Recovering within a relationship with alcoholic boyfriend

Old 12-15-2018, 06:27 PM
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Originally Posted by FireSprite View Post
I didn't mean a single word of what I wrote the way you took it. I'm living proof that these relationships CAN work & said as much up -thread.
I wasn't getting the CAN vibe from you FireSprite...your post came off very doom and gloom to me. I appreciate your insights though.

Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
If you would ever like some specific examples....I can give you some....
Yes I'd be happy for you to share examples.

Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr View Post
I suggest reading about alcoholism and its progression in the stickys ....
I've spent months reading the stickies... any specific links you'd like to share, feel free.

Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Surfbee…...Just for the sake of discussion...Adult ADHD presents in several different ways....there can be lots of individual difference/patterns. It is typical that one can hyperfocus if they are interested in something. The problem comes if they get bored with something....Some are actually, very organized into their particular routines.....
The need to be away or alone is not uncommon...as it decreases environmental stimulation. If a person is introverted, they often need periods of time alone to refuel...they may get exhausted with being around other people.....Nature can, also, be soothing to them...…

Surfbee….if you are feeling happy and have inner peace.....that is Super Cool.....
It is good that you can accept him, just as he is......and have a fulfilling life...…
Just keep doing whatever you are doing that has gotten you to this place....
Don't worry about what others think, if you are happy....

I think that others, on the forum, (and I am guilty, also), just try to warn others where the rocks in the water might be, going forward.....just trying to protect others from some of the pitfalls that they have experienced.....
I know that you want others to share and celebrate your joy...and, it can feel very annoying and invalidating when one is met with warnings or "criticisms".....
Don't let it throw you...lol...….
Thanks! I know everyone means well.
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Old 12-16-2018, 04:36 AM
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I'd like to clear the air and say that I very much appreciate everyone's advice... I don't wish to fall out over misunderstandings. I respect everyone here. I just didn't like the gloomy warnings. Even if you didn't mean it that way... I took it that way because I was feeling happy and so it felt like a big contrast against the way I was looking at things.

I know there are rocks in the pool ...I know it isn't all plain sailing or going to be but I'm a good swimmer and I'm a better swimmer now knowing I don't need to rely on my boyfriend to support me and light me up ... one of my habits for years (in pretty much all previous romantic relationships) was relying on a boyfriend to make me feel whole and safe. Influenced by too many romantic fairytale movies growing up no doubt... and a lack of stability in the family household... but now I see that yes I'm big romantic but I'm enjoying giving myself all the love now... !

And funnily enough, my boyfriend is making changes without me needing him to... he's drying out, going to bed early, yoga'ing every morning and reading Brene Brown lol would never have seen that coming. He's typically a very stubborn person who doesn't like to do anything unless it comes from him... (this was always very maddening and why I got so enmeshed in his problems) ... i wanted to control him but now he's pretty much following all the stuff I'm into... ?! How do we explain that? !

Perhaps it's down to loving myself, genuinely... letting go of resentments... and reminding myself that I fell for someone who is a good person and does want to get better.

If we outgrow each other then what will be will be. I will not always feel this way... sometimes panic and fear will hit me, but it's a good thing I got you all, Abraham Hicks and yoga to help keep me clear. x
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Old 12-16-2018, 05:31 AM
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Originally Posted by Surfbee View Post
... reminding myself that I fell for someone who is a good person and does want to get better.
Appreciate this reminder for myself. Thank you, Surfbee.
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Old 12-16-2018, 05:34 AM
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surfbee…..I think it is very human to not want our parade rained on.
I understand that feeling. Lord knows...I have had my own parade rained on, at times...and, it does not feel good.

I am dedicating the following song to you...it has become one of my favorites....


https://www.bing.com/search?q=youtub...A&pc=EUPP_UE04
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Old 12-16-2018, 04:13 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
surfbee…..I think it is very human to not want our parade rained on.
I understand that feeling. Lord knows...I have had my own parade rained on, at times...and, it does not feel good.

I am dedicating the following song to you...it has become one of my favorites....


https://www.bing.com/search?q=youtub...A&pc=EUPP_UE04
That's lovely Dandylion, very fitting lyrics! thank you. ha! x
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Old 12-16-2018, 04:20 PM
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Originally Posted by FallenAngelina View Post
Appreciate this reminder for myself. Thank you, Surfbee.
thank you too x
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Old 12-16-2018, 10:55 PM
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Hi Surfbee, the way l see it is, two people who care for each other can each take care of their own 'side of the street' but still meet halfway and enjoy good times together. You are working hard at looking after yourself so don't beat yourself up for the occasional slip. As long as you are still getting positive things from the relationship it is worth the effort. X
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Old 12-16-2018, 11:19 PM
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To 'let go' does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.

