Anxiety, waiting, and whether or not I am a bad person
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Anxiety, waiting, and whether or not I am a bad person
Hi all,
Without rehashing my whole story - the week before last ex was busted for noncompliance with our court order requiring SoberLink as a condition of unsupervised visits with Kid. He threw a big fit as usual, and has filed yet another court application against me.
But then he seems to have fallen off the radar. He has had no visits (supervised or otherwise) with Kid. He has not communicated with me (he did yell at a psychologist who phoned him to seek his consent for me and Kid to attend family therapy sessions, but that's a whole other story). He has submitted no SoberLink tests for a week and a half (usually I get a few random ones every couple of days), and I was notified by SoberLink that his account has been discontinued. This is the longest period of radio silence in years.
Because I am well trained as the former spouse of an alcoholic, I am anxiously waiting for the other shoe to drop - the explosion, outburst, tantrum etc that is just waiting for me. But part of me is starting to think "maybe the other shoe isn't going to drop. Maybe there is no other shoe. Maybe he's had another heart attack, medical crisis, complete descent into homelessness, whatever, and is not going to re-emerge. Maybe he's stopped circling the drain and has fallen right down it".
I know this is future-tripping and I shouldn't do it. But what bothers me more is that part of me is hoping that this is the case - that something has happened that has taken him out for good. I am wondering what kind of person I am - what kind of person gets a little bit of relief in the thought that maybe something really disastrous has happened to the father of their child? What kind of person is going to be a bit disappointed if it turns out that he's not dead, in a coma, or completely incapacitated, but has just been off on a protracted bender? I hate the feeling of wanting something bad to happen.
Without rehashing my whole story - the week before last ex was busted for noncompliance with our court order requiring SoberLink as a condition of unsupervised visits with Kid. He threw a big fit as usual, and has filed yet another court application against me.
But then he seems to have fallen off the radar. He has had no visits (supervised or otherwise) with Kid. He has not communicated with me (he did yell at a psychologist who phoned him to seek his consent for me and Kid to attend family therapy sessions, but that's a whole other story). He has submitted no SoberLink tests for a week and a half (usually I get a few random ones every couple of days), and I was notified by SoberLink that his account has been discontinued. This is the longest period of radio silence in years.
Because I am well trained as the former spouse of an alcoholic, I am anxiously waiting for the other shoe to drop - the explosion, outburst, tantrum etc that is just waiting for me. But part of me is starting to think "maybe the other shoe isn't going to drop. Maybe there is no other shoe. Maybe he's had another heart attack, medical crisis, complete descent into homelessness, whatever, and is not going to re-emerge. Maybe he's stopped circling the drain and has fallen right down it".
I know this is future-tripping and I shouldn't do it. But what bothers me more is that part of me is hoping that this is the case - that something has happened that has taken him out for good. I am wondering what kind of person I am - what kind of person gets a little bit of relief in the thought that maybe something really disastrous has happened to the father of their child? What kind of person is going to be a bit disappointed if it turns out that he's not dead, in a coma, or completely incapacitated, but has just been off on a protracted bender? I hate the feeling of wanting something bad to happen.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 349
Sasha,
The kid of person who has been traumatized over time by things out of their control. It is a normal reaction to want pain to end.
In my mind, it is similar to watching someone suffer with any terminal illness, even someone whom you love dearly who hasn’t caused you hurt. It’s that feeling that at least when it is done, there is no more suffering for anyone involved.
Best wishes in a difficult time. That waiting you describe is a special type of misery.
-bora
What kind of person is going to be a bit disappointed if it turns out that he's not dead, in a coma, or completely incapacitated, but has just been off on a protracted bender?
In my mind, it is similar to watching someone suffer with any terminal illness, even someone whom you love dearly who hasn’t caused you hurt. It’s that feeling that at least when it is done, there is no more suffering for anyone involved.
Best wishes in a difficult time. That waiting you describe is a special type of misery.
-bora
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 151
Originally Posted by Sasha1972 
Hi all,
Without rehashing my whole story - the week before last ex was busted for noncompliance with our court order requiring SoberLink as a condition of unsupervised visits with Kid. He threw a big fit as usual, and has filed yet another court application against me.
