sotired77

Ok, so I filed for divorce a week ago. Then 2 days ago my husband asked me to take him to the ER so he could detox. They gave him librium and sent him on his way. He spent the following day recovering/detoxing and then yesterday he went to work. Today happened to be his day off and, of course, he starts drinking again. I spent the day dropping off paperwork with the lawyer (and I felt so glad I did). The problem is that we live in a small house. For 11 years of his addiction, we lived in a big 5 bedroom house close to my family and work. When he would drink he would go to one of the guest rooms, and we wouldn't even know he was there. It was easy to go on with life, since you never really saw him. Now, we moved to a more expensive area (because HE wanted to), and the houses are smaller. We live in a tiny 2 bedroom house so he is right in our face when he is drinking. I don't even have a spare bedroom to sleep in. I have to sleep in the same bed with him passed out drunk next to me. It's just so hard to ignore and I feel like I'm living in hell. It's hell for the kids too. I would move out on my own, but the mortgage is so high, I can't afford to pay both the mortgage AND pay for a separate apartment. Right now we're staying with my mom for the weekend, but we have to go back on Monday when the kids go back to school. How do I get him out? He won't leave. The divorce will take 6 months. Any advice?

AtomicBlue

The situation sounds horrible. I know this isn’t much, but would he sleep on the couch nights he’s drinking?

dandylion

sotired...would he consider going to a rehab, and then to a sober living house, following that...…?

sotired77

I suggested that he may benefit from going to rehab, since none of the other things he is doing is working (ER visits, outpatient therapy, AA meetings, Smart Meetings, etc). He got defensive saying that I think I know it all. I left it open saying that if he changed his mind I would help him get into one. So I guess that's not an option. Sleeping on the couch won't help because when he's drinking he doesn't think straight. He ends up randomly stumbling around the house in a stupor. He'll pass out in the bed, on the couch, outside. I have no control over it. I can't reason with him and he does what ever he wants. He makes a mess of the house, and I have to go around and clean everything up so we're not living in filth. It's horrible for the kids to watch.

Amaranth

Sotired
sorry for what you are going through.
Have you heard of a website called 'trusted house sitters'?
No money changes hands. It usually involves looking after a pet while the owners are away. If you could find one nearby it would give you and the kids a little break. And your husband could have a taste of life without you

trailmix

When will he be served with the divorce papers? Perhaps that will move things along in that he will realize he needs to look for a place.

FeelingGreat

Does he have sober times when you and the kids could get together and explain to him how unpleasant living with his behaviour is? In other words, bring on some moral pressure in a way that emphasises the good of his family? I'm not sure how old your children are and whether they'd be willing to participate.

The divorce will proceed too slowly for you, but it will inevitably resolve this. Six months can feel like an eternity.

Seren

I'm not sure if I'm remembering this correctly, but when you file, in some states, you can ask for "sole occupancy of the home"--aka, he would *have* to move out.

Please talk to your lawyer!

dandylion

sotired...I was going to suggest the same thing that Seren just suggested...Yes, do talk to your lawyer. This is what happens in a lot of cases.....

The following is a website that might help you to organize your thoughts, before talking to your own lawyer...It is arranged by state....

www.womansdivorce.com

I can see why this would be too much for you and the kids...especially in close quarters...

Michsm

Can you move in with family temporarily? If you divorce and are both on the house, you should be able to sell it in the divorce. Sorry to hear what you are going through.

sotired77

Thank you all for your awesome suggestions. And thanks for this FeelingGreat. I did what you suggested. He was a little more sober this morning so I talked to him kindly and with compassion to get him to move for the sake of the boys (12 year old twins). He just texted me that he would look for a place. For now, I will be staying with my mom. It's a 45 minute drive to get to the boys' school and I'll have to wake them up extra early to fight traffic, but it's worth it. Luckily they have an upcoming school break so I'll only have to do this for about 2 weeks. I feel so much better being away from the madness.

FallenAngelina

I'm interested to hear how this goes along for you. My experience is that an active alcoholic saying he will look for a place and an active alcoholic actually finding a place and moving out are two different planets. Glad to hear that you are taking action yourself for now.