So what happens to an active alcoholic who doesn't want to stop drinking?
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
What tomsteve said: either locked up (in jail), covered up (dead and buried) or sobered up. For an addict, there is no such thing as "doing fine drinking/drugging", there is only eventual incarceration, death, or... sobriety.
Live and let live means you let them drink or drug because they have a right to live or die the way they want to... although I do hope that if you see someone unconscious and near death's door, you roll them on their side and call an ambulance. BUT that does not mean that you allow them to live in your house.
Do you know what happens when a person is always out of their mind drunk/drugged and they are living with you? You will end up on the receiving end of all kinds of nonsense: you could end up cleaning up after them, you could have your things stolen for booze money. At the very least... they will trash the place unintentionally cause they can't walk in (or think in) a straight line.
You don't have to stay to watch this morbid drama he's playing out for himself. If he can't stop, you already know the ending.
Live and let live means you let them drink or drug because they have a right to live or die the way they want to... although I do hope that if you see someone unconscious and near death's door, you roll them on their side and call an ambulance. BUT that does not mean that you allow them to live in your house.
Do you know what happens when a person is always out of their mind drunk/drugged and they are living with you? You will end up on the receiving end of all kinds of nonsense: you could end up cleaning up after them, you could have your things stolen for booze money. At the very least... they will trash the place unintentionally cause they can't walk in (or think in) a straight line.
You don't have to stay to watch this morbid drama he's playing out for himself. If he can't stop, you already know the ending.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
If he chooses to drink, he chooses to not be able to take care of himself. Sheltering him from the consequences of his choices is not helping him, it's aiding and abetting his self delusion that his drinking is not a problem.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,998
Originally Posted by Glenjo99 
He rang tonight wanting to know if he could come to mine and drink! I told him no. He said great help you are. I turned off phone. I felt bad but thought it for best. Maybe I should have done what someone else said here in another thread and said live and let live? Let him come and drink as that what he wants to do as an adult, but I'm up early tomorrow and need my sleep. Not sure.
Also good job in realizing that it is important for you to get sleep so you can get up early. You are an adult who gets to choose this as important to you. Just as he is an adult who get to choose drinking as important to him.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
Originally Posted by tomsteve
over the last 13+ years ive seen only 3 things happen:
locked up
covered up
or
sobered up.
please dont help dig his grave because you'll be diggin it for 2 only you wont physically die- only mentally and emotionally.
locked up
covered up
or
sobered up.
please dont help dig his grave because you'll be diggin it for 2 only you wont physically die- only mentally and emotionally.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
It is so varied depending on the person, their drinking career, if they are being loved to death (enabled) how far advanced their alcoholism is etc. So many variables. But honestly, in the end, if they never stop, they will die. I don't know for sure what will happen with your A, but I can give examples of the A's in my life.....
My little sister is pretty far gone in her alcohism. She's mean and nasty, selfish to the core and unhappy. She's been hospitalized 3 times in 18 mo for pancreitis. She drinks in the mornings until she passes out at night. She's about to lose her job. That's ok though, my dad has already been paying her bills because he doesn't want her on the streets. So, no reason to try to quit when she's got it all.
My other sister is progressing in her alcoholism. Recently, when she was drunk, a cop told her to stop walking away. She didn't, he grabbed her, she punched him. Court ordered rehab, she lasted one day. She tried telling us she's going to AA, she loves her group and she got her 24 hour sober "pin". Quack quack.
I told her not to contact me, her boyfriend is leaving her, my dad won't talk to her (why he enables one daughter and shuts out the other one is beyond my understanding). She's tried to commit suicide several times in the past. She will never be able to live anywhere by herself on her disability income. I don't see this ending well.
My A brother in law won't be alive much longer. He can barely walk even with a cane, he's only 47. He has almost no muscle tone or strenght. His doctor told him 2 years ago he would be dead in 2-3 years if he didn't stop drinking. He's starting to get aggressive, he thinks the world is out to get him, he's in a fued with the neighbors over them starting their truck in the morning. He has a 15 year old son who needs his dad, but has never known his dad sober. Paranoia is starting to set in. He's going downhill mentally.
Three people who won't stop drinking. All have caused such pain to their families. I love all three of them so much. But I deserve to be happy and healthy. YOU DO TOO! I have no contact with any of them.
They will do what they are going to do. I can't control them no matter how hard I've tried. I worry about them, but I don't feel guilty. I'm at least as important as they are, and so are you. Their ship is sinking, I won't sacrifice myself, I abandoned ship. I feel at peace with my decision.
My little sister is pretty far gone in her alcohism. She's mean and nasty, selfish to the core and unhappy. She's been hospitalized 3 times in 18 mo for pancreitis. She drinks in the mornings until she passes out at night. She's about to lose her job. That's ok though, my dad has already been paying her bills because he doesn't want her on the streets. So, no reason to try to quit when she's got it all.