But then he seems to have fallen off the radar. He has had no visits (supervised or otherwise) with Kid. He has not communicated with me (he did yell at a psychologist who phoned him to seek his consent for me and Kid to attend family therapy sessions, but that's a whole other story). He has submitted no SoberLink tests for a week and a half (usually I get a few random ones every couple of days), and I was notified by SoberLink that his account has been discontinued. This is the longest period of radio silence in years.
Because I am well trained as the former spouse of an alcoholic, I am anxiously waiting for the other shoe to drop - the explosion, outburst, tantrum etc that is just waiting for me. But part of me is starting to think "maybe the other shoe isn't going to drop. Maybe there is no other shoe. Maybe he's had another heart attack, medical crisis, complete descent into homelessness, whatever, and is not going to re-emerge. Maybe he's stopped circling the drain and has fallen right down it".
I know this is future-tripping and I shouldn't do it. But what bothers me more is that part of me is hoping that this is the case - that something has happened that has taken him out for good. I am wondering what kind of person I am - what kind of person gets a little bit of relief in the thought that maybe something really disastrous has happened to the father of their child? What kind of person is going to be a bit disappointed if it turns out that he's not dead, in a coma, or completely incapacitated, but has just been off on a protracted bender? I hate the feeling of wanting something bad to happen.
Without rehashing my whole story - the week before last ex was busted for noncompliance with our court order requiring SoberLink as a condition of unsupervised visits with Kid. He threw a big fit as usual, and has filed yet another court application against me.
But then he seems to have fallen off the radar. He has had no visits (supervised or otherwise) with Kid. He has not communicated with me (he did yell at a psychologist who phoned him to seek his consent for me and Kid to attend family therapy sessions, but that's a whole other story). He has submitted no SoberLink tests for a week and a half (usually I get a few random ones every couple of days), and I was notified by SoberLink that his account has been discontinued. This is the longest period of radio silence in years.
Because I am well trained as the former spouse of an alcoholic, I am anxiously waiting for the other shoe to drop - the explosion, outburst, tantrum etc that is just waiting for me. But part of me is starting to think "maybe the other shoe isn't going to drop. Maybe there is no other shoe. Maybe he's had another heart attack, medical crisis, complete descent into homelessness, whatever, and is not going to re-emerge. Maybe he's stopped circling the drain and has fallen right down it".
I know this is future-tripping and I shouldn't do it. But what bothers me more is that part of me is hoping that this is the case - that something has happened that has taken him out for good. I am wondering what kind of person I am - what kind of person gets a little bit of relief in the thought that maybe something really disastrous has happened to the father of their child? What kind of person is going to be a bit disappointed if it turns out that he's not dead, in a coma, or completely incapacitated, but has just been off on a protracted bender? I hate the feeling of wanting something bad to happen.
It's a normal thought to have.
And, here's the thing, you feel "guilty" about having the thought.
Now . . . let yourself off the hook for the guilt.
Your good people.
MCE Saint
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Well at least you can tell yourself that, whatever your feelings, you can't control him in any way. That you are in no way responsible, apart from your advocacy for your DD.
Are you in contact with anyone who knows your EXAH, and would inform you if something serious happened to him? Parents, the BF you've mentioned before?
Are you in contact with anyone who knows your EXAH, and would inform you if something serious happened to him? Parents, the BF you've mentioned before?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 543
I think your feelings are perfectly normal. You certainly wouldn't be having these thoughts about someone who hadn't caused you so much grief. And you aren't the one causing him harm..he is. It is HIS choice to play roulette with his life.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Louisville, CO
Posts: 11
Totally normal.
I have those thoughts every time there is radio silence. And I'm equal parts terrified it's true and terrified it's not true. On the one hand I wouldn't have to worry about my kids physical, mental, and emotional safety living with an alcoholic father. One the other hand, I dread the moment of having to tell them their dad has died.
There is no winning in this situation. Just try to enjoy the moments of radio silence and focus on your kids and yourself. There is a small sense of peace that comes with no communication.