To 'let go' is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.

To 'let go' is not to enable.
but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To 'let go' is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To 'let go' is not to try to change or blame another,
It's to make the most of myself.

To 'let go' is not to 'care for',
but to 'care about'.

To 'let go' is not to fix,
but to be supportive.

To 'let go' is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.

To 'let go' is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.

To 'let go' is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.

To 'let go' is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To 'let go' is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.

To 'let go' is not to criticize and regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To 'let go' is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To 'let go' is to fear less,
and to love more.
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Old 12-17-2018, 10:24 AM
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Originally Posted by Awal View Post
Hi Surfbee, the way l see it is, two people who care for each other can each take care of their own 'side of the street' but still meet halfway and enjoy good times together. You are working hard at looking after yourself so don't beat yourself up for the occasional slip. As long as you are still getting positive things from the relationship it is worth the effort. X
Thank you Awal.... X !!


Originally Posted by Awal View Post
To 'let go' does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.

To 'let go' is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.

To 'let go' is not to enable.
but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To 'let go' is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To 'let go' is not to try to change or blame another,
It's to make the most of myself.

To 'let go' is not to 'care for',
but to 'care about'.

To 'let go' is not to fix,
but to be supportive.

To 'let go' is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.

To 'let go' is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.

To 'let go' is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.

To 'let go' is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To 'let go' is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.

To 'let go' is not to criticize and regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To 'let go' is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To 'let go' is to fear less,
and to love more.
I love this.... thank you ! I feel this is the biggest lesson in loving someone with an addiction or any kind of mental health issue....or loving anyone for that matter.... is to learn the art of 'letting go'....

A beautiful and seemingly easy philosophy on paper but the crazy emotional hoops you have to jump through in order to understand for yourself is like experiencing a temporary 'hell on earth'.... when you're so wrapped up inside the actions of another...it's like being inside a prison that you've created....But now it's like this weight has been lifted.... because freedom is felt the moment you decide it.... "live and let live" as you so aptly put it Awal ! x

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Old 12-17-2018, 10:46 AM
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Originally Posted by Surfbee View Post
Thank you Awal.... X !!




I love this.... thank you ! I feel this is the biggest lesson in loving someone with an addiction or any kind of mental health issue....or loving anyone for that matter.... is to learn the art of 'letting go'....

A beautiful and seemingly easy philosophy on paper but the crazy emotional hoops you have to jump through in order to understand for yourself is like experiencing a temporary 'hell on earth'.... when you're so wrapped up inside the actions of another...it's like being inside a prison that you've created....But now it's like this weight has been lifted.... because freedom is felt the moment you decide it.... "live and let live" as you so aptly put it Awal ! x

Its definitely a turning point...long may it continue. Xx
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Old 12-17-2018, 12:19 PM
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I still get triggered from time to time but I seem to be better placed at allowing things to wash over me and settle
but I'm noticing the very sharp contrast from where I was at only yesterday and it's upsetting.
Hey surfbee, just wanted to say sorry about your great-uncle, I'm sure that was upsetting for you and hope you are doing ok.

So I have been thinking about this some more, as one does (because this dynamic interests me and because I care).

You mention getting "triggered" and I guess that is the part that I find to be a stumbling block in this. If someone treats you badly, for lack of a better term, that's certainly a trigger but not one to be ignored perhaps.

That's my thing with detachment. Detach, detach, how on earth does anyone cope without that, I get it, I subscribe to it, I support it! But call a spade a spade. Less than stellar treatment should not be glossed over, no amount of meditation or bolstering ourselves up or rushing over to our side of the street makes that ok and to ignore it, to gloss over it, is fraught with problems (just my opinion of course).

It is entirely possible to cope in a relationship with an alcoholic (my Mother did it for 22 years) that doesn't mean it has no effect.

I don't know, I don't have an answer here, I get that enough meditation and self-care and focusing on yourself can center you and that is 100% important, but this relationship has huge challenges and over time that can wear on you.

For sure we ALL need space sometimes, to unwind, to regroup to get our thoughts together, that is really healthy behaviour in my book. But deciding to take several days vacation from a relationship (your BF) must take some toll on you?

