sedasa

I think that was the case for my ex as well. His "plan" was staying sober for 1 year and at the end of it deciding whether to stay sober or to drink in "moderation". He was drinking 4 glasses of wine when he was at his "closest" to being sober and that "plan" was just another indicator of his delusional mind.

sedasa

I am in Australia and he was from the US. He was staying with me in Australia and working remotely for his employer for the first 6 months of our relationship. Then he went back to the US to finalise his divorce and got fired from his job while he was still there due to alcohol.
I ended up supporting him financially by sending money from Australia, paying for his airbnb etc. while he was looking for a new job and working with his lawyer on his divorce in the US.
He couldn't find a job and couldn't finalise his divorce during the 6 months he stayed in the US due to the reasons related with his alcohol addiction.
I ended up running out of money and patience. And finally broke up with him. A week later he was found dead on the street.

sedasa

I honestly don't think he would be able to go further than the first step as his "plan" was going sober for a year and then deciding whether to stay sober or to drink in "moderation". Completely delusional.

trailmix

Which really proves the point. When someone is that deep in to addiction you can:

A. Give them funds which they will probably spend on their drug of choice, Even if you only pay for things, rather than giving cash, like accomodation or food, that still frees up other funds for drugs. That contributes to the addiction by enabling them to buy alcohol. BUT - you don't get to choose what the money is spent on, it is not your responsibility.

B. Give them nothing which might cause them to choose more risky behaviours - crime, pan-handling, or they may choose to buy alcohol with what little money they have and be living on the streets.

Neither of these is a solution to addiction. Neither of these is "manageable" by you or anyone else, only by the addict.

sedasa

I am in Australia and he was from the US (and was in the US when he died). He was seeing a doctor at a well known mental health clinic over here and once I talked to his doctor who was prescribing him valium although he knew he was drinking on a daily basis. The doctor's assumption was "once the anxiety and panic attacks were fixed with therapy and valium, he wouldn't feel need for drinking". And I know that his doctor in the US had told him the same thing as well. I just don't understand how they were expecting someone drinking 2 bottles of wine on most days to could recover from mental health issues.
Sounds like unless you go to a rehab for inpatient treatment you can't really break that cycle. But the only time he gave a try for the inpatient rehab, he ended up leaving when the Ativan didn't help with his withdrawal symptoms - and I am not 100% sure if this was the truth or his perception.

trailmix

Well his perception was his truth, but not all drugs work for all people, so it may well be true.

I actually understand why they would give him the Valium etc. You have someone show up with a lethal drinking situation. They claim they want to quit but how do you cope with anxiety/depression/agoraphobia if you don't have the alcohol?

It's a catch 22 for a Doctor. Do you let the person go back out and just say, can't help and know they will just continue to drink or do you throw some trust out there and hope the valium or whatever DOES have enough of an effect to quell the cravings, with a bit of commitment from the alcoholic.

There are no easy answers when it comes to addiction really.

Coldfusion

All I know is that the combination of alcohol and benzos was very dangerous for me.

Sedasa, I am glad that you are discussing these things and getting therapy. I hope you continue to reach out for support. Keep reading and posting here!

sedasa

Thank you. Reading the articles and other members' stories/wisdom/knowledge have helped a lot with grieving and most importantly getting my head around what I went through over the last 1 year & 2 weeks. It is not a long time compared to durations of many other members' relationships but it was very intense. BUT I am trying to see the good in it as I was not aware of my Codependency till 3 weeks ago.

sedasa

You have summarised my last 6 months very accurately. He was eating once a day only and almost all of the cash I was sending him was spent on drinking at the bars at nights, buying wine to keep in his airbnb room, paying for uber/lyft to travel between airbnb and bars.
He would also smoke weed or even crack if he had no Valium left before he could refill. I told him that I didn't want him to spend my hard earned money on drugs and as you can guess it had absolutely no impact on him. And I was floored by his justification to smoke crack: he said it is chepear than paying to uber to go to a bar and drink - see he was actually being very considerate by smoking crack instead of getting sh*tface!

sedasa

Just read "The Bridge". I could definitely see myself and my ex bf as the 2 sides of the story. He was literally treating me as if he was my responsibility and if I was going to let him go I had to jump off with him.thanks for sharing.

