The thing is, no matter how hard you try, no matter how ridiculous the other person(s) behavior is, you can't change it. No one has that kind of power.

We can try to reason with the alcoholic and the enabler until we're blue in the face and steam is coming from our ears. It changes nothing, as you see in your situation. We have NO control over anyone's behavior but our own.

Obviously you care about how this family is being destroyed. Not just by the alcoholic, but the enablers too. Since you are wasting your energy on trying to reason with the unreasonable, maybe you should turn you energy towards yourself. Get out of that messy family situation, you don't have the power to fix it. Save yourself. 💕

OpheliaKatz

Echoing what the others said: it's a family disease. Also, your question (how to stop an enabler) is a legitimate concern. Sadly there is no answer. You must find it painful to watch this business unfold. I feel terrible when I hear that there are elderly people caught in the situation. No one should have to spend the last years of their lives draining their financial and emotional bank.

It is possible that the addict's enablers believe that the addict is "sick" and needs "help". Any decent person would help someone if they were suffering from an illness that was debilitating -- any decent person SHOULD help. But I don't believe that addiction is really a "sickness". The reason is because I think it's a compulsion... and it is not like other "sicknesses".

Imagine the brain as a muscle. It's going to remember the things you do repeatedly and the repeated action becomes the path of least resistance eventually. This is why pianists have to practice playing. If they play enough, soon they can play Beethoven's "moonlight sonata" blindfolded. If a person drinks excessively and compulsively, it becomes the path of least resistance. Likewise, if an enabler keeps enabling... it also becomes something that is automatic unless they get help.

When we are dealing with addiction, the best way to care about anything is to remove yourself from the situation so that you don't increase the number of people living in delusion and doing a delusional dance around a self-destructive individual. You can be there when these people get tired of dancing -- when and if they ask for help to stop dancing, that is when you can be there. Trying to "stop" the structures that enable addiction to perpetuate is about as easy as trying to stop a mass hysteria.

If they do ask you for help... you can gently recommend Alanon or Naranon. You might say something like, "I can't do anything about that, but you might find some answers at Alanon... and you don't have to "abandon" the addict to get advice from Alanon. Alanon is made of groups of people who are in your situation... so they may have advice."

The people enabling their addicts could be doing so for so many reasons: fear, obligation, guilt, ignorance of the effect of their "help"... and maybe they were brainwashed into enabling the addict (a huge component of abusive relationships is the victim being brainwashed... and then isolated from family and friends via brainwashing -- this can happen if the perpetrator and victim "team up" against everyone else, and the victim won't know that they are doing this to their peril until it's too late and they want to get out of the situation but discover that they no longer can ask for help from anyone.) Or the enabler could have a strong need to control their environment, having been raised in an uncontrollable, chaotic environment where they were always expected to clean up after or make excuses for an addict caretaker... maybe they are an ACOA.

In any case, unless you are the enabler's psychologist, and you are tasked with helping the person who is try to help someone who doesn't want help... you can't unravel this ball of yarn for them.

thequest

Beating up on this issue again-another vent.

The enabler found out the alcoholic will be getting about 20k in inheritance from a relative in a different state. So they almost leaped from not speaking to the alcoholic after a fight to literally serving them like a servant. I mean they are literally running and rushing to serve them and/or validating every word that comes out of their mouth and/or trying to anticipate what they want to hear. They've have to retract or change so many statements it's awkward to watch. They are literally out of breath trying to keep up with the alcoholic trying to please them I kid you not. Her behavior went far beyond normal holiday courtesies. And she wants to quit her job which even has left the alcoholic less than pleased. Both are adults with gray hair with bills to pay.

In the meantime the alcoholic gets a differently personality around her and that includes them to going into a state of anger or agitation much easier.

Also family has been reflecting and now think this girlfriend is the one where they alcoholic when from big time binge drinker to regular daily alcoholic. One reason maybe is the constant validation of the alcoholics thoughts and behavior.

Not shifting blame from the alcoholic/addict but enablers do exactly that-enable To what extent I guess varies case by case. Can't control much but I guess at least try to be aware of the variables including the people that help fuel this crap.

Eddiebuckle

My guess would be: The enabler seems to be getting something out of this, be it financial, emotional, or a roof over her head. Eventually the alcoholic will no longer be able to provide the benefit, at which time the enabler will seek a new benefactor. Until such time, nothing anyone else says or does will likely change the dynamic.