My other sister is progressing in her alcoholism. Recently, when she was drunk, a cop told her to stop walking away. She didn't, he grabbed her, she punched him. Court ordered rehab, she lasted one day. She tried telling us she's going to AA, she loves her group and she got her 24 hour sober "pin". Quack quack.
I told her not to contact me, her boyfriend is leaving her, my dad won't talk to her (why he enables one daughter and shuts out the other one is beyond my understanding). She's tried to commit suicide several times in the past. She will never be able to live anywhere by herself on her disability income. I don't see this ending well.
My A brother in law won't be alive much longer. He can barely walk even with a cane, he's only 47. He has almost no muscle tone or strenght. His doctor told him 2 years ago he would be dead in 2-3 years if he didn't stop drinking. He's starting to get aggressive, he thinks the world is out to get him, he's in a fued with the neighbors over them starting their truck in the morning. He has a 15 year old son who needs his dad, but has never known his dad sober. Paranoia is starting to set in. He's going downhill mentally.
Three people who won't stop drinking. All have caused such pain to their families. I love all three of them so much. But I deserve to be happy and healthy. YOU DO TOO! I have no contact with any of them.
They will do what they are going to do. I can't control them no matter how hard I've tried. I worry about them, but I don't feel guilty. I'm at least as important as they are, and so are you. Their ship is sinking, I won't sacrifice myself, I abandoned ship. I feel at peace with my decision.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
AH and I have been together for about 15 years. We drank daily and heavily together until I become so utterly sick and tired of it. I managed to quit about 8 1/2 years ago.
He continued to drink.
I am working and loving a strong program. I am thriving. Best I have ever been in my life. Fit, slim, healthy, active, connected to other people, being of use to others.
AH is near death. Has heart failure, neuropathy, diabetes and other ailments. Can hardly walk or move about as so frail.
He continued to drink.
I am working and loving a strong program. I am thriving. Best I have ever been in my life. Fit, slim, healthy, active, connected to other people, being of use to others.
AH is near death. Has heart failure, neuropathy, diabetes and other ailments. Can hardly walk or move about as so frail.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Thanks for the replies. It's a pretty grim outlook. I'm so glad I've been looking after myself these last months and even these last week's, haven't got enmeshed in the situation, more looking at it from outside. Now is where I'll need my real strength, to say no to him moving in. He loves dogs and wants to come see mine.
His cousin has promised to buy him a puppy if he gives up alcohol. If it wasn't so serious I'd be laughing at that . If he's not giving it up for himself or close family a puppy isn't going to do it.
I'm guessing my cue will be to say, I love you, but can't have you live with me when drinking, but if you ever get sober I'll be here. I have a terrible feeling he's not going to make it.
His cousin has promised to buy him a puppy if he gives up alcohol. If it wasn't so serious I'd be laughing at that . If he's not giving it up for himself or close family a puppy isn't going to do it.
I'm guessing my cue will be to say, I love you, but can't have you live with me when drinking, but if you ever get sober I'll be here. I have a terrible feeling he's not going to make it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Originally Posted by Bekindalways
When he said you were a "great help" you can translate that to meaning "you are great at helping him to freely experience the consequences of his drinking." Good for you Glen. This is excellent on your part.
Also good job in realizing that it is important for you to get sleep so you can get up early. You are an adult who gets to choose this as important to you. Just as he is an adult who get to choose drinking as important to him.
Also good job in realizing that it is important for you to get sleep so you can get up early. You are an adult who gets to choose this as important to you. Just as he is an adult who get to choose drinking as important to him.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
I used to use this line on my son all the time.
"If you are doing X, you are telling me Y."
If you don't clean your room, you are telling me that you don't want to go out and play.
If you fail to turn in your homework, you are telling me that I should revoke your phone privileges.
If your ex drinks, he is telling you that he doesn't want to change.
If your ex drinks, he is telling you that he doesn't want the help that truly matters.
And all you can do is listen and move on from there.
"If you are doing X, you are telling me Y."
If you don't clean your room, you are telling me that you don't want to go out and play.
If you fail to turn in your homework, you are telling me that I should revoke your phone privileges.
If your ex drinks, he is telling you that he doesn't want to change.
If your ex drinks, he is telling you that he doesn't want the help that truly matters.
And all you can do is listen and move on from there.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 319
It’s really hard to say what the furture holds, it’d be nice if we had a crystal ball to see. I’ve known people who have died drug/ alcohol related deaths in their teens, some people who are in their 70s who are still alive, and all sorts of ages/ scenarios in between. Your person is derailed at this point, but who knows what his future will be..