FeelingGreat

sedasa, don't beat yourself up too much for being co-dependent. Many people from ordinary backgrounds make the mistake of enabling an addict. After a while they learn - but you're not born knowing these things.
I've supported people in the past and it's worked out ok. You were new to addiction and it didn't. You won't make the same mistakes again and that's what counts.
There are many stories on SR about hard core addicts and A's who have achieved sobriety, often after losing everything, so it can be done. I honestly think there's a little bit of luck involved in them staying alive long enough to have the revelation that they don't want to live like that anymore.

August252015

^^^This. As the person who many considered a lost cause and the like, based on a lot of the criteria you listed in fact, who DID finally choose life over a certain death by drinking - it is very possible. Likely? Statistically, don't think so, but IRL from stories I have heard - part of the miracle of AA for SURE, which is my choice - and of others with diff paths of CHOICE to recovery - many of whom share openly and consistently around here.

I had to do it for me. For whatever reason(s), I was finally DONE. Ultimately, I did not want to die.

My parents and others who love me desperately wanted it for me and at many (most?) of the path wanted and/or tried to do it FOR me. That simply doesn't work.

Everyone involved has to choose their own sanity, if not very life.

It's up to you whether to stay along for the ride and whatever it entails. For me, this ride very definitely includes dual diagnosis, most specifically what has been determined- IN SOBRIETY- to be lifelong anxiety. I took meds to help various aspects of my mental health WHILE drinking - nothing is truly going to be effective in that condition. To me, it's chicken egg as to what came first and can only be sorted out and effectively treated once we get sober. I use drugs and an excellent psych as ONE part of my recovery program.

I am eternally grateful that my family (99% of it- my brother and I are making slow strides with a recent solid leap forward, as I move towards 3 yr sobriety, ODAAT) chose to stay in the game. They are too.

My story could easily have had a very VERY different ending. I work daily to make sure that whatever I die from, it is not drinking.

Take care of yourself. Best to you BOTH.

sedasa

This post has made me burst into tears because that's what he told me maybe 50 times. "I am done with it and I will get sober for myself first and for my daughter and you second."
I believed him for a long time because in our 7 year friendship prior to our romantic relationship he had never done wrong by me. But he ended up breaking his promise and self-destructing himself.
I am really glad that you have been able to stop. Best of luck!

hopeful4

Addiction and mental health are just like any other disease. If you don't manage it, they will kill you. If you have cancer and won't get treatment because you are scared, the cancer will still eventually end your life.

Most people with mental health issues avoid treatment because they are scared and are unwilling to do what it takes to be well, which is take their medication, get the counseling, and stop abusing.

You cannot make someone accept help. No matter how hard you try. This was not your fault. It's tragic, but cannot be blamed on you. You did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you could not have cured it.

Huge hugs.

August252015

I'm sorry Sedasa- I missed the part about him losing husband battle. I am very glad you are getting support and working through your very real trauma. Take care of yourself.

velma929

I think people want to think they have control over things, both the family of the addict (maybe if we /if only we could/) and the addicted person too (I can control this,)

Some people are the opposite, and blame everything on everybody else, and take control or responsibility for nothing. Maybe our angst is not being able to evaluate which situation is which? Hey isn't that what the serenity prayer is about?

I can control whether I use my money for a fancy new wardrobe or a new floor in the kitchen. I can treat people nicely when I'm having a bad day. I can't force mental health on another person. It's almost a full time job maintaining my own.

NYCDoglvr

What I've learned after 27 years of AA is alcoholism IS a mental illness and the majority of alcoholics have other issues as well. Most recovering alcoholic are taking medication as well.

That said, the alcoholic has the right to pursue recovery or forgo help.

Cyranoak

nobody knows. nobody. just like nobody knows if they are going to die in a car crash. It's highly unlikely, but could happen each and every time you get in a car. however, it happens so rarely that almost nobody thinks twice about getting in a car.