I have those thoughts every time there is radio silence. And I'm equal parts terrified it's true and terrified it's not true. On the one hand I wouldn't have to worry about my kids physical, mental, and emotional safety living with an alcoholic father. One the other hand, I dread the moment of having to tell them their dad has died.
There is no winning in this situation. Just try to enjoy the moments of radio silence and focus on your kids and yourself. There is a small sense of peace that comes with no communication.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 224
Hi Sasha. Add me to the group of you are not a bad person!
Just wanted to say I get it. Knowing a little bit of the history of your ex from the forums I am sure he is going to have one heck of a cockamamie excuse for his absence.
Sending you strength and support. I know it's emotionally draining.
Just wanted to say I get it. Knowing a little bit of the history of your ex from the forums I am sure he is going to have one heck of a cockamamie excuse for his absence.
Sending you strength and support. I know it's emotionally draining.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
If you're a bad person, then I'm your twin. I read your beginning post and said to myself, "Thank God, someone actually feels the same way I do, and came out and said it."
Sometimes I feel guilty about it, and sometimes I don't. But I feel it every day. I've prayed many times that AW just goes off the deep end and goes away - leaving me and DS to have a peaceful existence.
I feel more sadness for her at these times, than I do guilt on my part. Sadness that she has gotten herself to this point. Anyway, I digress. You are doing great, you are doing everything you can for "Kid", and what you're feeling is normal. And if it's not normal, then I'm not normal either!
Sometimes I feel guilty about it, and sometimes I don't. But I feel it every day. I've prayed many times that AW just goes off the deep end and goes away - leaving me and DS to have a peaceful existence.
I feel more sadness for her at these times, than I do guilt on my part. Sadness that she has gotten herself to this point. Anyway, I digress. You are doing great, you are doing everything you can for "Kid", and what you're feeling is normal. And if it's not normal, then I'm not normal either!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
And...here comes your triplet!
When I was in the throes of stresses with my XAH I thought this over and over. Truly, I just wanted relief. My body and mind were screaming for relief from all the stress. Did I want him dead? No. I just wanted relief from the stress.
It does not make you bad. This man has caused MAJOR trauma to you and your child. Of course you want that stress to stop.
We were talking at work one day about what we would do if we won the lottery. My comment was that my first move would be to make my XAH and his wife move to another country under the condition they could not return under any circumstance and my children could not go there until they are adults and choose to do so. People thought I was crazy for that, but that is how I feel.
Huge, huge hugs.
When I was in the throes of stresses with my XAH I thought this over and over. Truly, I just wanted relief. My body and mind were screaming for relief from all the stress. Did I want him dead? No. I just wanted relief from the stress.
It does not make you bad. This man has caused MAJOR trauma to you and your child. Of course you want that stress to stop.
We were talking at work one day about what we would do if we won the lottery. My comment was that my first move would be to make my XAH and his wife move to another country under the condition they could not return under any circumstance and my children could not go there until they are adults and choose to do so. People thought I was crazy for that, but that is how I feel.
Huge, huge hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: OKC OK
Posts: 414
You are not a horrible person.
When AH used to go out driving after drinking. I would call the police on him. I used to hope that he would get a DUI. Guess who wouldn't be bailing him out? I shouldn't have been hoping he'd get a DUI but I was.
When AH used to go out driving after drinking. I would call the police on him. I used to hope that he would get a DUI. Guess who wouldn't be bailing him out? I shouldn't have been hoping he'd get a DUI but I was.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Sasha
I am not saying that you need to do or change anything right now. What wonderful awareness you have about yourself and your situation.
For me the lack of- drama, emotion, and physically always bracing....for a fight,
a flight or a freeze was incredibly disconcerting.
The lack of stress hormones felt so unusual, the lack of constant awareness.
I did not know what to do with the space, the openness the luxury of having room for anything else.
For me I filled this blessing, this letting down, with all I knew.....blame and shame directed at myself. I think I felt bad for feeling good! It had this ridiculous idea that if I took all the blame/shame I could control the situation. I had this idea that if I felt bad I was being punished.....or that I was bad somehow.
I don't know if that is what you are doing but it has gotten easier for me to accept all my emotions and thoughts, and normalizing them allowed me to normalize my human experience.
