clarity888

This is slightly off topic, but I am trying to approach a situation with some recovery tools. I live with my AH and son about 1.5 hours away from my parents, my 2 siblings & their kids. I talked to my mother yesterday, who mentioned my siblings had taken their five kids (my son's cousins) to a winter wonderland place, a road trip of 3 hours, for one kiddo's birthday and just family time. Well, with my son not being invited, even though we are even further from the place than they are, I am really hurt. Hurt they don't think of DS, who would've loved to go and get to know his cousins better who are all within a year or three of his age. My siblings....are twins, are men, and yes, their wives probably plan most things. We've all had disagreements, but I thought they were forgiven. I have mentioned that I'd like DS to spend quality time with his cousins, instead of b-day parties with 50 kids, but they apparently don't realize how important that feels (to me)when DS is an only child. I've always been the odd one out, being the older sibling, so this is mostly a reflection of that, but I am so upset that it's ruined my day. We are not close as siblings, but we've dealt with our father having a stroke a year ago, and being on his deathbed-turned-limbo situation of being bedridden. I guess I thought we'd turned a corner. My siblings don't know anything about my situation with AH, I know that for a fact. I guess maybe if they did know, they would reach out? I feel stupid right now, and can't get past feeling upset. My DS today said he hates being an only child, he is 8, he said it after his friends went home. I am mourning that at one time we'd planned to adopt and that isn't possible, I guess. Anyway, maybe I should give up on these busy siblings of mine because this is how things have been, mostly, with just me bringing DS to their kids' parties a lot (5 x a year plus visits to parents and maybe 1 trip to see us per year, if that).

I hope this is not too petty for this forum.

trailmix

Well, I don't have much to offer here because my sibling situation is far away from this (both Sisters, both very close in age).

That said, sometimes people make assumptions, sometimes they presume they know what you will decide and that stops them from inviting you.

One day both my Sisters were in town (rare) and they went out to lunch with my niece, they didn't invite me. I said why didn't you guys invite me! You all go out to lunch, practically down the street and don't even bother to invite me.

Well, my one Sister said, we didn't invite you because of XYZ and therefore knew you wouldn't want to go. She was right.

So I'm going to guess the SILs said, oh that would be a 10 hour round trip for clarity and Son, that's way to much, they won't want to go anyway. Now in your case i'm thinking that wasn't true?

Maybe, before giving up, more contact with the SILs is in order to let them know you are really interested, since they are organizing.

You're right, they probably don't and maybe they didn't think an outing like the one they made would be considered "quality time".

Plus they are all probably pretty close? Are you comfortable with the SILs and them with you?

I'm just thinking if you work on that relationship this will probably all come right, but i'm guessing at a lot of stuff here.

clarity888

I really appreciate your input, Trailmix. I think/thought I'm on good enough terms with the wives. It is probably a situation much like the one you've described. Their outing involved staying at a hotel, and just the two couples and five kids doing Christmas-y things with all the fake snow the place has shipped in, ice-skating. It would have been quality time, but it's too late now. To answer your question, I'm not sure if I would've dragged us up there or not, but I wish they would sometimes include DS when it's family time like that and during a holiday that kids love. i just need to get over it or try to communicate it to them nicely, which right now I can't do. Too much other stuff in my head and they just have no idea what's been going on here the last 6 months. That says it all; just not close to them so...it is what it is. Thank you for listening! Hugs.

hopeful4

I can only make a suggestion. I personally would invite them to do some things, and in conversation say how much it means b/c it's so important to your child to connect with cousins. Take the first step. And the second and third if you have to. I often have to have been the bigger person and come up with events, etc for family. However in the end, it's worth it.

atalose

Too much other stuff in my head and they just have no idea what's been going on here the last 6 months.

I personally feel that isolation and secrecy because of the alcoholism erodes all our relationships. We tend to decline many invitations due to trying to keep the drinking issue a secret.

Geography plays a big part in relationships, it’s really not that easy to be the one living the farthest away while they all live close by to each other. Not to sound callous but out of sight out of mind, it happens.

Based on your recent shares about AH relapsing it’s easy to get our minds going in that downward spiral and feel like no one cares and everyone is out to get us.

I know my relationships changed when I moved away and I found myself being the one on the outside looking in, because I was, the relationships changed because of geography. Then when I was living closer to family, the relationships changed because I was living a “pretend happy” life and I couldn’t let people in all that close because then they might find out. Besides my ex-husband was a control freak and he didn’t like people coming to HIS house.