But maybe not, I guess I'm asking? When you are sitting there alone instead of out say, having dinner or going to catch a movie with your SO, which you can't do because he is holed up drinking or isolating, is that good for you?
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Old 12-17-2018, 01:24 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Hey surfbee, just wanted to say sorry about your great-uncle, I'm sure that was upsetting for you and hope you are doing ok.

So I have been thinking about this some more, as one does (because this dynamic interests me and because I care).

You mention getting "triggered" and I guess that is the part that I find to be a stumbling block in this. If someone treats you badly, for lack of a better term, that's certainly a trigger but not one to be ignored perhaps.

That's my thing with detachment. Detach, detach, how on earth does anyone cope without that, I get it, I subscribe to it, I support it! But call a spade a spade. Less than stellar treatment should not be glossed over, no amount of meditation or bolstering ourselves up or rushing over to our side of the street makes that ok and to ignore it, to gloss over it, is fraught with problems (just my opinion of course).

It is entirely possible to cope in a relationship with an alcoholic (my Mother did it for 22 years) that doesn't mean it has no effect.

I don't know, I don't have an answer here, I get that enough meditation and self-care and focusing on yourself can center you and that is 100% important, but this relationship has huge challenges and over time that can wear on you.

For sure we ALL need space sometimes, to unwind, to regroup to get our thoughts together, that is really healthy behaviour in my book. But deciding to take several days vacation from a relationship (your BF) must take some toll on you?

But maybe not, I guess I'm asking? When you are sitting there alone instead of out say, having dinner or going to catch a movie with your SO, which you can't do because he is holed up drinking or isolating, is that good for you?
l would hope surfbee doesnt sit alone every time her BF is drinking...but maybe finds a friend or family member to share the time with. Or maybe spends the time doing a hobby...or exercising...or listening to favourite music etc. It doesn't have to be doom when the A is on a bender...unless they are being violent then of course that's different. Take the good times and ignore the rest is perhaps the best approach.
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Old 12-17-2018, 01:47 PM
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Originally Posted by Awal View Post
l would hope surfbee doesnt sit alone every time her BF is drinking...but maybe finds a friend or family member to share the time with. Or maybe spends the time doing a hobby...or exercising...or listening to favourite music etc. It doesn't have to be doom when the A is on a bender...unless they are being violent then of course that's different. Take the good times and ignore the rest is perhaps the best approach.
Yeah, I didn't mean to imply she did - at all. I was trying to keep my replies brief-ish.

I am apparently not explaining myself very well in this thread so I shall bow out. But you know I wish you both well.
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Old 12-17-2018, 02:38 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Yeah, I didn't mean to imply she did - at all. I was trying to keep my replies brief-ish.

I am apparently not explaining myself very well in this thread so I shall bow out. But you know I wish you both well.
Trailmix, your comments were innocent and inoffensive, l know you were just generalising...lm sure a lot of partners of A's do sit alone and feel despair. But it sounds like surfbee has turned a similar corner to me and is trying to be positive and taking life a day at a time with no expectations.
A blip now and then is normal l would guess. X
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Old 12-17-2018, 04:29 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Hey surfbee, just wanted to say sorry about your great-uncle, I'm sure that was upsetting for you and hope you are doing ok.

So I have been thinking about this some more, as one does (because this dynamic interests me and because I care).
Thank you! I appreciate that you care T please don't bow out!



I'm happy to clarify because I like to unravel thoughts here lol as you have seen in all my previous postings ! I do like to get it ALL out when I'm in the mood to talk here on SR.

Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
You mention getting "triggered" and I guess that is the part that I find to be a stumbling block in this. If someone treats you badly, for lack of a better term, that's certainly a trigger but not one to be ignored perhaps.
Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Less than stellar treatment should not be glossed over, no amount of meditation or bolstering ourselves up or rushing over to our side of the street makes that ok and to ignore it, to gloss over it, is fraught with problems (just my opinion of course).
I sometimes feel triggers (i.e I feel annoyed / irritated) when he's being annoyingly curt or irritable. I don't ignore it. I typically react to his irritation.... in a dramatic disconnected way which doesn't ever serve me. Best scenario is when we both just relax, and therefore there is no issue - no big dramatic walk away to my flat moment. But when I choose to react .... I enter into a heavier mode which is the contrast I don't want.

Now, when I'm in this mode - I am very focused on what isn't there... I am very focused on his lack of support.