Sorry this is not all worked out in my head yet, never mind writing it down. Thanks for giving me a chance to think it through.
I am not saying that you need to do or change anything right now. What wonderful awareness you have about yourself and your situation.
For me the lack of- drama, emotion, and physically always bracing....for a fight,
a flight or a freeze was incredibly disconcerting.
The lack of stress hormones felt so unusual, the lack of constant awareness.
I did not know what to do with the space, the openness the luxury of having room for anything else.
For me I filled this blessing, this letting down, with all I knew.....blame and shame directed at myself. I think I felt bad for feeling good! It had this ridiculous idea that if I took all the blame/shame I could control the situation. I had this idea that if I felt bad I was being punished.....or that I was bad somehow.
I don't know if that is what you are doing but it has gotten easier for me to accept all my emotions and thoughts, and normalizing them allowed me to normalize my human experience.
Sorry this is not all worked out in my head yet, never mind writing it down. Thanks for giving me a chance to think it through.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Thanks everyone. You've helped me clarify my thinking - I am not actually wishing for ex to die or drink himself into a coma, I am wishing for this crazy chaos to end. In a perfect world, it would end with ex getting himself into recovery and seeking out the mental health help he so desperately needs, but in the real world, I know that it is more likely it will end with ex either disappearing or drinking himself to death. That would be hard on Kid (and sad for me too, if I'm honest - remembering the person who was once there). But living like this is also very hard on Kid. I have glimpses of what life would be like without a crazy alcoholic to deal with, and I want more of that life.
It is quite possible that I wouldn't know if he were dead or hospitalized. He's alienated all his friends (except possibly one), and I don't really have any connection into his life.
It is quite possible that I wouldn't know if he were dead or hospitalized. He's alienated all his friends (except possibly one), and I don't really have any connection into his life.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by LifeRecovery
The lack of stress hormones felt so unusual, the lack of constant awareness. I did not know what to do with the space, the openness the luxury of having room for anything else.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 135
Oh Sasha... I’ve shared part of my story on your thread before. Thanks everyone here for helping to make me feel like I’m not a horrible person, as I did pray for my ex’s death, literally prayed. Then, 2 days later, he had a crazy medical incident, related to drug/alcohol use and wound up in a coma, very near death. He is my son’s father. Then I prayed please God ok, don’t let him die...he did not die, but will never be the same, thank you God, that was a very strangely-wrapped gift, and the best thing to ever happen to me. It was a gift because my ex is now passive, I have custody, I will never have to deal with his craziness ever again, yet he is still alive and can still be a good dad. So I truly got the best of both worlds for me and my son. My son hopefully won’t remember his crazy, raging father. But I still have guilt for thinking that way and actually praying like that. Btw, I am not a religious person. Just was very desperate and out of my mind with anger.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 4
If you're a horrible person, then I am absolutely vile. I spent the last few years thinking every time he walked out the front door without me, "Maybe he'll finally die in a car accident, or his plane will crash, or he'll finally tick off some stranger enough with his belligerent drunkenness that they'll beat him to death with a tire iron and this will all be over. "
Even now we're divorced I'm secretly pleased to see he's not only still drinking, but much more than he was before I left, because he doesn't have to try and hide it any longer (not that he ever did a very good job). I know why I feel the way I do - his continued drinking means I'm not to blame...not for his drinking, his unhappiness, the slow painful death of our marriage, not for any of it.
Do I feel guilty about how I feel? Yes, but I also understand my feelings are the result of many years of hopelessness and helplessness and emotional abuse. I'll recover eventually; he will probably never be sober.
Even now we're divorced I'm secretly pleased to see he's not only still drinking, but much more than he was before I left, because he doesn't have to try and hide it any longer (not that he ever did a very good job). I know why I feel the way I do - his continued drinking means I'm not to blame...not for his drinking, his unhappiness, the slow painful death of our marriage, not for any of it.
Do I feel guilty about how I feel? Yes, but I also understand my feelings are the result of many years of hopelessness and helplessness and emotional abuse. I'll recover eventually; he will probably never be sober.
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