I know for me I have to make the effort to foster my relationships instead of just allowing them to come to me. I think that was part of my codependent belief system, if they cared about me they would call, they would invite they would be thinking about me. It never really occurred to me that I should initiate the call, the invite no my thinking was if I mattered they would include me and besides I didn’t want to bother them! Didn’t want to intrude, didn’t want to be rejected, etc. etc. My stinking thinking keep me unhappy and feeling lonely.

Bernadette

THIS! ALL OF THIS from atalose!! And clarity888 your post is not off-topic for this forum at all!

What you're discussing (as atalose points out) is exactly the kind of stuff that I've had to deal with all my life and it resonates deeply with me because it comes from what I learned in the alcoholic/codependent dynamic of my childhood. This sh*t was (and sometimes still can be!) insidious and heavy until I got some real time and practice with recovery thinking and therapy. When I really kept working at my own recovery the stinkin thinkin did unravel and it did get lighter and clearer. For me, it took practice and really trying new ways of thinking and approaching problems.

marie1960

Maybe plan a cousin get together that is only a 45 minute commute for everyone involved.? It is important for the cousins to get to know each other, hang out together, create lifetime bonds.

I do understand how you are feeling left out, and as another poster said , perhaps they thought the 10 hour round trip would be too much to ask. But there is no reason you cannot create another event for everyone to get together.

clarity888

OMG you have all eased my mind so much! The pain I was feeling from it was all day long, it goes way back to childhood parents' divorce (when I had to go live with my dad, my siblings stayed with my mom, so I was never "part of" anymore), and my dad discouraged himself and me from speaking much to any of them. They just became their own little twin clan, and now that we all have kids, I'd like to be part of the family for my own son's sake (I am actually the mediator for many of the arguments my sibs have with our Dad). BUT, I've been crawling out of the depression hole today thinking screw it, I will invite ALL those kids to Christmas lights where they live, or halfway there, and if the parents don't have the time, which one couple often doesn't, I'll say hey, you don't have to go, just let your kids go. Thanks for helping me see how geography plays a role, and codependent thinking is a HUGE part of it too. I said to myself today, several times, "W.A.I.T", because I wanted to lay into one of my siblings, LOL. There is hope, and calming down for a few days and asking for help from all of you certainly helps. Much love to all!

velma929

Having a sibling doesn't mean one is less lonely. Once my sister learned to talk, we bickered almost constantly for the next 10 years. It was punctuated by my parents telling me it was all my fault because I was older and supposed to be more mature. It didn't matter what my sister did to me. They were great parents in other respects, but my dad favored my sister, and it wasn't subtle.

clarity888

Thank you for pointing that out; siblings are no guarantee of a playmate or lifetime friend. I am sorry you had to grow up with that. Their rationale that by being a minimal amount older, you were responsible for preventing bickering and every other thing under the sun is insane. Helloooooo parents: even the oldest kid is still a kid who is learning how to negotiate life/feelings themselves, and could use a little guidance...

Bethany57

What does FOO mean?

SparkleKitty

"Family of Origin"

Atlast9999

Mango212

Breaking this down to "one day at a time" and "does it matter in this one day?" can simplify solutions.

If in this one day it does matter, reconnecting in a new way can be helpful. Maybe invite them to meet up for swimming at an indoor pool, or air hockey time. If it winds up as you and your son without the cousins, perhaps that's enough for the day.

Focusing on the good brings more of it.

Mango212

Hi clarity,

Has there been any improvement with this?

NYCDoglvr

I had a resentment for my brother that lasted about 10 years. A great deal of it was expectations of what he should say and do and I was constantly disappointed. Finally I decided to just accept him as he is and let go of expectations. The result was my relationship improved 100% and today we're very close.

clarity888

Thank you Mango, for asking. I would say that yes, an improvement happened. During the obligatory Christmas gathering, my sibling and his wife said some supportive things, although it was uncomfortable for them because they only knew of AH's problems from our mother. I really appreciated it. The other sibling called me just the other day, and I am calling him back soon. I've delayed calling back because I don't know what to say (he was just calling to see how I was doing). I have not wanted to talk to ppl while AH has been gone the last 2 weeks. When I call back, I want to be real, and the "real" is so ugly and sad right now. But writing this helps me realize I will tell him, basically, that it's one day at a time, I am getting through. Not sure if he knows AH went to inpatient or not, or of any of it besides my mom saying to them that alcohol has affected AH's health. Thanks for all the viewpoints that have been shared. Mango, I will be open to what this phone call can bring.