Recovering within a relationship with alcoholic boyfriend
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.... and just to be clear, I AM recovering in a relationship with a husband with ADHD, so I obviously believe this is doable.
Popular opinion or not, I truly believe that his drinking issues have always been 2nd to his ADHD. I have always rejected the alcoholic label for him (even when he himself accepted it) because it simply does not fit. (But hey, recovery is good for everyone so I don't care what gets you there.... and hey again, I'm grateful that it's what brought me to my path of healing as well.....)
If he's not paying attention to his ADHD issues, every other part of life spirals out of control. It starts THERE for him, it is the primary issue needing treatment, not addiction. Addiction is more like one of his unacceptable secondary behaviors brought out as a result of his ADHD.
These are very separate issues.
Popular opinion or not, I truly believe that his drinking issues have always been 2nd to his ADHD. I have always rejected the alcoholic label for him (even when he himself accepted it) because it simply does not fit. (But hey, recovery is good for everyone so I don't care what gets you there.... and hey again, I'm grateful that it's what brought me to my path of healing as well.....)
If he's not paying attention to his ADHD issues, every other part of life spirals out of control. It starts THERE for him, it is the primary issue needing treatment, not addiction. Addiction is more like one of his unacceptable secondary behaviors brought out as a result of his ADHD.
These are very separate issues.
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Originally Posted by trailmix 
Don't get me wrong, this is no attack on Al-Anon or what they suggest, I think detaching is a great tool, but it's not a path to having a good, healthy, relationship with an SO, it is a coping tool.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
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Originally Posted by dandylion
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Yes, this is what I'm talking about.
"Detachment" in the Psychology Today article is not quite the same concept as AlAnon's "loving detachment." Perhaps you were thinking of the kind of detachment in the article, but this is not what the AlAnon program means when we learn about "loving detachment."
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Originally Posted by FallenAngelina
Just to clarify, then:
"Detachment" in the Psychology Today article is not quite the same concept as AlAnon's "loving detachment." Perhaps you were thinking of the kind of detachment in the article, but this is not what the AlAnon program means when we learn about "loving detachment."
"Detachment" in the Psychology Today article is not quite the same concept as AlAnon's "loving detachment." Perhaps you were thinking of the kind of detachment in the article, but this is not what the AlAnon program means when we learn about "loving detachment."
You can retreat to your place of calm, you do not need anyone to love you or take care of you, you can love yourself, you can be content in your own company, you can see friends, have fun, live your life.
I do understand that.
What I am saying is that detaching with love or hate, it is still detaching, it is removing part of your connection, it is protecting the vulnerability you might otherwise share in a healthy relationship.
Now that's ok and I certainly don't think anyone should or shouldn't do that but when you are in a relationship where the other party retreats at the first sign of trouble or emotion, you can love them but you cannot be truly close to them because you cannot and should not trust them with your feelings.
Yes, there can be a different intent, detach with love, detach with hate, detach with indifference, detaching with love perhaps being the least damaging, it is still taking something away.
verb
gerund or present participle: detaching
1.
disengage (something or part of something) and remove it.
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After feeling totally wiped out this summer, I decided to find my inner peace no matter what was going on around me.
And here’s the result of that decision - I now feel the most happy and clearest I’ve felt in years...perhaps even the happiest...I have awakened whilst remaining inside the relationship. I’ve discovered that I can have an amazingly connected relationship with him whilst also having an amazing connection with myself. I’m feeling more and more aligned to who I really am.
As FallenAngelina expressed, the “bumps” along the way are all part of the process… and I’m enjoying this process. In regards to our communication - yes we've have had a terrible habit of reacting strongly to each other which has typically lead to communication breakdown, but we do also hash out problems and show concern for each other (this happens most productively when we’re both open and ready).
Last night when I was taking a walk, he texted me to tell me not to worry about anything and he just needs some time by himself. If this had been months ago, he wouldn’t have updated me with any kind of reassurance and I’d have sent him umpteen messages and rocked up to his flat unannounced checking in on him. Whereas now, that initial panic trigger just guides me to go and be kind to myself. And when we see each other, we’ll talk from a place of readiness and openness.
