Awal

I suggested to AH that, as we both know that he will be drinking this weekend (he gives me a puzzled look) that l would prefer it if he goes to stock up tomorrow before l leave for me girlie weekend and while lm walking the dog rather... than leaving the dog locked in the car when he goes to the supermarket for his booze. He totally clammed up.
l asked again...will you do as l ask..he said yes that's what he will do. I thanked him for his admission.
Then l asked him to take good care of the dog and not forget to feed water and walk him...at this he got offended saying he cares for him when lm at work. I remind him that im home every night so he has to control the booze between 6 and 11pm. "But l havent had a drink all week quack quack. Then he got angry and once again its my fault this and ive caused that etc. Spat his dummy out and march up to his room.
He has convinced himself he isnt addicted...but he cant convince me .

suki44883

You did cause it. You continue to try to discuss his drinking. Sorry, but you bring this on yourself because you refuse to just let it be. You know he drinks, he knows he drinks, he knows you don't approve of his drinking, but he is going to continue to drink.

You need to accept that fact.

trailmix

Well that was kind of to be expected I suppose? His anger I mean.

What if he had confessed, what if he said, yeah, I'm going to drink from dawn to dusk all weekend! I'll set my alarm to feed and walk the dog.

It's meaningless. Even if he wrote out a "confession" he doesn't want to stop. You have tried a more reasonable approach, he isn't interested in that discussion.

Are you looking for an out in this relationship? Like if you could just prove he is a big big drinker (bottle levels) or if he would just confess to being an alcoholic, then what? Would that motivate you to leave or?

I don't know, it just seems you are hurting yourself here and I hate to see that.

Mango212

Have fun this weekend. May the shopping and holiday festivity be wonderful. (((hugs)))

Awal

Ok, so what prompted me to have a go at him was this. I had been at work all day and it had been a tough one..stressful and busy. I got home to a meal he had made up for me (out of cans and the freezer.) The kitchen afterwards looked like a tip...dirty dishes etc strewn all over. I went to get food shopping although l was tired and when l got back he was lying (what he does best) on the sofa engrossed in a soap opera. The kitchen was still a tip. So l put the groceries away...then washed the dishes and just as l had finished he walked in...so l congratulated him on his good timing. His attitude and his glazed expression told me he had been guzzling booze. All this triggered my response. Im human guys...l can't dance and tippy toe around him all the time...hes an adult and as such should behave like one.

Awal

Oh l intend to Mango, l look forward to being surrounded by positivity and fun. Xx

Awal

No. I didnt cause it. He is causing it. This is all down to him and his addiction. I will not pretend that there isnt a problem and humour him. If his drinking is a threat to health or safety to myself or my dog l will always speak up as l would to any other adult.

Awal

What if he had confessed, what if he said, yeah, I'm going to drink from dawn to dusk all weekend! I'll set my alarm to feed and walk the dog.
lf he had said this l would thank him for his honesty and l would take the dog with me.

trailmix

I for one don't think you should, ever. But there is picking a confrontation and you did and it had the result you probably expected, you know him well.

He is going to drink and he is going to lie. There is no "winning" there.

If he has historically not taken good care of the dog when you are away then you should perhaps take take the dog? You know he will be drinking all weekend.

PeacefulWater12

I found looking at my AH's past behaviour pattern was far more helpful to me than asking him. If I ask I will be lied to and probably have hostility at me.

It's like poking a bear with a stick!

Alcoholics are going to do what they are going to do.

We either decide to stay with them and accept this or end the relationship.

I opted to stay with my AH. Al-anon is an enormous help to me as I work my own recovery.

Sorry you are in this situation.

Personally I would not leave my dog with an A. I would not take the risk.

FallenAngelina

Awol, you can have a positive and fun girlie weekend every week and still nothing will change here until you change you. That is what a program of recovery for you is all about. Fun, positive, well meaning friends are an essential source of love, but they are not a program of recovery. Any time you nip at your husband about his drinking, you are not being an adult, you are locked in codependence. The squabble or pouting that follows is more codependent interaction. This will escalate, or certainly continue, until you address your issues. This is what suki44883 was getting at and what you reacted to defensively. We all started out in the place where you are: "I'm not the problem, his gd drinking is the problem!"

SparkleKitty

LovePeaceSushi

Awal, can I just give you my experience? (Because I can so relate to where you are coming from) My AH has been a bad alcoholic for the past...oh, I'll say 5 years. I have tried just about every different kind of approach (sometimes ping ponging). I have found the most peace and happiness when I just let him do his thing. I don't ever intend on divorcing him, so for ME not to go crazy, I have to find a way to live with it. What is working for me right now is to just let him drink. I don't monitor his bottles and when I hear him pick up his keys at 8:30 am to go to the store to get more, I don't say a word. I don't jump through hoops when he calls me and I'm busy just so I can do something for him (like check his emails) when he could do it himself with his smartphone or iPad. It has led to a LOT less fighting and my resentment level has gone way down. I have succumbed to the fact that, no, he can't go pick up DD from school to give me a break or take her to practice. That's just going to have to be on me. And that's okay. I've stopped trying to "catch" him and I have accepted him for what he is: an alcoholic.

The kitchen is a mess? There is a choice there. You can either clean it up, or leave it a mess and go to bed. Same with your dog. Take him/her with you if you aren't sure he'll be able to give it proper care. You are making yourself miserable. This isn't working for you, so try a different approach. I say all this with love - - it's taken me years to get where I am right now.

hopeful4

Not only is he drinking, he is lazy and just seems to take up space. I understand. When I kicked out my XAH my level of work decreased so much. I was mothering him and taking care of him like a child. It was ridiculous. And it made me seethingly angry.

You are human. I totally get it. Go away for the weekend and have a blast. Don't think about it, just go and have fun.

Big hugs!

mylifeismine

Awal, does your husband have a job?

From your posts, he sounds like a belligerent teen who
is rebelling against mom .....

Hawkeye13

He will likely drink a lot this weekend since you "unjustly" went after him.

I understand you want to have expectations that he hold up his end of things as a couple, but the reality is drinking is number one at this point.

Given the progressive nature of the disease, this is as good as it will get as long as he doesn't see he has a problem and isn't going to quit.

That's the crap reality and yes, it is horribly unfair.

endofmyrope65

This is why I have a problem with the word recovery. Seems like we never recover! How can we ever really recover if we stay in these alcoholic fueled toxic environments? I understand Al-Anon will help us cope with staying, but we will never recover as we are constantly in an abusive house.

atalose

He’s an alcoholic and he is behaving like one! And for you to expect different, isn’t reality.

PeacefulWater12

I agree. I can only recover up to a certain point.

Full recovery would mean that being with an alcoholic is completely unacceptable to me.

SmallButMighty

Some of us are not able to find recovery with in the confines of a marriage to an alcoholic. I wasn't able to. I could not find a peaceful, healthy balance. I had to leave my AXH or I would have continued to drive myself insane.

Some people manage to detach from the drinking but not the drinker. That path was not for me... I tried, but in MY case the path just got darker, and more dangerous to my mental state so I had to take a flying leap off a big scary cliff in order to find change.... sorry for the corny analogy, but it IS a fitting description.

Recovery means different things to different people. MY recovery started when I ended the decades long relationship.