One thing to think about, is if you let him in, and realize you made a mistake, it will most likely be a nightmare to get him out. Your home should be your sanctuary, you should be able to at least have safety and peace in your own place. And if he’s there running amok, lord only knows what you will end up going through. And he sounds like a loose cannon, so whatever chaos he unleashes, most likely the person feeling the consequences will be you, not him. However bad it seems now, trust us, it can get worse. Hang tough!
One thing to think about, is if you let him in, and realize you made a mistake, it will most likely be a nightmare to get him out. Your home should be your sanctuary, you should be able to at least have safety and peace in your own place. And if he’s there running amok, lord only knows what you will end up going through. And he sounds like a loose cannon, so whatever chaos he unleashes, most likely the person feeling the consequences will be you, not him. However bad it seems now, trust us, it can get worse. Hang tough!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Only he can decide what happens next. He has resources but the pain of what he is doing to himself is not enough to make him decide HE WANTS IT at this point. He has to want to be well, and no one can do that for him.
No new contact = No new hurts.
No new contact = No new hurts.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Thanks for the replies. It's a pretty grim outlook. I'm so glad I've been looking after myself these last months and even these last week's, haven't got enmeshed in the situation, more looking at it from outside.
You can’t really look at it from the outside when you continue to put yourself on the inside. It’s not about having the strength to just say no to him wanting to use you, it’s about having the strength to get this toxic person out of your life for good.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Originally Posted by Glenjo99
I have a terrible feeling he's not going to make it.
Well, if she gets a puppy, she will have a puppy. Wouldn't it be great if alcoholism could be cured with a puppy!
Your "terrible feeling" is just that, a feeling, not a fact. People drink copious amounts of alcohol for yeaaaaaaaaars and keep plugging along.
Some don't. No way to tell how he is doing really and he obviously does not care at this point. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it, can't Cure it. No matter how good you are, no matter how kind, selfless, caring - no matter, you cannot "fix" him. He has said he doesn't want help. Have to respect that.
So, I'm just going to throw this out there. It almost seems like you want him to cross some kind of invisible line where you can go, hell no, no I'm not doing that, not going to take it anymore, etc.
But you haven't reached your boiling point - yet. Him moving in would guarantee the implosion of this relationship. Is that what you are actually looking for? A few weeks of coming home from work and finding him drunk on the sofa railing about - something - the first physically violent confrontation?
Problem is, once he is in your place you might have quite a time removing him. Give him more lee-way another way perhaps?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
So what happens to someone who doesn't want to stop drinking .
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by atalose
I know you want to believe that but sadly you remain very much emotionally enmeshed in his situation and again in contact with him.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 2,583
If I continued to drink what would happen to me? I would lose my daughter for a start. Alienate all my friends and family. Lose my job. Drink drive . Physically attack someone. May even kill someone. Go insane. Get locked up, either in jail or mental asylum, die from an alcohol related disease or accident or kill myself.
I don't know if they would all happen. Maybe I would kill myself before I lost my job? Or maybe I would kill someone and avoid jail time by killing myself. Who knows? I am glad I am now in recovery and will never have to find that out.
What I DO know for sure is that no one could stop me drinking until I was ready to do it. For me.
Look after yourself. Because the alcoholic/addict in your life sure as hell won't.
I don't know if they would all happen. Maybe I would kill myself before I lost my job? Or maybe I would kill someone and avoid jail time by killing myself. Who knows? I am glad I am now in recovery and will never have to find that out.
What I DO know for sure is that no one could stop me drinking until I was ready to do it. For me.
Look after yourself. Because the alcoholic/addict in your life sure as hell won't.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
I've finally seen the light! He called around today and asked if he could move in. I said no not while drinking and actively drinking. He got a bit upset but then kept trying to win me around with loads of compliments.
He called in tonight, drink had a few bottles of wine and then got his cousin to pick him up. Something switched! I realised he doesn't give a holy crap about me. He actually is a user, soley out for his addiction and I will not be putting up with the anxiety I feel when he's around ever again.
I've seen the light. Happy friggin days.
He called in tonight, drink had a few bottles of wine and then got his cousin to pick him up. Something switched! I realised he doesn't give a holy crap about me. He actually is a user, soley out for his addiction and I will not be putting up with the anxiety I feel when he's around ever again.
I've seen the light. Happy friggin days.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
I've seen the can I live here lead to nothing but more enabling even if incidental. The alcoholic or addict must learn to prioritize their basic needs like food and shelter. By giving or making those things easier it's more time to find the next drink or high. Force a decision, sobriety or a continuation of what ever.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
Originally Posted by Glenjo99
I'm not an alcoholic. He could gladly stay here if he got sober but even in a short conversation earlier he more or less admitted he doesn't want to stop.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