This is not simply a coping tool, this is a new way of life and I’m applying it to my relationship with my sister too. I love her to bits but it has been a toxic relationship also at times - for many years. And she is really appreciating the difference she’s seeing in me now. I have more energy when I'm with her and we’re feeling closer… there are no arguments anymore, just peace and love between us.
I don't think it's dysfunctional to withdraw when you feel low. It’s simply an indication that one or both are feeling temporarily disconnected and so we need to sort ourselves out before we can be around each other. If we have to do that once a month then so be it. It’s a major improvement from the pattern we were in for the past two years were we would typically fall out every other day.
As for what actions he's taking. He's taking care of his body by exercising daily and cutting down on drinking, he's taking care of his home, working hard, and saving up to buy another home. However, what he is doing now is really irrelevant when my only concern with him now is how I feel when I'm around him, and how I feel in myself.
I hope this clarifies some things!
And here’s the result of that decision - I now feel the most happy and clearest I’ve felt in years...perhaps even the happiest...I have awakened whilst remaining inside the relationship. I’ve discovered that I can have an amazingly connected relationship with him whilst also having an amazing connection with myself. I’m feeling more and more aligned to who I really am.
As FallenAngelina expressed, the “bumps” along the way are all part of the process… and I’m enjoying this process. In regards to our communication - yes we've have had a terrible habit of reacting strongly to each other which has typically lead to communication breakdown, but we do also hash out problems and show concern for each other (this happens most productively when we’re both open and ready).
Last night when I was taking a walk, he texted me to tell me not to worry about anything and he just needs some time by himself. If this had been months ago, he wouldn’t have updated me with any kind of reassurance and I’d have sent him umpteen messages and rocked up to his flat unannounced checking in on him. Whereas now, that initial panic trigger just guides me to go and be kind to myself. And when we see each other, we’ll talk from a place of readiness and openness.
This is not simply a coping tool, this is a new way of life and I’m applying it to my relationship with my sister too. I love her to bits but it has been a toxic relationship also at times - for many years. And she is really appreciating the difference she’s seeing in me now. I have more energy when I'm with her and we’re feeling closer… there are no arguments anymore, just peace and love between us.
I don't think it's dysfunctional to withdraw when you feel low. It’s simply an indication that one or both are feeling temporarily disconnected and so we need to sort ourselves out before we can be around each other. If we have to do that once a month then so be it. It’s a major improvement from the pattern we were in for the past two years were we would typically fall out every other day.
As for what actions he's taking. He's taking care of his body by exercising daily and cutting down on drinking, he's taking care of his home, working hard, and saving up to buy another home. However, what he is doing now is really irrelevant when my only concern with him now is how I feel when I'm around him, and how I feel in myself.
I hope this clarifies some things!
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Originally Posted by trailmix
What I am saying is that detaching with love or hate, it is still detaching, it is removing part of your connection, it is protecting the vulnerability you might otherwise share in a healthy relationship.
Now that's ok and I certainly don't think anyone should or shouldn't do that but when you are in a relationship where the other party retreats at the first sign of trouble or emotion, you can love them but you cannot be truly close to them because you cannot and should not trust them with your feelings.
Yes, there can be a different intent, detach with love, detach with hate, detach with indifference, detaching with love perhaps being the least damaging, it is still taking something away..
Now that's ok and I certainly don't think anyone should or shouldn't do that but when you are in a relationship where the other party retreats at the first sign of trouble or emotion, you can love them but you cannot be truly close to them because you cannot and should not trust them with your feelings.
Yes, there can be a different intent, detach with love, detach with hate, detach with indifference, detaching with love perhaps being the least damaging, it is still taking something away..
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Originally Posted by Surfbee
I’m feeling more and more aligned to who I really am.
Not singling anyone out. I'm asking everyone here who takes issue with where I'm at or doesn't feel comfortable hearing about the fact that I'm accepting of him? And that I feel happier than I did before.