I don't see the good at those times. He'll bring me tea, or go fix something in the house and make dinner... but because 'he isn't talking to me about his emotions', i can take that as a 'he's so not supporting me' and so I'll feel heavier... and then 'I'll blame him for not being there'.... and yet, in his way, he's been trying to show me through actions that he cares. When in heavy mode, I'm disconnected from myself therefore less clarity. I do not to see the whole picture.

Sometimes I'm out of line, sometimes he is. He has a dry sense of humour and very funny so humour and curtness can get blurred. But he will apologise when he realises he's crossed line. And no he doesn't always take 3 days to apologise, mostly it's instant but the few occasions where we have had days apart - I see that we've both needed space to re-connect with ourselves... we've been through the mill so time to reconnect has been a blessing. I'm not meditating away his bad behaviour. I'm not on a cloud imagining that he's a perfect fluffy guy. I meditate for my work, clarity, my well being. It's like putting money in the bank.

Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
but this relationship has huge challenges and over time that can wear on you.
I've decided to no longer view his drinking issue as a challenge - but more as as 'that's his hobby' ... let him enjoy it ! An interesting thing I've noticed btw is how much fun I was stopping myself from having because of feeling too worried about other peoples drinking.
Now I'm like - I want to have a drink sometimes and let my hair down ! The last time I was out, my boyfriend ended up being the sober one. That was a first !

Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
For sure we ALL need space sometimes, to unwind, to regroup to get our thoughts together, that is really healthy behaviour in my book. But deciding to take several days vacation from a relationship (your BF) must take some toll on you?

But maybe not, I guess I'm asking? When you are sitting there alone instead of out say, having dinner or going to catch a movie with your SO, which you can't do because he is holed up drinking or isolating, is that good for you?
It has been very draining in the past. When I was trying to control him , it was very draining on me, but that was when I was in a needy disconnected place.

Meditating and yoga have become two of my essential self-care pillars.... and they've served me well for years. But over the last two years I didn't practice them (maybe there was a spiritual reason for that... ) ....as evidently I needed to learn what I know now about myself... and that is the full awareness of what the missing gap has been for the last 15 or so years long before my boyfriend came on the scene.... And that is - I am happier when I lean on myself... and I don't want to crave needy validation or support from my boyfriend.... I'd been disconnected from that truth for a long time. I want to ask for support from a place of respect for myself, not from a place of need, I'm feeling the full benefits of what yoga and meditation is bringing to me.... this clarity.

I love how you think and deconstruct a problem T ... you help me .... you helped me find my way. I told my family about you and others here when I was going through the emotional ringer all summer about how much you helped me here in this forum.... so I'm happy to get into the details.

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Old 12-17-2018, 08:36 PM
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Thanks surf and awal, I just wanted to make sure I wasn't muddying the conversational waters as it were.

I have to say surf, I never saw neediness in your interactions you have shared. If you have an expectation (and yes, we are allowed to have those lol) and it keeps getting tromped on, a certain amount disgruntlement seems normal to me, just means hey - something is not ok with this, for me. How you deal with it is, of course, your choice, be that through detachment, self reliance or meditation!

I totally get what you mean about your example of making dinner vs dealing on an emotional level as well.
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Old 12-18-2018, 04:04 AM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
I have to say surf, I never saw neediness in your interactions you have shared. If you have an expectation (and yes, we are allowed to have those lol) and it keeps getting tromped on, a certain amount disgruntlement seems normal to me, just means hey - something is not ok with this, for me.
He doesn't keep trumping on my expectations. That isn't accurate. The issue for me was that my reactions were a result of me bottling things up until I'd explode. Reactions were explosions. Shouting and screaming heads off were sadly the norm in my family. And I copied, unconsciously those behaviours. And so I choose not to live like that anymore. That's the 'reaction' I was referring to. In pretty much all relationships, until now, I'd bottle up and explode as oppose to expressing disgruntlements as and when they arrive. Now I express myself in a more empowered way.

I feel I've been misunderstood. Maybe I haven't done a good job at expressing myself. He has never said or thought I was "needy". The point was I've felt it by the way I'd allow my mind to run havok with worry and fear, hence the anger the erupts from that. I think neediness was the wrong choice of word.
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Old 12-18-2018, 04:33 AM
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Ebb and flow of recovery. Enjoy the good. Allow clarity. One day at a time.
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Old 12-18-2018, 08:51 AM
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No, not at all! I understand what you are saying now. That was just me thinking there was another component here, which there is not, I totally understand what you are saying.
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Old 12-19-2018, 09:55 AM
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💖 ! x
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