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Dandylion and Firesprite to answer your questions re ADHD - he hasn't been officially diagnosed with it. It was suspected by his school or his mum (who is a teacher). He shows some of the symptoms but not all. For example, he's incredibly well organised and very strong at planning. He can be restless and finds it challenging to see projects through but yet, when he's focused, he's all in and will do an expert job at it. I believe he has it but probably more on the mild side? Who knows! It could be mild to full blown severe.
He doesn't want to get tested. He hasn't been to an AA meeting. He takes no meds. His choice and I felt liberated the moment I stopped trying to mother him.
Today he messaged to say he's spending the week drying out. He said he's being alone with himself, having early nights, trying to get well rested to become happier with himself before he exposes himself to me. Fair play to him because I didn't ask him to dry out. I didn't demand it out of him.
No amount of obsessing over him and his problems ADHD or otherwise is going to make my life easier.
He doesn't want to get tested. He hasn't been to an AA meeting. He takes no meds. His choice and I felt liberated the moment I stopped trying to mother him.
Today he messaged to say he's spending the week drying out. He said he's being alone with himself, having early nights, trying to get well rested to become happier with himself before he exposes himself to me. Fair play to him because I didn't ask him to dry out. I didn't demand it out of him.
No amount of obsessing over him and his problems ADHD or otherwise is going to make my life easier.
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Surfbee…...Just for the sake of discussion...Adult ADHD presents in several different ways....there can be lots of individual difference/patterns. It is typical that one can hyperfocus if they are interested in something. The problem comes if they get bored with something....Some are actually, very organized into their particular routines.....
The need to be away or alone is not uncommon...as it decreases environmental stimulation. If a person is introverted, they often need periods of time alone to refuel...they may get exhausted with being around other people.....Nature can, also, be soothing to them...…
Surfbee….if you are feeling happy and have inner peace.....that is Super Cool.....
It is good that you can accept him, just as he is......and have a fulfilling life...…
Just keep doing whatever you are doing that has gotten you to this place....
Don't worry about what others think, if you are happy....
I think that others, on the forum, (and I am guilty, also), just try to warn others where the rocks in the water might be, going forward.....just trying to protect others from some of the pitfalls that they have experienced.....
I know that you want others to share and celebrate your joy...and, it can feel very annoying and invalidating when one is met with warnings or "criticisms".....
Don't let it throw you...lol...….
The need to be away or alone is not uncommon...as it decreases environmental stimulation. If a person is introverted, they often need periods of time alone to refuel...they may get exhausted with being around other people.....Nature can, also, be soothing to them...…
Surfbee….if you are feeling happy and have inner peace.....that is Super Cool.....
It is good that you can accept him, just as he is......and have a fulfilling life...…
Just keep doing whatever you are doing that has gotten you to this place....
Don't worry about what others think, if you are happy....
I think that others, on the forum, (and I am guilty, also), just try to warn others where the rocks in the water might be, going forward.....just trying to protect others from some of the pitfalls that they have experienced.....
I know that you want others to share and celebrate your joy...and, it can feel very annoying and invalidating when one is met with warnings or "criticisms".....
Don't let it throw you...lol...….
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I'm asking everyone here who takes issue with where I'm at or doesn't feel comfortable hearing about the fact that I'm accepting of him? And that I feel happier than I did before.
If you intend to continue to grow & get healthier on your own side of the street - no matter what that means, you need a partner that can weather that storm with you or you have to be willing to settle for less than you deserve. I'm not saying today, but someday possibly. None of us has a crystal ball but we DO have a lot of unfortunate experience, that's all we're trying to share here.
What I hear in your posts is a bit of defensiveness & that's ok - but you might want to examine if it means you aren't as confident about this arrangement as you want to be. I also hear you not saying it in so many words, but that he's not recovering so much as he is tweaking a few small things in a positive way. That's OK too - just don't try to convince yourself it's organic, fresh-baked whole-grain artisan bread rather than the bread crumbs that it is.
I brought up concerns about his ADHD diagnosis & treatment because you shared:
To those who don't know, my boyf is an alcoholic with ADHD. Before I joined this forum, I had no clue about the effects of alcoholism or ADHD, or how enmeshed us partners can get....but since SR I've learned new tools and feel more at peace and at ease.
None of this is Judgment unless you want to take it that way - I have LIVED this life for years now & I'm speaking from a very, very real perspective. It is NOT easy & if I didn't have decades in already, a child's welfare & enormous financial responsibilities tied to it in my life, I'd never sign up for it on purpose. It was all easy & manageable (& FUN!) until it wasn't & then there was no going back. This roller coaster ride has had some amazing highs but the lows are devastating.
Just stay honest with yourself about your needs & wants. Either he'll wake up & change to keep involved with you in a healthy way (difficult because empathy is difficult for ADHD peeps) or he won't & you'll be strong enough to walk away & seek a healthier relationship.
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Originally Posted by FireSprite
Not a single person here is challenging your acceptance of things Surf.
Originally Posted by FireSprite
Just don't try to convince yourself it's organic, fresh-baked whole-grain artisan bread rather than the bread crumbs that it is.
Originally Posted by FireSprite
None of this is Judgment unless you want to take it that way -
Originally Posted by FireSprite
I have LIVED this life for years now & I'm speaking from a very, very real perspective.
Originally Posted by FireSprite
It is NOT easy & if I didn't have decades in already, a child's welfare & enormous financial responsibilities tied to it in my life, I'd never sign up for it on purpose. It was all easy & manageable (& FUN!) until it wasn't & then there was no going back. This roller coaster ride has had some amazing highs but the lows are devastating.
I think it would be really good for everyone here to learn to examine the root of their own judgements, and recognise when you're projecting your own negative experiences onto others.
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What more adjustments do I need to take? What more awareness do I need to have? Do I need to unload every detail on all the books I've read and research I've done? Do I need to monitor him like an in-house doctor / mother figure?
Surfbee….maybe, this can clarify...…
For one thing...I think, that, giving him lots of "space".....as much as he needs, is a really good idea. Especially, with those who might have symptoms of ADHD. For me--that helped a lot! I , also, had to learn a lot about ADHD---not so that I could be a doctor or mother figure--but, so that I could change my reactions to certain behaviors.
Same thing with my alcoholic (not a partner...but, my adult son)….when I understood more about alcoholism, I was able to changing my reactions to the upsetting behaviors. Mostly, this consisted of making certain boundaries, and understanding how I, inadvertently, was enabling, in some ways.
Knowing what to expect was of enormous help to me in being prepared for what might happen.....
It wasn't about "managing" them, at all....but, putting me more in charge of myself, my feelings, and how to manage m y own behaviors/reactions.
As a result, I became more confident and did not take their behaviors as a personal affront, so much. That, alone, seemed to take a load off my shoulders.
Much like FireSprite has suggested...it did not make these relationships easy or conflict free...but, the improvement was huge....and resentments took a nosedive.....
If you would ever like some specific examples....I can give you some....
Surfbee….maybe, this can clarify...…
For one thing...I think, that, giving him lots of "space".....as much as he needs, is a really good idea. Especially, with those who might have symptoms of ADHD. For me--that helped a lot! I , also, had to learn a lot about ADHD---not so that I could be a doctor or mother figure--but, so that I could change my reactions to certain behaviors.
Same thing with my alcoholic (not a partner...but, my adult son)….when I understood more about alcoholism, I was able to changing my reactions to the upsetting behaviors. Mostly, this consisted of making certain boundaries, and understanding how I, inadvertently, was enabling, in some ways.
Knowing what to expect was of enormous help to me in being prepared for what might happen.....
It wasn't about "managing" them, at all....but, putting me more in charge of myself, my feelings, and how to manage m y own behaviors/reactions.
As a result, I became more confident and did not take their behaviors as a personal affront, so much. That, alone, seemed to take a load off my shoulders.
Much like FireSprite has suggested...it did not make these relationships easy or conflict free...but, the improvement was huge....and resentments took a nosedive.....
If you would ever like some specific examples....I can give you some....
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